Present

"Why don´t I remember any of that?" Raphael asked, his voice hoarse, as he stared at the picture he was clutching so hard that the glass was beginning to creak forebodingly.

"I don´t know," Brittany said, sitting in her chair. "Until a few days ago I was living in a lonely and empty house on the East Side but one day I suddenly found myself coming here because I just knew that this was my home." Raphael could barely believe it. Her current accommodations, while nothing to scoff at, were certainly not comparable to a nice little town house. "The memories came soon after that. Most prominent, the day I first was attacked by a vampire and Simon was there to save me." Brittany´s lips curled into a wistful smile. "It´s mostly disconnected snippets since then. I think the big picture will reveal itself once Simon returns to this time."

"What do you remember?" Raphael asked interested.

"A life full of adventure and danger," Brittany replied. "A fulfilled live. One I´d never turn in for what I had before. I met so many different people, visited so many places. Things the old me would have never done." She stood up again, her face suddenly turning into a grimace.

"Ugh, these bones are no longer what they once were," she complained. "To think that monsters once fled at the mention of my name. But time´s not an enemy I can prevail against. Unlike you." She shot Raphael a pointed look.

"It´s not something to be envious of," Raphael muttered. He put the picture back on the mantle, afraid that if he looked at it for too long it would vanish in front of his very eyes, because he wasn't yet supposed to know.

"It seems like each of us covets what the other has," Brittany said. "So, are you aware of Valentine´s return?"

"How do you know about that?" Raphael demanded to know. As far as he was aware not many beings on the planet were in the know about the biggest threat to the Shadow World rising again.

"I have my contacts," Brittany answered. "Some of which you, too, will have when the time is right. I may no longer be able to join the fray against him as I did before, but I still have a vast network I can use to track him."

"Why would you?" Raphael asked curious. The Brittany who stood in front of him was so unlike the one that was still present in his mind that he couldn't quite reconcile the two versions with each other.

"Because many decades ago, I learned that it doesn't matter what you are, but who," Brittany replied. "Not all monsters do monstrous things and even humans can lack humanity." She sighed. "So, will you accept my help?" Raphael didn't need to think about her offer very long. To be exact, not even for a few seconds.

"Yes."

Magnus found Alec in one of his many rooms that held no function but to store the many valuables he had accumulated over the many centuries of his life. This particular room held the memorabilia of his time in Rome, most noteworthy the countless books he saved from the Vatican library because they were 'heretical'. Quite the irony, Magnus supposed, to find Alec in this room.

Alec was sitting behind the crate which contained a statue made by his old friend and lover Michelangelo of a very twinkish young man which would have costed him his head if the Vatican would have ever seen it. The artist had spared no detail. Alec was leaning with his back against the crate, his head thrown back and eyes closed. There were no signs of tears – Alec was too in control of himself for that – but the shaking of his hands and his erratic breathing pattern told Magnus that the young Shadowhunter was everything but calm and composed.

"Go away, Izzy!" Alec shouted, his eyes still closed.

"While both your sister and I have many things in common – inhumanly beautiful and intelligent for once - there´s also many differences between us, mainly anatomical ones," Magnus joked. Alec just looked at him and in his blue eyes Magnus could see anguish so great and earnest that it took him aback for a moment. No being that young should feel so conflicted, so disconnected from everyone else like the man before him.

"Go away," Alec commanded him, but there was no heat – no emotion – behind the words; they were just said because Alec´s persona, the mask behind which he hid himself, demanded of himself that he be strong, independent and showed no weakness in front of anyone. It must be lonely, Magnus thought, to live a life without anyone really knowing you.

"No, I won´t," Magnus spoke softly. He sat down beside Alec and there were no words of protest coming from the other man. Magnus didn't speak, didn't say a word, because he knew that right now nothing would get through to Alec. Like a spooked animal, Alec needed to be the one to start their talk and Magnus could do nothing more but to be ready for it. Control – or rather the illusion of it – was needed and there would be no trust if Magnus took that away from Alec. So, he just sat there, his breathing evenly, staring at the shelves in front of him, feeling the warmth of Alec´s body right next to him seeping through his clothes.

"It was supposed to go away," Alec finally spoke. "I told myself that if I ignored it long enough then it would fade away." Magnus needed no clarification as to what Alec was speaking about.

"Emotions rarely obey commands of the mind," he added instead.

"No one was ever supposed to know," Alec continued. "How will they even stand being near me? How can Jace even be in my presence anymore knowing that I lust after him?" Magnus turned his head to the side and looked at Alec who was looking on the ground, evading his gaze.

"Jace is your Parabatai, isn´t he?" Magnus asked.

"Yes, he is," Alec replied. "Which makes it even worse."

"I don't see how," Magnus disagreed with him. "Becoming Parabatai is one of the most sacred bonds in the Shadow World. Jace must value you greatly, more than any other person on this planet, and I don't think that anything you feel can change that. He may never reciprocate your feelings the way you hope, but he won´t cast you down for who you are."

"How can you know?" Alec asked and his voice Magnus could hear the desire to just believe his words that wrestled with Alec´s deeply ingrained believe that what he felt – who he was – was somehow wrong.

"Because I know people," Magnus answered, "Who wouldn't, after living for centuries and walking amongst them? I know Downworlders, Shadowhunters and Mundanes and I know that real friendship transcends social restrictions and upbringing." He paused for a moment. "You grew up with him, you trained with him, you fought with him – there are few powers that can forge stronger ties between two beings than those." Alec seemed to processed what Magnus had said, because for a while he said nothing while he his gaze flickered between Magnus and any other point in the room.

"But the Clave..." Alec started his one last try at protest.

"...has only as much power over you as you allow them to have," Magnus interrupted him. "Believe me, I knew many Shadowhunters that didn't comply with the Clave´s conservative teachings on family and traditions and in the end, most of them lived their life happily, even though, as you´re probably quite aware, most Shadowhunters don't die peacefully in their sleep." Alec nodded.

"The only way you can ever be sure, though," Magnus continued, "is to just talk with your Parabatai. I know, I know - " Magnus forestalled any protest from Alec by placing one hand on the other man´s shoulder. "- that may seem daunting to you..."

"I´d rather fight my way through all seven circles of Hell," Alec muttered under his breath.

"...but if you don't, you´ll live the rest of your life in uncertainty," Magnus finished. "And believe me, that´s so much worse. The questions of 'What if...?' and 'What could have been?' can torture you more than you might imagine."

"I´m not ready," Alec confessed.

"Sometimes that´s the only time when we can truly be brave," Magnus replied. He let go of Alec and stood up. "Just promise me that you´ll think about it." For a moment, it looked like Alec wouldn't, but then his shoulders sagged down. "I will."

Magnus didn't say anything further and instead left the room. Alec needed some time alone and would join the others when he felt ready. He closed the door behind him softly and made his way through the hallway of his lair, yet, after walking around another corner Magnus nearly ran into an obliviously distraught Jace.

"Where is he?" he shouted. "Where´s Alec?"

"Why?" Magnus demanded to know.

"Because I need to see him!" Jace snapped at the Warlock. "And you can´t stop me!"

"I very well can," Magnus growled back. "So how about you stop with your alpha male macho act and calm down a little bit, mmh?" Fury blazed through Jace´s eyes and for a moment it looked like the Shadowhunter was really about to test Magnus, but as fast as the emotion had crossed Jace´s face it vanished again.

"Alec is my Parabatai," he finally replied. "I know him like no one else does, which also means that I know that he´s probably sitting somewhere dark and gloomy and imagining thousand terrible scenarios in his mind, which will never happen. He´s allowing them to eat him up from the inside and if I don't speak with him now, he´ll never talk to me about it. So, out of my way, Bane, or so the Angels help me, I will fight you."

"He´s a few room further down this hallway," Magnus told Jace. "Tenth door on the right side." Jace just nodded at him and took off. Magnus just hoped that the two Shadowhunters would be able to resolve this clusterfuck of hurt, angst and love without irreparably damaging the bond between them.

Now, he better looked after Fray girl and the femme fatale before they found his porn stack under the couch.

"Here you are." Alec looked up and saw Jace leaning against the wall near the entrance door of the room. His arms were folded, his lips curled into a slight smirk, his hair still dishevelled from the Valack´s attack, and yet Jace extruded this kind of silent confidence that spoke to Alec on an instinctual level.

"I came here to be alone," Alec grumbled. First Magnus and now Jace. On one side, Alec really wanted to be alone, because that meant that he didn't need to face the real world (reality). As long as he hid behind the wooden crate, his problems wouldn't find him, the pressure that he always walked under wouldn't intensify and he could just pretend that everything was still fine (even though it had never been fine in the first place). But on the other, being alone meant that all his fears that Alec had kept under lock for as long as he could remember were finally able to claw their way out of the back of his mind and try to consume him.

Loneliness meant safety; loneliness meant vulnerability, and Alec couldn't quite decide which he preferred. Meanwhile, mirroring Magnus, Jace slid down beside him.

"I´m sorry," Alec blurted out before Jace could even open his mouth. "I nearly got you dragged to Hell by a demon. I got you hurt. I failed and compromised the whole mission." It was easier to apologise for these things than to actual talk about what really hung over them. The unspoken words of Alec´s confession of love.

"Fuck the mission," Jace exclaimed heatedly. "And I wasn't hurt. I´m fine, actually, and I´m here because you aren't." Alec´s heart sunk at those words. Now it was out. 'Because you aren't', Jace knew now how wrong Alec was, how he had lusted after his own Parabatai, how he had defiled their sacred bond for years now. He now knew of the ugliness that Alec hid deep in his heart, which had been laid open for everyone to see.

"How could you?" Jace demanded to know. "Do you really think so low of me? Do you really think that I would – I don't know – cast you out or something for loving someone? Why did you never tell me?"

"What?" Alec replied, confused. This wasn't how he had thought Jace would react. How he was supposed to react.

"All those years and you never told me," Jace continued. "You chose to suffer in silence instead of confiding in me. Am I truly that terrible?"

"I didn't know how you´d react," Alec replied brokenly. "Whether you´d accept me or not."

"But I accept you, Alec," Jace told him, his mismatched eyes staring at Alec intensely. "I don't care to whom you feel attracted to. I don't care what the Clave says; what anyone says. The only people I care about are you and Isabelle – and Max. You´re my family and family will stand by you no matter what. I will stand by you, no matter what."

Alec wanted to cry. It was like the weight of a thousand worlds was suddenly lifted from his shoulders. For the first time since ages it felt like he could breathe without suffocating on his insecurities. Maybe Jace would never reciprocate his feelings, but Alec´s greatest fear, ever since he had first felt this burning desire flooding his veins when he had looked at Jace, had always been to be dejected by his family. But Jace´s words – together with those that Magnus had spoken to him previously – finally laid those fears to rest.

"I won´t lie to you, Alec, because you deserve honesty," Jace continued, "You´re my best friend, my brother, my Parabatai and there´s nothing I wouldn't do for you – nothing – but I´ll never feel this way about you. It´s cruel, I know, but it´s better to tell you now, instead of stringing you along on a fantasy that´ll never come true. Because now you can focus on healing and one day you´ll meet an awesome guy for whom you´ll fall head over heels and you won´t even waste a single thought on me when you do."

"You really believe that?" Alec asked.

"I do," Jace replied without hesitation. His expression was so full of confidence, trust and absolute believe in Alec that, for a single moment, it felt like Alec´s heart was about to burst. Maybe Alec would heal and would one day find the right person to be with, but right now he was still allowed to grief for all the hidden fantasies destroyed and the wishes accumulated over the years of his life.

"Thanks." Alec wanted to add more, but there were just no words forthcoming. He wanted to express his utter relief that Jace accepted him for who he truly was, that he would still have his back no matter was. Alec wanted to say that the abject fear that had ruled his life up until now – that had lurked even in his happiest moments – was suddenly gone and that the future didn't look as oppressing as it had been a mere hours ago. But instead, Jace laid one hand on his shoulders and the reassuring touch was everything needed for them.

They were Parabatai, theirs was a bond that the Shadowhunters held most sacred, and sometimes words weren't needed when there was a connection that run so deep that Alec doubted that even love could compare.

1953

"Why are you up already?" Magnus asked with raised eyebrows as Simon descended the stairs. "It´s Sunday. No school, no work, no obligations. You should be asleep for at least another three hours." He took a bite off his croissant. "Let me enjoy the silence."

"You don't enjoy silence," Simon shot back. "You detest it." Magnus nodded his head in affirmation. Simon had told him about the rogue vampire yesterday. The Warlock had laid a hand on his shoulder and told him not to worry; that he would share the information with representatives of the Clave and that they would take care of it. 'The only thing they´re actually good at,' he had joked. Simon didn't inquire any further because at this time he had already so much on his plate without adding another supernatural problem to the pile.

"And besides, Raphael asked me if I wanted to go to the park with him today." Simon remembered well (it had been just yesterday, after all): They had finished with their game of Dungeons and Dragons and after Raphael´s mother had put his little brothers to sleep, Raphael himself had accompanied Simon to the next bus station. They were standing under the solitary street light that would occasional flicker and drown the street in darkness before it took up its brave fight again.

Raphael had looked kind of queasy, though, his expression changing between something neutral and the face of someone who was about to walk to the gallows. Simon had been just about to straight out ask the other boy what was wrong, when Raphael suddenly blurted out: "Do you want to go to the park with me tomorrow?" Before Simon could answer, however, Raphael was already continuing: "I mean, you don't have to, but you told me that you´d just sit around at home all day and the weather forecast is quite good for tomorrow and what friend would I be if I let you rot at home…"

"I´m in," Simon had interrupted and he didn't know if it had been just his imagination, but Raphael´s cheeks had taken a slight red tint after that.

"Central Park?" Magus asked Simon, tearing the boy out of his memories.

"Nah," Simon replied. "I know that Raphael cannot afford the fare, so it´s probably the local one."

"I could give you money to lend to him," Magnus offered as he took another spoonful of his cereals.

"That´s nice, but I don't think he´d want that," Simon told the Warlock. "Something about pride and not being a charity case." He rummaged through the cabinets until his gaze fell on the package standing right next to Magnus.

"Hey, they´re mine!" Simon exclaimed indignantly.

"Fight me for it!" Magnus snapped back, which Simon consequently did.

Spoiler: In the end, they had to clean the whole kitchen while none of them got any of the cereals (expect for the ones Magnus had already eaten).

Raphael should have known that his mother would know something was wrong the moment he set his foot in the kitchen. She didn't even need to say something, just arching her eyebrows at him was enough to make Raphael´s whole posture deflate.

"I asked Simon if he wanted to go to the park with me," he told his mother, who just beckoned for him to continue with a flourish gesture of her hand in which she held the rolling pin. "I wanted to take him to Central Park, but I don't have the money for the fare."

"Aw, sweetie." His mother laid aside her backing utensil and walked around the table, pressing Raphael´s head against her chest while she ran her fingers through his hair. Because he was despondent, Raphael allowed the embarrassingly show of motherly affection happen without protest.

"From what I´ve seen of Simon he doesn't strike me as type who would be averse to just go to the local park," she told him. "I´m sure he´d understand." Raphael didn't know how he should tell his mother that he thought that Simon deserved something better than the local park. Even though they had not known each other for that long, he felt some kind of deeper connection to the other boy that he didn't have with his other friends. Simon had decided to stick with him even though many other avenues had been open for him – he had the money and the looks that would have made the popular crowd at school welcome him with open arms – and Raphael felt like he should show Simon somehow that he was grateful for such loyalty.

"He´s my friend," he only said, but he knew that his mother understood.

"I see," she sighed. She let go of Raphael and walked over to their drawer, rummaging through the lower drawer until she found what she was looking for.

"That should cover your fares and some ice cream for each of you." She turned around and put a few crumpled dollar bills on the table.

"I can´t take that," Raphael whispered with wide eyes. He was very well aware of how short of money their household was (thankfully his brother´s weren't, at least not yet) and what his mother had given him would be enough to get them something warm on the table for nearly two days. His mother, though, just placed the money on his palms and closed his fingers around it.

"I won´t have any son of mine feel inadequate," she told him in a voice of steel, her stare full of resolve. "You´ll take that boy of yours to Central Park and have the best day you could possible have."

"Mamá, he´s just a friend," Raphael protested.

"Then you´ll just have a nice day with your friend," his mother said unapologetic. And then she winked at him. Before Raphael could say anything, though, the doorbell rang. With one last evil glare at his witch of a mother, Raphael made his way to the door and opened it to an apparently very enthusiastic Simon.

"Ready to goooo!" the other boy hollered and Raphael just wanted to facepalm and turn around. But he didn't. Instead, he took his jacket and closed the door, not before his mother could shout "Have fun boys!" after them, though.

"So," Simon began to ask as they trudged along the street. "Magnus gave me this whole bag of old bread to feed to the ducks." He held up said bag, who did look a lot like it was about to burst. "I don't even know if there are any ducks where we are going." He looked at Raphael. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Central Park," Raphael replied and the way Simon´s whole face lit up was definitely worth the money he was about to spend.

"Nice, so there´ll definitely will be ducks."

There were, indeed, many ducks in Central Park and they all came to get some of Magnus Bane´s Wonder Bread. That was how Simon called it in his head, at least.

"You look ridiculous," Raphael smirked as he stood beside Simon. The latter just stuck out his tongue.

"You´re just envious because no duck will come near you," Simon retorted. It had been, indeed, very funny to see the ducks make a wide arch around Raphael, even though he tried to lure them with the same bread as Simon did. But apparently, the ducks were intimidated by his intense glare. When Simon pointed out that particular observation, the only thing it had gotten him was Raphael´ throwing his bread at Simon´s head which was shortly followed by a swarm of ducks lunging after it.

"I´m the King of Ducks," Simon proclaimed. One was sitting on his head, one on each shoulder while the others were milling around him, begging for his scraps. "And these are my loyal subjects, poised to attack any foe who dares to invade my kingdom. Woe on thee, Raphael!" This time the other boy did facepalm.

"Aw, come one," Simon gushed. "You know you want one, too." On impulse, Simon grabbed a duck – which continued to munch happily on its piece of bread – and put it on Raphael´s head, where it, much to both of their surprise, stayed. A woman next to them huffed indignantly and began to pull her child away from them, much to the child´s dismay.

"Man, what I´d give for a selfie right now," Simon sighed. "Hashtag ducksofnewyork, hashtag duckface." Raphael just looked at him confused.

"Just take care of your duck," Simon placated him. "We should call it Humphrey, because it´s probably as grumpy as you. It´s the only one here that actually likes you."

"You like me, too, don't you?" Momentarily thrown off by Raphael´s boldness, Simon just gaped at him before he caught himself again.

"Of course I do," Simon replied jovially. "No duck could ever replace you." Both Raphael and Humphrey looked quite pleased with that.

Sadly, Magnus' bread supply didn't last forever and it turned out that a duck´s loyalty did only extend as far as the bread it was given, so Simon and Raphael soon found themselves alone again, except for Humphrey, who still sat on Raphael´s head.

"Do you want some ice cream?" Raphael asked.

"I´d die for some!" Simon exclaimed. "Let´s go to the next vendor. Humphrey can come with us."

"I don't think we´re allowed to take him with us," Raphael replied.

"Let me tell you right now, Humphrey is a free duck and he goes wherever he wants to go," Simon said. "And right now, Humphrey wants to go with us, don't you?" Humphrey just tilted his head to the side which Simon took as a yes. Raphael just sighed exasperated, but then they were making their way towards the where they could hear the faint sound of ice cream truck music.

When they were about to leave the park´s premise, Humphrey took flight and rejoined his duck brethren back at the lake. Raphael ruffled through his hair, trying to straighten it out again, but the duck had left his hair quite messed up and as such his efforts were to no avail.

They ordered their ice cream – Simon took chocolate and strawberry, like he always did – and he was about to pay for both of them, when Raphael handed over the money to the vender.

"You needn't have," Simon told him afterwards.

"I wanted to," Raphael replied. Somehow, that made the butterflies in Simon´s stomach only flap their wings even faster and he could feel how the heat was travelling to his cheeks.

"Thanks," he mumbled and licked at his ice cream, hoping that it would help him to calm down. "I just…" Simon couldn't quite finish, for suddenly someone barged into him from behind, making him (and his ice cream) crash to the ground. The guy didn't even look around or something; no, he just continued on as if nothing happened.

"Asshole!" Raphael shouted after him, much to the affront of the people walking past them. He bent down next to Simon and helped him up, taking in his condition with critical eye.

"My shirt´s definitely ruined," Simon moaned, looking down on the big stain of ice cream and dirt that covered his whole front. "Magnus´ gonna be so pissed." He looked down on the pitiful rests of his ice cream on the ground. "And I lost my ice cream, too." He must have looked truly pathetic, standing there completely dirty, looking down on the broken ice cream cone.

"You can have mine," Raphael said and offered him his half-eaten ice cream.

"Nah," Simon replied. "I can´t take your ice cream in good consciousness." Then he dashed forward, taking the cone from Raphael´s outstretched hand. "Lucky then, that I don't feel any remorse when it comes to ice cream." Raphael stared at his empty hand, but then he just shook his head.

"Do you want to go back home?" he asked instead. "You know, because of…" He didn't finish, instead pointing at the mess that was Simon´s t-shirt.

"It´s fine, really," Simon replied. "The whole world should know that, while I lost my ice cream and t-shirt to the forces of evil and banksters, in the end, I did prevail." He licked at his ice cream. "Nothing comes between a Lewis and their ice cream."

"You´re so weird," Raphael commented, but he said it with a small smile on his face.

"The world would be pretty boring if everyone was normal, wouldn't it?" Simon pointed out. "The greatest mind of humanity were those that dared to think outside the box."

"And you´d call yourself a great mind then?" Raphael asked with arched eyebrows.

"I aspire to be," Simon replied and maybe that was the most profound insight of that day.

"You shouldn't smoke," Simon told Raphael when they exited the subway and stood at the street corner from which they would go their separate ways. "It kills you." The moment they had been out in the fresh air, Raphael had taken out a cigarette and lit it up, inhaling deeply and exhaling the smoke in a cloud of greyness.

"Please?" Simon pleaded. Raphael sighed, but after the next draw he threw the still glowing cigarette on the ground and stomped it out.

"Thanks," Simon said. "Anyway, I had fun today, despite my shirt being ruined by some fancy dressed asshole."

"I had fun, too," Raphael admitted. "I think I´ll miss Humphrey."

"Maybe we can do it again, sometimes?" Simon suggested. "Visit Humphrey."

"I think I´d quite like that."

And under the street light and its ember glow that was reflected in Raphael´s eyes like dying embers of fire, for a moment it looked like Raphael was slowly tilting his head towards him, as if he wanted to kiss Simon. The moment extended, until it seemed as if their whole existence was encapsulated by it – time stopped, the world froze – and then Raphael´s lips touched Simon´s.

It wasn't Simon´s first kiss, but there was something to it, that made it the most special he had ever received. A shy tenderness, a slow carefulness but simultaneously also demanding and luring Simon in with the promise of something more. Raphael´s lips tasted like cold smoke and the faint hints of chocolate and vanilla and Simon wanted to bottle up the scent and drown in it.

But theirs was a moment, so frail that the smallest thought, the smallest doubt, could shatter it like a rose made of glass, and so it came that Raphael suddenly pushed Simon away with the vehemence of the damned.

"I…I can´t," Raphael stuttered. "I..it´s wrong." He turned around and just ran, leaving behind a confused Simon, standing at the street corner underneath the lonely street light.