Chapter 10 – When I'm with you

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Instruments.

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I felt really nervous. Not the schoolgirl with a crush nervous, but the grown woman in love kind of nervous. I couldn't forget that I was 24 even though I felt younger most of the time.

When I entered the room, I took a moment to look at my surroundings. I tried to shake off the image of Jace, on top of Kaelie, kissing, when my eyes fell on the unmade bed. I sighed. How would I be able to forget and move on?

Jace walked in behind me silently. He took my right hand in his and caressed it. I let him do it, but I didn't say anything. I didn't feel I should be the first to speak. Jace had his fair share of explanations to do.

I didn't want to be too harsh on him, but I would definitely make things a little difficult.

If it had been any other moment of the day, I would have taken the time to draw my feelings out. It was important to any artistic person to get these feelings off of its chest, drawing, painting, writing them in any possible form of art. As a matter of fact, any person, artistic or not, should do this every once in a while. It was therapeutic.

But now wasn't the time. I had to have a serious talk with Jace. I sighed, taking back my hand.

"Clary…"

I slowly turned away from him and went to sit on the couch. I wasn't ready to approach the bed yet. I kept my head low, biting the inside of my cheeks. It was a sign of nervousness. Jace followed me, but instead of sitting next to me on the couch as I thought he would do, he kneeled down in front of me and with a soft gesture, he took the sides of my head in both hands so we were eyes to eyes.

"Clary…" Jace repeated, his voice unsure. "I'm so sorry…"

His thumb brushed my cheek and I found myself unable to look into his deep blue eyes. My heart was melting and I didn't want to be that girl, the one you could hurt, knowing full well you were hurting her, the one who would just forgive whatever it was the instant you said sorry. No! I needed to be stronger than that.

I knew I would forgive him in the end. His actions weren't completely egotistical. He had done what he thought was best to keep his best friend safe. Still, he had to understand how I felt. I sighed again. I felt conflicted and uneasy.

"Jace. Although I appreciate your apology, you have to know that it won't be enough" I told him firmly (Ok, maybe I acted like a bitch even though I feel like my voice cracked).

It was Jace's turn to sigh.

"I know that, Clary… I didn't exactly give you a good reason to trust me, am I right?"

"No… No, you didn't" I told him frankly. "But I'm willing to try. I want to give us a chance, Jace. I think we could work. But it won't be easy. I thought I could trust you. I remember when you told me things were complicated with Kaelie, that you didn't even like her. That you were tied to her, but you liked me. You said you would find a way for us to be together. It didn't feel like you tried very hard when I saw you on that bed, kissing her senseless…" I said pointing the bed.

I felt some tears prickling the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

"I didn't really have a choice, Clary, or that's what I thought. I didn't want Kaelie to be more suspicious of me than she already was. I thought I was protecting Alec. I didn't know against what, but with the way Kaelie put things, it was something that would cause a downfall. Now that I know everything, I was a fool. You know I would do anything for Alec, but I should have investigate more before going into a forced relationship with that crazy bitch."

"Yeah…" I whispered. "I know."

We kept silent for a moment, pondering on the situation we were in. Jace finally took a deep breath.

"Are we ok?" he asked timidly.

I wondered if we ever would be perfectly ok, but if we were both willing to try, I had faith everything would be ok.

"Yeah, we are" I answered softly.

"So… They are getting married."

I nodded. "Apparently they are. I didn't know they were getting engaged. I guess that was Alec's way of making his official coming out. Are you mad at him for not telling you about his homosexuality?"

Jace glanced at me and then, he stared at his hands.

"I am, somewhat. It is his own life and choice, and I respect him. It's just that… We've been friends since forever. I feel he should have told me."

I understood how he felt. I hoped he could see the similarities between that and his situation with Kaelie.

"You know what they say: better late than never" I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Jace laughed softly.

I learned on the same day that not only my best friend is homo but he is getting married! Talk about great big news!"

I smiled. I was truly happy for Alec. No doubt Isabelle and Magnus would make this a big wedding. Jace seemed lost in his thoughts and it made me remember Kaelie's threat. I couldn't help but voice my concerns.

"I wonder what the hell Kaelie is going to do about this."

"She won't do anything to you, Clary, that is a promise" Jace said, staring into my eyes.

This time, I didn't look away. Jace leaned forward really slowly giving me more than enough time to push him away if I wanted to. I didn't. His kiss had the magical ability to erase all of my fears of the moment. Things were far from perfect. Nevertheless, it would definitely get better.

That night, we didn't sleep on the bed. Jace understood my silent plea, and we fell asleep on the couch in an almost sitting position.

The next morning, my cell phone rang twice before it woke me up. I knew who it was way before checking the name. The third time, I answered.

"By the angel, Clarissa Fray! Get your butt out of bed! We have a wedding to prepare!"

"Damn, Izzy! It's…" I glanced at the clock. "7:30!"

"Exactly! We don't have much time! You, me, reception desk in ten!" and she hung up.

Jace yawned. "Is she crazy?"

"Is that really a question?"

"No!" he laughed.

I kissed him and went to take a quick shower, not bothering to wash my hair. Not enough time, as Isabelle had said.

"See you later, Jace. Izzy is going to throw a fit if I don't go now!"

He kissed me again, taking his time.

"MMmm I could get used to this" I whispered in his ear.

"You will. See you later, Clary."

I smiled at him and left. I made my way to the elevator, feeling too lazy to get the stairs. I was lost into my thoughts and didn't see anything happen. The only thing I knew, someone blindfolded me and threw something on my mouth so I couldn't speak. I tried to push the person away, kicking. I wanted to scream. Then, everything went black.