Shiny WEAPON rumbles and bleeps. Boss music (a weird mix of FF7 and FF8) starts up.
Marlene: *tugs on Barret's sleeve again* Daddy…are we all gonna die?
Cait Sith: And now, Sephy, you will be the first to fall! Walk up to the WEAPON!
Sephiroth: Make me!
Cait Sith: If you insist… I COMMAND YOU TO WALK UP TO THE WEAPON!
Sephiroth: No… I must… break... control… *begins walking slowly towards the cannon of Shiny WEAPON*
Cait Sith: It's hopeless! I'm stronger than you! Neh-ni-neh-ni-neh-neh!
Sephiroth: …Noooo!
Cloud: He tried to kill me! I'm with Cait Sith on this one!
Rakin: Ejo'… like it or not, Cloud, we need Sephiroth! He's got to fight Cait Sith!
Cloud: ……
Rakin: Come on, Cloud!
Cloud: …Sephiroth! You can do this! You're the most powerful warrior in the universe! (Paraphrased quote. Replace "warrior" with "vegetable" and you get another quote… J)
Sephiroth: I must kill him… for stealing my typeset… *takes a step backwards*
Cait Sith: Huh? No! You can't do that!
Sephiroth: …This game's only big enough for one villain… *takes another step back*
Yuffie: Woohoo! He's getting his font back!
Sephiroth: DIE FUZZBALL!
Sephiroth Choir: SEPHI-ROTH!
Sephiroth: All right, Strife. We put aside our differences… the fact I tried to kill you and stabbed your girlfriend and screwed up your memory and put you under mental control and used your hair gel to style my graceful bangs… that's all in the past now, right?
Cloud: …Yeah. Except maybe the hair gel thing. *grins*
Cait Sith: *sneers* How touching. *fires WEAPON*
All except Aeris: %^!#!
Aeris: Oh dear!
The party loses a lot of HP.
Rinoa: This is bad… Shiny WEAPON's too powerful… we'll all be wiped out and sent back to the last Save point if we don't think of a plan… Squall? *looks at him pleadingly- again. Doesn't this girl have a life?*
Squall: ……
Fujin: ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF SITUATION, RINOA. CHANCES OF SURVIVAL, REMOTE.
Squall: …You know what, Fujin? You're absolutely right.
Rinoa: What? Squall…
Squall: *catches Vincent's eye*
Vincent: *nods slightly, turns to Cloud and Sephiroth*
Cloud and Sephiroth: *smile faintly*
Selphie: *confused* Huh?
All at once, Squall, Vincent, Sephiroth and Cloud jump into the air, do one of those cool flip things (copyright Vincent) and come down on Cait Sith!
Squall: LIONHEART!
Sephiroth: PALE HORSE!
Cloud: BIG-ASS OMNISLASH!
Vincent: …… *pumps Cait Sith full of lead from Death Penalty*
Cait Sith: AAARGH! *Moogle's hands flail madly*
*Squall grabs remote control for Shiny WEAPON out of the Moogle's outstretched paw.*
Cait Sith: Gimme that you big… *looks up at loose rocks*…big-sword-bearing-person…
Squall: Get back, everyone! *gives remote control to Vincent, since he is the best shot*
Cait Sith: NO! Um… hey! I'm not evil anymore! It's a miracle!…I'm…saved…PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME!!!
Vincent: …… Shiny WEAPON aims at Cait Sith
Cait Sith: You can't shoot a poor defenceless fluffball like me! It'll only prove your reputation as an emotionless psychopath!
Vincent: *blinks* Pardon?
Xiao: KILL THE MOOGLE! KILL THE MOOGLE! MY SWORD WANTS BLOOD!
Squall: Vincent, watch out!
Vincent turns around, just in time to dodge a thrust from Cloud's Big-Ass Sword!
Tifa: Leave Cloud alone!
Cait Sith: No! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Vincent: *tosses remote control to Squall* Shoot it! *ducks another swing from Cloud's sword*
Squall: …… *cannon extends*
Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Squall fires at Cait Sith. There is a satisfactory explosion, followed by a rain of…
Seifer: …stuffing? All right then…
Cloud: Uhh… I hate being controlled.
Tifa: Oh, Cloud… *hugs him*
Aeris: *sniff*
Sephiroth Choir: SEPHIROTH DEFEATED CAIT SITH!
Sephiroth: I did?
Suddenly a portal at the end of the room activates, shooting the Trepies out into the cave.
Quistis: Uh-oh…
Trepies: IT'S INSTRUCTOR TREPE!
Quistis: What are you guys doing here?
Trepies: *spot Sephiroth choir, still singing in homage to Sephy, who looks annoyed* Hey! We could be the Trepe choir! *hopelessly off key* QUISTIS-TREPE!
Sephy Choir *still singing the Sephy tune*:HA-HA-HA!(dn-dn-dn) YOU-GUYS-SUCK!
Trepies: HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE ALMIGHTY INSTRUCTOR TREPE!!!!!!
The Trepies attack the Sephiroth choir, who fight back with a vengeance.
Xiao: Thanks to Sephiroth_4000 for the Trepies vs. Sephies idea!
Quistis: This is very flattering, but you guys can stop now…
Nameless Trepie #2: *holding a Sephie by the throat* HOORAY! SHE'S FLATTERED! *skilfully ignores last part of sentence and keeps fighting*
Quistis: Oh well.
Rufus: …Hang on a second! You aren't Turks!
Sephiroth: How slow is this guy, anyway?
Reno: You'd be surprised. *turns to Vincent* Now. I seem to recall… someone offering to pay us double what Shinra gave us?
Vincent: ……
Rakin: But that was just for finding the sporks. The whole beat-up-Shiny-WEAPON thing was extra.
Vincent: Since when did you beat up Shiny WEAPON?
Rakin: Not to mention the fact that we covered for you.
Rude: Not to mention the reward for finding the sporks.
Tseng: Not to mention danger money.
Vincent: *raises an eyebrow* Danger money? For Turks?
Reno: We're waiting…
Squall walks over to Seifer and Fujin.
Seifer: *snickers* Looks like Vincent's in a bit of trouble.
Fujin: NEGATIVE. CLOUD'S CREDIT CARD. *shrugs* SQUALL…
Squall: What is it?
Fujin: *puffs herself up* "REMOTE" IDEA, MINE. CREDIT, DUE…?
Seifer: Put a sock in it, Cyclops.
Fujin: RAGE!! *kicks Seifer across the cavern. He lands in the middle of the Sephies/Trepies fight*
Squall: Fine. It was your idea. I'll see you get a commendation.
Fujin: THANKYOU. *beams proudly* RETURNING HOME, SQUALL?
Squall: I think so…
Seifer has extricated himself from the fight and is now taking bets from Cloud, Aeris and the Turks on the outcome, with Cid and Barret giving a blow-by-blow account. Quistis and Sephiroth are comparing fan club horror stories. Irvine and Elena still haven't come back. Vincent and Rakin are cleaning their guns, which got dirty during the fight, and are saying nothing in typical fashion. Rinoa and Tifa are sympathising with each other over the stress of having screwed-up main-character hero type boyfriends. Rufus is standing by himself with a bewildered expression on his face, muttering, "I still don't think they're Turks…". Allin and Scarlet are sitting in Shiny WEAPON, pretending to blow things up. Yuffie is arm-wrestling Selphie and winning.
Squall: *smiles* …but maybe not quite yet.
~end~
P.S: Dodgy Ending Bit #1
Xiao: No Final Fantasy characters were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
Selphie: My shin …the pain… the PAIN… OH GOD LET ME DIE!!!!
*brief "Schinnng" noise strangely like an Eternal Midnight Sword being drawn*
Selphie: Aargh!!!… goodbye, cruel world…
Xiao: Heh…
#This fanfic is currently experiencing technical difficulties#
P.P.S: Dodgy Ending Bit #2
Xiao: All characters (except me, Nix, Jien, Allin, Zand and Rakin) and places are trademarks of Squaresoft.
Squall: I think they knew that!!
Xiao: Squall? What are you doing outside the fanfic? This is just a Dodgy Ending Bit!
Squall: I know… but I couldn't leave without telling you this…
*dreamy music comes on in the background*
Squall:…I love you, Xiao. I always have, and always will. Come back to FF8 world with me. My life will never be truly complete without you.
Xiao: *shimmery anime eyes* …Really?
(Music cuts out)
Squall: NAH! Heh, heh, heh…
Xiao: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!