Chapter 10– Wolf
Hermione smiled back at Remus. She loved how they were talking so easily together. All thoughts of visiting the headmaster had completely left her mind, at least for the moment.
Hermione made it to see Dumbledore the next day.
"Here's a passage I found, sir" Hermione spoke up, and handed her headmaster the book she had found open to the relevant page.
"Thank you, Miss Smith. I must say, your arrival has led to a more exciting academic pursuit than I have had in years. There are people who want to block that pursuit very frustratingly, but we will find a way," he said with the customary twinkle in his eye.
"How long do you think I'll be here, sir?" Hermione asked, not really sure what she wanted the answer to be.
"That, I cannot say. You should just try to enjoy your time here for the time being. Doubtless you can learn as much here as you could in your time."
She was really learning a lot in her classes, though she felt less prepared than usual because she had not had time to read her textbooks twice over the summer as she usually did. She was doing her best to catch up to her standards though. She hadn't just missed a week of class- she had missed her summer of preparation. It was nice that Remus always seemed to be there if she needed help, though honestly she usually didn't need any. Her housemates would have helped, of course, but she found herself in the library more often than not, and Remus was around almost as often as she was. September passed into early October without any real incidents.
Remus was working quite hard on his own studying. His favorite class was Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he was often the best in his year in it, a definite feat considering the talent in Gryffindor in his year alone. And, as loath as Sirius and James were to admit it, Severus Snape and several other students were very talented as well.
The sixth years had just been shown perhaps the most interesting piece of magic that Remus had ever seen, and he was determined to master it- the patronus charm. Their teacher didn't really expect them to succeed, and it was considered advanced spellwork, but Remus knew how important it could be. Young Remus had met a Dementor once and it was one of the worst things he had ever experienced.
He had been a little boy going with his father to the Ministry a few weeks after that horrid night that he had been bitten. Remus hadn't even changed the first time yet, but he already knew what awaited him. He had to be registered as a werewolf, and even then young Remus knew a little of what being on that registry meant for his life. It was almost scarier than turning into a wolf. The man who talked to them claimed that no one would know unless they looked up his file. Remus didn't like the man though, and he clearly didn't think much of young Remus.
He had heard his father cry that he would never get to go to Hogwarts or be like any of the other young wizards and witches. He had never seen his father cry before that awful night. The young boy hadn't even started thinking about a career yet, but that would be too much to dream of now.
He walked down the hall at the ministry clutching his father's hand. The entire room went cold and Remus saw two aurors and a man in chains between them, the aurors clearing the way as they walked. Something that definitely wasn't a man but had on a black robe hovered around the three men. Remus now knew must have been a Death Eater from the court room out of the Ministry to be taken to Azkaban, but he still couldn't help feeling sorry for anyone who had to be so close to those dreaded things.
As the thing got closer though, Remus could only think of himself. The running, the panting, the screaming, the pain. It made him relive being bitten, and perhaps even worse, he relived the rejection that followed. At first even his father, whom Remus had never seen afraid before, had seemed afraid of him at first, as if Remus would turn around and bite him too. So many tears; horrors too great to utter. He had to relive it all.
Remus couldn't stand those creatures. He feared them almost as much as he feared the moon until he learned that with this charm, he could fight off a dementor if he ever met one again. This fear was something he could overcome if he could defeat the beast. He knew that they were supposed to protect wizards by keeping the criminals locked up, but Remus privately felt that they were better off with the criminals. He wouldn't live his life in fear though, or at least in any more fear than he could help.
So Remus began spending more time in abandoned classrooms practicing when he wasn't spending time with the Marauders or wandering around the library.
"Expecto Patronum!" he yelled, concentrating on the memory of Professor Dumbledore telling him that he could come to Hogwarts. This was one of his very best memories, and he thought it usually helped him get the closest to a real patronus. He could dependably make the white mist come from his wand, though that alone drained him quickly.
Remus refused to give up. One more try for now, he told himself. He felt that he was close, but he just couldn't quite make it happen.
Having an idea, he tried concentrating on more than just one memory. He thought of his three best friends, the other marauders. He thought of them becoming animagi to be with him in his hardest hours. Surely those memories would be the best thoughts to drive away the darkness. His friends made his whole life, and particularly those horrible nights, infinitely better. Little bits of the rest of his Hogwarts life mixed in as well, like Frank Longbottom whom Remus had looked up to so much for years. A few teachers' proud faces, and a few smiles and glances from the new girl, Jean Smith. "Expecto Patronum!" he finally yelled.
To Remus's surprise and delight, an almost solid looking form came out of his wand, more ran out really. Remus was overjoyed until the creature turned around.
A wolf.
Remus felt sick. Wasn't a patronus charm about protection? How could something in him have given him that as the very symbol of protection? Was such a large part of him really a beast? He stumbled back to his dorm not at all proud as he should have been for mastering one of the most difficult pieces of magic shown at Hogwarts.
Sirius saw him walk in. "Cheer up Remus, you'll get it eventually. No one else's gotten it, and most people don't even care."
Remus had confided in his best friends a few days ago about what he had been doing in empty classrooms for so long. He had told Jean what he was doing as well. None of them knew why it mattered to him so much though.
"I did it," Remus said, not really knowing what he wanted to say.
"You cast a patronus charm? A corporeal-or-whatever one?" Sirius asked, excitedly, though he was confused by his friend's expression.
"Yeah," he said, pausing and not looking at Sirius's confused face as he considered what to say.
"It's Moony," Remus explained, using his nickname, which was also code for his werewolf form.
Sirius winced, somewhat understanding his friend's feelings. "That's still- really great though," he offered.
"Your patronus is a werewolf?" Peter spoke up for the first time. Remus had hardly noticed he was there. James wasn't in the room. He was doing homework with Lily most likely. The marauders were still very close, but they were spending more time apart now.
"Well, I think it's just a normal wolf. It doesn't show the werewolf signs that I could tell," he said, feeling a slight bit better, "But still…"
"It doesn't matter. That's amazing, Remus. First of our year in defense, like always," he said, feeling that calling Remus by his nickname at this moment was not the best idea.
Remus wasn't always first, and Sirius himself was always close to the top, but Sirius was a good friend just trying to make him feel better.
"I just need some time," Remus said. "I think I'm going to go to the library," he said, wondering if he wanted to run into Jean or not. "Thanks, by the way," he said, looking at his two friends in the room and walking to the library lost in thought. He was halfway to the library before he realized that he hadn't even grabbed any of his assignments to take with him.
He walked to the library and over to the table that Jean usually sat at, seeing her there like he supposed he was hoping for, though he was only halfway sure he wanted to be near anyone at all.
She looked up and smiled when she saw him. He had come to do his homework beside her often the past few weeks. Always the quick observer, she noticed that he did not carry any books today and he didn't look very sure of himself standing there.
"How are you, Remus?" Hermione asked.
"I cast a corporeal patronus," Remus answered, because he wasn't really sure how to answer her real question.
"Really? That's great!" Hermione replied, wondering if maybe his expression was just from not liking to brag about himself, but it seemed like more than that. "What form did it take?"
Remus looked down at his feet, trying to not act completely abnormal, "A wolf."
"Oh," Hermione instantly knew what was wrong and almost got up to give him a hug, but stopped herself. She tried to act as a normal person who didn't know anything unusual about Remus would, "That's really cool," she said, wincing after saying the first thing that came to her mind. She wasn't sure what else she could have said that would have seemed more normal though.
Remus opened his mouth and closed twice before saying anything. "I don't- like wolves," he finally said. "I mean," he said, trying to not sound odd, "I don't even really like dogs."
He paused while Hermione tried to think of what to say, but she couldn't speak. He finally elaborated, "One… bit me, when I was younger. That didn't sound like the real truth at all, but it was the closest that Remus had come to telling anyone about being bitten. Sirius, Peter, and James had figured it out by themselves and finally confronted him about it. He wasn't ready for another confrontation like that, even though that one had been years ago now, but it was wonderful to have their acceptance.
"I've always liked wolves," Hermione said, making Remus snap his head up from his feet.
Hermione continued, "I had a little stuffed wolf that I got when I was five. I slept with him every night, and he would protect me from the monsters I imagined in my closet and under the bed," she explained, and then added, "His name was Wolfy."
"Wolfy?" Remus asked, a hint of a smile touching his face, and a quiet chuckle escaped.
"Hey! I was only five at the time and thought it was perfect. My dog tore him apart when I was eleven though, the summer before going to H- St. Anne's," Hermione covered, hoping he hadn't noticed.
She continued, thinking quickly, grasping at something to say, "And when I was ten I read the book Julie of the Wolves which became my favorite book at the time." She rambled, "It's about a girl who runs away and lives with wolves, and she watches them grow and survive and everything." She winced again internally wondering if the book was even written by this point in time, much less a few years before when she was supposedly ten. Improvising was still not her strength. She told herself that Remus would not know or care about muggle books, particularly about one written by an American muggle for younger girls.
"I'm sure it's a nice story, but wolves aren't like that," He sighed, knowing it sounded silly to be worked up over a patronus form if you didn't know that he was a werewolf. "They are ferocious beasts."
"They are territorial and defend their pack, even to the death. Noble beasts," Hermione countered.
He smiled, giving in, perhaps just to not fight, "I love how you always see the bright side of things. It rubs off on me a bit I think," he finished, blushing furiously after he said it.
Hermione braved, "Well, I'll just have to be sure to spend more time with you then."
"Jean?" he asked, sounding a bit awkward after their strange but almost comfortable conversation. "The guys are throwing me a birthday party next Hogsmead weekend. I'm the first of the Marauders to turn seventeen, and they seem to want to make a big deal of it. Would you like to come?" He rushed, continuing, "I'm sure Frank is bringing Alice." He hoped she wouldn't think him strange for asking.
"I'd love to," Hermione answered with a smile.
A matching smile lit up his face. "Well, I'll see you then, I suppose..." he said, glancing at the door.
"Yeah, and I'm sure I'll see you around before then," she laughed. "We seem to meet in the library a lot." This was certainly becoming true. And if perhaps both were coming here more often than they usually would, neither let themselves think much of it.
"Yeah," he replied, "I'll see you around. And thanks," again he was being vague. He was inwardly thanking her for thinking well of wolves, however foolish those thoughts were, and even though she didn't know why it meant so much to him. Surely she didn't know.
He began to walk away but turned around quickly, "Hey, when's your birthday?"
"September 19th," Hermione said without really thinking much about it. She had barely noticed when the date passed, and she wondered if it could really be considered her birthday anyway after all of her time traveling through the year and then this whole mess. It was probably pretty close to accurate after she lost the summer to make up for the extra hours she spent during the school year, she thought.
Remus frowned. "You let everyone miss it," he said. We would have done something for you."
"Oh, it's fine, really. I don't like all the attention."
"It's that's just not right though, for people to not celebrate your birthday."
"Remus," she half whined, "Don't make a big deal, please. I don't want a party or gifts or anything. I don't like the attention, and I'd just be homesick." She wasn't sure why she cared so much, but she didn't want this attention. It was too close to her real self to celebrate a birthday.
He chuckled, "I don't want it either to be honest, but I know three young men who are very insistent. They'll be trying their best to get me drunk that night, because I never have anything stronger than butterbeer with them."
He still hadn't promised her and hoped he wouldn't have to. "Remus?" she was practically begging for people to not pay attention to her for some reason. She seemed even more against it then Remus was for himself.
He sighed, "I won't tell anyone, okay? But you should."
"I just don't like being noticed," she maintained. She looked relieved and happy though.
He chuckled, "Well then not being noticed is finally something you don't do well. I'd say a fair portion of the school already knows how brilliant you are. All of the fourth years for sure, and word gets around. And we don't get new students very often- I don't think I've ever heard of one before you. So you were doomed to be interesting from the first day," he finished with a smile.
Hermione blushed and hoped that she wasn't being reckless with the fragile balance of the future in her hand.
A/N: I'm happy with this one. Honestly I'm pretty happy with the whole thing. I've thought about throwing in some Remus flashbacks, but I'm not sure. Suggestions are welcome. I'm trying to piece together thoughts on the night Remus was bitten. Thanks to everyone to your support. Please review. I answer each review personally, and they mean a lot to me. It is midterm week coming up, and I should really be studying instead of editing this right now, but I love this so much. Some loving reviews would be especially appreciated.