Killua was mostly relieved. Gon didn't hate him because of one slip. Killua pulled Gon closer, burying his shame into Gon's warm body. He felt Gon's hand spread out and lower to the small of his back. Gon's warmth, his being. Killua could feel the unavoidable compassion seeping into his bones, just from this embrace.
Killua was mostly relieved, but also slightly ashamed of himself. He didn't deserve Gon. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. He didn't deserve any of this.
'This whole time,' Killua realized, 'I was thinking that I didn't deserve him, that I never could. I was so blinded by my lowered self worth that I couldn't see him.'
"I'm sorry, Gon," he said as he stood, pulling out of Gon's arms. "I'll... I'll be right back." Those amber- no, caramel- eyes flickered up to him, and Gon stood as well.
"I'll go with you."
Killua stared at him blankly. "Oh... um..." he looked over to the door. "I should probably tell you, right? So you... I'm just going to go take a shower..." Gon's hand rose to his cheek, angling his face upwards.
"I'll go with you." He repeated, and Killua felt his face burn.
"That's not necessary." Killua muttered, looking away. Gon pressed a kiss to his forehead. Glancing back, Killua saw a smug grin on his face.
Gon took a step back. "Okay, but if I don't hear the shower I'm running after you." Killua chuckled.
"That's not what I'm worried about."
"I've already seen you naked, though, so it's not like it'll be any different."
Killua shook his head. "If you wanna come with me, go ahead, but you're not getting in."
Gon pouted at him, and Killua rolled his eyes. "Come on, you weirdo."
He noticed Gon's raised eyebrow, but didn't say anything, especially when Gon didn't. Until- "Does that mean I can get in, too?"
"Pervert."
The water was cold, running down his skin, from the back of his neck to the small of his back, it replaced the resident heat of the high with a hollow chill that permeated through his body.
Gon hadn't gotten in with him, and at the moment, he was grateful, for now he could wallow in his own self pity. Yes, he was angry at himself- no, angry's not the right word. He was enraged, pissed off- because of what he'd done. He'd yelled at Gon and got high. He didn't deserve Gon. He really didn't.
He heard a low hum from the other side of the curtain.
"It's not getting hot in here, you okay?" Gon called out from his spot on the toilet seat.
Killua didn't say anything, but looked at Gon's faint silhouette on the curtain. He was illuminated by the overhead light and stood out radiantly, making Killua fall that much further.
"Killua?" Gon called out again while standing.
"I'm fine," Killua said, leaning further into the cold water. "You don't have to worry about anything."
"It can't be helped, I'm worrying." Gon said, and Killua saw movement through the curtain.
"Stu~pid, Gon. Don't you dare do what I think you're about to." Killua straightened, his grim mood slowly fading away.
"Are you daring me not to? Because, you see, Mito-san always told me to ignore dares."
Killua reached forward and turned up the heat of the water, feeling it gradually heat against his skin. Except Gon was a furnace, and he still might find it cold.
The curtain of the shower rustled, and Gon stepped in behind Killua.
"Your hair looks really nice wet," he said while closing the curtain. Killua felt his cheeks heat, and he absently pulled on a lock of it.
He could feel Gon's heat on his back then, and leaned back into his chest.
"If you try anything, I'm going to blast the cold water on you." Killua threatened, though it was an empty threat, and they both knew it.
Gon's arms circled him. "I'm not afraid of cold water." He pressed his lips to the back of Killua's neck.
Gon's lips trail down, following the curve of Killua's spine. There came the chill, running down his arms.
"What're you..." Killua managed out, as Gon made his way lower.
"Just a little bit of teasing." His voice was tinged with mischief again.
"You've been teasing a lot lately." Killua muttered. It wasn't long after saying that that he felt Gon's hands on his inner thigh, and he startled.
"I haven't been teasing a lot." Gon protested before he nipped at Killua's skin.
"Fuck." The teen breathed out, closing his eyes tightly as the warm water poured on him. "Yes. Yes, you have."
Gon gave a half-hearted sound of denial as Killua felt his lips dip to the back of his leg. Mischievous hand moved up and wrapped around Killua's dick.
"Brat!" Killua let out, startled and hiding his eyes in his arm, his hand balled into a fist, resting on the tile wall of the shower while the other twisted into his hair in an attempt to keep him grounded.
"Would you rather it was my mouth?" Gon teased before kissing the back of his thigh again. Killua did not respond. He didn't know what to say.
No wasn't a good answer, and yes only invited more snark, so he clenched his teeth and tried to keep from focusing on Gon.
But Gon was really the only thing he could focus on. The warm water faded away, as did the cold of the tile, and all that was left were the rough warm hands touching him and the soft lips torturing his legs.
"Gon." Killua muttered.
"You're really hard, Killua. Are you okay?" Gon was having fun, he could hear it in his voice.
He held back a retaliation, sucking in a hissed breath instead. 'Of course I'm not okay, you asshole. You're jacking me off in the shower.'
His legs started going weak beneath him; his body quaked as he came. Killua let himself fall slowly to the tile, kneeling in front of Gon, who was now pressed behind him, his arms circling around Killua.
"Gon," Killua whispered, his voice drowned out by the sound of the cooling water hitting the tile. "Why the hell would you choose me?"
The other pulled him closer, and he felt the natural warmth of Gon's skin against his.
"What was that, Killua?" He asked, voice floating over the sound of water.
"Nothing."
Senritsu looked between the two, both of them soaking wet, with water dripping from their hair. Her lips pursed together, and she shook her head slightly.
"You little rabbits," she muttered. "You should make yourselves something to eat; it's almost lunchtime."
"What about you?" Killua asked her, and she smiled shyly, shrugging her shoulders before replying.
"I'm going out with a friend."
Killua's eyes sparked with lightning, and he quickly asked:
"Why are you blushing, is it a guy?"
Senritsu waved him off. "That's none of your concern. Make your own food, Lu-chan."
"Ritsu..."
"See you two later."
And just as quickly, she was gone.
Killua stood at the door for a moment, eyes dazed before he heard the distinct clanking of pots against pans in the kitchen. He turned from the door and went toward the kitchen, seeing Gon inside, setting up.
"You can cook?"
Gon turned for a moment and flashed him a smile.
"Yeah, well. I grew up with my Aunt, as you know, so sometimes I would help out in the kitchen, like with bigger meals." He explained as he took out some bread, cheese, and butter.
"What are you making us then?"
'Shit, he can cook too? Lord almighty.'
Gon paused for a moment and looked at Killua.
"You don't know how to make grilled cheese?" The question was poses incredulously, and Killua answered it with a frown.
"I've never cooked before, okay? Unless toast counts."
Gon chuckled and tsked. "Then watch me; grilled cheese is one of the easiest things ever to cook."
Killua hummed, leaning against the counter. "I used to watch the chef cook when I was little. Sometimes she'd give me the illusion I was helping. Some meaningless task that had nothing to do with the dish but made little six year-old me feel so fulfilled." He laughed softly. "Y'know. She was more of a mom to me than my actual mom. Same with the butlers."
"I never knew my mom," Gon said as he turned the stove on, the two uncooked sandwiches sitting side by side in the pan. "There were never any pictures of her, and my aunt even said my dad just showed up with me one day."
"Your dad sounds like an asshole." Killua deadpanned, looking at Gon, who shrugged, letting the sandwiches cook on the one side before he grabbed a spatula and flipped them. The bread was an attractive golden-brown.
"I wouldn't know."
"That's precisely why he's an asshole."
Gon laughed as he pressed the sandwiches into the pan; a soft simmer sang with the soft laugh.
"I don't know; I still want to see for myself."
Killua tilted his head, looking at Gon with curiosity and... another emotion he couldn't identify. That one that remained ever illusive- just beyond his grasp.
The noon sun came in through the window, slipping past Killua and began to shine directly on Gon.
Gon, his embodiment of light, his loud, awkward, shameless, sweet, caring, loving, forgiving, flawless boyfriend.
'That's it,' Killua found himself thinking. 'You're not just the embodiment of light, are you. You're more than that. More than just simple light. You're the sun. You light up everything around you, you melt ice...'
He thought back to the unfinished painting in his studio. He should finish it. Should paint Gon's tanned skin and muscular arms. That sweet smile on his face, that innocence in his eyes. With the light wrapping around him, threatening to steal him away from the darkness.
Killua looked away from Gon and closed his eyes.
'There should be another painting,' that mocking voice in his mind whispered. 'The embodiment of darkness.'
Absently, Killua reached out, his fingers brushing against Gon's wrist.
Gon looked up, his full attention given to Killua.
"What's wrong?" He asked, and Killua opened his eyes, looked at Gon and smiled.
"You know I love you, right?" He said softly, his hand curling around Gon's wrist.
The sandwiches were done and moved to a plate so they could be ignored. The stove was turned off as well before Gon turned completely to Killua, taking both of his hands and leaning forward, forehead against forehead.
"Of course I do." Gon answered, thumb rubbing over the top of Killua's hand.
"Good." Killua closed his eyes as he squeezed Gon's hands.
Gon chuckled, pulling back slightly and pressing a kiss to Killua's forehead. "You know I love you too, right? You know that I will, no matter what happens?"
"Yeah. I know that."
Gon pressed another kiss to Killua's nose. "Good." Before pressing one to his lips as well.
"Let's eat, yeah?"
Killua smiled, looking at Gon. "Yeah."