The first work day came.
Maura woke up, missing the warm arm usually wrapped around her waist, missing the even breathing next to her and missing the sleepy husky voice saying "'Morning".
She blinked back tears and went to the bathroom. Mirror showed her it was clearshe cried herself to sleep last night again. Maura sighed and washed her face with cold water. Her puffy eyes started to go back to their usual size and unpuffyness. Applying her make-up felt more like putting on a mask though, because she desperately tried to hide everything that had been going on inside.
After that she aimed to the closet. She tried to choose a dress. I wore this one when we pretended we're gay, at Giovanni's car repair. And this one when we went to the school reunion. And this one when we ended up dancing to The Song. There were nearly no dress that wouldn't remind Maura of her loss. When she finally picked one and put on image of "Dr. Maura Isles", she left for work.
As she started the engine, the radio in her car started playing.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
and forget about the stupid little things
like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
and the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all
She immediately turned it off. Tears found their way into her eyes again. She tried to focus on the road, not letting the thoughts to destroy her so soon.
Standing in front of the BPD, she took a deep breath and tried to brace herself. She knew what would come. Pity gazes, "I'm very sorry for your loss", and people being incredibly sweet.
She stepped in and tried to get to the elevator as soon as possible, so she wouldn't have to talk with anybody. However, Sgt Korsak caught her.
"Good morning, Dr. Isles. It's good to see you back."
Maura nodded and said silent "Thank you. Good to see you, Sgt Korsak."
It looked to her like he had something else on his mind to say to her, but she couldn't take it. She didn't let him do so.
The whole day, Maura tried to drown herself in work and avoid talking to anybody, who wasn't necessary. She didn't go to a lunch, because she always used to go with Jane and she didn't want to crumble at a restaurant.
It was difficult for her to focus, because her mind still felt foggy. She couldn't remember all the science facts so quickly and it took her a long time until she broke a case.
She was so relieved when she could stride out of the building to the safety of her home.
As soon as she opened the door, she smelled food being cooked. She found Angela at the cooker in her kitchen. Dylan sat in her high chair with a bowl of mashed carrot in front of her.
"I thought you would be hungry – I bet you didn't eat, did you?" Angela asked, worried.
"No, I didn't… Thank you for being so thoughtful, Angela." Maura offered a slight smile and sat to the plate of gnocchi Angela made. They ate together in silence.
After Maura took a bath and Angela put Dylan to sleep, both women met up at the couch with glasses of red wine.
"So, how was your first day of work?"
"Dreadful and gruelling."
Angela tilted her head, waiting for further explanation.
"When will everything stop reminding me of her? I see memories of her with every piece of my clothes, I hear her in every song, I see her in every place I go to, I swear I can hear her talking with me when I'm doing the autopsy… I can't focus well and… Nothing makes sense. Not even science, which always had made sense to me. Not anymore… And all the pitiful glances of people around me… I can't take it. It's still too much for me… I broke down crying when I walked to Korsak and saw her filled desk but empty chair…" Maura was shaking with sobs. "I won't stand up… Ever. She was my rock, now I lost everything and I can only crumble… I've never felt so weak, Angela…"
"Oh, Maura… You just have to give it some time… Time will mend everything. And you have us, your family. And Dylan – have you noticed how happy she gets when she sees you? We will get through this, sweetheart."
Maura lowered her head and sighed deeply. "I wish you are right."