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Insight 2.2
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Tuesday, April 12, 2011.
Sophia Hess was Shadow Stalker. That was why the teachers at Winslow did nothing. They knew she was a cape. That's why they let her get away with everything.
That's why I suffered for a year and a half; because she was a cape and I was nothing, just a random powerless girl.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. Amy was looking worriedly at me. "Taylor?" she asked gently. "Let's... let's get out of here. We can go to your house and talk. Is that okay?"
"Yes," I replied woodenly. I tried to smile reassuringly at my only friend, but I think it looked more like a grimace.
Amy's hand gently took my own and guided me out. For a moment I thought about what I could do. I could hurt Emma. I could hurt them... I could do worse. But no, I shook my head, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I wasn't going to do anything now, when I was still reeling from the discovery.
On our way home, Amy said nothing, but her gentle hand around my own let me know she was here for me.
My thoughts went through my memories of my time at Winslow. So many small things made sense now. Somehow, in the end, the terrible trio always managed to get to my homework and projects. Sophia was using her powers to hurt me! And the way the school put pressure on me to drop my accusations against the trio, they weren't just protecting themselves, but Shadow Stalker as well.
We arrived home without me realizing it. I unlocked the door and let Amy drag me to my room. She pushed me to my bed and sat down next to me. Her hands draped around my shoulders and I let myself go. I was safe here. Tears trailed down my cheeks and I buried my head in Amy's neck.
Amy said nothing, she just tightened her hold on me and ran her hands up and down on my back in comfort.
When I finally calmed down, I retreated from the embrace and felt myself blush. "Sorry for crying on you."
"It's fine. That's what friends are for." Amy retreated from me and clasped her hands on top of her knees. "What are you going to do?"
"Ha," I huffed. "What can I do? I'm pretty sure that the teachers at Winslow knew Sophia was a cape and what she was doing. And probably the PRT as well."
"I doubt that the PRT or the Protectorate knew about it," Amy said, "or if they did, they didn't know the full scope of what was happening."
"You can't know that," I said.
"It's not that I think that they aren't capable of sweeping this under the rug. If this hits the papers, the PR hit would be huge. However, it is precisely because of that that they would have done something to curb Shadow Stalker's actions. At the very least they would have transferred her to another team. They simply can't afford the bad publicity that would come if it got out."
"So, what if I lawyer up? I should be able to afford it now. I could go straight to a newspaper, or I could simply go to them and threaten them that I'm going to the press unless they deal with Shadow Stalker."
"There may be complications," Amy said. "The unwritten rules."
I nodded thoughtfully. "The use of my powers resulted in finding out a Ward's identity. They're not going to like that. Worse, I don't have any actual proof of the trio's bullying campaign, so she'll probably get away with it."
"That is likely," Panacea agreed with a regretful sigh.
"And then she might come after me," I suddenly realized. "Or she could escape even if they miraculously decide to arrest her. She's a sociopath... she called me prey when she talked to Emma. If she finds out that I was in any way behind it, she might come after me or my dad."
"I have heard that Shadow Stalker was in some sort of legal problems before she joined the Wards," Amy said. "I think that joining the Wards was the cost of not going to prison."
"Then," I sighed, "I won't do anything. I've already chosen once to ignore them and get away from them. I'll do it again. If I can find a way of dealing with Shadow Stalker without putting my civilian and cape identity in danger, or worse, my dad's, then I'll take it. Until then, If they are keeping their distance from me as Sophia said, I won't do anything."
Amy smiled, looking relieved. She gave me a quick hug. "I'm glad you decided not to do anything sudden. You are a real hero," she said softly. Amy's arms retracted and she got up and started to pace before me.
"I... I think I can trust you with something," the healer said. Her voice was unsure and her arms looked like they were trying to find a place to be. The healer took a deep breath and clasped her hands before her. "I've never told this to anyone; not to my family or the PRT; not even to my sister."
"Whatever it is, I'll keep it secret," I said, touched that she could trust me with something she never told anyone.
"People think I am a healer. That is only a partial truth. I am a bio-manipulator and have an instinctive understanding of biology. Healing is only a result of my power. I can do practically anything with biological material."
"That is... pretty awesome and really overpowered as hell," I said after a moment. If she was a bio-manipulator, then she could do so much more than simple automatic healing, she could heal diseases, correct genetic defects and even strengthen the bodies of capes. Panacea was a powerhouse - as powerful as one of the triumvirate. But why did she keep it hidden? When I asked her this, Amy looked away shamefully, as if she did something wrong.
"That's because of all the bad things I could do, if I turned evil. I could be the next Nilbog or Bonesaw." Amy looked away from me and swallowed with what looked like a guilty expression. "I could be worse than them combined. I'd be able to make worse creatures than Nilbog ever did. And while Bonesaw can create some scary things, she needs time, tools and is rather... crude. I, on the other hand, can develop horrible plagues in just seconds."
I stared at Amy in shock. Not at her power, but at her state of mind. Given that she never told anyone about her real power, she must have been struggling with these kind of thoughts and doubts for a long time. I held out my hand at the healer. "Amy, come here, I said softly."
The healer shuffled forward and took my hands gingerly. She was looking at my hands when her head gave a small flinch and she looked away from me. What did she think about? Why does she look like she did something wrong? Did she realize that with but a thought she could kill me?
"Amy," I said slowly, "what did you think just now?"
The healer's face paled and she tried to back away from me, but I tightened my hold on her hands.
"Amy, you can tell me. Please."
The healer's body trembled but she decided to speak. "For a moment I thought about what I could do to you with my power. I could paralyze you, put you to sleep. I could... do anything I want to you."
I looked into her now red eyes, and realized just how afraid of her power Amy was. She was afraid of losing control. She was afraid that she could harm or kill people by accident if she wasn't in full control of her powers.
"And would you ever do that to me or anyone else unless it was necessary?" I asked.
"I... don't want to," Amy said, "but sometimes it is so hard to always do the right thing. I'm actually able to work with brains, but I made that a line that I will never cross. It is so hard, though. My... father suffers from depression. With my power, I could fix that, but I feel that if I do it once I will never be able to stop. With this power I could change the entire personality of a person. I'm afraid that I will be tempted to change people. I could make... people love me, but that would be wrong. It would mean the death of personality. But sometimes, I have this impulse to just do it. Just a few changes and my power will make... people love me. And that's not all. Every day, I heal and heal. A long time ago, I felt I was making a difference, that I was helping people, but now I feel nothing. Sometimes... sometimes I wonder if I should make a mistake - deliberately. Then, I could get away from this constant, unending duty. No matter how many people I heal, there are always more."
Amy fell to her knees, her hands slipping from my own. "Am I a monster, Taylor? Am I a villain?"
"No, you are not," I said firmly. I kneeled down in front of her, cupped her face and stared into her eyes. "Amy, you've been constantly healing people since you were a child. From what I got from you and your family, they've hardly ever tried to help you with your problems. It's normal to have doubts, to feel tired. People older than you - soldiers, doctors and other people in high stress professions - have felt like you; it is normal to feel like you do. When is the last time you took a holiday?"
"I don't," Amy said. "Hundreds of people would..."
"And even as you work yourself to death," I cut her off, "millions more die in other cities, states and countries. You can't save everyone and you can't save anyone if you burn out. And about the other stuff... have you ever heard of intrusive thoughts?"
Amy shook her head.
"They are unwelcome, involuntary thoughts that everybody has," I said, trying to remember an old paper I read some time ago. "They range from things like throwing yourself from heights or stepping into traffic, to violent or sexually violent acts and even thoughts of violence towards animals and children. Generally, they are nothing to worry about. They are things we are aware they are bad, and we simply ignore them. Sometimes if you are highly stressed, like you are, they might be more bothersome. That doesn't make you evil, Amy. We don't judge people for thought crimes or for what they might do in the future. We judge them for their actions. You Amy, who healed so many normal people and so many capes are a true hero."
"You really think so?" the healer asked. "What about what my true abilities can do?"
"Bah," I said. "Do you think you are the only one who could destroy the world? Do you think that if Bonesaw actually wanted to, she couldn't create a few plagues and release them simultaneously in multiple locations?"
"What about the triumvirate?" I continued. "If any of them turned against us, we'd suffer greatly. Just their absence from Endbringer fights would be bad, but if they tried to personally do damage, they could destroy a huge amount of infrastructure before they were stopped. With his speed, if Legend started to blow up power plants, and transportation infrastructure, we'd suffer at the very least millions of deaths only from starvation."
"Most Thinkers are smart enough to find a plan that would kill a few million people with minimal effort and most Tinkers could do even worse damage."
"I personally," I said, "could easily kill most of this city in a single day. And this isn't true only for capes. Most normal people, if they were crazy enough, could do massive amounts of damage."
"Amy, just because you could use your powers for evil, that doesn't make you evil, or your powers evil. I think that you are one of the most important capes in the world and that your actions did a huge amount of good in the world. I believe that simply by being willing to go to Endbringer fights and in their aftermath, you have convinced more capes to participate than anyone else. How many capes would have died if you weren't there to heal them? And without those capes you saved, how many more would have died because they didn't have more backup capes?"
"You really think so?" the healer asked.
"Of course, I do," I said, "for me, you are the greatest hero."
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We spent some time in each other's arms, until Amy sighed. "Damn," she said.
"What?" I asked.
"I just realized that I got you home so I could help you with your problems, and here you are, helping me with mine."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "You did help me."
"Right, but the reason I told you about my abilities was because I want to modify some bugs for you."
I froze at the thought, imagining what sort of creatures Amy could make. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"What kind of bugs?"
"Well, to start with, I was thinking about some sort of relay bugs and something that can fly you away from danger."
"Really?" I asked. "You'd do that for me?"
"You're my friend. Of course I will."
"You're the best, Amy!" I couldn't believe it. This was going to be awesome. I hugged Amy tighter and she fell on her back with me on top of her. Her cheeks reddened and I grinned at her cute look of embarrassment. "Amy," I said suddenly, "I think I want to have your babies."
"W-what?" she spluttered.
"Well, you are a bio-manipulator," I pointed out with a grin. "It wouldn't be that hard for you, would it?"
Amy's face flushed even redder, but she didn't look away. Instead, her eyes stared into mine and her breathing grew heavier.
And that is when I realized just what position we were in. With that, all sorts of little things came together. I always loved to hold her hand and hug her, to talk to her and spend time with her, to make sure she was safe and happy. I was certain Amy felt the same. She never liked the male dates her sister tried to push on her. Her meetings with me could be considered more like dates than simple meetings between friends. Did Amy like girls? Did I? Looking at her parted lips, I realized what I wanted to do.
My face lowered and our lips met in a soft kiss.
Her lips were sweet and inviting.
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Author's Notes: Well, damn. I wasn't planning for something like the last part in this chapter. I was going to put something like that around Insight 2.5, but I kind of felt like it would fit here.
Given Amy's stress, and family situation, I think that a few intrusive thoughts (google it for more in-depth info), that are common to most people, made her situation even worse. If she had some therapy, (like all people in high stress situations need) or a good ear to talk to, her mental situation would have been much better.
I hope there wasn't that much angst. I generally dislike it, but felt like it could bring our two main heroes closer together and also begin to heal Amy's mind.
Published: October 5 2014.