Journey to myself

by HTTS-76

A young Christian man is sent away from home to make himself better. He wants to be better; he wants his parents to love him and he wants God to love him. He realizes that it is OK to be this way but he wonders why his parents taught him to hate himself.

10. 8 Part VIII

Part VIII

Do not worry, that was not a cliffhanger at the end of the previous chapter. Nothing happened, even though I did not mind if something would happen. I would probably regret that later. I do not know what Draco thinks of me, but apparently he thought it quite normal to be stared at by a love struck guy. I found it amazing that he did not have a herd of admirers sending him flowers every ten minutes. I would do it if I had the guts for it.

I ended up walking through Central Park with Draco. He has quite a bit of knowledge in that handsome head of his. Apparently he loves history as well; he had read a lot of books on history (mainly about the world wars) and he owns several DVDs on the world wars. I told him that I did not really like the wars, but I liked watching or reading about a country's evolution throughout time and the changes that the culture goes through. Draco told me he had a movie called 'Samurai'. It was made in the fifties and it is about Japan in the time of the samurai and there is this farmer's village that gets assaulted by bandits and they cannot really defend themselves, so they request the protection of samurai. He asked me if I wanted to watch the movie with him sometime. I agreed, mainly because I was very interested in the movie, but also because I would be alone with Draco for an entire evening. Somehow that thrilled me.

Then there was the Seth thing. I decided against calling him and just stopping by his apartment when I went back. This is what I was currently doing. Draco left me alone for the fourth floor, while I walked over to room number three hundred and fifteen. I knocked three times on it and thankfully Seth opened the door and smiled at me.

"Harry, hey," he said and opened the door wide to allow me in. "What a surprise. To what do I owe this pleasant visit?"

"Er … I saw that I had three missed calls from you," I began. It was the safest way to begin instead of accusing him of sleeping around. Draco does give great advice. "So I called you around eleven o'clock this morning, but someone else picked up. I wondered about this person and wanted to ask you about it, so I came to your apartment and eh … well, I saw you lying in bed still asleep with a guy next to you … I mean, if you … you know, if you have met someone else …" I swallowed and glanced down at the wooden floor of the apartment.

"Will you please sit down so I can explain myself?" Seth asked and I nodded and walked over to the sofa where I sat down. Seth sat down next to me. "That guy's name is Kyle Adams and is an old friend of mine. He knew Draco as well and was at the party. We spent the entire time at the party catching up with each other because we hadn't seen each other in several years. We got a bit drunk and he lives in New York City nowadays, so I offered him a place to crash for the night. We didn't do anything, besides he's not even gay."

"You looked pretty cozy in bed together," I muttered.

"Kyle is one of those straight men who do show affection towards his male friends," Seth said.

"Oh." I am glad I did not start accusing Seth of sleeping around if he was really telling the truth. But straight men do not usually wrap their arms around another man like that, do they? Nor do they sleep in the same bed as another man. Or perhaps New Yorkers did do that. Strange. Seth wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer. I felt kind of guilty for having feelings for Draco, but I did not want to voice them out loud. It was unimportant because I was with Seth and I was sure that my feelings for Draco would disappear, though it was harder when Draco spoke to me this afternoon at Central Park. I did not know what it was, but there was something irresistible about him.

Enough about Draco. Like I said earlier, Draco is someone who would never want to be in a relationship with someone like me. I am ordinary, not very good looking in my opinion and I also could not understand why Seth had taken a liking to me. Perhaps he was one of the ones who did not judge on appearance. If he did, I am sure I would have been written off ages ago. I wrapped an arm around Seth's belly and sighed, dropping my head on his shoulder. Being with Seth like this in his arms felt good; I felt wanted for a change. Not that I felt unwanted all the time, but I did not feel a sense of belonging here in Manhattan. I did feel that with Seth. And with Draco.

Enough about Draco. I told Seth that I spoke with Draco at Central Park and that I would watch a movie with him sometime. Seth seemed OK with that and apparently could not see how much I looked forward to that.

Sometime in the afternoon, I got called while I was watching a TV program. "Hello?"

"Hey, Harry," Draco said on the other end.

"Hey, how did you get my number?" I asked.

"I have my ways," he said mysteriously. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Eh … nothing."

"Great, come over to my place and we'll watch that movie. My roommate's gone for the evening―something to do with her idiot brother, so I've got the place for my own. So what about it?"

"Sounds good. I'll be over in a few seconds."

Draco laughed. "OK, see you in a few."

I hung up and could barely contain my happiness. I put my cell phone in my pocket and wrote a quick note for Hermione, who was out with a few friends of hers. Then I left for Draco's apartment down the hall at number twenty. Before I had even knocked three times on the door it got opened by Draco who motioned for me to come in. The last time I had entered his apartment I felt afraid because Draco was in a bad mood, but this time that was not the case. The curtains were drawn shut and the room was dark save for a lamp near the sofa that lit up the little corner where the television hung.

"What would you like to drink? I've got fizzy drinks, beer, water, orange juice …" he said.

"Eh … I would like a glass of orange juice please," I said and sat down on the sofa. The DVD lay on the coffee table and I picked it up and read the summary on the back. It looked very interesting indeed. This night alone with Draco felt exciting to me. He came back quickly and handed me a glass of what looked like fresh orange juice. He had gotten himself a coke and grabbed the remote control.

"I've seen this movie once before, but it's worth watching it a second time," he said and pressed play.

I looked at the TV screen instead of at Draco. I really needed to get over this crush but I also realized that if I would not be able to, I could not drag Seth into my own personal mess. I knew I liked Draco more than I liked Seth, I thought of Seth more as a close friend instead of a boyfriend and I saw Draco more as a potential boyfriend than a friend. If these feelings for Draco would not leave, then I would talk to Seth about it. It was better to tell him before it was too late and before Seth's feelings got too strong. I did not want to hurt him.

I felt very conflicted while I was watching this movie. I had never seen a movie like this before. It was shot in black and white, and it looked and felt very realistic. There was one fellow among the group of samurai that had me really cracking up with his antics. Unfortunately he died near the end of the movie. I became more comfortable in Draco's presence and I did not feel afraid of him. Not today at least. Draco put the movie on pause and asked me if I would like another drink?

"I would like another glass of orange juice, please," I said when he asked me.

"So polite," he purred and took my empty glass from the coffee table. My cheeks felt a bit warm after he spoke like that. The sound of his voice really got to me; it was deep, sensual, and highly erotic … or had I already mentioned that sometime? Draco returned a full glass to me while I kept staring at the TV screen.

"I've got some vegan snacks," he said. "Want to try some?"

"Sure, I have already been talked into eating vegetarian, why not just add something vegan too?" I shrugged and watched Draco smile, literally jump off the couch and head for the kitchen area. That man became stranger the more I spoke to him and saw him. The more I spoke to him and saw him, the more I liked him. He came back with a bowl of what looked like marshmallows and a bowl of tortilla chips. "This is vegan?"

"Yep, and it's good," Draco said and put the two bowls on the coffee table. "I totally love the marshmallows." He grabbed a few marshmallows and held one in front of my mouth. I glanced at him and took a bite.

"Hmm, it is sweet," I mumbled and swallowed the piece that I had bitten off. I took another bite and my lips came dangerously close to Draco's fingers that were holding the last little bit of marshmallow. Draco stuffed the last bit into his own mouth and hit the play button on the remote control. I cannot believe that I could find something like that arousing. Believe me when I say that I really do like Seth and he is a wonderful guy, but Draco really makes my body go into overdrive. There was something incredibly erotic about him feeding me a marshmallow―a vegan marshmallow. He apparently thought it very normal for he took no more notice of me and happily ate away from the bowl in front of him as his eyes were focused on the moving TV screen.

I really needed to talk to Seth. And perhaps I should talk to a psychiatrist about my cutting addiction, even though I had not done it for a few days now. I felt no need to hurt myself lately. I swallowed thickly and focused on the movie again.

The duration of the movie was about three hours(!), but was very interesting. I really liked those katana swords, you know, the samurai swords. A samurai sword is called a katana in Japanese. I was very surprised when Draco said something in Japanese to me. He deepened his voice and said something along the lines of 'we must fight for our freedom, for our freedom is our own' or something like that. I had never heard anything sexier than that. Whew, my God. I had no idea that he spoke Japanese. It was around twelve that I returned to my apartment. Hermione had probably already gone to bed because she had to get up early tomorrow, as did I. I would send a text message to Seth to ask him to come by the bookstore at six after my shift was over. I did not want to hurt him, I really did not, but I could not keep this up while I felt stronger for someone else even if I probably would never be with this person. Seth did not deserve to get dragged into my mess.

That was probably the smartest idea I had ever had so far. I went to bed with yet again troubled thoughts and wondered if Seth would be hurt, disappointed or angry.

The following day, Monday, I saw that I had one text message from Seth. He agreed to meet with me. He probably thought that I would want to go out with him and have a drink or something. I planned to take him to Central Park and take a walk together while I would tell him of my crush on Draco that would still not go away. Was I making the right decision of telling him? I could almost hit myself across the head; of course I would be making the right decision. It is not fair to Seth and I definitely did not want to hurt him more than I unfortunately had to. I hoped Seth's feelings for me did not go that deep; he would be more hurt if he loved me.

All throughout the day I kept thinking about what I had to tell Seth and how I was going to break it to him. Suddenly that same boy that had hit on me a couple of days ago came into the store. This time he did not look at me. He looked a bit uneasy, I thought. I shrugged to myself and looked down into a book I had brought with me about Japan. I still had not finished that book, mainly because I had been too busy with other things, such as thinking about Draco. I sighed to myself and looked up at the boy who fumbled with his jacket a lot. Then the boy turned and made a beeline for the counter. I felt my eyebrows go up and my eyes widened. He looked a little hysterical if I had to say so myself.

"That book on astrology was good," he said and clenched his fists on the counter.

"O-OK," I said. "Can I help you with anything else?"

"Is your girlfriend pretty?"

I had a hard time not gaping at the boy who became increasingly more upset. "That is none of your business, kid."

"I'm sure it's a model or something," he muttered. "A skinny girl who is famous, I bet. Why are all the cute guys straight?" he complained. I decided to just let him rant. Sometimes they needed to get something like that off their chests and I did not bother to correct him in his assumption about my sexual orientation. "I bet you laughed at me when I was gone, didn't you? I bet you thought I was just some pathetic kid hitting on a random guy, but I have seen you before. I'm sure I have."

"And where have you seen me then?" I asked.

"I don't know, alright!" he groaned and leaned slightly over the counter. Then he suddenly pointed his finger at me. "I remember! It was at that Chinese restaurant! You were there with two other people. Do you know how beautiful you looked in the glowing light of the candle?"

"Why did you hit on me? What made you think that I was like you?" I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned at the kid who nervously played with his lip ring. I looked beautiful in the glowing light of a candle? I admit that was a very creative pick-up line. How often had this kid told other guys the very same? Me and beautiful, that is a good one. Not.

"I don't know," he shrugged and looked down. "It couldn't hurt to try, could it? A lot of gay guys live here, so you never really know when you're hitting on a straight guy or a gay guy. I didn't care that you could beat the shit out of me for hitting on you. I just wanted to talk to you. I didn't even care that you knew that big blond guy."

"Do you mean Draco Malfoy?"

The boy nodded and shuddered. "He's unbelievably gorgeous, and don't tell him this please, but a lot of gay kids are afraid of him. He always gives us a threatening look as if he knows that we're not straight and that he could beat us all up and get away with it. I'm sure he could get away with it. Rumor has it that he often works with the police and that he does them a favor. I bet the police would turn a blind eye for him if he asked for it."

The kid was not the only one who was afraid of Draco; even I had felt afraid of him a few times. Then the bell above the door jingled and the door shut closed. I had to stop myself from laughing because Draco had to duck slightly to get through the doorway. It was a pretty funny sight. He wore his black sunglasses and he looked all unreadable, quite hot actually. The kid turned his head and I saw his shoulders tense up and he uttered a soft gasp.

"What is he doing here?" the boy whispered with his eyes trained on the tall form of Draco. "Did you call him? Oh, God," he gasped and looked at Draco.

"Do not get all hysterical," I said and rolled my eyes. The boy looked at me and he was really afraid. Why was he so afraid? Had Draco done something to him? Did he have bad experiences with homophobes? Or were there a lot of negative rumors going around about Draco that made others fear him? I would ask him about it, I decided. "Draco, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, just looking around," he said and gave me and the boy a look. "Yes, I do venture out into bookstores. I like reading, remember?"

"The porn section is in that corner," I said and pointed at the corner to my left.

Draco laughed at me and gave me the thumbs up. He approached me and I saw the kid inching away from the counter. "So … was this the kid that hit on you?"

"How do you …?"

"Seth told me," Draco explained. "At my birthday party when you had not shown up."

"Sorry," I muttered and looked away from him. "How was I supposed to know that I was invited? No one told me anything. Except for Seth then, he told me that your party was on June fifth."

"Well, perhaps you can attend the party next year?" Draco suggested and took off his sunglasses. Then he turned to the boy. "What are you looking at, kid?" he demanded.

"N-nothing, sir," the boy stammered and lowered his eyes. I knew how the boy felt, I truly did. Draco has a gift for intimidating people and he does not really have to put in a lot of effort to pull that off, because he did so successfully. The boy tried to move away, but Draco decided to tease him further. He gripped the boy's shoulder and prevented the boy from leaving the store.

"Draco," I said and shook my head when he looked at me. However, he just smirked and put his arm around the boy's shoulders.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Draco asked the boy. "You look very familiar …" He rubbed his chin in thought while the boy tried to avoid eye contact. "Ah! Now I remember," he said and smiled. "You're the one that's always pointing at me and whispering about me behind my back. Kid, I have a very good hearing, and some of the things you said … Whew, really, I didn't know that I was a private detective rounding up gay guys when I feel like it. I didn't know that I was friends with the cops either. Oh, and I eat puppies for breakfast."

"Really?" I asked. Why had I never heard those rumors about Draco before? "Quite the CV you have."

"Oh, yeah," Draco grinned. "I also teach high school kids solely for the purpose of being able to punish them as a teacher."

"Oh, yeah?" I smiled. "I suppose you are rather cut out for teaching."

"Totally," Draco nodded. Then he glanced down at the boy and squeezed the boy's shoulder. "What are you so afraid of, kid? I'm not going to hurt you or beat you up or whatever. I don't even know you and thus I have no reason to beat you up because you didn't do anything to make me angry. Do you know the saying 'don't judge a book by its cover'? Perhaps you should think about that more often." Then he released the boy. "Hurry along now," he said and made a shooing motion with his hands.

The boy quickly left without a glance backwards. Draco snorted and turned towards me. "Little brat," he murmured and glanced at the book that I had opened in front of me. "Japan," he said. "Is it a good book?"

"It is," I nodded and stared at Draco's face, whose eyes were scanning the pictures on the page I had been reading. He stood so incredibly close and again I marveled at how fair this man's skin was and how perfect it looked. He had beautiful features; soft lips, very nice teeth, beautiful smile, strong jaw line. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of gray I had ever seen and when Draco looked into my eyes, I saw just how gray they really were. When he looked at me like that, it seemed my brain shut down. I was completely captivated by this creature that was far too beautiful and far too perfect to be human.

"Good," Draco murmured. His eyes left my eyes and briefly settled on my lips, I think. Was it just me or did his face suddenly came closer? I looked at his lips, which seemed to be just inches away from mine. Just before our lips touched, the bell above the door jingled and a woman of about thirty years old came in. Draco seemed to realize what had almost happened and put some distance between the two of us. "Er … I need to go. I'll see you sometime, OK?"

Before I could say anything, Draco had left the store. After about twenty minutes, I started wondering if that had really happened. Had we almost kissed? Or was that just a figment of my imagination, a desperate dream that would never come true? Surely that had to be it. I had not had a lot of customers today, and I had just been daydreaming is all. Draco had not come to this very bookstore, because he did not know where I worked and he would certainly not come here for me. It had looked so real though. The boy's fear seemed so real, and Draco himself had looked so real. My dreams looked very real too, but I would rather not think about them. Not before I had spoken to Seth.

It was only three o'clock in the afternoon, and Seth would not be here until six. Three more hours, I sighed softly to myself. I turned back to my book and read more about Japan as an empire in the nineteenth century.

When six o'clock neared, I became increasingly more nervous. I had never been in a relationship before, and I had never had to tell my boyfriend that I liked someone else better. But we had only been together for a few days, which in itself sounded very pathetic. No matter how much I did not want to hurt Seth, I had to tell him. I just had to. I could not keep these feelings secret for him; they were starting to eat away at me. I needed to tell someone about it, but it would not be Seth, I decided.

At around six, the bell above the door jingled and the familiar smiling face of Seth entered the bookstore. "Hey," he said and leaned in to kiss me on my lips, but I turned my head slightly so he kissed me on the cheek instead. He frowned a little but seemed to shrug it off.

"Hi," I replied. "Let me close up and then I wanted to take you to Central Park."

"OK," Seth said with obvious excitement. It pained me already to tell him, and I had not even said it yet. I was beginning to dread the conversation I would be having with him at the park.

The cab ride was silent. Seth kept glancing at me, but I refused to meet his brown eyes. I never should have agreed to be his boyfriend, damn it. I should have just wallowed in my feelings for Draco on my own and I should have told Seth that I liked him better as a friend. But now it was too late already; Seth was my boyfriend and he would get hurt more now. I felt so anxious that I felt sick to my stomach. I felt my stomach churning and twisting inside my body.

"Harry, are you OK?" Seth asked and tentatively touched my shoulder.

I simply nodded and looked out of the car window. I saw houses and trees go by in a blur until we finally arrived at Central Park. It was a big park, fortunately, because this conversation could take a while, I figured. I took Seth's hand and led him into the park, not caring that he seemed confused. "We need to talk, Seth," I muttered to the sandy path.

"I think I have a clue what this is about," Seth said.

"You do?" I looked up at him, anxious and nervous. Perhaps it was not a good idea to be having this conversation at the park. At once, things that my father had told me resurfaced to the front of my mind and it only became worse when I saw that we were about the only ones who were at the park. How stupid. If Seth grew angry with me, he could do whatever he wanted and no one would notice. Good Lord, when have I gotten so dumb?

Seth nodded, oblivious to my thoughts and looked at the path in front of him. "I know you have feelings for him and it's unfair of me to ask you to forget about the guy so I can stay with you, but that's not the way it works, I know that."

"But … how did you know? Am I that transparent?" I asked.

Seth snorted. "You're not transparent, Harry. I just noticed that you acted differently around Draco. So you do have feelings for him?"

"I wish I did not, Seth, I honestly do. I had hoped that it would go away so I could be with you, but … It has only gotten worse and I do not know what to do about it," I said and cleared my throat because I felt my throat close up. "I do not want to hurt you, Seth. That has never been my intention, but these feelings will not go away."

"Calm down, Harry," he said and wrapped an arm around me. He led me to one of the park's benches and we sat down. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and I'll get over it after some time. It's not fair to you either to stay with me when you like someone else better."

"It is not only that," I murmured and looked into his eyes. "I want us to be friends. Or at least something like that. I want to keep spending time with you because I like you. I feel safe with you and I would regret it if we did not speak to each other anymore."

"Harry, I don't know if being friends is such a good idea."

I nodded at my lap. Well of course he would not want to be friends with me. I had just stabbed him through his heart, what else did I expect? I had just lost a great friend for someone who would laugh square in my face if I told him how much I liked him; even though he knew that I was attracted to him at some level. He just did not know how much I felt for him. I felt Seth's arm leave my shoulders and I felt a lot colder all of a sudden. I felt like I was the one being rejected. "I am sorry, Seth." I heard Seth sigh and I got up. I left the park and walked all the way back to the apartment building.

Back at the apartment, I found Hermione and Draco having a late dinner. I really was not up for another round of 'let's pretend we all like Harry', so I quickly made myself some dinner (four sandwiches and I could not remember what I had put on them) and I left for my bedroom. Since it was spring, it took longer for the sun to set, so it stayed light a little bit longer. I looked out of the window and looked down on the stores and people. I could easily spot a few couples who were holding hands, gay couples and straight couples alike. It seemed that finding happiness was not on my path to finding myself. It seemed that in order to find myself, I hurt people. But I hurt people when I denied who I was too; I hurt my parents because I was not who they wanted me to be, and I hurt myself because I pretended to be something that I was not. But now that I am free to be who I am, I am still hurting people. Seth for example. My chest constricted because I had hurt him. And now what? I just ended a relationship that lasted only three days or something. I was just pathetic.

I chewed on my sandwiches, managed to swallow everything down and flopped down on my bed. I could probably never look into Seth's eyes again and there was no way that I could go to that Chinese restaurant and face Seth's mother, knowing that I hurt him. He would probably tell his parents and they would forbid me to enter the restaurant, I bet. Well, it was best that I would not show my face there anyway.

Seeing Draco at our apartment, it made me think of what I had daydreamed about at the shop. Usually I would daydream about something sexual, or him feeding me fruits instead of marshmallows, but this daydream seemed strange to have. Or perhaps I was not having a one track mind today. Yes, that was probably it. I snorted and took out my book on Japan and continued reading. I half expected Seth's mother, or father, to call me and yell profanities at me, telling me how much I had hurt her son and that I should drop dead or something, but my phone did not ring. The only ones who had my cell phone number were Seth, my parents and a friend or two who lived back in Virginia. I had about six phone numbers in total. That sounded pretty pathetic too. I bet Draco and Hermione knew everyone in Chelsea. They probably had been popular back in school, whereas I got bullied because of my glasses and I had always been the weird kid in class. I am glad that I left high school behind me. My parents wanted me to go to college, but I did not want to. I wanted to be on my own and now that I am, I realize just how alone I actually am. Back in Virginia I was always surrounded by people I knew, but here, up north, I was alone in my bedroom in a world that I was afraid of entering.

Eventually I fell asleep. I think today's events kind of wore me out. I dreamed my regular dreams; the dreams of Draco at the bookstore this time. I dreamed that we had not been interrupted by that lady and that he had kissed me. I dreamed that he lifted me onto the counter, intending to have me and his lips and hands were everywhere. My body felt hot, it responded so fiercely to that man's touch that I knew that anything he did could set me off and could take me into heaven. My legs got spread and I did not even felt afraid of what Draco could see there. And then he was inside me. I threw my head back and a long string of moans and other sounds that I had never made escaped my mouth. Then Seth walked into the store, but I did not even notice him. Draco did notice him; he smirked and gripped my legs and pushed his erection inside me with more force.

Then I woke up. It was around twelve thirty in the morning, I saw and my body was hot and sweaty from the dream I had. My penis was still hard, but I knew that I had an orgasm while dreaming of getting pounded into. I bit off a moan and threw the covers off my body. I heard the faint sound of the television from the living area and I heard Draco's murmuring voice and I had to bite off another moan. The dream felt so real, I could still feel those hands and those lips on my body. I could still feel Draco's penis inside me, moving in me. Oh, Lord … I cleaned myself up with a wet cloth and hissed softly when the cold cloth touched my still hard penis. I looked down at the red and purple thing that bobbed up and down every time I moved. I touched the head with the tip of my finger and bit my lower lip at how sensitive that single touch was. I shook myself out of the cloud of lust that my head was caught in and put the cloth away. I pulled up my pajama pants and went back into my bedroom. I felt the strong urge to join Hermione and Draco on the sofa, but I could not do that while my penis was still hard and visible through my thin pants.

I waited for about twenty minutes before I was sure that my penis was not hard anymore and that it would not show a lot. I still heard the television, I heard Draco and Hermione laugh very quietly and it appeared that they were watching some strange cartoon together. I took a glass from the cupboard, filled it with water and glanced at the two of them. They had not appeared to hear me. I waited for them to notice me and to invite me in watching with them. But they did not. I gulped down my glass of water and filled the glass again. Then Hermione turned her head and spotted me.

"Harry," she said. "Sorry, did the noise wake you up?"

"Er, no, it did not. I just wanted to get something to drink," I said and took another sip of water. "What are you watching?"

"South Park," Hermione said.

"Oh." I wondered what in heaven's name South Park was, but since I was not asked if I wanted to watch also I put my glass on the kitchen counter and returned to my bedroom. Why did it hurt? I admit I had never been popular or anything, but my friends always asked me to hang out and try not to get caught playing a game that our parents disapproved of. Then I realized that I had no friends here. Not anymore at least. They thought me some strange Christian fellow from Virginia and they probably did not know how to act around me since I was raised rather conservatively. I was not able to fall asleep again, so I turned on the light and grabbed a random book. I do not even remember the title of this book. What the hell was I doing in New York anyway? These people were too different from me and they did not like me that much was obvious. I was tempted to go back to Virginia and lead the life that I previously led there, but I knew that I could not. Not anymore. Not when I knew what feeling free felt like. Perhaps I should become more like New Yorkers to fit in. I admit I am still a bit of a stiff person, despite the fact that I am more out-going now, according to me at least. Other people probably did not see it that way.

I gave up on reading because I could not read one word of the page that I stared at. I glanced at my journal and decided that I needed to write down the things that I could not say to anyone.

Date: July eight, 2010,

It is currently about a quarter past one in the morning. I woke up from a very sexual and very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was working at the bookstore and Draco came and he kissed me. Then he lifted me up on the counter, and somehow we both ended up naked and he was inside me. In my dream the bell above the door jingled and Seth came in. I did not notice Seth; I was too busy moaning and groaning. I woke up after that. My penis was still hard and I still felt sweaty. Draco and Hermione were watching a cartoon together and I kind of want to join them, but neither one of them had asked me so I returned to my bedroom.

I told Seth today that I had feelings for Draco.

I just could not keep my mouth shut anymore. It was not fair to Seth and I hope he will be friends with me again sometime in the future. He said that he was not sure if being friends again was such a good idea. I understand why not though; I would find it difficult to be friends with someone that I liked as something more than a friend. It is a pity, because I did like Seth a lot, just not like that.

What am I supposed to do about Draco? He already knows that I am attracted to him, a few weeks ago he did know at least, when he caught me having an orgasm during cutting―how embarrassing that entire situation was. I am sure that Draco does not know the extent of my feelings for him, and it pains me to say that they have only gotten stronger since I met him for the first time. I always have dreams about him, sexual or otherwise, and he is always on my mind. I had hoped that it was just a silly, shallow crush, but it turned out not to go away. I am troubled and I feel guilty for hurting Seth. I lost a very good friend and someone who is important to me for nothing. For absolutely nothing. Whatever these feelings are precisely, I do not know for sure, but I do know that I cannot do anything with it. Draco barely tolerates me as a friend, so I can kiss that goodbye immediately. I see the way he looks at me sometimes; his face would be set in a deep, stern frown which makes him look quite dangerous. I feel nervous whenever he looks at me like that. It is like he knows something that I do not.

If I would tell Draco how much I liked him, I am sure that he will laugh at me. I am also sure that Draco hears that from a lot of people. Why would it be any different if it came from me? I am basically still a boy; Draco is a man, a real man. A man any father can be proud of. I would imagine that Draco's father is proud of his son. My father will never be proud of me. He will only be proud when I come home with a woman, and that will never happen.

What kind of men was Draco interested in? I had only heard about this Blaise guy once or twice, and I imagined Blaise to be very handsome. He just had to be. Draco would not date an ugly person. I am not saying that I am the monster of Loch Ness―well; I do feel that way next to Draco―but I am not handsome either. I am kind of average, I think, or perhaps a bit below average. I never got a lot of attention from the girls, so perhaps a bit further below average. The only features that I like about myself are my eyes. Everything else is not worth mentioning. I have got dark, almost black hair which is quite unmanageable so it is always sticking up all over the place. I thought about getting it cut short, but I do not think that that would suit me, so I keep it a little bit longer. Those scars are horrifying and anyone would agree with me and write me off if they saw them and my body … well … let's just not talk about that. I could not imagine anyone finding me desirable, so I wondered quite a bit why Seth did.

And Draco would not date me if the fate of mankind depended on it. He would probably choose wiping out mankind over dating me. A few people have already looked at me with a disgusted expression on their faces when I walked down the street to get a loaf of bread at the baker's. I had looked down at myself to check if I looked appropriate enough and wondered what those people were disgusted about. I never fail to remind myself how transparent I am, so I figured that those were probably just some homophobes with no life.

Perhaps I should just deal with my feelings on my own without dragging anyone down with me (a boyfriend for example). I should have done that much earlier, then perhaps I would still have Seth as a friend. Perhaps Seth could have helped me get over Draco, although I do not see that happening anytime soon. There is just something about that man that I cannot put into words. Every time I see him, my heart skips a beat, my chest tightens and I feel butterflies in my belly. I know what that feeling is and I also know that I like that man a lot, very much actually. I just thought that it was a shallow crush because at first it were his looks that caught my attention, but the more I got to know him and the more time I spent with him, the more I began to like him on a deeper level. And now that I have finally embraced who I am, I have allowed myself to have the dreams that I would harm myself for a few weeks ago.

I do not harm myself like I used to anymore. Now that I have accepted who I am, I do not feel the need to harm this body anymore. Still I feel that urge to do it once or twice, but somehow I wonder what Draco would think of that, and I do not harm myself. I wonder what Draco thinks of me? It is silly that that man is such a big factor in my life, even if he does not know it. Sometimes I would like to ask Draco's opinion on something or ask for his advice, but I do not know what he will think of that. He would probably think me an idiot or something.

I can still hear the television and I can still hear Hermione and Draco laughing quietly. I wanted to make Draco laugh. I wanted to see him smile because he has such a beautiful smile. He never smiles in my presence.

I put my pen away and closed the journal. I think that this is the longest entry that I have ever written in this journal, nevertheless, I wrote down everything that was bothering me. I realized how insecure I sounded, but I suppose I was a bit insecure having led the life I had up until I moved to Manhattan. I know my mom had always felt insecure, so maybe it is a genetic thing. I did inherit a lot of her traits, and perhaps insecurity is one of them. I remember always wondering what my friends thought of me, if they knew that I was not like them. Being raised this way screwed with my mind a lot and not for the first time I wished that I had not been raised as a Christian.