"There we go, angels," said Harley, tucking her children into bed later that night. "You've had a very busy, long day, but you're safe and sound in bed now."
"Daddy in bed?" asked Arleen.
"Yeah, I'm sure he is at Arkham," said Harley, nodding. "They have curfew there."
"No Daddy story tonight," said J.J., gloomily.
"No," agreed Harley. "But I'm sure he'll tell you lots of stories when he gets back to make up for it."
The twins shared a look. "Mommy, we have question," said J.J.
"What is it?" asked Harley.
"Daddy gone…because us?" asked Arleen, slowly.
"Oh…no, babies," said Harley, gently. "No, Daddy's gone because…it was the only way to keep you safe. See, he was meant to look after you while Mommy was away, but he didn't, and you got put in danger…"
"Why danger?" asked J.J.
"It's hard to explain," said Harley. "But it's dangerous for kids your age to be out alone. Which is why you always need Mommy or Daddy to be with you. Daddy wasn't with you when you went out…"
"Not Daddy fault!" exclaimed Arleen.
"Our fault," said J.J., nodding. "We went outside. Daddy busy, told us to watch shank."
"Watch shank?" repeated Harley, frowning. "What does that mean?"
"Shank," repeated J.J., mimicking stabbing. "Daddy shank snitch."
"Did he? Well, Rocco didn't tell me that," sighed Harley.
"We like shank, but Daddy take long time, and get boring," continued J.J.
"We go see Bug and Roo," said Arleen. "Outside. Then see light…"
"Follow light to food," said J.J. "Not danger."
"Babies, I know it didn't seem like it, but you were in danger," said Harley. "And Daddy was meant to pay attention to you at all times, not be distracted by shanking someone."
"Not Daddy fault," repeated Arleen, firmly.
"We run away," agreed J.J., nodding.
"We punish instead?" asked Arleen.
"And bring Daddy home?" asked J.J., hopefully.
"Oh…I wish it was that simple, babies," said Harley. "But…Daddy can't come home right now. He's not being punished, he…well, I guess he is sorta being punished," she agreed. "But it's the right thing to do..."
"Not right!" exclaimed J.J. "We bad, so we punish!"
"We do wrong, so punish right," agreed Arleen, nodding.
"Daddy no wrong, so no punish," said J.J. "Please, Mommy."
"Babies, there's really nothing I can do about this right now," said Harley. "But believe me, your Daddy will be outta Arkham as soon as possible. There's no way he'd leave you two for very long. He's crazy about you," she said, ruffling their hair. She kissed them both. "Now go to sleep, and when you wake up, it'll be one day closer to Daddy being home."
"Sleep with Mommy?" asked Arleen, hopefully.
Harley sighed. "Well, why not?" she said. "We'll get Bud and Lou inside too, and we can all cuddle together."
"No Daddy," said J.J., sadly.
"No, no Daddy, so we'll have to cuddle extra close to make up for it," said Harley, letting the hyenas inside. She climbed into bed with the twins, and the hyenas bounded up after them, curling up against them. It was a while before they dropped off to sleep though – the twins started crying again.
Harley awoke a few hours later to movement from the living room. Terrified that Batman had somehow found them, she hastened to climb out of bed, careful not to wake the twins or the hyenas, grabbed her hammer, and headed for the door.
She flicked the lights on in the living room, hammer raised, to see the Joker, battered and bruised, and making up a bed on the couch.
She stared at him in astonishment. "What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I live here," he retorted. "Or at least, I used to. Not sure if I'm welcome back anymore – I'm certainly not welcome back in my own bed. There's no space."
"I thought…Batman would have taken you back to Arkham," stammered Harley.
"He tried," agreed Joker. "Got the bruises to show for it. But Selina appeared and managed to subdue Bats – when I left, she had tied him up with her whip and was talking at him about their relationship, so somehow I think he ended up worse off than me. I also owe Selina one now, so I promised her no more pussy jokes. I lied, obviously," he added, shrugging. "But she said as much as she hated me, the kids loved me, and she didn't want them to be upset by being separated from me. Plus she didn't want the Bat to deprive you of my beating, which is rightfully yours. Girl power, and all that," he sighed.
He sat down on the sofa and spread his arms. "So, let's have it, then," he sighed. "You already got the hammer raised."
Harley put it down slowly. "You deserve worse than a beating," she muttered. "You almost lost our kiddies forever…"
"If you think that's what I wanted to happen, then you're an idiot!" he snapped. "You know how I feel about the kiddies! I'd rather die than have anything happen to 'em! It wasn't malicious – I just didn't think they could get out!"
"That's not the point!" snapped Harley. "The point is you were meant to be watching them, and spending time with them, not focusing on your work! You were meant to put them first, before shanking a snitch…"
"They enjoyed watching the shanking!" protested Joker.
"Again, not the point!" snapped Harley. "The point is you didn't give your children your undivided attention, and because of that, they were almost lost to us! I give them my undivided attention every second of every day, and the one time I ask you to share that burden with me, you can't even be bothered! You have so little respect for the things I do to protect our family that you shrug it off, and look what happened! Do you think I was born being vigilant like this? I had to work hard, to make sacrifices, to put my personal feelings second for our family! And you can't even do that for one day! It may not be your intention, but it broadcasts pretty loud and clear to everyone that your family is nothing compared to your own self-obsession! Don't you get that, you selfish clown?!"
Joker said nothing, but grunted at last. "I don't get things that aren't jokes," he muttered.
"Well, I don't think what happened tonight is a joke," retorted Harley. "And I don't think your family is either."
"Yeah, they are," said Joker, nodding. "That's…something I didn't really see before. But it is a joke, a guy like me, an insane, murdering psychopath, with a loving family. A guy like me, who's killed thousands of people for fun, whose idea of fun is torturing a snitch, having kids who just adore him, and adore his violence, and adore his whole monstrous self. A guy like me shouldn't have a family – it doesn't make any sense that any woman would trust him enough to have kids with him. But you did. And the Joker, as a father…well, that does sound like a horrible joke. Batman certainly thinks it is. The rest of the world probably does too. So I should start treating it that way. As serious and as important to me as all my jokes are. As you are," he said, nodding at her. "I need to start making it a priority, like my jokes are to me. Because it's really the best joke I've ever heard. A guy like me, a supervillain, a pathological liar and trickster, who lives only to make people smile beautiful death grins…and a family guy. That's a great punchline if ever I heard one."
He smiled at her. "Speaking of punchlines, you better get to it."
"Oh no," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Nice try, but I'm not beating you. I know how that's gonna go. I hit you, you hit me, and before you know it, we're tearing each other's clothes off. And I'm not ready for the makeup sex part of our fight yet. Our bed is occupied, for one thing."
"We have the couch," pointed out Joker.
Harley shook her head. "Maybe I'll beat the crap outta you tomorrow," she muttered. "For now, come to bed. You'll just have to squeeze in."
"I'm kinda all bloodied up," he said.
"The kiddies won't care," retorted Harley. "They're just gonna be overjoyed to see you. They begged me earlier to punish them instead of you, since they were the ones who did wrong by running off. They said it was all their fault."
"That's true, from a certain point of view," agreed Joker. "But not the right point of view," he added, hastily, as Harley glared at him.
"Try not to wake them," she whispered, as they headed into the bedroom.
"At least get the mutts off the bed," said Joker. "Beds are for people, not animals," he muttered, trying to push the hyenas onto the floor.
Bud and Lou instantly awoke and snapped at him. "Oh, now you're being guard dogs, huh?" he demanded.
"Mmm…Daddy?" asked Arleen, sleepily, opening her eyes. She saw Joker and instantly sat up, squealing in excitement. "Daddy!" she exclaimed.
"Daddy?" repeated J.J., opening his eyes and sitting up. "Daddy home!" he cried, launching himself into his arms, along with his sister.
"All right, don't get so excited, it's way past your bedtime!" snapped Harley. "We can celebrate Daddy being home in the morning, but we're all going to sleep now!"
The twins tried to calm down as they held onto their father as if for dear life. "Thank you for no punish Daddy, Mommy," whispered J.J.
"Oh, he's getting a punishment," replied Harley. "And he'll like it too," she added, smiling at Joker.
He smiled back and kissed her tenderly. "We are one dysfunctional family, you know that?" he asked her.
"Uh huh. Wouldn't have it any other way, puddin'," she said, yawning and curling up against him and the twins. Despite the tight squeeze, they were all asleep in moments.