I throw myself upon your mercy, dear readers! I am so sorry for the late update. It was finals time. Usually, I'm not too worried, but this semester, I have 3 finals all on the same day...yay for me. Anyways, I've been living medieval for the past 10 days-literally. I shut off my phone and had my sister hide my computer so I can study. Also, sorry for this chapter. It's as raw as steak tartare-no re-reading and no editing.

Chapter 9

I can't get that last statement out of my head.

I hope Paul can melt whatever ice you made around your heart.

Ice.

I'm not ice…am I? I'm just…practical.

So practical that you said you couldn't pencil in falling in love

That's not what I meant—I think. No, that's not what I meant.

"Darling? Dinner's heated up. If you don't hurry, Pappy's going to hoard all the chicken," Mom said through the door.

I opened the door to Mom's smiling face on the other side. Her smile faltered when she saw my expression.

"Uh oh," she said. "Should I tell Pappy to leave the chicken and bring his calculator or is it something in my area of expertise?"

"Leave Pappy with his chicken."

Mom sat down on swivel chair. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Am I ice?" I asked without preamble.

"Ice as in cold-hearted? Of course not, what makes you think that?"

"Someone just said I had ice around my heart," I told her, relieved. Two things Mom can't do: cook and lie.

Mom winced. "You're not cold-hearted, darling…"

"But….?"

"Honey, the past couple of months changed all of us," Mom patted my hand. "You've just been more distant. Not to us of course, but you don't socialize as much anymore. You always take Tempest's invite for vacations."

"I don't like the alps," I grumbled.

"Watching you, you seem like you're just observing the world through a microscope, intent but aloof."

"I don't—I socialize! I—don't like alps!" I sputtered. "Mom! You're suppose to be on my side!"

"I'm always on your side, honey," Mom soothed. "I'm telling you this because I love you. You're not cold-hearted, you never could be. But now, it's like you don't want to bring anyone into your life. Jonathan said you'll warm up on your own but…I'm just glad you realize it yourself." She looked sadly at me, guilt evident. "Maybe it's a good thing someone else noticed. We never realize whats wrong with ourselves, after all."

"Yea," I added lamely. "You're not the one they call ice."

"Then prove them wrong."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. He's gone from our lives. Pappy and I are moving on, so should you or he's won. Have fun; live your life! Have sex!"

I almost choked on my own spit. "Mom!"

"What?" she asked innocently.

"I'm never telling you anything again!" I scrambled off the bed heading for the door.

"Darling, it's only human nature!" she laughed, following me downstairs.

Pappy looked up from his Times. "What's human nature?"

"Nothing, darling," Mom answered quickly. It's one thing to talk sex with your mom, it's another to tell your father you had sex or were even thinking about it. That's why to this day, Pappy still thinks I'm the prude from his flesh. Mom looked at me pointedly. "Have fun, Ava."

Fun. Does that include jumping headfirst into an alternate Wonderland?

I have a feeling I'd find out even if I didn't want to.
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I never seem to learn.

He stared back, toffee eyes never leaving my form.

We were standing awkwardly outside Emily's house after that talk. It started with one simple phone call; ONE! Then I was invited over and the Quileute men seem to be there all the time; Paul included.

He leaned his back against the tree, shoeless. He seemed so comfortable out in the open. Nothing seems to phase him yet he still seems aware of his surroundings. Not surprising since he turns into a ginormous predator at will.

I miss the days when I thought I only saw Fenrisulfr.

"What is that?" Paul suddenly spoke, his voice echoing in the silence.

"Huh?" Smart, right?

"Fen-fenner-something. You called me that in the library too." He waited for my answer, actually interested in my response. Most people tend to tune me out when I start spouting trivia but Paul actually heard and remembered my embarrassing regurgitation of facts.

"Fenrisulfr. He was the Great Wolf in Norse Mythology," I told him. "He was prophesied to kill Odin, the king of the Norse Pantheon until they tricked him and locked him up."

"Why did you call me that?"

I looked at his feet; they were bare. "When I first saw the wolf, that was the first thing that came to mind. Your eyes were the same color as the wolf I ran into with my car…which I guess was you anyways," I shrugged. I started, looking into the face. "Oh my God, I hit you with my car! Are you ok?"

His eyes turned amused and his lips curled into a small smile. "Not a scratch." I sighed in relief. I don't need his broken ribs on my conscience. "You looked beautiful that night."

"Um…it was raining," I stated at a loss for words.

"Yea."

I tried to look anywhere but at him, my cheeks feel heated. It's weird being complimented on something I don't have. I mean, I know I'm smart; I'm pragmatic and practical; I'm good in crisis—ok, other people's crisis—but I've never seen myself as beautiful. Cute, maybe, but beautiful? No. Especially not by a guy like him. A guy to looks like the kouros statues, a representation of the ideal youth. I couldn't help sneaking a glance, only to meet his gaze again.

"So," I cleared my throat. "I took my pills and we could discuss our situation, whatever it is."

He stepped forward from his lax position leaning against a tree. It's easily seen that Paul was a big man, broad shouldered and barrel-chested. The sudden movement just reinforced my awareness to how big he was and how small I am compared to him; how weak. A frown marred his features and his jaw was tight, but his eyes were only concerned.

"The pills. What are you taking?"

"Librium, for anxiety."

"Did I—," he swallowed hard. "Did you get that after you found out?" I only nodded slowly. His face crumbled in sadness before it darkened and he looked away.

"It's not your fault, really," I added. Something in me wanted, no needed, to comfort him; to see that look wiped from his face forever. Something in me wanted him to smile. Reaching out, I tilted his head so I could meet his eyes. "The doctor said it was all the stresses I've been through lately, not just you and this whatever-this-is."

His hand came up to cover mine. My hand warmed instantly between his skin. He stared down at me. Looking into his eyes, I never felt so small, so frail, so completely…protected. We stayed that way for I don't know how long, but he never tired of looking at me and I didn't pull away. I just…couldn't pull away.

"You're my imprint, Ava," his jaw moved under my hand. "Wherever, whenever, whatever; I'll be there. I can't not be."

"I—I don't know how this is suppose to go," I told him truthfully. I owe him that much. "You're an unknown factor suddenly thrown into my life. You're so different that I don't know how I'm suppose to go about this."

His hand tightened. "Give me a chance," his eyes pleaded even though his voice was even. "I just need you to believe I won't fuck this up."

Faith. Can I have faith in him? Looking into his eyes, I couldn't tell him that I see a life of chains. If I give in to this madness, I'll be stuck with him till the day one of us dies. I had plans and in his depths I see them going up in flames. How can you hurt someone that looked at you like you're his goddamn dream come true? How do you tell him that you shudder at the words 'house' and 'wife'?

"Can we just be friends?" I suddenly blurted out.

He blinked slowly, as if gathering his thoughts. "Friends?" he said in disbelief.

"Friends. Buddies. Amigos. Homeboy. Dawg. Homie-G's," I elaborated. "We'll just get to know each other. Friends?"

"If that's what you want," he finally grumbled. "Friends."

"Great!" I beamed up at him, ignoring the nagging feeling that this will blow up in my face soon. For now, crisis averted. "Let's go back in." I turned to head back toward the house, feeling him fall into step beside me.

"Friends," he tested the word. "With benefits?"

I froze, looking at him to see if he was serious. His face was unchanged but there was a slight quirk of the corner of his lips and I relaxed. "The only benefit you'll be getting is from my superior brain, my friend."