Shades of Gray

Note: So, the official search for a beta has ended… I now have—apparently—two volunteer readers. MSW-sama (MysticShadowWanderer) and gure have volunteered to be my betas, and I would like to give them a happy welcome and huge thanks for offering to help me! This chapter is coming out much, much faster than previous, mostly because I have time and inspiration to write again… Though, my room is FREEZING because the air conditioning is on… My room must be around 60 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm sitting here in my pajamas, a robe, and my woolen coat, and I'm still freezing. But, alas, I'm writing this chapter for all of you now, in hopes that I can get this up soon.

Chapter Ten- Far Away

Kaoru hadn't said much as we settled into the room that would soon be hers, once I left. Never once mentioning the kiss and how she had stepped—silently stunned—away from me as I retreated, she grabbed some toiletries and a towel and stepped out to take a long bath. I peered out the window and then slid down the wall. All I really wanted was a short nap; I hadn't gotten any sleep since I'd fallen asleep after the encounter with Iizuka in the bar. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a nervous half-sleep.

Roughly an hour later, the door slid open, and I was vaguely aware in my sleepy stupor that she was crossing the room, picking up her cat, and settling on a futon. After that, I finally fell into real sleep for another short hour and a half.

When I woke, the room was dimming, and the afternoon was dying. Kaoru was asleep on the futon, and the cat was curled next to her in a tight little ball. I smiled, then looked away to preserve her modesty; the light robe she'd put on after her bath had slid dangerously low on her shoulder. I rummaged through my small bag and pulled out a fresh set of clothing, which didn't take long to change into once I'd left the room for a small bathroom just down the hall.

A quick glance into the mirror revealed that the sleep had done some to diminish my unhappy appearance, though when I looked closer, my whole surface seemed stretched thin by the stress. I raised an arm to my forehead and leaned with it against the doorframe. I was very, very tired. I was also very, very worried about Kaoru. I feared for what may happen when I left, and if she would truly be safe with the Oniwabanshu. I had no doubt that they would protect her with all of their might…

But would that be enough? My mind pestered me insistently. Kaoru meant so much to me, since I had ruined everything for her. I wouldn't let her die over my foolish selfishness… and I needed her to survive, because…

Because she's saving me… And I want to save her just the same. I turned and splashed a little water on my face to rejuvenate me and make me look less exhausted. I had to be strong if I intended on saving her. I returned to the room to find that she had woken, dressed, and was preparing to go to the dining room for dinner with the inhabitants of the Aoiya. Smiling for her, I followed down the stairs.

The small, private dining room was bustling with livelihood and noise when we entered quietly. Misao seemed to be the source of a good deal of the noise, but it didn't seem to bother any of the other inhabitants of the room, but as we entered, she looked curiously at Kaoru and started whispering to Omasu. Kaoru kneeled on a cushion and accepted a bowl from Okon. Okina smiled to her.

"Well, Kaoru-san… Are you feeling any better?"

She nodded, not quite meeting my eyes as I took a bowl from beside her. "Quite, thank you."

Omasu and Misao stopped whispering to one another and Misao smiled brightly to Kaoru. "Kaoru-san, have you thought of what you'd like to look like?"

Kaoru blinked. "What?"

"Your disguise," I clarified for her. "They want to know if you've decided what you'd like to change… How you want to look."

She stared at her food. "I don't know… What… Whatever you like, so long as you ask me first."

Omasu smiled. "Well, then… Kaoru-san… I'm asking your permission to cut and dye your hair…" Kaoru's eyes widened and her head shot up at this statement, before Omasu's hand reached for hers to calm her. "Nothing dramatic, just a subtle change that could help you… blend."

Kaoru's hand reached up to touch her long hair. "I…I don't know…"

Misao smiled gently. "No offense meant, but your hair could be a darker black… Sort of an inky, blue-black, you know?" She bit her lip, staring at Kaoru's hair. "And, Kaoru-san… If you'll let us… I'd like to cut your hair short."

Kaoru cried out, both hands flying to her hair. "No!" My hand reached for hers, but she didn't seem to object to the touch. "Kenshin, I won't do it!"

Okina raised his eyebrows in mild curiosity, for she had called out for me and everyone had heard. Certainly, I was the only one she knew for more than a few hours, but after betraying her, she should have offered more regard to strangers. Omasu smiled, immediately removing the tension in the room.

"Kaoru-san… I promised it will be nothing dramatic. I also promise that you will love it." Omasu exchanged a glance with Misao. "I also promise that it won't be too terribly short." She touched Kaoru's arm, no more than two inches down her back. "No shorter than that, you have my word."

Kaoru nodded, and turned to look into my eyes for the first time since I'd kissed her that afternoon. I smiled for her.

"It will be okay, Kaoru. I will do everything I can to make it okay." I assured her, and I felt her relax next to me. She smiled to the other women and they began to chat lightly about things they could do to change her appearance.

Aoshi looked at me pointedly. "I've asked Yukishiro-san to come tonight after the meal to discuss… plans with you. He has agreed, despite your past… circumstances to work with you. To help you."

I nodded. "Thank you, Shinomori-san. I am in your debt. I cannot thank you enough."

He scoffed. "You have done enough for me. There is no debt to repay now." I immediately understood that he meant that his was no longer existent. I did not mind.

After the meal, everyone left quickly, sensing that Kaoru and I needed a moment. Before Kaoru left for another part of the house for her makeover, however, she touched my arm and smiled for me. I imagined that she had spent plenty of time thinking about what I had done earlier. Apparently, she could meet my eyes again.

"Kaoru… I want you to know that I truly am sorry. I will never be able to apologize to you for everything… I don't think I can ever make it up to you." I bowed my head and stood, offering my hand to help her up. She took it and I pulled her to her feet.

"Kenshin…" She blushed and stared at the floor. "Maybe things will be different for me, and maybe I'm in danger because of you… But I'm going to be okay. I'm strong, and…" She looked up to me again. "And I think I trust these people. I'm sorry for what I said this morning." She took my hand and squeezed it gently. "I trust you, Kenshin. I trust you with my life, and everything. And even if you put me in all this danger… even if you destroyed the life I had before this… Even then, I'm still happy I met you. I'm still happy I know you, and I trust you and I was happy this afternoon when you… you…"

I couldn't help but stare at the ground, remembering how I'd kissed her.

"When you did this…" She murmured, leaning toward me and pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "If that's how you wanted to apologize to me, then…" Her voice ceased to be quite so meek, and grew stronger. "Then I don't mind. I don't know if I'll see you again after you leave… I don't want to remember you as someone who ruined my old life. I'd rather remember you as someone who gave me my new life."

I was suddenly shaking. "K-Kaoru." She couldn't know how close she was getting to the thoughts I'd been having before I kissed her… could she?

Her smile was as kind as I remembered it in Tokyo, before everything had fallen down. She had amazing adaptability; even as everything was torn apart, she held a firm, untainted smile on her lips and put her whole heart into everything.

I had never met anyone so beautiful since…

"Himura-san!" I jumped at the familiar voice, though it was certainly the first time I'd heard it offering a kind tone to my name. Kaoru stepped away from me out of modesty and bowed to the new-comer.

"I'll see you later…" She whispered, and left the room.

"Yukishiro-san… Thank you for coming." Enishi brushed off the remark and took off his sport coat and dropped it next to the cushion he chose to kneel on.

"I…" He gave a loud, true laugh, something I had never heard from him before. "I made a promise, didn't I?"

"You're leaving Kyoto, aren't you?" Enishi stared at me over the gaping hole that was Tomoe's grave, looking for answers in my tormented eyes. The coffin was already laid neatly at the bottom, the great arrangement of irises already taken from the top and carried away in pieces by everyone who would miss her; everyone else, who had already left the ceremony.

In my hand, I held nothing but a pair of golden bands that held no meaning to anyone but myself. This place held no meaning to me, either. "Yes. I'm leaving." I managed stiffly. Enishi and I had never gotten along.

"You know…" His brown eyes rose, looking away from the coffin. A butterfly had landed there, moving its wings up and down in a slow, rhythmic motion. "I don't think… Tomoe… ever liked it when we fought."

I nodded for civility's sake. "I don't imagine she did, either." There was a long history of bad blood between the two of us.

"Himura-san..." Enishi gazed at the butterfly; inside his eyes, I could see the heartache he endured from his sister's death. "I want to bury this."

I knew he wasn't talking about his sister. "So do I."

"So, if you ever get away from the madness you've created for yourself… If you ever do, and if you ever need help with anything… I swear, over my sister's grave, that I'll do what I can to help you. For her sake… I want to bury this."

I nodded, and I picked up a shovel. "Let's bury this." He picked up the other shovel, and together we buried Himura Tomoe.

"That was five years ago, Yukishiro-san." I kneeled again, facing him.

"I keep to my work, Himura-san. So did you. I just thought you'd have gotten away from those yakuza bastards a long time ago, for her sake. She hated it, you know."

"It killed her." I forced, my hand shaking. "But I left…"

Enishi laughed heartily. "And that girl… I think she's the cause of it, isn't she?"

"I couldn't let her die. I had to save her… I was in a bad way in Tokyo after she died. I didn't leave, because I just couldn't bring myself to… I was lost in that evil… That girl you saw, Kaoru, was the only light I've seen since Tomoe's went out."

"I'm going to help you, Himura-san. And I'll help her if I ever can, until you come back."

"I'm not sure I'll survive, Enishi." I admitted, and it was true. My greatest fear was that I wouldn't survive long enough to get Katsura-san off of me, or to turn the entire group in… What would that spell for me?

"Well, that's what I'm here for, Kenshin." My name sounded strange rolling off his tongue. He'd never said it to me before. "I'm going to make sure you survive. Now… Let's talk about this plan of yours."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Originally, I planned on going back to Tokyo—"

"Out of the question." Enishi interjected.

I pushed on. "Going back to Tokyo, and having everything of mine shipped to Hokkaido… To my foster parents. And then… I'd go back for it eventually, but only after I… I don't know, after that." I finally finished lamely.

Enishi shook his head. "They'd track it to your parents… I don't care how strong that man is… They'd kill both of them."

I stared at my hands. "I… I thought that if I didn't think too hard about that, it couldn't happen."

"It's a very real possibility, Kenshin."

"Then what do I do, Enishi?" I asked him, feeling trapped by my own mistakes. "I can't stay here… Not only because it would bring Shishio Makoto's wrath upon the Oniwabanshu, or because it would reveal Kaoru… But because Aoshi will not allow it. I don't blame him."

Enishi scoffed. "Shishio is trying to form his own army to overthrow Katsura-san… Soon they won't have to worry about you… They'll be too wrapped up in saving themselves that they won't be able search for you."

"I don't want Shishio to take power, either."

Enishi sighed. "No one does. It's a dangerous situation to be in." He tugged his tie loose. "I'm feeling his pressures because of my position. I'm not giving in, and I'm not forming ties with him…"

"A wise idea for both yourself and your company."

Enishi rolled up his sleeves and folded his hands on the table. "Himura-san, I think the only thing you can do at this point is to avoid Tokyo. Go to Hokkaido for a short while and see your parents. Make sure you aren't seen much, even though the likelihood of any important ties to Katsura-san in Hokkaido is unlikely, you shouldn't be seen much. I'll send regular word as to how things go here…"

"Enishi, I feel that this threat with Shishio is going to put more of a strain on Aoshi's resources and ability to take care of Kaoru… Why wouldn't he have told me about this, anyway?"

The white-blond haired man grinned. "Because he knew you'd worry as soon as you knew. He knew you might not leave then, and that would make his job even harder."

"I mean it." I insisted.

"I know… And I'll take care of this place, too. I'll be looking out for everyone here, and I'll let you know everything as it happens. I swear this to you. In return, I'd like…"

"You'd like to stay informed as to where I am, precisely? I'm sorry, Enishi. I won't tell anyone where I'm going, so that nothing gets back to Katsura-san. I'll call every two days from a pay phone. No one here who remains alive knows where my parents live in Hokkaido… Not even their real names. I will take the utmost precautions."

"I would like you to. You have to come back here alive. If not so that I can tell my sister that I honored my promise to make sure you were alright, then so you can come back to that Kaoru of yours."

I nodded. "I swear to you that when this is over, I'll come back. I know what I plan on doing in Hokkaido."

"Can't let me know, eh?"

"No offense meant to you, of course."

"Never taken." Enishi laughed and stood. I picked up his coat and handed it to him as he stood. "Let's get out of the dining room and into a private discussion room. I'd love some tea."

I followed him out of the room, and he looked back to me. "I have to let Tomoe know exactly how you've been doing, don't I?"

It was several hours later that Enishi and I finished our "catching up", and I started up toward Kaoru and my room. Enishi had left a few moments before, leaving me with a number to call him on for my updates, and pleasant smile. It was strange to be on such good terms with a man who had threatened my life regularly when I had been courting and married to his sister. I wondered if I'd ever come to accept that as the norm now… That I had truly buried the hatchet with my wife's brother.

It was then that I realized that, while I was lost, unable to find myself, in Tokyo, I had rarely thought of my dead wife. In fact, it was in my grief that I had lost myself and, thus her. Our rings had been in my little shrine in my apartment… One of the only things I took with me when I fled my house. I reached into my pocket and touched the bands. I had never before admitted it, but I missed her terribly.

Now I had my own life to live. I had a new path to follow. I had someone else to protect now… and I wouldn't fail Kaoru.

I slid open the door, and Kaoru jumped, staring at me wide-eyed, as though she had been caught. I immediately understood why when I looked at her new appearance. I had barely recognized her, until I realized it was her.

Her dark hair, now a deeper black that seemed to shine the blue that Misao had promised, had been cut to frame her face, and the whole cut curved inward in slight layers that ran past her shoulders. What must have been contacts made her ocean blue eyes seem vaguely turquoise, and her skin looked as though it had been tanned, but just enough to give her pale skin a bit of color.

She had been reading a book by the window, and was now picking it up from where she had dropped it upon my entrance. "G-good evening, Kenshin."

I smiled, relaxing a part of my troubled mind that had been tensed all day. "Good evening, Kaoru…" I stepped to stand next to her and touched her hair. "You look wonderful."

She blushed. "It was all Misao-chan and Omasu-san. I was so upset about the changes, I made it hard on them."

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, then they did a good job."

"I… I had wanted you to see." She admitted. "I was worried you would be so busy over the next day or so before you left… that you wouldn't see, and if you came back, you wouldn't recognize me!"

I laughed merrily. I couldn't recall being quite so… so... contented since Tomoe had been alive. I certainly hadn't laughed like that, so often, in such a long time. "I certainly wouldn't leave you before saying goodbye, and I will never forget you, Kaoru. Even if you completely changed yourself while you were here and I was away, I would never forget you."

"Promise?" She whispered, and I realized suddenly that there was something creeping behind her kindness and all the goodness I had been immediately attracted to. I recognized it as loneliness… as the sound of someone who has been left behind and forgotten by people for too long.

Tomoe had had that sound when I met her… Before Enishi began to change and grow out of his youthful defiance, and before we were married.

I hugged Kaoru. "I swear." Staring out the window, I made my promise to her just the same way I had done so, so long before.

"I'm so worried for him!" Tomoe cried, trying to hide her tears behind her pale hands. "I don't want anything to happen to him!" I understood the meaning: she didn't want to be left alone again.

"I won't let anything happen to him." I embraced her and kissed the top of her head. "I won't let you be alone."

"You… You promise?" She whispered, staring at me from behind a layer of welled up tears.

"I swear."

End Chapter Ten