Juti's POV:
Well, it is good I have told Erik earlier not to be afraid of crying, as he was crying so hard and seemingly unstoppably that my heart almost broke upon his sight. I think it was a bad idea to kiss him. We were having a great time together, playing music, and now he was again sobbing, leaning against the piano. I did not know how to comfort him or what to say, but I tried my best to make him feel better. I put my hand on his shoulder, gently patting it and caressed his back as it was shaking from crying. He did not react to my attempt to calm him down, and after some seconds he suddenly stood up, then pulled away from my touch yet again, just as in the past. I made a mistake and went too far. I just ruined everything when we were getting close finally. I rushed it. I should have waited until he accepts affection better. Just yesterday was the first time I saw his face and now I kiss him without permission.
- Erik, I am sorry. – I whispered, not even thinking he will hear me.
- Are you… still alive? – He asked with surprise.
I did not understand his question. Of course I was. Why?
- You did not strangle me yet, if the question was about it. – I said, half jokingly, but I realized Erik was not in the mood for silly half sarcastic little remarks as he turned to me with a painful expression.
- I did… not… wish to hurt you. – He stuttered bitterly. – You… don't trust me… then but why the Hell… did you just… kiss me? Kiss me… on that ugly face? Eh? What do you want…? What?
- Erik, I am sorry, I was just kidding. It wasn't funny. I know. Forgive me.
- What… was the joke? The kiss or the remark?
- The remark of course. Erik, we don't kiss someone as a joke.
- I… can't know it. Christine was… the only one who… kissed Erik… on the forehead… here… - he pointed at the center of his forehead with a confused and touched expression.
- And now I kissed your face.
- And you are still alive. – He stated.
- Why do you think someone might die by kissing you?
- Long story. – He sighed. – I don't… want to talk about it.
- Okay sorry. Not forcing anything on you.
- Thanks.
- Are you angry?
- N…no. Just… clueless.
- About the kiss?
- Yes, why did you kiss me?
- Because I like you.
- Liking me as a friend can include… kisses?
- Friends do kiss each other in my time. – I nodded.
- Each other might be a suggestion… about you wish Erik… to kiss you…? – He shuddered at the thought. It hurt me a bit as I kissed him without hesitation and it was disappointing he would not do it to me.
- I did not know you think me so ugly that you shudder at the thought of kissing me. – I remarked sadly.
- Other way around. – He shook his head. – I got disgusted of the mere thought of such a monster pressing his malformed lips against your… beautiful face. – He admitted in a soft and painful whisper.
- Erik, I don't find you ugly. I told you. Will you believe me?
- How can you not…? Erik finds himself the ugliest and most horrifying creatures on Earth. I am a terribly disgusting sight.
- Not for me.
- Not for you. – He repeated softly, lifting his head up to look me in the eyes. – Not for you…?
- No.
- How would you… describe THIS then? – He pointed at his face.
- It is unique. – I said matter of factly.
- Not handsome, eh?
- Well… I like you the way you are. You don't have to be beautiful for me to like you. Looks matter nothing.
- Everyone says so. – He groaned. – Until they see me. When they see my face, surprisingly, looks start to matter a LOT more.
- Erik, I know it is hard to trust someone and we know each other not for too long time, dear. Please forgive me for rushing things. I just… felt good in your presence, and I am kind of a person who loves to hug or kiss my friends or family. It is just how I am. I did it without thnking things through.
- The problem. – He stood up with shakey legs. – Isn't what you think it is.
- What do you mean?
- I did not… really mind the kiss. I mean… I love to receive… kisses. Or would have loved to, to be clear. In all my life, I was yearning for someone to kiss me… and only Christine did so, after so much trouble. And you just come here and kiss me as I was just… a handsome man on the streets. Why?
- Erik, may I tell you something that maybe will make you feel uncomfortable for a time?
- If you must…
- Well, maybe Christine wasn't necessarily freaked out because of your appearance only, but because of the situation. I mean, at first that big ass chandelier crashes, killing and injuring people. Panic, blood and such would have freaked anyone out. She was also worried about your safety as she thought you got injured, even if she yet thought you had no body.
- Stop describing the situation so graphicly, will you? – He snorted.
- Okay, sorry. So, I just wanted to say you kidnapping her after such a party might have been a bit of terrifying to her.
- That is why Erik spent the whole night of singing for her. To calm her.
- I know but the fact you wear that black mask is just… disturbing. Even for me, who knew about it, let alone to Christine, who did not know why you disguise yourself.
- You mean it is the MASK that makes you feel disgusted?
- Not disgusted just uneasy. I am uncomfortable if I can't see the face of someone I am talking to. So, I just wanted to say, maybe the unmasking was just the top of the iceberg.
- So, little know – it- all, what would you have done in my shoes, eh?
- I am honestly not sure. – I said. – Maybe just the exact thing you did. As I said, it is just what Christine must have felt in my opinion. I am not here to judge your actions. I know you had done things you are maybe not proud of. But past is past and… I see why you did these things. I am not saying it is okay, but understandable. I daresay your face is the least frightening thing about you. Maybe the Rosy Hours are the worst.
- How much do you know… about my past in Persia? – He sighed.
- Nearly nothing. – I replied. – You killed some people. Thankfully I don't know much about the details. Only the lasso and the Torture Chamber.
- Enough for you to know. – He nodded. – If you knew more you will be so disgusted of my mind that you would never kiss me again.
- I can imagine it is just a percentage of what really happened. But even if you did horrible things, you don't deserve hatred. I am not saying I pity you as you hate pity, I know. But I understand the reason behind your actions. And… I just ask you not to hurt me. Unless you hurt me or kill someone else again, I am here.
- Killing people is something I can not avoid completely, you see. – He stated. – But I will not hurt you. I don't directly hurt women. And… I would never hurt someone who had… kissed me. – He went on his knees in front of me and took my hand. – Thank you for… kissing me. And being honest with me. You know... you know… - He cleared his throat as he tried to continue his speech. – You see…you being honest with me, even though it is an uncomfortable issue to talk about, and you worded what you think… is more than anyone would ever bother to do. The Daroga… the Daroga means well, but the only thing he does is insulting me. I don't know what to do only if he says "You are a monster, you are a murderer, you are wrong, don't do this, don't do that…" and this, as I was never properly taught, how NOT to be a monster, is nothing but stressful to me. I can't meet his expectations and can not turn to be a normal person like anyone else… as you pointed out, not only because of my face. But… I really wish to change this. I wanted to marry Christine and give up this life as the Opera Ghost… and… now that I did not die, I don't know what to do.
- Did you return the money to the managers? Don't you have money now?
- Not all of it, but only the part I asked from them in this year. And anyway, I have… wealth. It is not the matter. But… would you be so kind to turn Erik to be a normal man? Maybe you could explain…?
- I try my best, but you shall then accept some rules. Rules about no killing. Really no killing. Deal?
- I try my best. – He nodded.
- Okay, it is good enough for starting. Well, the main thing is, you should learn how to love. You have learned how to love other people as you realized that loving Christine meant that she loved the Viscount and you thought of her rather than yourself. It was the frst lesson.
- A painful one.
- Yes, but this second lesson will be better. You shall learn how to love yourself.
- What?
- Yourself. You heard it right. How could you accept others to love you if the only thing you feel for yourself is deep hatred? You will never ever believe anyone who says they love you if you don't make peace with Erik first. Erik shall LOVE Erik.
- How to love Erik when he is horrible?
- He isn't. And the key to love yourself is like how would you show your love to others. For example, what would you do to Christine if she was here?
- Easy. Entertain her, prepare her a delicious meal she loves and make sure she feels good. And for you, for the matter of fact…
- Oh that is kind of you, dear. So that is exactly what shall happen to you as well. You treat yourself, and let others treat you. You allow affection and accept it. From others and yourself too. Try to list what you do like about yourself. You don't have to answer right away. Just think about it.
- Interesting. – He scratched his head. – I never considered liking something about myself.
- Yet there are many things that are good in you Erik. Not anyone is completely good or evil. I am not totally good either. And you are not totally bad either. And that is how it should be. The fact you wish to turn to a better person, is a good sign and I am more than happy to help you with it if you accept.
- I do. – He nodded and looked at me honestly. Now I knew it wasn't a trick of his. He really wanted to be good.
- Okay. The first step is to accept your look and the fact that people see your face. I don't mean all people, you see, as you know it isn't good for you. But to the ones you love. For example me.
- So you wish to see my face.
- Yes.
- Good. Well, I stop wearing the mask.
- And the nose.
- Must I…?
- Yes, eventually. Yet, if you are not comfortable with it yet, I am fine with your fake nose on you. Just no more mask.
- No more mask. – He repeated to himself.
- Give me all your masks.
- All of them?
- Yes, how much do you have?
- One in the pocket of each of my coats and on the organ, and the ones in the laundry basket. Umm… 20-22 in total.
- All of them are these black full face ones?
- Yes.
- Okay, collect them and bring them here.
- All right… only one mask I am going to save.
- The human mask?
- Yes, how do you know about it?
- You mentioned it in the book in a speech to Christine. What does it look like?
- It isn't totally perfect yet, but it looks like a normal human face. It is made of leather and is painted and crafted as a human face. It can also follow my facial expressions, the few I can show anyway… so it looks natural. It has a built in nose with wires to support it, hidden in the texture. I attach a fake pair of glasses to it to disguise the errors around the eyes and the lenses are tinted blue as my yellow eyes will look green due to optical illusion.
- Sounds great. Well, that may stay as a disguise on the streets, but all your other masks shall disappear. You may keep the fake nose too.
- I intended it as until my mask turns out to be perfect the nose is the only possible way of going on the sreets to do shopping and arrange my life. Well, to be clear I only wore the mask around Christine, as my face is visible with the nose. But too creepy.
- Not creepy. Okay, collect the masks and throw them away. Not one should be kept.
He nodded, stood up from the floor and walked away for some minutes. I was surprised to see him returning with a stack of silk clothes in his hands. He obeyed. He visibly threw them into a trash can in the kitchen then returned and asked.
- And now?
- And now what's the time? – I inquired as I started to get hungry.
- Oh. – He checked his watch. – It is five in the evening.
- Time to eat something. – I nodded smiling.
- Of course! – He slapped his forehead. – I knew Erik forgot something… oh dear, sorry about that.
- No problem, Erik, we are fine.
- I am going to… prepare something fro you. What do you wish to eat?
- Wrong pronouns dear. You are going to prepare something for US. Not only me.
- Oh… Erik is… not hungry.
- You haven't eaten anything all day. Are you sure you are not?
- Well, I am, but I wasn't allowed to eat at the same table with anyone and the way I eat is too disgusting for anyone who has to whitness and… I would ruin your appetite with my head.
- No. I wish to eat with you, not like before that I eat and you watch. Or even worse as you are not even in the room. It is part of love for yourself, Erik. You treat yourself with food and with the pleasantness of eating with someone. Would not that be nice…?
- It would. – He admitted. – I always wanted to have a meal like others do. But… are you sure you won't be sick? Imagine how I am able to eat with… THIS mouth…
- Not that you can do about it, right? It does not bother me.
- Well, I have to… remove the nose as it is difficult for me to eat with it on.
- Then remove it. You are fine.
- Oh… thank you. Umm… well, I go and… make dinner. You don't like fish, right..?
- Please make your favorite. If you wish to eat fish, I will taste it.
- No, no, it is fine. I have some other idea for you. You will like it.
I have no idea how did Erik know I liked Italian food, but we had spaghetti and he made the best tomato sauce I had ever tasted. He was an excellent cook, and when I complimented him about it, even his ears blushed. He was hesitant to take a seat, and was occupied of giving me a perfectly served glass of wine for a long time, even though I did not ask for alcohol. Well, he did not know I don't drink. I did not want to make him sad about it, so I just accepted the wine, and said thank you for it. Erik nervously paced around for some time, thinking about what else to do instead of eating, but finally he sat down facing me and twisted his long skeletal fingers around the fork. I did not hurry him, yet I was a bit of concerned in my mind that his pasta will cool off. I was almost finished with my dinner when he sat down, but forced myself to eat as slowly as possible once he took a seat, as I knew if I finish, he will instantly jump up and either serve another portion or clean the table in front of me, which I did not want to happen. I wanted him to eat in peace. He slowly started eating, and I tried not to directly look at him. Not because I was disgusted, yet truly, Erik wasn't able to eat properly as he had trouble to close his mouth, and parts of his lips were missing, so he had a hard time keeping food in his mouth, and seemingly it was painful for him to chew on the left side, perhaps because an aching tooth, but he did a great job eating as nicely as possible with his deformity. As I said, I wasn't disgusted about his eating, but did not want him to feel uncomfortable or ashamed as he was having dinner. A big enough step is that he finally did dare to eat in front of me at all. Thankfully he ate all his portion. He was sure hungry. As he finished, I did too, so he took the plates away, but I offered him my help with the dishes.
- Would you do it? – He asked with surprise.
- Of course. – I smiled. – Thank you for the dinner, you are really great with cooking.
- Oh… it is nothing. A bachelor has to know how to cook, unless he wants to have bread and butter in all his life. – He let out a nervous little laugh. – Well… are you sure you wish to… do the dishes?
- Yes. – I nodded. – Anyway I could help you.
- To be honest…- He paced around, being all fidgety as usual, - E-Erik hates to do the dishes. He loathes it.
- Don't worry dear, I like it. If you wish I will do them always.
- Oh… thank you. – He smiled and paced around some more. – And what should Erik do while that?
- Whatever you wish to. Treat yourself with some activity you like.
- You mean… Erik is allowed to read?
- Why would you not to be allowed to read in your own house?
- Are you sure you don't need help?
- Sure Erik. Relax. – I patted his shoulder and turned to run the tap, but I still sensed Erik standing behind me.
- Would you mind…? – He whispered in a higher pitched tone as he was insecure. I turned around to face him.
- Would I mind what, dear? – I stepped closer. He was playing with his fingers and eyed me with an uncomfortable look. – What is wrong?
- Nothing. – He admitted softly. – Just… collecting my bravery.
- For what? – I inquired.
He stood there for a few more minutes, stimming, he occupied himself by bouncing from his heels to tiptoes for some time, and then he reached out to hesitantly touch my shoulder. I was waiting curiously of what he wanted to do, but suddenly he leaned closer and pressed his lips against my forehead. It was a soft and quick peck on the forehead from him, but it felt like Heaven.
- Aw how sweet you are Erik. – I giggled. – Thank you.
- I…I… I… thank you. I love you… my dear.
He confessed, then he suddenly turned around and left to the door. From there he turned back for a quick smile and sent me a glance full of love.
- I love you too, my friend. – I told him.
He swallowed back some tears as he nodded and left the kitchen.
Erik's diary
9th June 1881
I fall from surprise to surprise with Juti.
Not only I had the opportunity to play music with someone, which made me so happy, but also, she kissed me. Physical contact with Erik gives her no problem and no disgust at all. She pets, touches and kisses me without a second thought, and she also allowed Erik to kiss her forehead after dinner which I wasn't forced to eat alone, once in my life. I bet I was a disgusting sight, but this honorable girl had not made a remark about it, not even a single eyeroll. For the first time in my life, I had a day with someone, without the constant stomach cramps of ruining everything with my looks. I can't understand how she isn't frightened by Erik. She said she isn't afraid until I hurt her, but I would never do that now.
She means to help me get to like myself and make peace with my appearance. I don't know how it will be a successful project, but as I wish to live like anyone else, I have to try my best to accept Erik as he is. Her constant encouragement sure does help. That is why I dared to kiss her, because I felt her endless love towards me. That makes me do things I would never consider doing otherwise.
And she DOES need help as well. I never imagined she could be so insecure about something as she was the one calming me while a mental breakdown in these days. But now I found out her weak spot, which I am going to help with.
As I sat in my chair after dinner, reading a book while she was doing the dishes, I suddenly noticed she was singing something. I have never heard her singing before, I had no idea she liked to sing. Instrumental music was her forte as she was able to play four hands with me, and she was quite good with piano playing, but singing was something she avoided so far. True, I did not sing for her before either.
I stepped closer in the kitchen door to hear her better as she was merely humming mostly, but she seemed to be in a good mood. As she sensed my presence, she turned around just as she did something wrong and apologized to me. When I asked what she asked my forgiveness for, she only stuttered she was sorry I had to hear her sing. I rolled my eyes at her with surprise.
- Why do you think it bothered me? – I asked.
- Because I have a terrible voice. I forgot about myself and just sang as I always do while doing the dishes.
- Terrible you say? I heard nothing of that sort.
- Thankfully the water maybe drowns out the worst parts.
- Believe me, a bit of water changes nothing about my hearing. – I laughed.
- I apologize still. I will never make you suffer again.
That sentence made me shocked again. I shook my head and asked her to stop working for a time. There was something we had to discuss. She nodded, closed the running water and dried her hands. She walked to me and looked at me with a questioning expression.
- Follow me. – I led her to the dining room to the piano and I sat down at the bench. I turned to face her though, as she was standing behind me. – So, why do you think you have a terrible voice?
- Because I do.
- I did not ask that. – I shook my head. – Who said that?
- My voice teacher in college.
- Only?
- Not "only."She was a performing opera singer. If she says so…
- What exactly did she say? – I pushed on the subject.
- That with my voice I shall not sing opera, or anything classical, as my singing sounds like a five year old,'s and I am ridiculous.
True, she had a higher pitched, childlike voice, which even slipped an octave above her usual tone, but that was something she had nothing to do about. A skilled teacher makes the maximum out of each voice type. She could be a nice naiva role, as her voice is really not for the roles like "Queen of the Night" or the Countess from Figaro, but she could be a very cute Zerlina for example. It matches her usual way of acting anyways.
- You did not sound ridiculous. – I stated calmly. – Please describe how she taught you.
- She did not bother with me.
- "Bother?"
- Yes, as she said I am, with the obvious lack of a singing voice, will never turn out to be a singer. I liked to sing until college, very much so, but not anymore. I needed voice lessons for college, so she saw me once a week. She gave me a song for homework, but never explained anything. What little I know. I know from watching videos of singing technique, but she never told me I was good or not. She only nodded and dismissed me with the next homework.
- How much time did a lesson take? – I gasped.
- The duration of the said song, plus maybe one minute.
- Warm – ups? – I growled.
- No need for warm up it helps nothing for the lack of a voice.
- Who said this nonsense?
- Her.
- And why did you not search for a private tutor other than this asshole?
- Partly because I thought, if a trained opera singer says I have no voice, she should be right, and I did not wish to waste my already small amount of money for something that would not help at all.
- Trained singer my ass! – I snorted.
I usually don't use that language, especially not around young women, but I was unable to take so much bullshit any more. Way to go, Madame, to destroy and shatter your pupil's self esteem in pieces and sweep the pieces of it under a rug. What a Carlotta!
- If she performed in Budapest and Vienna, she is a trained singer.
- A trained singer never says you need no warm ups. A trained singer never tells a pupil she has no talent. A trained singer encourages talent, no matter how you might sound at the point they start to teach you. You know what would I do if I could figure out how to time travel as you did?
- What? – She asked.
- I would send myself in the middle of such a "lesson", and punch your Prima Donna right in the nose. I don't hit women, but that pig should deserve so!
- And what would you do to me…?
- I'd comfort you. – I patted her shoulder. – Like now.
- I am sure Christine sounded better. – She sighed. – I sound like a Persian cat being used as a doormat. My high notes are shakey and soft and I can't sing lower than F3. My highest comfortable is C6.
- Common mezzosoprano range. – I nodded. – Yet we can work it up. You stopped singing and you fell out of practice because I bet you were able to sing higher as well, regarding your tone of speaking. Now we are getting lazy, staying in comfort zone, eh? – I laughed.
- Yes. Though I try to sing E6.
- Without scales first?
- Yes as I try to sing along to Phantom soundtrack.
- We are NOT singing along to anything. – I shook my head. – Especially not without warm up. So: do you wish me to see what are you capable of? So to calm you about singing?
- Are you sure you won't laugh at me or… tell me it is super bad? I know it is
- I would never laugh at you for something you may fail at. But I am sure you are too harsh on yourself.
- Just as you are on yourself about your looks. – She said.
It did surprise me yet again, but I just shrugged in the end.
- Well, I guess we both need to relax. Maybe we could help each other, huh?
- You help me with accepting my voice…?
- Yes and you help me with accepting myself.
- Deal. – She smiled and we shook hands.
So, we started the first singing lesson tonight. She really can use some advice, as she was absolutely right about her being untrained. She has breathing issues, but most likely it is yet a leftover of her illness earlier, she doesn't know how to reach under and above her comfort zone, and she has flawed technique with producing sounds. She sings from throat, which is the worst thing she can do, literally. That Carlotta did not explain anything to her. Yet her intonation is mostly right, as she uses her hearing perfectly. Her other strong spot is articulating lyrics understandably- well, the very few times I can actually HEAR her. That is the biggest problem, she literally refuses to open her mouth and if I play the accompaniment, I hear nothing of her singing, and it is sure I am not the one turning deaf. I will sure have a lot of work with her, but I am sure it will worth it in the end. Christine did sound terrible as well, and I made a Prima Donna out of her. Juti is most certainly not talentless, and I am going to teach her how to handle her voice. Though I imagined I will never ever do this again in my life, again Erik turned out to be a voice teacher.
She was seemingly very much excited about the fact I teach her and wished to address me as "Angel of Music" but I rather shortly and harshly warned her to stop it, so she did not use that again thankfully. No, Erik is not the Angel of Music, we are not playing that shameful little play again. I won't make the same mistake twice and informed her about I am "Erik" to her, nothing else. She apologized yet again. She apologizes for everything. Even breathing.
I daresay we really needed each other. Maybe if we help each other, both of us turn out to be less insecure about our flaws. Helping each other sounds a good idea- the first time in my life I do want to help another person I am not in love with, or am not "forced" to help.