Chapter 9
She seldom visited the attic anymore. Save for when she wanted to discard inconvenient trinkets that couldn't be thrown out or, in the Halloween and Christmas decorations' case, things that were only used once a year.
Clusters of old boxes were piled unceremoniously in every corner and covered by a thin (although noticeable) layer of dust. It was cobwebs galore on the ceiling, and the floorboards made a nasty creaking sound when someone stepped on them. An unpleasant musty smell seemed to pervade the air, but C.C. barely noticed it – to her, the attic only smelled of rotting memories.
Memories that were better left buried, even if they refused to do so and emerged every once in a while, like a stubborn zombie that simply wouldn't stay dead. Only in this case it wasn't a hunger for brains that awoke them – it was nostalgia.
Nostalgia, and maybe, C.C. thought as she opened the one little box she was fastidious about keeping hidden behind her mother's old mahogany chest of drawers, masochism too.
As expected, the small stack of once white envelopes met her sight. The paper was turning a faint shade of yellow, and every time she came back (which was not often for obvious reasons) she could tell the envelopes were starting to have the characteristic scent of old paper.
Had it been that long already?
Eight, coming up for nine years since she'd been in a hospital bed and sore across her middle, holding Mia close to her heart as she said her goodbyes to Lottie before Marie took her away. She'd left mother and remaining daughter alone, and C.C. had promised her little girl the world.
She didn't know if she'd given her the world yet. But she had given her all the love and affection that she possessed, as well as the finest home, food and clothes any child could wish for. Mia wanted for nothing, except for good reason, and got everything she needed to keep her happy.
And it was only one more day until her baby girl came home from camp! The time hadn't exactly passed quickly without her there, but it still felt a shorter period than the endless waiting she'd imagined.
That was why C.C. was going to look at her old ultrasounds that day. It was the last one she'd get in the privacy of her own memories before her present day reality came bursting through the door, probably talking about everything she'd done in her time away from the house...
She picked up the first envelope, and took out the picture to examine it.
She automatically smiled upon seeing it, her eyes misting over as her chest swelled with overwhelming love and nostalgia. The ultrasound had been taken when she was six months along, and both her girls were clear and present in it.
It was one of the few precious pictures she had of them clearly together, and the rest were all lying around in envelopes in that room, too.
She'd been terribly afraid of being pregnant at first. She'd known what it would entail, and each detail had terrified her in its own unique way. She hadn't even been convinced that it would be worth it, considering everything that had gone on with Niles...
She hadn't been sure she wanted...well, his children...
The thought seemed awful now, in some ways, given that that would've meant no Mia. And no little Lottie out there, somewhere...
But the longer she thought about those early days, the more she remembered what had made her change her mind.
It had been the first ultrasound. The doctor had pointed out the two tiny little things on the screen that C.C. almost couldn't see, let alone imagine to be in her belly, but when she'd realised exactly where they were, something clicked.
Those little things were gonna be bigger things. Bigger things that would grow, and explore and discover the world in their own unique way…
Bigger things that would someday go on to become powerful and (hopefully) kind-hearted individuals.
And she – she, the infamous Bitch of Broadway no less, who many'd thought couldn't experience basic human emotions such as love – had helped to make them! They were hers, to love and… well, in the case of one, to keep.
It'd been hammered completely home when she'd heard their heartbeats. C.C. didn't think she'd ever fallen entirely in love, until that moment - listening to the little rhythm of life going on inside her.
All of a sudden, she hadn't been able to think of anything else but looking after the little ones growing in there.
Of course, she'd only been able to do it for one of her girls. She'd imagined that Niles had done the same for Lottie on occasion, but she tried not to think too hard about it.
They'd reached their agreement – Lottie was Niles' to keep, and she had to focus on Mia.
Once she'd gotten going with motherhood, it was very easy to do that.
Feeling a familiar heat behind her eyes and as a melancholy smile made it's appearance, C.C. took another couple of the envelopes, comparing the ultrasounds inside to the one she'd first opened. She chuckled at the time gap, seeing how the six-month-old babies in the first picture had come from a couple of tiny little peanut-like dots. And now...now, those little dots were heading for their ninth birthday...
She'd have to get a party ready – either set one up at a place Mia liked to go, or prepare the house for chaos, decorate and cater for a party at home.
Once again, she had to shake the thought of Niles and Lottie out of her head. The thought of a perfectly catered and fun birthday party hosted by him got mentally tossed in the trash with it.
It wasn't her business what they were doing. And besides, the actual day was still months away yet – they'd be having a welcome home party for Mia long before then!
Fran had offered to pick little Mia up at the airport so C.C. could stay at their home and have everything ready for her welcome celebration.
She'd actually thought up the party on one of those nights where the longing for her child hadn't allowed her to sleep. She wasn't used to being apart from her – as a matter of fact, she could count the occasions she'd been away from Mia for more than three days with the fingers of one hand. That's why it had taken some consideration for her to allow her little one to simply go on her merry way all the way to Maine for eight long weeks.
Eight weeks that, in her humble opinion, had felt like a lifetime.
She'd consoled herself by thinking Mia was surely having a wonderful time (which had been proved so far by the many texts she'd gotten from Mia telling her just every little detail of her fun-filled holidays) and that, when she was back, she'd make sure to spend as much time as possible with her girl. She'd already given notice at the office – she was taking the next two weeks off and that was that.
The vicissitudes of her work persona and her mother persona never ceased to amaze her...
She was the first to admit she was a workaholic, but where Mia was concerned, nothing was above her or her well-being.
That was why she was taking such careful consideration with the party. Nothing could be out of place for her girl – they'd have all her favourite foods, her favourite decorations (the ones Mia had had to explain to her mother were "cool", like the ones other kids had at their parties), her favourite music...it made C.C. a little wistful, thinking of how much she was going to enjoy it!
Of course, part of C.C. would spend it dreading the possibility that Mia would want to go back, or to rush off by herself again, or to just be with her friends. But she reassured herself for the time being with the idea that a girl who wanted time away from her mother wouldn't text as much as the two of them did.
It soothed the worry. She didn't think she could bear her little one being off so far away again – especially not so soon after coming home!
Ironically enough, that was when she found the picture of her bringing Mia home from the hospital. She'd carried her in through the door so delicately, like she was carrying the most precious thing in the world – and in her mind, both then and in the present, she had been. Her father had taken the shot, almost like a "candid camera" kind of thing, and he was still proud of himself for getting such a good one.
C.C., smiling down at the little bundle in her arms, just stepping over the threshold with the door just open enough to see Noel's head behind her as he brought luggage in. But he was barely a focus – the eye went naturally to the mother and daughter, the former having been excited and a little scared but perfectly happy for her new little big adventure, and the latter so sound asleep that she had no idea what was going on...
She'd had no idea that her (hopefully wonderful) life was just beginning. She'd been completely oblivious to the fact she'd just entered a wide new world that held countless adventures for her to go in.
She'd been completely unaware that, somewhere out there, she had a twin sister – a little bundle of joy just like her, with the softest tuft of blonde hair and the bluest eyes...
C.C. forced herself to shake those images out of her head – thinking about Lottie was a path she didn't want to go down. It simply hurt too much, and the last thing she wanted, was to be sad when her child – the one child she was allowed to know and take care of – came home.
Over the years she'd debated with herself about whether keeping the girls apart had been the best idea. Yes, the agreement had been drawn to protect all parties involved, but had it really been the best option? Couldn't they have come up with something else? Reached some sort of middle ground?
She didn't know if they could or not. She'd kept herself from thinking about it for so long, she'd...they'd...long gone past the stage where talking was an option. She didn't even know how she'd react if she saw...certain people today.
It was too much to think about, really. And suddenly springing a whole new sibling on Mia just wouldn't be fair, would it? She'd only ever known part of her family for all of her life and perhaps that was for the best? She didn't want to make her girl upset or confused by introducing new people – she might think that maybe she'd been abandoned by them, and that was the last thing C.C. wanted her to think.
Even if it might make things easier on her, thinking of Niles as bad...
No. She just wouldn't think of him at all. That would be the easiest way moving forward.
It was her and Mia. Nobody else. No one to hurt them, or betray them in any way, or to leave them...
That thought hurt very much, too, but what other choice did she have?
She put down the photo, and busied herself away from the thought by looking for more. She found a few which she thought might do the trick – old birthday parties, trips to the park, playing with the dog in the house...
But all the while at the back of her mind, she could still feel the hurt. She was just telling herself it was easier to tune out than it actually was.
Mia's photos were a nice distraction on a more conscious level, though. C.C. thought that, one of these days, they might be able to sit down on a rainy day and put all of them into photo albums. It'd be a nice bonding activity, and they'd be able to relive a lot of old memories, before her girl grew up more and made new ones of her own.
She had a flash forward to what she could imagine her girl's wedding being like, with many of the images she was seeing being put up on a slide show for all the guests to see...
While C.C. herself sat by herself at the table, in floods of tears because it was her girl's special day but also because she was alo—
No. She wasn't going to think about that – not when she still had years before her little girl would do anything like go off and get married!
She laughed off the thought, and put the photos away. She had a lot more stuff she could be going through, like the baby clothes she still had of hers, and her old drawings from her kindergarten and early school days...
It was all there, and all hers to go over and to reminisce. She'd obviously never get the time back and there wasn't going to be an opportunity for her to do it all over again. So, she had to be satisfied with what she had.
In most ways, she was. She had a fabulous job that kept the house and the dog and stocked the fridge, she had a great relationship with her father and brother, and her precious little girl would be home in a matter of hours, enjoying a fun party thrown in her honour. So yeah, there were more than enough things to be satisfied with there.
The things she wasn't were...well, beyond her control. There wasn't any point in getting upset over them – she had to just suck it up and move on.
She always did, eventually.
He supposed the clock must've still been ticking away on the study wall, counting down the time until his little one was due to come home, but Niles had been so engrossed in the pictures he held in his hands that it had faded away into the background.
He couldn't help but let the smiling faces overtake him, in truth. How could he not, when they were two of the three people dearest to him in the entire world?
Of course, the first he'd looked at had been his Lottie – the daughter he'd carried out of the hospital with his head held high, and a strange mixture of pride for his girl and hurt at what he was leaving behind duking it out in his chest. The daughter he'd raised by himself, and loved with all of his heart and soul. The daughter who'd be coming back from her adventures in America the next day, and whom he couldn't wait to hold in his arms as he heard about everything she'd gotten up to.
And he knew she was like him – she would've gotten up to something!
It had taken him a small age to look at the other picture – it always did, when it was Lottie's mother in the frame. C.C. Babcock might've been smiling back at him right then and there, but he knew she'd never look at him in real life with anything less than scorn.
If she ever would look at him in real life, that was. The entire basis of their arrangement with Lottie and Mia was so they'd never have to see each other again...
It crushed him to think of it. Never being near the woman he loved more than anyone, nor ever getting to bond with the little girl he'd seen only once, when she and her sister had just been born...
He couldn't help but wonder about his daughter who lived across an ocean. Had she grown up completely identical to Lottie? What did she like to do with her spare time? What were her favourite foods, or subjects at school? How many friends did she have? Did she like to play pranks as well?
So many questions he'd never know the answers to...
He knew he'd never know the answers, but it didn't stop him from thinking about them often. Well, he said "often" when he truly meant every day from the moment he got up in the morning.
He'd get out of bed and remember that New York was five hours behind London. He'd hope that his girl was all tucked up in bed, and having happy dreams.
He might make a delicious lunch for Lottie after a morning of shopping, and think about what Mia could be having for breakfast before her day began.
He'd tuck Lottie into bed at night, and wonder if Mia had finished all of her homework. He'd imagine C.C. helping her with it, and occasionally – when he was feeling bold enough – he'd fantasise that he and Lottie were in the room as well, going over a textbook and working towards getting both their girls an A in their class. Over hot chocolate and a plate of homemade cookies, of course.
But that was just a dream, and more often than not he shook it out of his head before he could think about it for very long. It hurt too much to think of something that wasn't ever going to happen.
No, he had to focus on what he did have, even if he knew it wasn't exactly what he wanted.
Not to get him wrong, parts of it were what he wanted, and truly made him happy. He could easily concentrate on raising Lottie for instance. Having her was, in truth, what kept him going – it was a dream come true, having a child of his own to take on day trips out, to teach to cook, and to cuddle up together with on the sofa to have a movie night.
His girl deserved nothing but the best in his mind, and with the money that C.C. had agreed he should have to provide for their daughter, he had been able to give her the best of everything. Her food and clothes, toys, education and sports – all of it was of the highest quality, even if paying for it all had left his previously six-dollars-an-hour-wage mind reeling for the first year or so. He'd quickly gotten over it, once he was more used to giving his girl a more comfortable life than he'd had as a butler.
She was going to get a splendid welcome home, too. Oh, how he'd missed his little girl for the past eight weeks!
Again, his mind had to go and ruin it by jumping in with the thought of how he'd been missing C.C. and Mia for far longer, but he pushed it out again.
He distracted himself with thoughts of what Lottie's reaction would be to the feast he and his mother had prepared for her. They'd spent the past day and a half preparing Lottie's favourite dishes, which were now resting in the fridge, carefully wrapped in foil paper.
Marie had even taken the time to prepare Lottie's favourite dessert: île flottante, which consisted of meringue served floating on a milky custard sauce.
She'd first tried it in France, when they'd all visited Marie's motherland when Lottie was about four years old. She hadn't looked back ever since.
He remembered Marie had promised Lottie she would teach her how to make it when she came back from camp, and he was already looking forward to one of their baking sessions. They could spend hours in the kitchen, just preparing the most exquisite delicacies humankind had ever laid eyes on. Or, sometimes, when they weren't up for slaving away in the kitchen, they'd go to a nearby bakery and buy chocolate chip cookies to eat while watching a movie or sharing a quiet afternoon.
Those quiet family moment were, more often than not, what helped soothe the yearning for the other half of his family.
Of course, it never went away completely.
That was why he'd tried introducing...someone new. Someone else, who came with her own set of demands and a pair of heels that clicked across hard floors. But there hadn't been much change – if any at all – so far.
He kept telling himself that he just had to stick it out. That change would come eventually, if he'd just let himself (and certain people) go. But he didn't think that he could do that, either – the last woman he'd offered his heart to might've stomped on it, but she'd taken it with her as well, whether she liked it or not.
He knew she wouldn't like it, if she ever probably stopped to think about it. He couldn't imagine her struggling to find someone. Not to replace him, because that would imply she'd ever had feelings for him in the first place, but to find someone who was simply better than him. A rich businessman, perhaps, or a high-priced lawyer or banker, or maybe even a politician, like a senator...
Someone who'd take care of both her and Mia, better than he'd been able to then.
The thought of another man raising his child stung, especially when he knew he'd jump at the chance to be with both his girls, but he knew he couldn't exactly prevent it. No more than he could prevent C.C. from dating whomever she chose, which was a thought that brought its own level of pain into his head and his heart.
She'd choose the wealthiest, best looking of the lot, and she could do it – she was utterly charming and gorgeous beyond compare, and they'd all see it. They'd probably have a magnificent wedding, and Mia would be a bridesmaid at an event Lottie would never even hear about.
They'd probably happily provide more siblings for Mia, to make up for that fact...
That was when Niles had to bury the anger and the sadness. He knew he had no right to feel either – not when they'd had their agreement. But he just couldn't help himself!
His imagination kept on terrifying him with things like that. It was ever-present to remind him that things were not the way he wanted them to be, and never would be.
He tried his hardest to give Lottie the perfect life, but his own would always fall very far short. Perhaps, the worst part of it was that he had no one to blame for his current situation. No one but himself.
They say time heals all wounds, but Niles wasn't quite so certain about that – if anything, time had only helped to confuse him further. The memory of that fateful evening had started to blur, and the more time passed, the harder it became to tread the boundaries between reality and his own machinations. The fact that he avoided thinking about their argument like the plague did not help, either.
There was only so much time he could dwell on the past without feeling the urge to either throw himself off a cliff or take the first plane to New York that he could get. He couldn't afford to do so either – not when he had a young girl that depended on him. She was the reason why he forced himself to keep his feet firmly on the ground.
There was no space for a dreamer´s soul and a father's heart in him. So, for the sake of his child – the only child he would ever know and get to love – he'd done without the former for the past eight years, and that's how it would stay for the foreseeable future. His place was as carer and unconditional support to his Lottie, not as the naïve dreamer that had set foot in America over thirty years ago.
He hadn't planned life to go this way (if he'd ever planned a course at all), but he had to make do with what life had thrown his way. He knew he had little to complain about – he was a millionaire, he lived in a nice ten-bedroom house with his mother and child, he could provide for them and allow himself the liberty to splurge from time to time…
There was hardly a reason to grouse about…
Not that his stubborn (and lovesick) heart had taken notice.
That was a feeling he couldn't ever truly bury. It would probably kill him if he even tried. So, the next best thing was to love in private, in the clandestine space of his office. He couldn't keep C.C.'s picture out anywhere else (his...new someone wouldn't have it), and his desk drawer was lockable.
He kept everything that was important to him in there, including a ring that would never be worn by the woman it belonged to.
It wasn't a family really, but having pictures and tokens was the next best thing. It made him feel like they were connected, even across thousands of miles and an argument that would keep them on separate continents.
Sighing to himself, he stroked one finger down the picture of C.C., right over her golden hair. If he'd known the two nights they had together were going to be his only chances, he'd have stroked it more, and played with it more.
Truth be told, if he could've gone back and started everything over again, there would have been a lot of things he'd have done differently.
He set the picture down. He knew she wouldn't be thinking of him how he'd just thought about her. That had never been the way that they'd operated – there'd been a rhythm to it, which he'd ruined.
And now he was paying the price, in so many ways...
But, as he'd told himself so many times over, he had brought that misery on himself. He couldn't sit back and proclaim how unjust it all was, and how biased fate had been to him.
If it was unfair to anybody, it was unfair to Lottie, and to Mia. One would grow up never knowing her mother, and the other never knowing her father. And neither had had any say in the matter.
Of course, he could tell his girl all about her mother. He had tried before, but found himself...unable. But there was always the chance that in the future he'd be able to try again – when his heart had healed some more.
Part of his mind said that he was kidding himself to think his heart would ever heal, but he had to hope. Even if just so that he could tell Lottie all about her, and tell her about all the things he found in her that were similar to C.C...
Even just looking at the pictures, he could see obvious similarities. But their daughter had some of her internal traits, too – her keen intellect, her passion and perseverance...the love of pranks that all three of them seemed to share...
That sent the unwelcome thought that he and C.C. had so much in common, they'd have made a wonderful couple if he hadn't been such a fool and just tried to interact with her like a normal person.
But no, he'd had to be a royal asshole about it.
It wasn't easy for him to think about the events that had ultimately resulted in his family (if he could call it that way) coming apart before it had even begun.
Every story has a beginning, and his with Miss Babcock began long ago, when she was a plain assistant fresh out of college and he a young butler with dreams of someday being a powerful barrister. Their relationship had never been conventional – for the longest of times they'd been at odds, tossing zingers to and fro, and playing practical pranks on one another. But then Sarah had died and the Sheffield household became swamped in sadness. For the longest of times, they'd both gone about their days, avoiding each other mostly, but keeping everything together for Maxwell and the young Sheffield children's benefit.
It was almost a tacit agreement – all games had had to come to a halt until Maxwell was ready to pull his head out of the sand.
Of course, as it was common knowledge, that moment only came along when Fran Fine did.
Fast forward to the months before Mr Sheffield finally grew a pair and asked Fran to marry him – Niles remembered he and Fran had had a falling out (it had been so long he simply couldn't remember the reason why, but it must have been something petty) and he and Miss Babcock had allied against Miss Fine.
He liked to think about this moment as the beginning of the end.
They'd bonded as friends immediately, turning the pranks which had originally been aimed at each other at Fran instead. For the time that followed, they'd been practically joined at the hip, from reading the cartoons in the morning paper together to taking evening pottery classes...
They'd been so...happy, really...that when he'd (perhaps rather boldly) asked her out to dinner, she'd said yes with barely any thought about it whatsoever!
They'd both ended up saying yes to more than just dinner that night. It had only been natural, when they'd both come back to the mansion for a nightcap after their meal...she'd looked so gorgeous, he hadn't been able to resist telling her so! And words had quickly become smiles and gestures, which evolved into light touches and kisses...they'd held hands as he'd led her upstairs, the two of them joking about how it was so late there was no sense in her going home that night – not when there was a perfectly good bed they could both be warming up...
When Niles thought about it on its own, he occasionally considered it one of the most magical nights of his life.
Unfortunately, in his mind it was more often than not attached to what had happened the next morning.
The morning that he had made up with Fran.
He didn't know why he'd automatically turned on C.C. again – he felt sick every time he remembered! He couldn't believe he'd been so callous – he could easily have returned to being Fran's friend and tried to make things work with C.C., but his mind's jump-to reaction was to dump her?!
It had left them back at a worse place than they'd already been. Their insults got harsher, the physical pranks a little more elaborate (and designed to humiliate as well as hurt), and the tension ran high very quickly whenever they were both in a room together. It had taken him an age to wonder if C.C. had truly been hurt by what he'd done then, but it had hurt him so much to think that he'd made it all happen, he could barely stand the thought in his head.
He had a similar reaction every time he thought about Fran and Maxwell's wedding, and the drunken, angry sex between him and C.C. that had come from it. He'd been lying awake in bed next to her for several hours, ignoring his hangover in favour of thinking absolutely everything over.
Thinking about all the countless years wasted in petty fights.
Thinking about the feelings he'd been trying to ignore for so long.
Thinking about how relinquishing her friendship in favour of Miss Fine's had been one of the worst mistake of his life, surpassed only by him not telling her that he loved her.
That he'd loved her for years…
When she'd eventually woken and seen him there, the humiliation in her eyes had been obvious enough without her having to gasp in shocked horror, but that was what she did. The more Niles thought about it, the more he felt she might've been more drunk than he'd been, and that would've been saying something!
She'd immediately tried to gather her things and leave after that. But he hadn't wanted her to go. He'd spent the time in between their two nights together deciding how he felt about her, and the last few hours had been a decision-making process.
So, he'd told her how much he loved her. That he might've always loved her, and that he would feel very much honoured if she would agree to be his wife.
Naturally, her reaction had been a cold, mocking laugh.
That had been the angriest and most mocking he thought he'd ever seen her. When his look had become questioning, she'd pointed out that he hadn't exactly acted like he'd ever loved her – even when they'd tried, he'd ended up ditching her to get Fran's friendship back! So, she said, she was paying him back, and dropping him like he had done to her. That she would never even consider a pathetic excuse for a man passing as a sub-par maid.
That had just made Niles (cringingly) angry, and as she'd turned to leave he'd called out to her. He could still remember the exact words...
"The second biggest mistake of my life. Clearly, the first was assuming that you have a heart!"
She had quit working at the mansion after that, and so had he. He supposed that neither one would've been able to stand the memories, nor the looks of pity coming from the Sheffields on the regular.
Two months later, he'd had the most unexpected call of his life. C.C. had tracked him down, not as he'd originally hoped (to reconcile), but to tell him that he was going to be a father.
He'd had to do a double take at first. Or maybe wait one or two seconds until his disoriented thoughts were put together in the form of a monosyllabic (and rather moronic) onomatopoeia: Huh?!
The next five minutes had changed his whole outlook on life.
For a moment – one glorious, hopeful moment – he'd seen an entire future together stretching ahead. He'd seen their wedding; the exchanging of vows and rings. He'd seen the upcoming months being spent together as her body changed and got rounder with impending motherhood. He'd seen himself holding her hand as she brought their child into the world...
But then reality had slapped him.
Actually, it had sucker-punched him straight in the face.
She'd informed him she didn't want him to be anywhere near her during the pregnancy. He was not to accompany her to her appointments or ultrasounds, he was not to be there at the delivery, and he'd only be able to see their children when she was out of the room.
He had voiced his complaints about that last part, and after several subsequent phone calls, one face-to-face meeting with C.C. and his mother (whom he'd suggested could be a neutral party in the settlement), and heeding the advice of their lawyers, they had eventually come up with the agreement they still had today – one of the twins would live with him, and the other with C.C..
He felt like a fool for having agreed – it truly was the most awful arrangement he'd ever heard, apart from the twenty five million that C.C. had transferred to him so that he might give his daughter (the one he'd raise) the same life C.C. could keep her in. But it had been the only way he'd ever be allowed to meet Mia. He'd figured that he'd soon meet both of his daughters, even if he only got to hold one of them for a few minutes, than have one he never met at all.
His mother, whom C.C. had agreed could help her out during her pregnancy, was a wonderful conduit for all of that time. She'd updated him regularly with details of how everything was going, how C.C. looked and how big her belly was looking.
That was the roundness he would never see in real life. The soft glow about her that he would never get to admire. The woman he would never get to love up-close...
The only part of her he'd be allowed to love would be the twin that he was given. And she was a great gift, in that sense – a reminder that he'd held the woman he loved in his arms. He was certain both his girls were beautiful, too – little miracles that he had to be grateful for, considering the fact that he'd once believed that he'd never have the chance for fatherhood at all.
It truly had been the most wonderful turn his life could've taken. And it might've happened amidst a whole lot of bad things, but he was grateful that he at least had his Lottie from it.
His girl. She'd be back soon enough, and he could distract himself from all of these thoughts again. They'd probably go for a day out – it would be her choice where they went, of course – and have lunch somewhere nice. He'd probably end up treating her by buying something that she'd see while they were out and about, too.
After all, no matter what was going on in his life, his little girl deserved nothing but the best. That went double for times when she had done something deserving of reward (such as completing a long journey away by herself).
It went doubly so for times when he was feeling sad, and particularly lucky to still have her with him, but he never told her that. It wasn't her burden to bear, knowing that he was lonely and that he missed her mother and sister more than anything in the world.
He put Lottie's picture down too, and sighed to himself again. In the photo, as in real life, she was completely oblivious of all the troubles surrounding her parents.
He was aiming to keep it that way as best he could, too. There was no sense in telling her about the past, particularly if that past couldn't possibly come back or be fixed.
The distant clicking of a pair of stilettos heels as they moved towards his office served as yet another sobering reminder that he had to move on. He had to at least try to...
He wasn't completely sure if this was the right way, but it was the only one he could of. It would help fill the gaping hole C.C. had left behind and it would provide Lottie with a motherly figure.
Or so he hoped...
He hadn't told his girl about this... new certain someone. Even if they'd been dating for about a year. He just hadn't found the right time (or, if he was being honest, the right way) to break the news to little Lottie. So he'd asked this new woman to be patient.
She'd been patient for a while, and when she'd become more insistent a diamond ring and the promise to marry her had been enough for her to comply with his wishes.
She still got on at him occasionally about telling Lottie. The wedding was so many (this last time it had been eight) weeks away, she said. They couldn't leave it until the last minute, she scolded. At this rate they'd be married by the time they'd told Lottie, she'd snapped.
The first time or so around, she'd also said something along the lines of not being able to wait to see the look on Lottie's face – she was, he presumed, imagining his girl to be delighted.
He didn't know about that so much, but he supposed he knew why he hadn't gotten on with telling Lottie.
It was the same reason that, despite everything being paid for already and his bride-to-be already having had her dress fitted, he hadn't even been able to bring himself to go out and buy himself a good suit for the day.
It was, no doubt, because of jitters. It had to be, right? It couldn't be cold feet!
Doing those final things, like telling the most important person in his life, or buying the outfit he'd need for the day, were both two things that would make it all completely real, and the more he thought about how this was his future coming so close, the more he dragged his feet.
But what other choice did he have than to fight his way through the nagging (unwarranted, he told himself) thoughts? Dragging his feet to a new in place life showed his determination after all, no matter how jittery he got. And it was better than staying stuck in a place that was weighing on him and pulling him down, wasn't it?
He certainly thought so. Just like he certainly thought that things would get better once they were married. He'd be over it all as soon as the vows were out.
He had to be.
He'd move on at last, which he symbolically thought to himself as he put the photographs away in his desk's top drawer again.
He always kept it locked, too, which was just as well, considering the fact that the woman (his fiancée, he thought as his chest tightened) who'd just come to his office doorway wouldn't want to see them.
He managed to put the key away just as she'd arrived, and he greeted her with as much of a smile as he could manage, given what he'd just been thinking about.
He made it a wide one. She'd no doubt distract him from the thoughts before – she was so beautiful, and lively, and always wanting to do things and to have good things in her life.
It kept him on his toes, that was for sure!
And he liked it that way. They'd no doubt get right into a great marriage and a wonderful adventure soon enough, and she'd be his loving and caring wife. He'd look after her, and she'd look after him, in her own way.
They'd have their life as an adoring married couple, and there would be no more talk or even thinking of what had gone on before. They'd be fine, Lottie would be fine, their home would be fine...
Yes. Everything was going to be just fine…