So should we commence with operation dump boyfriend? I think so. I have a million ideas of how to do this, but I can't seem to stand grounded on just one. Possibly I shall have to combine. This could be interesting.

Chapter 10: Rooftops and Invitations

I never thought of myself as a really attractive person. Sure, I had boys waiting in line to date me all throughout junior high and high school, but I never felt very good about myself. I was once told that beauty could only be gained by believing in myself. I suppose that is true. Why would those authors and doctors be so rich off of the philosophy if it wasn't true?

I was also told once, by Alex actually, that using the right "moves" any girl could be turned gay. I just needed to work on my "moves". Those were her words, not mine. I think we had discussed that once last year when I had first confessed by deepest secret. I'm still worried though. What if the one person I truly want, or care about, turns out to be completely straight? This is my constant thought process now.

Well at least for the past 24 hours. I have been wallowing all morning, almost dreading my upcoming "date"ish type thing. My voice coach even noticed that something was up. He actually thinks it's a good thing that I'm a little more down than usual. Apparently it gives my singing more passion. I guess depression can do that to a person. Not that I'm depressed, just a little jagged.

I am also the queen of wasting time. Sitting in the library, I felt my phone vibrate from inside my bag. Alex was trying to call me. Guess I had better answer if before she flips out.

"What's up Alex?" I walked outside to the sunlight, hoping that possibly today could be rainy, but not in LA. It's hardly ever rainy here. It's a real bitch when you're having one of those days.

"I just thought you would like to know that your girl has been here for like an hour already. Are you supposed to be meeting her or what?"

"I told her I would see her at 4."

"Ashley, do you realize that it's almost fucking 5 o'clock?"

"What?! Shit now she is going to hate me. Does she look pissed?"

"Actually not really. Has she tried calling you? I've seen her check her phone a few times."

"I don't know. I've been in the library. It was a miracle I noticed that you were calling."

"Well I would suggest calling her like 10 minutes ago and apologizing. And get your ass over here asap. I'm serious." Alex hung up the phone. I hate that she is always right. And I hate that I spaced out that badly. I can't believe that it's an hour past when I was going to meet Spencer. This is the one time that I'm not early for something. I can waste time like nobody's business, but I'm never late for anything.

I try calling Spencer, but no answer. What is going on? First time goes far faster than normal and now the girl waiting for me isn't answering the phone. She must really hate me. I would hate me. So I walk as fast as humanly possibly down to the coffee shop.

As I open the door I notice that Spencer is still there. She is sitting in the back corner at a table for two. If this moment in my life isn't the script for the next big lifetime movie than I don't know what is. This is just too perfect, despite the fact that the girl sitting there has no idea what I'm feeling. Or does she? She glances over and catches my eye. I notice a hint of sadness but also a glimmer of hope as she smiles.

I walk over to the table and sit down. "I am so so so sorry! I have no excuses for being so late. Have I said that I'm sorry?"

"Oh it's ok. I was just sitting here, thinking. No need to be sorry." I can't believe how calm she is. If this was the other way around I would be flipping out.

"Are you sure? That was totally rude of me to not even call. I mean I tried to call when I figured out that I was late, but you didn't answer. Do you hate me?" Ok so maybe I shouldn't have thrown that out there, but hey it's better to cover all my bases.

"No I don't hate you! And my phone died so I wouldn't have known if you called. That's why I didn't call you, I couldn't."

She looks so pretty. I don't think she did anything special with her hair today, it's just normal, but that's what makes her so beautiful. The simplicity in her look intrigues me. The silence went on for probably only a few seconds, but I still felt a little awkward.

"Would you like a refill? I'm going to go get something." I needed to consult with Alex before I made a fool of myself. If I do this alone I might just end up dying.

So I head up to the counter with Spencer's coffee cup. My mission is to get out of here unscathed.

"I see you two are still on speaking terms. Lucky for you she seems like a fairly relaxed person." Alex handed me my usual and refilled Spencer's cup.

"Yeah, I don't get it, but she isn't even mad at me for being late. What do I do now?"

"What do you mean? You have to just be her friend. Talk to her, get to know her. Pretend that you're just talking to me or Kyla and you'll be fine."

"I can't do that! You see how I get when I'm around her."

"Yeah you get a little shiny. Maybe you should work on that."

"Funny Alex, really funny. You know I can blame you for all of this."

"Oh? How so?"

"You were the one that told me to ask her to go out with us that night. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess."

"Yes, but because of me you could meet the love of your life. Now stop trying to argue with me and go talk to her. Idiot."

The walk back to our table felt like the scene from Dead Man Walking when Sean Penn is being lead to his execution. This really shouldn't be so hard. I shouldn't feel like I'm being put on trail or sentenced to death. I'm just going to shake it off and pretend like this is no big deal.

"So how do you like your apartment? It looked pretty nice." And I break the ice with my smooth conversational skills. They are very much lacking.

"I love that apartment. It's just too bad that I have to move. And soon. Ever since my roommate left last semester it's been really hard paying the rent. My lease is up and I have to find a place to go. It's so hard trying to live by yourself around here. Rent is just so high and not to mention it gets sort of lonely."

"Wow, I had no idea. Do you have any options right now or are you still looking?" My mind is suddenly going crazy. Kyla and I share a small two bedroom, but we could cram in a third right?

"Well Jason is trying to convince his roommates to let me crash there, but you know guys."

"Actually, no I don't really but why would you want to live with them anyways?"

"I don't really want to live there, but what else do I have? Most of my friends either moved away or already have their living situations figured out. I supposed I'm always the odd one out. Sort of the fifth wheel."

"Well I know this is going to sound crazy, but why don't you come live with me? Kyla won't mind and it will be so much better than living with a bunch of filthy guys."

"Seriously? I don't want to impose on you guys." With those eyes I could never say no. They are pleading with me to say; of course you can live with me. If only she knew what her eyes were saying to me. We might not be in this situation if she did.

"You would not be imposing. Kyla loves company. She can move into my room and you can have hers. Or we could work it out another way, whatever you want." I would like you to bunk in my room, but I won't come out and say it just yet.

"Oh my god! Ashley you are a life saver!! This is going to be so much fun."

All I could do was smile. I think this is a huge break through for me. I mean I just invited Spencer to live with me. Not such a big step for the ordinary person, but for me this is a giant big foot step.

I had better call Kyla.

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer

- Dashboard Confessional, Rooftops and Invitations