Beyond Recall

A/N: Thank you so much for your response to the last chapter! It was very encouraging. Hope you like this chapter! Please let me know!

Now, I'm aware that not everyone will have seen the Merlin finale, so I have a master plan. I am going to rant/talk/muse about it at the end of this chapter, but I'll leave lots of dots above and beneath it so that if you're trying to avoid spoilers, it'll be easy.

Chapter 10

It was like all his senses had stopped working. He knew that there were hundreds of people gathered in the hall, but he couldn't see them; he knew that there was a drone of voices beginning to bubble up in the air, but he couldn't hear it. He knew that he was standing on the throne platform, but he struggled to gain any sensation of his feet being planted firmly on the ground.

All he was really aware of was the person kneeling in front of him. A person so familiar that Arthur felt a crush of memories swamp him. A cliff-edge, the crack of bone on rock; water swallowing up a lifeless figure. He stared at the man in front of him and couldn't deny that he looked exactly like Merlin. Maybe not wearing the same clothes as he normally did, but everything else was so achingly familiar that Arthur felt his throat close up and his hands begin to shake where they were raised slightly towards the man.

'Sire?' the man that looked like Merlin asked, his voice quiet and fearful, but so recognisable. Arthur took a shuddering breath. He had begun to forget what Merlin sounded like. Just yesterday evening he had been sitting at his table trying to imagine Merlin's comments on the meetings of the day, only to feel a panic of grief when he realised he couldn't completely remember his friend's voice. The way he would say some words seemed to stay rooted in Arthur's memory, but as for making up whole new parts of a conversation, Arthur had found that he couldn't do it.

And now that voice was speaking, making Arthur wonder how he could have forgotten it. But the single word brought Arthur out of whatever frozen shock had rooted him for several seconds. He took two steps back, shaking his head and trying to organise his thoughts. This wasn't possible; Merlin was dead. He had seen him fall, had grieved for him, had done everything he could to try and hold onto his friend's memory, and now here he seemed to be. But it wasn't true; it couldn't be, and this was a cruel game for someone to play.

Anger surging in him, he looked over at Tiden. He tried to control the sensations sweeping through him; this was, after all, his first meeting with Tiden; he couldn't afford to create bad feeling, but his emotions were beginning to rage.

'What is the meaning of this?' he asked the King, his voice level and calm, though inside his heart pounded. For a moment, an equal anger seemed to pass through Tiden as he looked at Merlin, but it was quickly covered to be replaced with what appeared to be very genuine confusion.

'I don't understand the insinuation King Arthur,' he returned, his voice even and respectful. The calm response threw Arthur and he found himself looking back at the imposter; an imposter who had left the offered gift on the floor and was beginning to rise to his feet, a look of fear and confusion on his face. Arthur looked away; it was too familiar. Instead, his eyes sought out Guinevere's. Taking the hint she walked over to him until she was right beside him. Her eyes moved between Arthur and Merlin until they eventually rested on her husband's face. In a voice so quiet that only Arthur could hear, she whispered, 'You can not do this here.' Arthur suddenly became aware of the rest of the room. The Cyathian's were looking on in confusion, but there was also fear in their expressions; while the people of Camelot seemed to divide their focus between their King and the all-too-familiar servant. Guinevere was right: whatever was going on, he could not do this here.

'My apologies King Tiden,' he said. 'Your people are free to settle themselves into the castle, but I would ask that you remain.'

'As you wish, Arthur,' Tiden nodded.

The hall cleared remarkably quickly and while it did, Arthur seated himself on his throne with Guinevere next to him. He refused to look at the servant and instead took Guinevere's hand and held it tightly. She squeezed it gently, but he could see her from the corner of his eye; she was smiling as she looked at Merlin, her focus on him completely and joy in her eyes. Arthur couldn't bring himself to fall into the same relief. He just couldn't risk being wrong.

'Sir Gwaine, Sir Leon; I'd like you to stay.' He turned to Tiden. 'You are, of course, welcome to keep some of your party here.' The king nodded and quickly selected two men who looked to be his advisors and two of his royal guard. The rest of the hall emptied, leaving only the echo of the door filling the empty space.

'Is there a problem, Arthur?' Tiden asked after a few seconds. Arthur paused before replying. He considered getting up from his throne, but he suddenly felt incredibly weak. He remained where he was and asked a question in response to Tiden's.

'Who is this man?' he asked, pointing and yet not looking at the servant. From the corner of his eye, Arthur could make out the man shifting nervously, just like… He shook his head.

'He is my manservant,' Tiden replied cautiously. 'Why do you ask?'

Arthur surveyed the king carefully, weighing up the words, his expression, his body language.

'Nearly two months ago, my manservant, who looked exactly like this man, was killed in an accident.'

At the words, something passed across Tiden's face and another spark of anger seemed to flick through it momentarily as he snapped his gaze to the servant.

'That is a coincidence, considering that this man has only been in my service for just under two months.'

'What?' Arthur asked quietly, shocked at the reply. Surely if this was some sick game then the king wouldn't begin to corroborate Arthur's version of events. He looked at the servant again, to find fearful eyes staring back at him. Arthur felt his breathing quicken as he considered the possibility. The man in front of him looked exactly like Merlin, was exactly like Merlin.

'This man was pulled from the Bernt river, nearly drowned, by two of my own men.'

'But…' Arthur got to his feet, trying not to show how much effort the movement required, and took several quick steps until he was standing in front of the servant. He looked closely at the man's forehead and saw a small scar in the same place where Merlin's head had connected with the rock. This was… No. He moved back and turned on Tiden.

'My manservant, if he survived the accident, would have made his way back to Camelot as soon as he was able,' Arthur told him, trying to quell the sudden hope that was beginning to flutter in his chest. He couldn't do this; he couldn't allow himself to believe and then have Merlin snatched from him again.

'Not if he didn't remember Camelot,' Tiden replied. 'This man has no memory of the last six years of his life.' Arthur paused again, allowing the words to sink in, testing them for their truth, but he knew within himself that his doubts were crumbling away. He took several deep breaths, his eyes focussing on some point beyond the room. And then, ever so slowly, hope just beginning to flow through his veins, Arthur turned around to look at the man behind him.

To look at Merlin.

He tried to speak, tried to say anything as he took a few steps forward, but he knew that if he did his voice would shake. Instead, he settled for reaching out a hand and placing it on Merlin's shoulder.

Confusion wasn't a strong enough word to describe what Merlin was feeling. He had thought that waking up in the forest to discover he was missing years of memories had been disorientating, but this felt like any anchoring he had concerning himself had been ripped away, leaving him adrift in a sea of questions that he didn't really want to ask.

He was uncomfortably aware of the King's hand on his shoulder and eyed it nervously, which caused the King to snatch it away.

'Sire,' Merlin began slowly, respectfully. 'Are you saying that I know you? That I lived here, in Camelot?' The king swallowed and looked like he was going to reply, but instead he stepped back and nodded at one of his knights, Sir Gwaine if Merlin remembered correctly. The knight walked over; he was shaking his head in disbelief, but grinning manically at the same time. For one terrible moment, Merlin thought the knight was going to hug him, but he seemed to think better of it and instead slung an arm around his shoulder.

'You've come back from plenty in the past Merlin, but this has got to top all of them.'

'Are we…friends?' Merlin asked uncertainly.

'Course. You taught me everything I know.' Merlin wasn't convinced at all; he found it hard to believe that he was friends with a knight, but then, at the moment, everything was hard to believe. How could he have lived in Camelot; not just in Camelot, but in the castle as the King's manservant? None of it made any sense. He was a sorcerer; why would he work for the King of a kingdom that would see all magic users dead?

Not only that, it was obvious that the King was highly affected by seeing him; even now, it was clear that the young ruler was struggling. Merlin wasn't sure how he knew that, but he did. He could see it in the smallest of gestures: the way the man's eyes darted back and forth every now and then, the slight hesitation when he moved or spoke. Merlin shook his head against the thoughts; how could he possibly know these things? But he couldn't deny it.

'My apologies, Tiden,' Arthur was saying. He had resumed his firm stance, and his voice was once again full of authority, but Merlin knew the man was looking for a way out. 'This new turn of events took me by surprise.'

'I can sympathise,' Tiden replied and something in the way he said it made Merlin feel slightly unsure of himself.

'I don't wish to delay you any further,' he continued, levity suddenly appearing in his voice. 'Sir Leon will lead you to your quarters. Sir Gwaine, perhaps if you…' he gestured towards Merlin, barely meeting the knight's eyes. Merlin saw Gwaine narrow his eyes at the king, a sigh escaping him as he nodded in understanding. 'That is of course if you don't mind, Tiden,' Arthur added.

'No, I'm sure Merlin has a lot to catch up on. If you could bring him to my quarters shortly,' Tiden said, looking to Gwaine.

'Of course, Sire,' the knight nodded, inclining his head.

'That's settled then. Leon, if you could lead King Tiden and then send a messenger to Ealdor…'

'Ealdor?' Merlin all but shouted, before levelling his voice. 'My mother, is she…'

'Gaius is with her-' Merlin frowned at the unfamiliar name '-but she thinks you're dead and I'd like to reassure her,' the King explained, still without looking at Merlin. Merlin felt guilt fill him at the thought of his mother believing her son was dead. He should have contacted her. 'Leon?' the King asked.

'Of course, Sire. I'll send one straight away.'

Thank you,' Arthur nodded. 'If you'll excuse me...'

Both kings nodded to each other and then Arthur held out his hand to his wife and made his way off the platform. The Queen was giving her husband a look of anxiety, but she hid it when it was clear Arthur was not going to respond. The couple walked forward. Arthur didn't look at Merlin; in fact, he seemed to put every effort into pretending that he wasn't there. He waited for Tiden, James, Steven and the guards to leave the hall and then followed them out. The Queen turned back as they walked towards the door and Merlin frowned in confusion at the smile that she beamed at him, before the party disappeared from the room, leaving Merlin alone with Sir Gwaine.

Merlin eyed the knight suspiciously. The man was still watching the doorway where the king had just been. There was something like disappointment on his face, but it disappeared as he turned to Merlin with a grin. Before Merlin knew what was happening, the knight was pulling him into an embrace, laughing to himself.

'Oh, Merlin. Do you know the hell you've put us through the last few weeks?'

'Erm…sorry…' he shrugged as the knight moved back, feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

'You're alive, that's enough for me. Just to check, this whole memory loss thing is real isn't it?'

'What do you mean?' Merlin frowned.

'I mean, it's not part of some master plan to protect Arthur or Camelot is it?'

'Why…how…?' Merlin stumbled over his words.

'Well, it's the sort of thing you'd do.'

Merlin shook his head, feeling panic start to rise up in him. He wished the knight would stop acting like he knew him.

'I don't remember anything,' he told him firmly.

'Alright,' Gwaine said, holding his hands out in a more open way. 'It's alright. I was just kinda hoping it might be an act.'

'I wish it was.'

'Well, now you're here, maybe the memories will come back.'

'Perhaps,' Merlin nodded. 'But they haven't so far.'

'Once Arthur talks to you, whenever he does that,' the knight muttered, almost to himself, 'you might find them coming back.'

'Was I really the King's manservant?'

'Manservant, advisor, friend, target practice. Everything really.' Gwaine grinned at him again, but the news only made Merlin feel nervous. Why was he working for the King of Camelot? And what was their relationship if that was how one of his closest knights described it?

'I…' Merlin began to say, but a rush of emotions swamped him, a terrible feeling that his life in Cyathia was, after all, a life that was not his, not the one that he should be living.

'Why don't you take a seat?' Gwaine suggested. For one alarming moment, Merlin thought the knight meant the throne, but the man sat down on the steps behind them. For a moment, Merlin felt uncertain, but eventually he took up a seat beside the knight and soon found himself resting his arms on his knees, his head held between his hands as he stared at the floor and felt a crush of emotions flood him.

'Can you fill me in on a few things?' he asked after several moments' silence. He glanced at Gwaine briefly, but then looked down again.

'I'll do my best.'

Merlin asked a few questions, but he found that he was reluctant to find out too much. He asked what had happened to him and how he had ended up in the Bernt river. He asked more about how he had become manservant to the king –a story which Gwaine related with much amusement, explaining that he was retelling it as Merlin had told him years ago. He asked about why he had come to Camelot, but the knight seemed unsure of the reasons, and told Merlin that Gaius would be the one to ask -Gaius, who was apparently Merlin's mentor and teacher and something akin to a surrogate father. Merlin wondered if the physician –as Gwaine had explained he was- had been the one teaching Merlin magic; he had evidently invested a lot in Merlin, perhaps it was because he knew of the magical abilities he possessed. For it became obvious, very quickly, that Gwaine knew nothing of Merlin's magic. The man neither mentioned magic nor eluded to it in any way and Merlin guessed that, if the knight knew, he would want to ensure that a Merlin-without-memory was aware of that fact.

So it was that by the time Merlin finished receiving the answers to the few questions he had asked, he felt no more reassured than he had done beforehand. If anything, he felt even more confused. He sighed heavily and sat up on the steps, looking at the knight. The man's face was sympathetic; he gave a shrug.

'Best I can do, I'm afraid.'

'I appreciate it,' Merlin nodded. They sat in silence for several long seconds, but the quietness felt crushing. He shook his head, looked around the hall of Camelot with all its vibrant banners and gleaming walls and tried to imagine himself having been here before, but he couldn't do it.

'I have no idea who I am,' he whispered, the words seeming to echo back, taunting him again and again.

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SPOILERS

It was so sad! I can't believe that they actually killed Arthur. I genuinely thought that Merlin would find a way to save him. I kept on telling my self he would, and then he didn't!

That said, I thought it was an absolutely brilliant episode! The bromance in it was excellent. Colin Morgan and Bradley James just gave it their all and it was beautiful to watch. The reveal was done so well, and I'm really glad that Merlin told him, rather than Arthur just finding out. And Arthur's change over the episode was very believable, with everything that needed to be said, being said in just the right way. I think my favourite thing in the episode, though, was the way Arthur looked at Merlin the whole way through it, but especially in the second half. He said so much in the way he looked at Merlin. It was like he was seeing him for the first time in every glance; like he couldn't believe and yet couldn't deny what Merlin could do and had been doing.

I was initially quite disappointed with how it all ended, but in retrospect, I think it was very brave of them to do what they did, and they did it so well! And there's always fanfiction to rewrite it all anyway!

Anyway, that's enough of a rant. Any thoughts from anyone else?

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