Author's Note: I wrote a quick thing for Star Wars Day. Happy Star Wars Day, y'all.

...

The school hallways grew exceptionally cramped. Students paused in mid-stride to class. Heads turned toward the sound of a growing argument. As the voices raised, a concerned Wendy Testaburger shoved her way to the front of the onlookers. She found Stan and Kyle in the middle of the hall. They were practically standing nose to nose as they bickered. Wendy was relieved to find that at least no punches had been thrown yet.

"Hey!" Wendy called out. "What's going on? What are you guys fighting about?"

Stan and Kyle turned toward Wendy to answer her. "Star Wars!" they barked in unison.

"...Seriously?" Wendy did her best to mask a sigh of disappointment. They could have been debating politics. Spirituality. Even sports teams for fuck's sake! Leave it to boys to fight over something so inconsequential. Demonstrating great patience, Wendy asked "Okay, what about Star Wars?"

Stan answered. "Wendy, please explain to Kyle that Star Wars Day is May fourth. He's not getting it."

Kyle glared at Stan. "Wendy? Would you please explain to Stanley here-"

"Don't call me Stanley!" Stan interrupted. He hated the usage of his full name, and Kyle knew as much.

Kyle continued. "Tell him that Star Wars Day is actually May twenty fifth!"

Stan scoffed. "It's 'May the Fourth be with you', Kyle. Disney even recognizes the holiday on the fourth. Star Wars Day has a proud, rich history dating all the way back to 2011. You can't just go changing that!"

Kyle countered without hesitation. Years of debate club had prepared him for moments like these. "May twenty fifth is the original release date and the release date of Solo. That's why California declared that date Star Wars Day back in 2007, asshole! I think that's a little more credible than some stupid pun."

"You just want Star Wars Day to be closer to your birthday!" Stan accused.

"I do not!"

Wendy took a much-needed deep breath. "Okay. Well, why don't you two just celebrate on both days? If you love the franchise so much then there's no wrong time to enjoy it, right?"

Stan and Kyle momentarily pondered this. Then, they both looked at Wendy as if her shoulders had sprouted a second head.

"No, see you aren't getting it either..." Stan dismissed.

Wendy's reply was drowned out as other students began chiming in on the issue. Scott Malkinson argued that actual film release dates meant nothing; citing Friday the 13th being originally released on the ninth. Butters Stotch pointed out that Star Wars fans also disagreed on whether it was Revenge Of The Fifth or Revenge Of The Sixth. Bebe Stevens and Jimmy valmer somehow started arguing Robocop versus Terminator instead. The goth kids shrugged uncaring, and slipped out the nearest exit to go have a smoke. Craig Tucker mentioned that holiday films are released out of season all the time, but Tweek Tweak argued that in-universe dates weren't relevant in this case like they were in holiday movies.

A loud whistle from Kevin Stoley finally silenced the hostile crowd.

"There's clearly only one way to settle this."

/

Stan played to the crowd; swinging with expert precision. Years of playing a galiant knight brandishing a sword had prepared him for this battle. Kyle responded by displaying his recent ninjitsu training to the spectators on the playground; quickly spinning his own weapon like a bright kendo stick. At the moment, he was glad his mother had forced him into taking the lessons. Ironically, the course was meant to help Kyle control his temper. So much for that.

Off on the sidelines, Wendy facepalmed, hoping that this stupidity would be over with soon. "So you just, what, carry around multiple lightsabers in your backpack?"

Kevin Stoley stammered for a moment. He wasn't used to girls speaking to him. "I...WeLL...Well yeah. You know, for emergencies and stuff. Doesn't everyone?"

Butters served as the fight's referee, if only because he still had the appropriate outfit leftover from their time playing backyard wrestlers. "Okay! Stan versus Kyle, winner gets Star Wars Day! And...Fight!"

The best friends battle-cried as they charged one another. Matching green lightsabers collided to the tune of internal sound chips. The weapons bent as each boy swung unsuccessfully at vital organs. The problem with fighting your best friend is that they knew you too well. Stan and Kyle anticipated each other's movements. Each other's reactions. Each other's strategies.

Fatigue soon set in. The impromptu duel took its toll on the combatants. The lightsabers suddenly felt heavier in their hands. Sweaty palms desperately tried to retain their grips as the boys fenced to a continuous stalemate. The sound chips burned out, leaving only bloodthirsty fanboy screams filling the air. With his asthma kicking in, Stan knew he had to deliver a death blow sooner rather than later. He reared back and swung!

Kyle dodged the blow, but Kenny McCormck didn't.

Gushing blood stained the previously green lightsaber. Widened, betrayed eyes stared into Stan's soul as Kenny's head became detached from his body. Kenny's limp corpse fell to the pavement. His head rolled around past the feet of numerous shocked students.

"Oh my god, I killed Kenny!" Stan cried.

"You bastard!" Kyle replied.

A confused Stan glanced down at his weapon. He looked to Kevin Stoley next. "Kevin! What the fuck?! I thought these were plastic lightsabers from the toy store!"

"They are!" Kevin cocked his head to the side; just as confused and shocked as the others were.

With guilt overtaking him, Stan laid down his weapon. Kenny shouldn't have died for Star Wars Day. No one should have had to. Kyle could have this victory.

Fortunately for Stan, Kyle put down his lightsaber next. He didn't want to win like this.

"You know Kyle, I've learned something today. Star Wars Day isn't about dates, or movies, or any of that. It's about being good to one another. And giving and loving."

Kyle blinked. "...No, dude. That's Christmas again."

"Oh. Then what's Star Wars Day about?"

"Corporations trying to raise brand awareness through film references on Twitter.", Wendy explained.

Kyle and Stan approached one another. They once again stood face to face, but this time, they hugged it out. The crowd surrounding them groaned; hoping to see more bloodshed. As the now-uninterested students dispersed, Stan, Kyle and Wendy remained on the playground. After taking a puff from his inhaler, Stan came up with an idea.

"Kyle, we should compromise. How about you watch Star Wars with me on the fourth, and...We'll have a Star Wars themed birthday party for you this year."

Wendy smiled; happy that the silly boys had made peace. "I'll come too. I can wear my Chewbacca mask."

Kyle nodded before hugging both Stan and Wendy. "That sounds a lot better than fighting. I'm sorry you guys."

"I'm sorry too." Stan said. Together they headed back into school; leaving the rats to feast on Kenny's lifeless body.

The End