Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own the plot.
A very special thanks to Verucasin, beta – extraordinaire.
AN:
This chapter is by far the longest, but I was growing a little impatient and I just didn't know where the hell to end the damn thing. I have spit the chapter into two and I will post it back to back. This is PART I. So I give you a little more than usual, including a few minor details about what Edward is battling. I might also have been slightly inspired by RL, see for yourself. So now sit back and enjoy.
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Chapter Ten
PART I
The bright light in the room woke me. Edward was behind me in a classic spooning position. I stretched, feeling a little sore; it felt like I hadn't moved an inch while I slept. All my muscles were locked and stiff. Well, maybe the soreness wasn't all from the sleep. A smile pulled at my face, remembering last night's event. It had been an earth-shatteringly shocking experience having sex with Edward. I knew he was intense, but never in a million years had I thought he would be able to consume me like he had. Edward had been amazing, better than I ever dreamed of. He was so confident and so in-tuned to all my senses and every mood between us. I closed my eyes and let memories of last night steal my mind away. Images lit the fire inside of me again. Images of Edward, his face as he watched me, my reactions to his touch and to all that I did with him. I felt my inner thighs start to burn again. In my mind I could see him braced over me, moving firmly against me, with me, as he held my arms over my head. I felt the muscles in my legs start to tighten and I started squirming as I remembered how the energy had exploded from deep inside of my belly. The warmth moved across every cell, every fiber of who I was and I had felt a surge of pleasure taking control of me, making it tingle from my finger tips to my toes. And I knew he watched me as I unraveled beneath him.
"What are you thinking?" Edward's voice thick with sleep startled me a bit. His body was still shaped around mine, warm and comfortable; his arm was protectively locked around my waist holding me to him. The feeling of skin against skin was utterly enticing as none of us had bothered to put clothes back on last night.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" I croaked. I bit my lips as I was caught dead reminiscing our heated carnal night.
"Sort of... you er... moved. What's on your mind?" He pushed, the question was loaded with innuendos and I was sure he knew exactly where my mind had wandered off to.
"You know what." I whispered as my heart started pounding and my cheeks heated. "I was thinking about last night. About you. How nice it was." I murmured. A shot of electricity bolted through my veins and I squirmed against his body, feeling our flesh touching. His hand at my stomach moved over my chest and came to rest over my thundering heart.
"Do I do that to you?" He asked, whispering in my ear. He seemed exuberant at the idea.
"You do. It's like you're inside my head. You sort of do or say everything I need to feel or hear, before I realize it is what I need. Does that make sense? It feels so intense, a little freakish sometimes." I glanced over my shoulder, brushing my eyes over his stunning face.
Edward started laughing softly. "So I am freakishly intense?"
"You are." I admitted.
His face faltered and drew serious for a moment. "I'm sorry for being freakishly intense." He stared directly at me, his green eyes boring straight through me and I just stared back completely stunned. His face cracked and he released a carefree laugh that echoed through the room. I couldn't help but join in. We just laid there on the bed, laughing in each other's arms, stripped down to nothing, post coital glow and everything and I was comfortable. I enjoyed it, no it was more, and I loved it.
Like a striking lightning, I felt a horrible guilt shoot through me. I suddenly felt an extreme remorse for my irresponsible and callus action. I shouldn't be allowed to feel this happy; I shouldn't have allowed myself to get caught up in his charm. The smile faltered immediately. I might be healing and enjoying Edward's company, but I had been completely reckless and had slept with a man I had known for what? Two weeks. And I had loved every tiny second of it. I had disgraced Jacob's memory, what Jake and I had been with my careless and moronic attempt to dull my pain. What had seemed like the perfect solution to healing my broken heart now appeared more like my doom. The guilt was crushing and all consuming. What had I done? I rolled to my back and tried to push back the tears, I needed to concentrate hard to stop them from falling.
Edward was immediately aware of the change in my mood. He popped up on his elbow and gazed down at me with his glorious green eyes. I could see he understood completely what had just happened. Like he had expected this somehow, he was prepared for it.
"It's okay, you know. You don't need to feel guilty." His voice was soft as a whisper. He pushed a strand of hair away from my face. I stared at the ceiling unwilling to look at him. He couldn't take this away also. I needed to feel this excruciating guilt to remember my place in life, to remind me of what I had lost and I so easily had pushed aside for the sake of my own fun. What kind of a person was I?
"But I do and I need to." I breathed. A small tear escaped the corner of my eye and a hard lump in my throat was making it hard to breathe.
"You're wrong. You don't need to, but I can see that you do feel guilt, but sometimes, Bella..." He paused. "Sometimes, if you want to hold on to something, you need to let it go." Edward's words were incredibility soft and slightly shocking. Did I really need to let Jacob go? The idea was so outrageous. All I had done over the past year was try to hold onto every little insignificant memory of my Jacob, of us. But strangely the man I hardly knew was the one who gave me everything that no-one could give me at home. He understood.
"I need to let him go?" I asked feebly, my voice trembling. In the back of my mind I suddenly saw that I already knew I had to set Jacob free. It was what I had decided when I started raking through all our memories.
"I think you may already have." He murmured as he stroked my hair.
I let his words sink in. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had let Jacob go and I could keep all that we had safe now. All that was mine, nobody could take that away from me. Perhaps that was why I was so freaked about the fact I had shamelessly climbed into bed with Edward. That I had engaged in this most primal and carnal act so easily.
"Like I said... freakishly intense." I tried to lighten the depressing mood by attempting to crack a joke. Edward didn't laugh though; he just kept stroking my hair.
"Do you need some time alone?" He asked, his voice was silky with nothing but understanding. Again, he knew what I needed before I had even thought about it.
"Yes... yes I need a little time alone" I agreed complacent. I started to get up from the bed, but Edward stopped me.
"I'll be here if you need me." He chastely kissed my forehead and let me go.
I went through the room, picking up my underwear and shorts, putting them on as I went. I realized my t-shirt was on the front porch where it was dropped yesterday. Edward had quietly put his shorts back on and was at the door. How strange the mood had gone from light, cheerful and desire-filled to what resembled the mood in a funeral home.
"I'll see you." I said, feeling guilty towards Edward, just as I did for Jacob. He didn't need to put up with my manic depressive mood swings.
"It'll be okay, I promise." His voice was low and warm. He touched my cheek and wiped one of the tears that had escaped my eye. He opened the door for me and I went out onto the porch to pick up my t-shirt. I heard the door close behind me with an almost silent click. I snatched my t-shirt, and pulled it over my head. As I left the porch, I bent down and picked up Edward's and took it with me.
I entered my own hut with tears streaming down my face, but somehow I was strangely okay. I just realized needed to put the finishing touches on the mental boxes. Then I would be done. I would be able to have a life now. I would be free of all the grief, the paralyzing pain and the shock that Jacob had died so young and so suddenly. Edward was right, I didn't need to feel guilt, and it was just an automatic response. It was who I was, I reacted according to a pattern I knew so well, instead of embracing the new opportunities life was throwing at me.
I put Edward's t-shirt on the top of my suitcase and went to lie down on my bed. I put my arms around my knees and closed my eyes. Images of my life with Jacob started flashing through my mind, some more difficult than others. Images from our time in high school and college, parties, family gatherings, movies we had seen and concerts we had gone to. Nights we had shared, dreams and wishes for the future we had built. Pictures of our house I had sold were mixed in there too. Wedding and funeral images were intense, but I was still okay. No hysterical outbursts, no painful screams, no blocking the memories, just silent tears that slowly ran across my face emptying the pool of tears I had for Jacob's death. I put the lid on the boxes, so I could keep them safe, just for me.
I felt uplifted but still sad somehow. I had said goodbye to the most important part of me -the thing that had been my entire existence for so long, the thing that had defined me. It left me feeling empty. I had found a new way to be, it just made me sad this new way of being was hollow because it was so new. Now I just needed to fill this new being with a substance. I was ready for a new start.
I splashed some water on my face. I grabbed a towel and dried my face. I stared at my own reflection. I didn't look any different. I still had the same unevenly shaped lips; my cheekbones were still placed high on my face. I still had long brown hair framing my features. I stopped at my eyes. They were still the same brown color, but there was something there, underneath the surface. The dead zombie-like expression was gone. I could see life in my eyes again. Like a flame had been lit and the darkness had been chased away. I smiled. I watched the lines change, my lips pushing my cheeks up forming the expression. I touched my face with my fingertips. Surely I felt the smile with my hands, the lines on my face felt right, they were placed according to the reflection I saw. I really was smiling, with bright and shining eyes. All the sadness was washed away.
I took my clothes off and stepped in the shower. I finished quickly as I was eager to see Edward. I wanted to show my new smile and my sparkling bright eyes. I dried off quickly leaving my hair hanging heavy and wet down my back. I didn't bother to dry it properly; the heat would take care of that soon enough. I found a clean set of underwear, a skirt and tank top.
On my way out I spotted my camera. I hadn't taken a single picture while I'd been here. Inspiration hit me and I linked the camera cord around my wrist. Outside, Edward had left another note for me. I picked up the paper, and quietly read his words.
Come see me when you're ready.
I'm here for you always.
Edward
I glanced towards Edward's place and found him on the porch. He sat in one of the deck chairs leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He was watching me intensely. I knew he was waiting for me. He ran his fingers through his hair like a nervous tick. And boy, did he look nervous when I looked closer. He was fidgeting, palms rubbing furiously against each other. He looked like someone about to open his SAT scores knowing he was in big trouble. I couldn't wait to tell him there was no trouble. Not in this paradise, not today at least.
I gave him a quick wave, to let him know I was coming. I put my shoes on, walked the few steps down to the hot sand. My eyes were on Edward as the space between us diminished. He moved from the chair, to stand at the top of the stairs leading to the porch, leading towards him. His shoulder was braced against the wall. He really was anxious, not only from afar, but up close it was even more obvious. I could even see his chest, moving in erratic jerks.
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him with my new and clear eyes. There was no haziness. He was absolutely breathtaking. I smiled.
"Thank you" I breathed the words, taking the first step.
"Are you okay?" He asked while I took the second step. His eyes were utterly concerned, evaluating every inch of my face.
"I'm perfect." I answered and ascended the third step. He didn't look convinced. "Truly I am." My foot was touching the fourth step, just one step between us. His eyes were burning into mine, weighing the odds of me being fine compared to my flash breakdown this morning. He bit down on his lip, scrutinizing if I was being truthful.
"I'm fine." I implored and took that last step that placed me right in front of him. He was so close I could feel the heat radiate from his body. I could smell him, hell... I could even taste him in the air. I let the taste of him sink into my tongue and I sucked in a deep breath to fill my lungs of his smell.
"Promise?" He whispered. His rigid lips started to loosen up and he seemed to relax.
"I Promise." I whispered. He cradled my face with his hands and lightly pressed his lips to mine. His mouth was soft and warm; the kiss was so delicate and tender. I wanted to melt into him. His hands traced down my neck and pulled me into his strong arms. He leaned his cheek against the top of my head. I put my arms around him, hugging myself closer to his body. I could sense his heart thundering in his chest.
"You had me worried for a while there." He murmured while kissing the top of my head.
"I didn't mean too. I'm really am fine." I answered. He sighed.
"Your hair is soaked." He stated quietly. My shirt was clinging to my back, drenched and clinging to my skin.
"I was in a hurry."
He chuckled. I felt him loosen his grip around me. He took a small step backwards and leaned his forehead in against mine. I felt him caressing my hair, pulling it back and wrapping it around his fingers. "I'm glad you're better." The words were like a soft humming. I stepped to my toes to kiss him. This time I was gentle, not setting the Calvary on him. The taste of him, slowly made it burn inside of me again. I couldn't help myself; I had to fight hard to keep from going full throttle on him again, just as I had yesterday. He parted my lips, and I felt his tongue brush against mine, working around it. "Not helping, not helping, not helping." I kept chanting in my head. The burning heat intensified and settled concentrated around my inner thighs. Edward let go of my hair, in favor of stroking my neck. He traced my collarbone gently with the tips of his fingers. His mouth grew frenzied with mine, our breathing growing labored, his mirroring mine. He moved us toward the wall with his body, pinning me in-between him and the wooden planks behind my back. I gave up fighting it, if he wasn't playing nice, then neither was I. I kissed him deeper and let my hands slip under his shirt. His lips moved to my neck and I was somehow glad, because I was struggling for air. I could hear his ragged breath next to my ear and it did insane things to my body. I moved to yank his shirt over his head, but he didn't move his arms. Perhaps he didn't notice so I pulled again. Oh, he noticed, but he was fighting it. Question marks started blinking on the inside of my lids like neon signs.
"I think we should cool it." He breathed heavily into my ear. What? No, no, no, let's just keep going! - a panic stricken voice begged in my head. I was already strung out and hungry for his body once more.
"Why?" I blurted.
"I think this is asking for trouble. You might be fine, but I think it would be pushing the limits too far." I knew he was right. I nodded in agreement, but I was unable ignore the disappointment that washed over me. His eyes alive with humor and a wicked little smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. "Besides I know for a fact you're sore from last night, so let's just do something else for a few hours." My eyes widened with surprise at his cavalier mentioning of my privates. It clenched deeply and deliciously inside of my belly, oddly reminding me that my core was tender from last night's use. "You might want to remove your hands though." He gazed down his chest amused, as my palms were still placed far up his shirt.
"Oh". I muttered and regretfully pulled my hands away with the camera dangling from my left wrist.
"What is this?" He asked, as a slight panic seemed to creep across his face. I stared at him for a moment, confused.
"Most of the western word would identify this as a gadget that takes pictures, images of things like a scenery, people or birthday cakes." I said playfully.
He rolled his eyes at me. "But what do you need it for?"
"I haven't taken a single picture since I've been here and that is not going to help people back home believe where I've been. So I was hoping we could spend today making up for lost time, so to speak. I want to take pictures of the places where we've been."
Edward smiled softly. "Sounds fun."
"Doesn't it?" I beamed, rather pleased with my plot for the day.
Edward threw himself into making preparations like there was no tomorrow. It was already past lunch, so if we were going to make it to the beach and back before nightfall we'd better get going. He spoke to Mr. Twong's son shortly, arranged for a huge amount of food and water to be prepared and packed for us. Next, he filled another rather large backpack with god knows what and smiled gleefully and secretively at me. "I have plans of my own." He smirked. It was like giving him something concrete to do fueled his mood and he was ecstatic when we took off into the jungle. I hadn't been allowed to help with packing stuff; he had simply parked me on his porch and told me to relax. I had unwillingly complied.
Tracking through the jungle we got lost a few times trying to get to broken beach, the abandoned place where we officially had met each other. Sweat was pouring from my body and the heat was scorching. I was carrying the smaller of the backpack with the food and that too was soaked with perspiration. I was in serious need of a rest when we broke through the trees and finally arrived at the beach. It was still as tranquil as it had been the other times we had been here. Stray dogs roamed the place and the water lapped quietly at the sand like absolutely nothing had changed, when everything in my world had flipped upside down.
Edward dumped the backpack on the beach, tore his shirt and shoes off and ran for the water for a much needed cool off. I left the food in the shade and started taking pictures. I snapped photos of everything I could think of. Being a complete amateur, half of the pictures would probably end up in the trash anyway; either from being out of focus, or just downright weird.
After a while, Edward reemerged and I started unpacking some of the food. Perhaps he had gone slightly overboard, as there was food enough for a small village. We hadn't talked much walking here, but I had enjoyed the silence. Though, the next step between us was gnawing at my brain. What did Edward expect now?
I was silently chewing my food, mulling things over when Edward decided to play the mind reader again. His ability to read my mood what rather scary, but I was getting used to being an open book to him.
He carefully set his food aside on the spread out blanket avoiding getting it covered with sand and sighed. "Stop tormenting that lip of yours, you're driving me insane. Bella, here's what I know. I know that you like me. I know that you enjoy my company. I also know that you feel selfish and you feel like you exploit me - which I don't mind." He smirked. I rolled my eyes; I knew what the grin was referring to. "But I also know that you're not ready for any of this. No matter how you feel about me." It went deadly quiet and the silence was ringing in my ears. "Where does that leave me? That's what I don't know." He said softly, squinting his eyes at me.
I glanced down and started digging my teeth into my lip again. I wanted to give him promises. I wanted to promise myself to him, I wanted to give him what he was obviously longing for, but I knew that would be a mistake. "I'm sorry." I whispered.
Even if I had put the lid on Jacob's death, I was not ready to dive head first into a relationship with Edward. I didn't know if I could do that. I knew nothing about the world he came from. Besides Edward was right, I wasn't ready for that. But would he even want that? I couldn't go making assumptions like that, so drawing the conclusion he would want to be with me was pure speculation. In a distant future, perhaps not long from now and back home, that idea was enticing.
"There's no reason to be. I knew what I was getting myself into." He answered quietly. But I could see the hurt and longing in his eyes.
"So, are you going to leave? Because of me?" I dared asking. The thought yet again about him leaving turned my insides to ice.
"No." He answered intensely.
"Are you breaking this off?" I gritted my teeth. I knew that would be best for him, but I didn't want to, even if my better instincts were telling me that I should.
"No. Not that either."
I sighed in relief. His eyes were still intensely gazing at me. He was breathing carefully, like a mean of control. "Are you mad I did this?"
"No. I could have said no." He shrugged. "I'm a big boy."
"But I knew how you felt... I used that." I felt horrible admitting this, but it was true nonetheless.
"I know you did and I let you. I even think I wanted you more. So I guessed I used you too." He closed his eyes and he looked ashamed for a moment, like revealing to me that he used me caused him further pain. He started rubbing his temples. "I told you...in the outside world, things would be set differently. And things are going to change, but I don't want them to." He murmured. He opened his eyes and I was startled at the depth of pain so deeply embedded in the beautiful green shade.
"You can't know that."
"I can and I do. I just want to keep you here, keep us here and keep us safe. I know that this can't last forever. Like I said, I know you're not ready for this. I'm okay with that, I can handle that." He kept rubbing his temples, like he was easing his pain. "But the thing I can't handle is, when our bubble bursts and it will, you will see me very differently." His stare was penetrating and almost hurting me. Something dawned on me.
"Are you talking about the thing you're not talking about?"
"Yes."
"And you think that will affect me?" I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Yes. I know it will." He answered evenly.
"But I already told you it doesn't matter to me?" I implored. I had to admit he was a little thick headed. How many times did I have to tell him whatever he did, I had chosen not to let it influence me.
"Don't be naive Bella. That will matter. You see, my life is rather complicated." he sighed.
I was getting a really bad feeling. My eyes involuntary moved to his fingers. No, no sign of a ring. "Are you... married?" I held my breath and frowned.
He smiled slightly. "No. I'm not with anyone." His look told me he was speaking the truth. "For what it's worth I'm here with you." He answered softly.
That made me smile. "Will this something hurt me personally?" I asked confused.
"Yes... and that's the worst part. The reason I should never have allowed this to happen." His words stung. He said he was okay with me not being ready. But I guess now he changed his mind. He didn't want this after all. He didn't want me. My eyes dropped to the sand and my vision started to blur.
"That makes sense." I lied, it made no sense, first he wants me and then he doesn't.
"I don't want to hurt you. You're not safe with me, that's why we can't go back together. You cannot be linked to me in any way."
I lifted my eyes and stared at him. Now he was just down right cruel. Why was he being so mean? I realized why my vision was so blurred. I had started to cry. I angrily ripped the back of my hand across my face to wipe the tears.
"Fine." I snarled through my teeth. I fought the tears desperately. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry when he was being like this. It wasn't like I had expected to travel back with him, to be honest I hadn't even thought about it, but the fact he excluded the possibility so firmly, hurt impossibly.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. I wanted to scream at him, be just as mean as he had. I didn't care how sorry he was.
The beach started spinning and I was getting dizzier by the second. Like some sequence in a movie when the main character was having an epiphany - I was having my own. He really had used me. He had played me, and he had gotten exactly what he wanted. Sex! And now I was dismissed. I felt nauseated from the spinning and I was pissed off. "I'll leave you alone from now on." The words escaped my tightened jaw.
"I understand, but I really hope you won't." He smiled, a hint of his lopsided grin.
Was he fucking kidding me? Seriously, he blows me off and then he thinks he can still have his fun with me! That just sent me over the edge with fury. I felt like an enraged bull and I was charging. "Are you kidding me?" I was furious. All I saw was red. "What the hell do you expect? You say you don't want me, but you would still wanna screw me and you think I'm fine with that? That's not the way the world works. Not my world at least." The words were like a rip tide, towing everything along with it. Edward's face turned horrified, but I accepted that. I wasn't playing nice, but neither was he.
"Excuse me?" His mouth hung open and he was gaping like a fish.
"You heard me." I hissed. I wanted to rip his throat out. Edward still looked horrified, his expression hadn't changed.
"Why are you so mad?" He asked, his voice was pleading.
"For the love of God don't insult me by playing stupid." I snarled.
"I'm not playing anything..." His brows furrowed confused. I cut him off harshly.
"Yeah you are, you played me!"
"Please, Bella, I'm trying to protect you."
"Really, are you sure? Because to me it sounded like you just gave me the kiss of death! And you still expect to fuck me!" I clarified coldly. In the blistering heat of the sun, my insides had turned artic.
He went completely still with that revolted expression on his face. His lips narrowed and I figured he was angry too, finally. That would make two of us. The tone of his voice was cutting and stopped me from attacking him further. "You think I don't want you, but I still think, correct that, I expect that we would still have sex?" He hesitated for a moment. "That's really insulting. I'm not that kind of guy, Bella. And I'm a little upset you would think so." The way he spoke those words made me feel bad for my hotheaded behavior. "I think you misunderstand. I want to protect you... from me. I am trying to explain to you that things will change. It's not that I don't want you. I basically flat out admitted I was in love with you and I meant that. But I'm letting you know, your feelings for me will change, no matter what they are now. Trust me." He snarled. Now it was my time to gawk at him with my mouth hanging open. I misunderstood? I collected my face.
"So you're not saying you don't want me?" I muttered surprised. It took a while for him to answer. He was breathing heavily trying to calm down.
"Definitely not." He chuckled after a few long moments. It seemed to please him I was finally getting the point. "You got a bit of a temper! Almost as bad as mine." He cocked a brow at me.
It was quiet after that quarrel, none of us made an effort to speak. I feared that this fight had driven a wedge in between us. I desperately hoped that was not the case. We finished our food, but I didn't really have an appetite. After that, we laid down on the beach soaking up the sun, still not uttering a word.
"Bella." I heard Edward call softly. I tilted my face to the side to face what was coming. "So I'm gonna ask something icky and romantic." He said. By the look of his face, he was trying to lighten the mood.
His words made me giggle. "Icky and romantic huh? And what that might be?" I asked.
"You wanna go watch the sunset from the beach in-between the limestone cliffs?" My eyes automatically moved to the water. All to well I remembered our last swimming trip. My legs had cramped up and I was in need of rescuing. I swallowed convulsively. I heard Edward laugh. "We're not swimming. We're walking. I'm pretty sure I can find the trail to the beach."
"Pretty sure? You better be damn sure. There's no way I was spending the night with all the creepy crawlies in the jungle." I giggled. Edward fished a bottle of sunblock out of the bag and handed it to me. I grabbed the bottle, opened it and squeezed the liquid into my hand. I sat up and started rubbing it on my legs. Edward squirted some into his hand and started rubbing it on my back. My skin was already feeling prickly from sun exposure. My skin was still pale and delicate so it was probably too late to avoid a burn by now.
"I'm sorry we fought." He whispered close to my ear.
"Me too." I answered, feeling slightly humiliated at my irrational behavior. The fight had been sticking to my mind like gum in the hair – unfortunate and destructive. He lightly pressed his lips to my neck and continued to smear the goo on my back.
We left Broken Beach behind and moved through the jungle again looking for a way through to the secluded little place between the cliffs. It was easier to find than expected. The cliffs worked like a massive X on our 4D treasure map and were always in sight.
I stared surprised when Edward unpacked the larger bag completely. Blanket, towels, a thin sheet and then I added it up with the amount of food he had arranged. I narrowed my eyes at him. "You planned this, didn't you?" I stated dryly.
Edward glanced up and smirked. "Indeed I did. I just didn't want to freak you out in advance."
I laughed. I would definitely have been freaked out if I knew we were spending the night outdoors. But now that we were here, the idea of it was rather thrilling. The tension from our fight seemed to dissipate and I relaxed. The place was absolutely secluded and it was only us swallowed up in this place.
ooooooooOOOOOoooooooo
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