Chapter: 10

Warning: Some fluffiness ahead in this chapter.

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Twenty-one years ago and 4 months earlier

The medical tents had once stretched twice the distance of the main camp, but today only two medical tents still stood. It pleased Teyla no end to see that development, knowing that those who had been cared for in those medical tents now were well enough to live in their homes once again. Though a few had been lost, and some remained scarred and sick from the experiment Michael had wrought upon the Athosians, for the most part her people had once again triumphed over great adversity. Her people were strong and proud, and they were also tried and tested survivors.

Teyla wiped her hands on the cloth at her waist, cleaning away the ointment she had been massaging into Hakon's leg. Michael's experiments on him were unknown in their eventual aim, but whatever it was had crippled Hakon's leg, but it was improving. With daily massage, physiotherapy and his own determination to regain his leg's strength, meant that Hakon would win over what Michael had done to him.

"There you go, my friend," she said as she stepped back, resisting the urge to reach out to help Hakon sit upright on the low medical bed.

He let out a sigh as he sat up, but it was not one rooted in pain, but in relief. "Thank you, Teyla."

Teyla smiled, keeping her hands on her cloth as Hakon worked to shift himself round on the bed. He grasped his crutches, and, as he always did, he got up without any assistance. Today he seemed significantly more stable as he stood. She smiled up at him and he grinned back.

"It is improving with each day," he told her as he properly gripped the handles of his crutches. "I hope little Torren will be assisting you again soon," he added with another smile.

"We both know that Torren does not really 'help'," she replied smiling in return. The last time Torren had been here he had distracted everybody so much that little work had gotten done. He was a child very happy to enjoy cuddles from anyone and he had begun to develop a happy little giggle that people were tempted to provoke to hear it.

"He reminds us of the new life of our people, that helps us all," Hakon replied seriously.

She nodded. "I agree. Though, surely Meela will soon be supplying more new life for us all." They both looked to where Meela was perched on the edge of a nearby bed, rubbing her hand around her huge swollen pregnant belly. She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. Beside her, her sister lay as the bandages on her legs were changed.

"I would be happy to supply more life at any time," Meela replied loudly down at her belly. "Truly – at any time now." They laughed at her, though Teyla sympathised, remembering how it had felt to be that large and uncomfortable at the end of a pregnancy. It was good that they could all smile again, especially as it was a sad point that Meela's child would be born with no father to love it, Michael having stolen that chance from many of the children in the camp. Teyla was glad that Torren had been saved of that at least.

Her duties now complete, Teyla said her goodbyes and left the medical tents. The camp was a buzz with activity most days, as the settlement was further established. There was a new energy in the air now that most of her people had been returned to health. She herself felt that new energy, though she felt rather tired. She had spent the morning assisting in a new trade agreement for Atlantis with a rather difficult people called the Bachians, and then she had worked here all afternoon. Torren was back in Atlantis with Jennifer, or perhaps Lucy if Jennifer had been called on duty. Either way, her son was well cared for and she knew that she did not have to rush to return to Atlantis. Yet, she wished to return quickly today. For some reason this day she craved the silent rooms and the ocean breeze sliding around the balconies of Atlantis.

She neared her tent, which stood alongside Kanaan's newly constructed tent. His had been torn apart by Michael's group so she had helped to patch it up again whilst he was still living in the medical tents. He had been living in his repaired tent again for several weeks now and it pleased her to see his health returned. She felt confident now that he could care for Torren alone, but knew that he was quickly tired, so rarely left him with the duty alone for long. Carson said that Michael's alterations had affected Kanaan's heart, but that he should be well enough to live a normal life, except that he wasn't quite up to the same physical strength as before. She knew that it bothered Kanaan that he could no longer perform the heavy lifting of farm work as he had before. His strength was increasing each day, but he would never be as he was.

She paused at the open entrance to his tent and saw that he was sat inside with Halling. The two men smiled up at her as she entered.

"Greetings, Teyla," Halling said. "How is Meela?"

"Still grumbling at her belly," she replied with a smile. Halling laughed as he stood up from the small table at which he had been sat with Kanaan.

"I will visit her now. Kanaan and I have decided on the lower valleys for the new farmland. It will mean a little further to transport equipment and the harvest, but the river will be much closer."

"I agree," Teyla replied. Kanaan had been playing a much larger role of leadership of late. She had to wonder if his weakened heart had perhaps finally given him the impetus to take up that mantle, or had it simply been in response to their peoples' need? She had always known he had that ability, but she was especially glad to see that it might assist him through his weakened state.

"I will see you both tomorrow, and hopefully another Athosian will have joined us during the night," Halling said as he left.

"Good night, Halling," Teyla called to him, though she was not entirely sure if she would be back in the camp tomorrow, it depended on what response Mr Woolsey had from the Bachians.

"How is Hakon?" Kanaan asked as he rolled up the maps of the surrounding area he and Halling had been working on.

"He seems considerably stronger today," she informed him.

"That is good to hear," Kanaan replied as he put away the map. He too looked strong and happy today. "Would you like to walk with me down to the new fields?"

Teyla glanced at her Earth-issued watch. "Perhaps another day, I am due back in the city."

Kanaan nodded as he stood up and moved around the table. "Returning to our son," he said with a smile.

Teyla nodded and as he leant in, she pressed her lips softly to his. "You could return with me," she reminded him.

"I would, but I have agreed to walk down to the fields to assess the area one last time before we start clearing tomorrow. Will you bring Torren with you tomorrow?"

"I may not be able to visit tomorrow, it depends on how the trading negotiations develop," she replied.

"Of course," Kanaan replied. "I would visit myself, but we need everyone down at the fields that we can spare so that we can catch the planting season in time."

Teyla nodded. "I know. I will bring Torren back with me the day after tomorrow hopefully and I will try to stay as long as I can to help with the new fields."

Kanaan moved with her to the open exit of this tent. "I miss you and our son beside me, Teyla," he confessed to her quietly, as he often did. Teyla always felt the heavy weight of guilt and regret when she heard his words. She felt conflicted on the subject of where her and her son lived, as Kanaan seemed unwilling yet to move to Atlantis with her. She wondered if he ever would, especially as he was clearly enjoying his new role in the camp.

"You may think differently in two night's time, for Torren has been complaining a lot of late. He cries most of the evening and into the night for no clear reason," she told him.

"You said he is well though?" Kanaan asked, though she had already assured him of that.

"Yes, Doctor Keller checked him over and even passed the Ancestor medical scanner over him. He is well, just perhaps going through a difficult stage." Teyla had to wonder if she was in part responsible. She did not leave her son for many hours each day, but it was rare that she spent an entire day with Torren. She regretted that, but knew that her job was important both in Atlantis and here with her people. When Kanaan was stronger, perhaps he could care for their son more, though his time seemed well filled as well. For now, Torren had many who loved to care for him in Atlantis, and surprisingly his most frequent babysitter had turned out to be John.

She had been surprised and very touched by John's offer to help care for Torren. At first she had not wanted to impose on him too much as he always seemed very busy, but soon it had became clear that John enjoyed the babysitting. Torren always seemed very relaxed with John and often Ronon and Rodney would join the babysitting evening with John. Seeing them that way made her feel slightly better about having left the team, at least for now, for in this new way her team was still together. When she joined them they often all sat together for several hours, just as they used to, even if it was into the late hours of the night. She loved those times and took great pleasure in seeing her son sleeping in the arms of his adopted uncles. It was also highly amusing that those three men, who one would not immediately put forward as potentially doting carers, were rather besotted with Torren. Yet, it was with John that Torren spent a large part of his time, though not as much recently. A recent crisis with a group of Genii deserters targeting the city and those from Atlantis off world, had put John on duty far beyond his normal hours and consequently he hadn't been able to babysit too much. However, only two days ago the Genii deserters had finally been captured. Teyla was grateful to the Ancestors for that, for not only did it remove a potential danger for those in Atlantis, but it also meant that John would be spending more time with her and Torren again.

She had enjoyed spending more time with John again, as it had felt as if their friendship had suffered greatly since that day on which she had told him of her pregnancy. She had been surprised at John's anger at that time, though had eventually understood it for the most part, but at the length at which he held it against her had worried her. Though they had apologised to each other, it seemed as if something had been broken that day, which she had been unable to put back together. Lately though, through his volunteered care of Torren, she had begun to spend more time with him again and she felt their friendship had grown again, though still not quite the same as it had once been. It still bothered her, but it did not seem to concern John, so she was happy with things as they were. The only concern she had was that John would likely miss Torren's company once Kanaan took a larger role in the boy's care.

"You must make sure you get enough sleep yourself, Teyla," Kanaan told her, his warm hand landing on her arm, pulling her from her wayward thoughts.

"Yes, as long as our son allows me too," she replied with a smile.

Kanaan frowned at her, but smiled eventually. "I will see you tomorrow hopefully, if not the following day," he concluded.

"I will see you then, with Torren," she added as they leant in towards each other and kissed briefly. Kanaan's arm tightened around her shoulders for a beat before his hand dropped away. She smiled to him and moved away to enter her own tent.

She gathered her bag from the sleeping area, covered the fire, and then departed. The walk to the Gate was far shorter than it had been in the past, her people having decided to move the camp closer, as though the Gate provided risks, it also provided the means of escape and calling for assistance if the need arose again.

Her thoughts turned towards her evening with Torren and she made the trip in short time and was soon at the Gate. She dialled into Atlantis and, once she had been given permission by Chuck over the radio, walked through into the city. There were two teams waiting to depart soon and Teyla shared greetings and nods with most, learning that they were there to help a planned evacuation of a world that had a rising air temperature that potentially threatened its habitants. Earth scientists had advised the inhabitants that it would only take a further four months until the temperature of their world would be too dangerous, and the inhabitants had asked for assistance in their evacuation. A suitable planet had been found and they were moving there in controlled stages, taking large numbers of local wildlife that they could. It was a routine mission, and with a quick glance around, she could already see that John was no longer on duty. She checked her watch and noting that it was the evening shift now, which meant he would likely be in the Mess Hall. She would head to Jennifer's quarters, of Lucy's if necessary, to collect Torren, and then would drop by the Mess Hall to see John and hopefully the rest of the team.

She was halfway down the corridor to Jennifer's quarters when a nurse heading towards her from the other direction waved at her and hurried forward.

"Teyla, Doctor Keller asked me to tell you that she has Torren with her in the Infirmary," the nurse told her.

Teyla was a little worried by the nurse's look. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is now, but Torren had been crying for a long time. Doctor Keller was concerned about him."

Teyla's heart rate jumped. "He is alright?"

"Yes, he's fine, just wouldn't stop crying, probably just missing you," the nurse replied with a reassuring smile. "I was on my way to leave a note for you on Dr Keller's door, it's lucky I walked into you."

"Yes, thank you," Teyla replied as she quickly turned away and hurried at a fast walk towards the stairs. She made her way quickly down the steps and down the corridor towards the Infirmary. As she neared, she couldn't hear any crying, so hopefully Torren had calmed or had finally fallen asleep. She was sorry to have subjected Jennifer to one of Torren's new crying sessions.

She entered the infirmary, which remained silent of crying and held very few people. She spied Jennifer stood with Rodney and another nurse across the room. Teyla didn't see Torren in any of their arms and she scanned her eyes around the infirmary but couldn't see Torren anywhere.

"Jennifer?" She called out, but was instantly relieved by Jennifer's calm smile as she looked round.

"Welcome back, Teyla. How are things in the camp?"

"Fine, all is well," Teyla replied as she reached her friend. "Where is Torren? I heard that he was crying again."

The nurse and Rodney pulled faces that told her just how loud and determined her son's cries had been.

"He cried for about four hours straight," Rodney told her.

"Not quite that long, he was upset about something. I brought him here to check him over, but again there was nothing wrong, I think he was just upset," Jennifer replied.

"He's got a good set of lungs," Rodney muttered.

Teyla felt a flush of embarrassment. "I am sorry, Jennifer, Rodney," she offered them, wondering if they had been intending to have a restful day together which Torren had no doubt interrupted.

"We tried walking him as you used to do, talking to him, bouncing him, everything," Jennifer continued.

"I too have tried everything when he is like that, but it rarely works. He usually eventually calms after an hour, but clearly he was more difficult for you," she added once again looking around the infirmary. "Where is he?"

Jennifer pointed off towards an open door across the room that led through to one of the smaller isolation rooms. "I eventually called in back up and Torren quietened down immediately."

"Probably tired himself out on us," Rodney muttered.

"Thank you, both of you," Teyla said as she headed towards the isolation room.

She reached the open doorway and looked into the silent room beyond. There was a single large window in here with a beautiful view over a pier and the ocean below. Stood in front of the window was John, swaying his body, Torren in his arms. Teyla paused at the sight, surprised and delighted at her son's carer who had been so successful in calming him.

John moved slightly, bringing Torren further into her view and she watched as John looked down at her son tucked up in his arms. The picture caught her heart strangely and she felt a swell of emotion that was surprisingly sudden, but not totally new. What was new was the intensity of it. She had thought her affection for John as something she had let go of in the past, yet it seemed it had not left as she had thought.

She watched John sway his body gently from side to side, adding a slight bounce with his arms, calming her son. She could see Torren's feet moving against John's arm, telling her that her son wasn't asleep, but he was calm, relaxed and contented. Her heart ached, making her look away as she quelled the traitorous parts of her that envisioned, for a moment, that Torren was John's son. She knew such thoughts were wrong of her, a betrayal to Kanaan, yet thinking so did not weaken her moment of fantasy.

Long ago, she had put the prospect of John as a romantic partner aside, having seen no indication from him that he would be interested in a relationship. She had hoped for many years before, feeling that connection between them, their gentle flirtations, and trust of one another as possible indications that something deeper might be possible between them. However, nothing had changed for three years and then he and his people had left Atlantis to return home when a small group of Ancestors had returned to claim their city. She had set aside her life in Atlantis, of her strong lingering feelings and hopes for John, and had returned to live with her people. There, what she had hoped for her and John, had instead begun between her and Kanaan. Their childhood-based friendship had grown and he had made his interest clear. She had decided then to purposefully set aside her unrequited feelings for John, and had accepted the affection that Kanaan had offered.

When John and his people had returned to Atlantis, and she too had returned to her life with them, her time with Kanaan had been lessened, but their affection had continued. Though her pregnancy had been unplanned, she had accepted it and the future prospect of family her son and Kanaan presented her. She believed she could have a good life with them, as long as she could balance that life with her work in Atlantis. She was in many respects still struggling to find that balance, but she was committed to it. She would work hard to be the mother, lover and warrior that she was asked to be. Yet, despite that commitment, she found that those old feelings, old fantasies of a relationship with John, of sharing so much more with him remained. She had thought those feelings gone, until now seeing him holding her son. He had always been a warrior and friend to her, a strong and powerful symbol for her that it was possible to fight the Wraith and to be able to change things for the better. That he had not fulfilled other parts of her life was something she accepted, yet now seeing him in the role of a father, of giving of himself, caring and relaxed…it pulled at her heart deeply. Dreams, longings and wishes that she had thought long dead, had not in fact died, but only silenced by the reality of life.

As she looked at him now, she wondered if she would ever be freed from those dreams. Would there come a day when she would not hold even just the possibility in her heart? Why did she persist in such thoughts, even if they were ignored, foolish ones? Perhaps it was that she had been spending more time with him lately. Had she, once again, allowed his friendship to empower those feelings? Perhaps it had been wiser to keep the distance that they had both created since her pregnancy. Though she had hated it, there may also be protection in such distance.

She instantly rebelled against such thoughts, her heart making its feelings once again clear. What was clear to her was that she had formed a form of love for this man, a bond formed from trust, born from that first meeting back on Old Athos, shared battles and experiences. They had assisted each other through the worst and best life had thrown at them and Atlantis these past five years. Living so closely understandably formed strong bonds of friendship, but her natural attraction to him, and the awareness of the similarities there were between them, despite the differences, had deepened that bond for her. It was a form of love unrequited, but no less real. She had to accept its place in her life, appreciate his care and perhaps real love for her son, value John and yet move on. She had thought she had done that before, but clearly had not been as successful as she had thought.

She did not feel that love was a betrayal to Kanaan, for it was one that she had not indulged or focused on for some time, but at the same time was it wrong of her to care for Kanaan when another man occupied parts of her heart? Kanaan provided the affection and sharing of self that she might have wished with John, but she certainly had never actively thought of Kanaan as a replacement for John. The two men were very different, except perhaps in one way – the care and patience they had for Torren.

Despite the beauty of this moment seeing the connection between John and Torren, and the old feelings it stirred, John was not Torren's father and he would never be. Thinking otherwise would only lead to this old pain remaining – wanting what she could not have. John deserved to have a family of his own, children of his own with whom he could share this kind side of himself. She still wished she could have been the woman to provide that for him.

He became aware of her presence and looked round. "Hey," he greeted her, his voice low so as not to disturb Torren too much.

Teyla hoped the touch of wetness to her eyes was gone, but still dropped her eyes from John's face to her son in case. She moved towards them, smiling for them.

"Hello, Torren. I understand you have been rather difficult for Jennifer and Rodney?" She asked Torren, who saw her and grinned widely, his arms reaching up towards her.

John turned, passing the bundle of growing baby joy to her. "He just needed some proper attention, didn't you, Torren?" He asked as his bare forearms brushed against Teyla's as they exchanged Torren.

The boy looked back at John with another smile.

"Thank you, John," she told him smiling up at him as she hugged Torren to her, who seeming perfectly contented.

"No problem, I was almost near the end of my shift anyway," he looked down to Torren as he reached in and caught one little hand between his fingers. "Besides you're far more fun than paperwork," he told Torren in a soft voice.

John was still stood very close, so much so that she could feel his body heat against her side and she drew in his masculine smell. "Perhaps he has simply been missing you these past days," she reflected as she took up the swaying rhythm herself as Torren settled in her arms.

"I usually play him some Johnny Cash, that usually does it," he replied with a smile, but Teyla was sure that her son felt safe with John and that he had grown fond of John's presence in his life.

It pained her to realise that John had spent more time with Torren than Kanaan had so far, and the prospect of Torren being cared for more in the Athosian camp in the future made Teyla ache a little for John. It seemed that perhaps the distance she had reflected on would occur anyway, but it would not only be formed between her and John, but between him and Torren. Once again, she felt her heart rebel at the thought.

John would clearly make a wonderful father and she hoped that Torren would still be able to enjoy some of that, and that someday John would have a family of his own to love.

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TBC