OK, so that was how it all worked out. I hope I didn't confuse too many people. There's just one more thing left to be explained: how Shau'ri and Charlie got out of the Underworld. Well, let's just say that Teal'c's symbiote wasn't the only unlikely method they chose...

I disclaim. The title is from Bowling for Soup's "Why Don't I Miss You?" and the rest is all Barry.

Burned Out Plans to Take Over the World

Time passes differently in the Underworld. Things were not quite as quick as it appeared on Earth.

Shau'ri was without Daniel for 11 days while he suffered without her. She had no idea of what happened to him or indeed that 11 days had passed for the simple reason that Persephone wouldn't allow her to remember.

For one thing, having watched all that passed, her respect and admiration for the Ter'fin'aki would have been severely diminished and that just wouldn't do.

For another, she kept making Hades laugh by humming old Earth songs and Demeter was becoming progressively more annoyed. The joke was at her expense as it was entirely her fault that Hades knew the songs at all. She was the one who ventured into the daylight and brought back CDs.

Lastly, and possibly most importantly, she had a temper on her that made Hera look calm and after the fifth time she had stolen Sisyphus's rock in order to squash them all flat for the first of Demeter's attempts to "fix it".

More attempts later than they were prepared to admit to Shau'ri, they agreed to her terms to fix Daniel's fate and in payment for all he'd suffered, grant her and Charlie the chance to return to life on Earth.

They had attempted to impose conditions but Shau'ri had glared at them and they remembered that despite being Ter'fin'aki, this was the woman that Lachesis's almost-host had been prepared to sacrifice his entire post-mortem happiness for and that they would best not mess with her.

For the first time ever, a dead woman got herself out of the Underworld.

This was why…

Lachesis worms his way up his leg and Daniel, skin pulsing red, struggles to find the strength to flatten him. This is not how things are supposed to end. He finds himself glancing at Teal'c and then remembers his Homer.

Simpson that is.

He allows Lachesis to reach his throat and then head for his mouth. At the last possible moment he bites down hard, severing the snake's head from his body.

"Mmmm, chocolaty."

"Oh my God."

"Ewww!"

---------------------------

The tablet was in Daniel's hand, its weight comfortably familiar.

Lachesis approached, spitting orange venom and hissing words without an s in. "Mine! Forever!"

WHAPPA-THUNKEI!

The stone makes the same sickening sound of breaking bone and flesh as the coverstone did when it killed his parents.

"Not in this reality."

----------------------

"Daniel Jackson!" Teal'c yells the heads' up and Daniel only just manages to catch the small box before it flies open and releases the prisoner within.

"Noooo!" Lachesis screams, orange spittle melting the ramp. "Not a mongooooosssssse!"

A brief crunch later and his plans for world domination were averted.

Daniel would later swear he heard the word "Ssssshit!" echo from within the mammal's stomach but no one else was close enough to confirm it.

----------------------------

"What'sss this, precioussss, nasty fat hobbitses trying to steal you from me?"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

Out of nowhere, a cow landed on Lachesis.

"Um, Daniel?"

Daniel grins. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition or Monty Python flying cows."

-----------------------

Daniel raises an eyebrow, the largest movement he can currently make. "What? No dinner, no dancing? Not even a box of chocolates?"

Teal'c's stomach gurgles slightly.

"Hossst," Lachesis repeats. His spit corrodes the embarkation ramp base. "Together we will conquer worldssss. The very Universsse sssshall be ourssss!"

"Am I that cheap a date? I mean I know Jack got me drunk on two beers but seriously, don't I at least deserve a bit of Barry White?"

Lachesis stops dead in his tracks. "Ssssss hiiiisssss sss Barry White sssss?"

"You know, the Man with the Velvet Voice, the Maestro, the Walrus of Love," Daniel is too weak to wave his hands but second by second he regains his strength. "Saved all the snakes from being whacked to death in the Simpsons once."

Impossibly, Walter has found a copy of Just the Way You Are and played it onto the intercom. Someone, later, will pay and pay and pay for having such a thing on base.

"Don't go changing, trying to please me

You never let me down before…"

The music washes around them and Lachesis begins to sway silently to it.

"Ssss-Barry White?" The Not-A-Thing-But-A-God repeats. "He shall be our ssssecond in command, in charge of our Antarctic regionsssss where once the Argumentative Ancientsss dwelt."

The volume increases until everyone but Daniel and Lachesis are dropping their weapons to cover their ears.

"I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble

We never could have come this far…"

Lachesis is entranced. He is charmed by the singer and as he sinuously dances his way towards his new host, his whole body wiggles in time to the beat.

The music surges louder and the entire embarkation ramp begins to throb with it.

"I took the good times, I'll take the bad times

I'll take you just the way you are…"

"Hossst, thissss issss truly the musssic of the Godsssss." Lachesis is in ecstasy, his spit flowing freely.

Daniel shrugs, apparently immune to the ear splitting volume and Walter's knowledge of Spinal Tap's audio system. The amp must surely have reached eleven by now. Blood is coming out of the nearest marine's ears and the owner of the Walrus's album will have to walk very softly and carry a very big stick to avoid retribution when this is over.

Lachesis is so very close now, Daniel's tumbled body at the bottom of the embarkation ramp so very vulnerable.

The Snake-God's tiny wings burr and then dampen, the bass line is too much and he must move with it. Shaken to the floor, he is almost purring in satisfaction. His long-planned triumph has arrived at last.

"I could not love you any better,

I love you just the way you are!"

The final notes arrive and with them the loudest pitch of all. The embarkation ramp, slowly shaken loose of its moorings by the pounding beat, rises up and Daniel kicks Lachesis under it.

The song ends and four tonnes of steel drop with a resounding crash, smashing the delusional Daniel-deifying serpent to a peanut-butter-chunky pulp.

Jack is incapable of lifting his jaw from his chest to exchange a befuddled look with Carter or he would be yelling "What the hell just happened?"

The galaxy-saving-archaeologist grins. Computer geek is apparently infectious. "All your bass are belong to us."

The End.

Hope you enjoyed it and happy holidays, whatever your religious inclination.