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How can I give you anymore

BPOV

Some people say that the truth is best but in this case it hurts and this time I am not sure who it hurt the most. I never expected him to feel the same way, but a part of me was holding out for him to bring me into his arms and tell me he felt the same way. To be honest I didn't give him a chance to say anything I was too scared to hear what he had to say- I've been broken once before and I know I won't be able to cope with feeling like that again. After everything he has done, it still amazes me that I lye here in the dark, wishing he was there with me, with his arms round me so tight that I believe he will never let go. He may have hurt me but not once have I ever regretted meeting him.

In my thoughts Edward is my soul mate but I wasn't his. I wonder how many people have ever been in this position. He was just so...? There isn't a word to describe what he meant to me. I have cried many tears for him but that doesn't stop me loving him. I wonder why he does this to me. Every time I see him it is like a little kid on Christmas eve. I was so excited just to be in his presence. Everything about him was just so...captivating. His every move was just so perfect that I couldn't help but stare. He was the one that was always in my thoughts and will always be in my heart.

How I felt for Edward I planned on being my secret, I did my best to hide my true feelings and everything was going well until he started talking to me again and those feelings I had buried but not forgotten, resurfaced and made it harder to hide my secret. I thought I was doing okay, yes I slipped up a few times but I was managing. Until I was ganged up on by my friends who knew how I felt about Edward and my secret was out, there was no controlling it anymore. Once I slipped there was no stopping what was coming. I told him everything. I poured my heart out to him. Once I was finished he tried to comfort me but I kept backing away because I was scared that I would just have a panic attack and I didn't want him to see me in that state. I was feeling guilty for not letting him speak but I just couldn't listen to what he had to say. I was completely paralyzed in his presence that I couldn't think straight and that ended up in me telling him what I felt towards him. It may have gotten rid of a weight on my shoulders but it brought on a lot of pain that I just couldn't deal with.

I made my way to school. I was dreading this. I knew at some point that I would have to face up to what I had done. I did not want to see him because I was scared of what he might look like or what he would even say to me. I just confessed my love for a guy and then I was scared of what he had to say back, because if the words "I don't love you" came out then I was sure that I would break down. I knew he would never love me back and I was fine with that because I kept my feelings inside but once they slip out they become real so you can't take anything back.

Anyway when I pulled up at school I had a discussion with myself. I was thinking about the pro's and con's if I went to the lunch room. After a couple of minutes I decided not to. I made my way to library and just sat there until it was time for lessons. I have made a few mistakes in my life but this has been the worst one yet. I just ruined something that I was only just getting back. I have never screwed up this bad.

I made my way to English. I sat there and did nothing. I didn't take any notes. I sat there trying not to think about him but every thought that I had always ended up with him. I just had to many memories with him and that was something that I just couldn't forget. Kate kept talking to me. I tried to participate in the conversation but I just wasn't in the mood. She told a thing that shocked me. Her and Dean went the whole way. I told her that she is lucky thats she has a guy. Once English was finished I made my way to maths. I just couldn't wait until this day was over.

I was on my way to lunch. I was a little late because I got a lecture from a teacher about concentrating in lessons. Anyway. I walked in and I kept my head down. I decided that I would look up to see if he was sitting at our table. A part of me did want him there so I knew he wasn't mad at me or thought that I was stupid but I knew that if he sat there then I would be uncomfortable and I knew that I wouldn't be able to speak to him. I grabbed myself an apple and a bottle of water. I sat down but I had to sit in my normal seat which was next to him. I just picked up my apple and started munching on it.

"So Bella where were you this morning" Rose asked. Oh I forgot that they would have been there.

"I um I went to the library" I stuttered. I did not like having everyone stare at me.

"Why?" Em asked.

"Because I have a test coming up" I said as I took a swig of my water.

"The school prom is coming up" Al said jumping up and down in her seat. Jasper placed his hands on her shoulders to keep her still. She was just so hyper for such a little person.

"I no I am so excited" rose said.

"Aren't you guys" Al said looking upset at the fact that the rest of us weren't bouncing up and down in out seats.

"Oh my god yes I am so excited to get all dressed up and then I can totally ask Rose to go with me" Em said whilst doing the same thing as Alice. Everybody else tumbled over laughing and to my surprise I even cracked a smile.

"You would be so good gay" I said. I could just imagine him as a drag.

"Thank you Bellsy" He said. He was proud of the fact that he would be good gay. There is something wrong with that poor boy.

"So Bella are you excited?" Alice asked. Oh god. I had to now tell them that I don't want to go to prom.

"No. Not really I don't think I am going" I said waiting for the shocked looks to cover there faces.

"Why?" Rose said.

"It's not my thing" I said looking down. My cheeks were now a hot tomato red because all the dam attention was on me.

"Please come" Alice and rose said at the same time with the puppy dog eye's. Why do they do that. They know that I can't say no to the Eye's. Dammit!

"Fine" I huffed.

"Yay" They both said. Then they went of in there own little world. Probably speaking about how they were going to dress me up. This means that I will be in pain whilst they make me look presentable. All of that for me when I did not even want to go in the first place.

"Bella-" Edward said. I knew what he was going to say. I pretended not to hear him and I turned my attention to Emmett.

"So Em how have you been lately?" I asked. I peeked from the corner of my eye at Edward. He had a look of disbelief and confusion on his face.

"Fine Bella" He said. Then he went back to his conversation with Jasper. Dammit!

"Bella listen" He said and his voice sounded kind of pleading. I knew I needed to let him have a chance to talk but I just couldn't let him.

"I have to go" I said and got up and left without saying a word to anyone. I just couldn't hear what he had to say to me. I made my way to Biology and sat in my seat. This was going to be a long lesson.

RPOV

Me and Alice just sat there and were talking about what we should all wear to the prom. When we heard Edward ask Bella something and Bella just ignored it and spoke To Em. She has never been like that. She has never acted so rude. He tried again and then she just got up and left. He must of done something because Bella never acts like that. I swear to god if he hurt her in any way then I will kill him personally.

BPOV

Once everyone took there seats in Biology we were told that we had a free lesson because the teacher wasn't in. I knew he would try and talk to me again so I just put my music in. I knew this was very rude but as I said once before I am scared. I was writing notes when "Fall For You" came on. I thought it was totally ironic. When the lesson finished I tried to rush out but Edward just pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear. "Please talk to me" I was surprised. I thought he would hate me after I confessed to him yesterday and ran away. I decided to whisper the first thing that came in my mind "I can't" I said and manged to get myself out of his grasp. Edward hugging me almost pushed me off the edge I was trying so hard to bury my feelings like I had before and as soon as his hands were around me I felt myself go to pieces, I had to get away from him I couldn't let him see me like that again. I ran to my truck and as soon as I got in I let the pieces fall, I cried until my face felt raw and my throat hoarse. I found myself putting my arms round my chest like I was holding myself together knowing that if I let go I would break. With every tear that fell I could feel the break deepen.

No matter how much I tried Edward did not escape my thoughts for the rest of the day, I imagined a variety of different endings to yesterday's events. My favorite ending involved Edward telling me he felt the same way as I felt towards him obviously that was one of my most creative endings. The one that kept playing over and over in my head despite my efforts to make it stop included Edward walking away from me laughing, it was more realistic and I knew that. He must have never really cared about me even all those years ago when we were best friends, I was stupid enough not to realise that back then and now I am paying for my mistake. If I just realised I could have stayed away from him when I started having deeper feelings for him, I could have stopped myself from feeling all this hurt. So who is to blame? Me or Edward?

I couldn't face thinking of Edward any longer. I did anything to distract myself from thinking of him; I showered until the hot water ran out and the cold water made me shiver, I completed a whole crossword puzzle book, I read 5 chapters of Wuthering Heights, I made a lasagna for Charlie, learnt every song on my ipod word by word, completed all my homework and I even tried to run 5 miles which I really just walked. My distractions worked I crashed out at around 2am without having a last thought about Edward. Like every night I had the same dream that I've had for the last two weeks well it began the same way. I could smell and taste the saltness of the sea on my tongue, I could feel the wind wrap around me like a lovers embrace. I could hear the waves crashing against each other in a bid to win the race to the shore. I wasn't aware of where I was or where I was heading but something kept pulling me towards it like opposite sides of a pair of magnets. I walked the whole stretch of the beach until the pulling stopped. I looked around trying to find where that incredible force was coming from and then suddenly I saw him. But this time the atmosphere went dark, angry clouds filled the sky and the waves became violent. Rain started plummeting down, lightening crashed down while the thunder roared. I turned around to him still not being able to recognise who he was, he looked angry but he glowed like he was more superior than me and he laughed a horrible mocking sound that made me shiver and jump back. In this dream he spoke in a way that dazzled me even though it was filled with so much hate, the words he spoke stabbed me like a dozen knifes; "We don't belong together" but before I could argue with him, tell him that if he just gave us a chance we could work out he disappeared and I woke up crying, holding myself together, realising who I have seen in my dreams for the last two weeks, Edward.

Some people search for love for their whole lives, waiting to find their soul mate, waiting to feel the strength of true love but little do they know how much love can hurt, how it can break you into a thousand pieces and yet you still find yourself running back to them. True love is indestructible but we aren't.

a/n :D

Well I have some bad news people. I and my sister are going on holiday so you wont get an update for one whole week. Sorry :D

Jess x