Author's Note: Ohmigad! Read on!
Kailah's updated security pass had been left on her desk. Before that she had been using a visitor pass to get into certain levels of confidential paper files, but now she had a clip-on ID and she was looking forward on using it. She had only left it a moment to refill her and Goren's coffee cups, but when she returned, Goren was studying it carefully.
"Sirena? That's your middle name?"
"Yeah," she snatched the card back and fastened it to her shirt lapel.
"You have two very odd names." He informed her quietly. "One is Israeli, and that's what, Greek?"
She nodded, grinning. "Correct. Kailah is Israeli for 'laurel crown' and Sirena as in the sirens of Greek mythology."
"Well, even Cairn is a first name, if you look at older English or Gaelic heritage." He piled some papers together and began to talk with his hands a little. "A cairn was pile of stones in memorial to a fallen warrior."
"My ancestors were graveyard keepers." She smiled and leaned closer. "I'm queen of the mermaids, and I lure unwilling soldiers to their demise in my graveyards. Every name tells a story, right?"
He glanced at his own security pass and tilted his head thoughtfully. "Robert O. Goren…"
"Robert's an easy one, Goren I'm not sure about, and we all know what the 'O' stands for." She wagged her eyebrows.
"Are we going to discuss Japanese pillow books again?"
"No, it stands for ostensible. How the hell do you get off discussing pillow books?" She shot him an incredulous look and raced up to the fax machine to grab their records for two out-of-state suspects.
When she returned, she noticed Goren had clamped his hand over his left cheek and was scowling. Finally, forcing his face to relax a good deal, he pursed his lips and looked at her, allowing himself to stare into her eyes emotionlessly.
"Thanks. My mom really liked those tulips."
"Eric works in a hospital south of here." She murmured, averting her eyes and shuffling papers. "He said they have a policy; flowers in the room until they wilt, then it's in the garbage. I figured they'd be browning after a week."
"Thanks." He repeated and rubbed his cheek, staring at Kailah's down-turned eyes. "She really loved them. She said they brightened the room."
Kailah nodded firmly. "I'm glad, then."
"She'd like…" He felt his fingers creep over his mouth and he wanted to chew them, but it had been literally twenty years since he'd chewed his fingers out of anxiety or worry.
"What, roses next time?" Kailah finally lifted her eyes and smirked.
Panicking, Goren felt his hand removed itself from his face. "She'd love to meet you to thank you in person."
Without missing a beat, Kailah kicked her smile up a notch. "If it's all right with you, I'd love that."
"Wednesday is the day before she gets her chemo treatments. She's got the most energy and is in the best mood." He watched her reaction and found her looking at her desk calendar to make sure she had time.
"Yeah, that sounds great. Which hospital?"
"I can take you." He replied immediately. "I'm going to go out there and make sure she has the things she needs for the next day. She's weak after the treatments and if I don't give her things to do, she starts pulling her hair out and calling me." His mouth continued as if this were utterly normal—utterly mundane. "It upsets her just as much to throw a tantrum, but if I give her something to do, sometimes she forgets the tantrum part and just gets tired."
After a few moments, Kailah clasped her fingers together and beamed at Goren happily. "I'm excited now. Your mom must be a hoot."
"On a good day, yes. She's very smart, witty, engaging." He wagged his finger as he shuffled more papers uselessly. "On a bad day, she's abrasive, critical, and obnoxious."
"Sounds like any woman scorned to me." Kailah snorted and leaned in close. "Pastrami on rye, sir? It's my turn for the lunch run."
"Yeah, but—"
"Antacids, I know." She picked her wallet out of her messenger bag and smirked. "Remind me to make you some vegetarian chili before I go back to Portland. You ought to realize there are better things than greasy New York meats and cheeses."
"I've been out-of-state, and my favorite place remains my urine-stained city, thank you." He felt her ruffle his hair and he ducked, glancing over at her in surprise. "What's this?"
"Careful; don't let me see your temper. We have to let it build back up for the interrogation."
"What interrogation?" He frowned and stacked the papers he'd spent the past five minutes shuffling around.
"We're going to catch this guy." Kailah indicated the printed sheets. "He'll be back in the country tomorrow. I'll stop in the judge's office for a search warrant and we'll nail the bastard in time to visit your mom."
He smiled, but after she spun away down the hall and made it to the elevators, he realized just what had happened. She was in deep, far too deep, and the moment his mother saw her, there were only two options. She would either fawn all over her and be gracious and loving, or she would be biting and cruel. Either way, Kailah would see something in him, either inciting pity or pride, and he grew more emboldened as time went on. Not only that, he sighed in frustration, but it had been what felt like weeks since he'd lost himself in his work.
Normally he could lock himself in his apartment and stare at photos or transcripts and become the killer. See what the killer saw. He could think like the killer without falling over; now the magic was paused. At the office, she didn't do anything in particular, but she was in the corner of his mind, peering over his shoulder, waiting to see his genius, and his genius was becoming increasingly gun-shy in her presence. He couldn't concentrate. He was growing attached and Wednesday he would either have her within reach or have to start over. Professionally, one was a fate worse than death, and personally, the other was a devastating blow to a phlegmatic and uncertain social self-worth.
When he noticed ten minutes had passed and he'd neither moved a single sheet of paper nor thought about the case, he drew himself to his feet and found his hands shaking and his palms sweating. He found himself walking quietly and calmly toward Ross' office, and when he slid inside, he shut the door and blinked when Ross glanced up.
"Bobby," Ross acknowledged and finished with some paperwork. "What's on your mind?"
"I need a new partner." He blurted and looked away, feeling like a giant kid in the principal's office.
Ross' eyebrows lifted. "You're kidding, right? What'd she do, call you 'Tiff' one too many times?"
And how did he explain how each day changed the meaning of that name? It was a teasing remark, an endearment, and so much more depending on context. Ross wouldn't understand, he concluded, and shook his head, biting his lip tightly. "I just need a new partner, Captain."
"You know you have to fill out the paperwork and write a letter." Ross reached hesitantly for the binding request forms. "What's going on, Bobby?"
He shook his head and looked at the floor dejectedly. "I can't concentrate anymore."
"Is it the music?" Ross seemed amused. "For all your quirks, you'd think you'd be a little more tolerant—"
"I love the music. I love all of it." He muttered bitterly and then felt himself flushing as he lifted his eyes to look into Ross'. "I'm just heading off the rest of it."
"You two haven't…you know?"
"No." He stood up a little straighter. "I bend rules; I wouldn't break them. I play fair."
"This isn't a game to you, though." Ross glanced at Goren warily and then dug in the drawer for the paperwork. "Is your partner returning these…?"
"I don't propose to know a single thing about Kailah." Goren replied smoothly and moved to accept the paperwork.
Ross held it away a moment longer. "You understand when you fill these out, we have to place Kailah somewhere else in the department. Her contract is in Major Case. Your merits are within warrant, but it's still…can you give me a waiting period to work it out or see if it's possible, anyway?"
Goren nodded somberly and finally felt his fingers close around the sheets. He stared at the top of the sheet and felt a stab of fear. He had never found out about Eames' request for transfer, but she had withdrawn hers. He had enough time, then, to figure out a way to co-exist with, and he hated calling it this, a crush. His face started flushing again.
"Take your time with those, Bobby." Ross sighed and picked up the phone.
Nodding, Goren slipped back out the door and to his desk. He shut the papers into the very back of his portfolio to fill out at home and found the burden on his mind alleviated. Now assured he was doing the right thing, he focused on the transcripts and formulated a plan to get the confession out of their guy.
He was torn over the impending issue. Goren had allowed two weeks to pass since first alerting his captain of his desire to have a new partner, and things had only gotten worse. Kailah seemed mostly oblivious to the havoc she caused, and when he got too distracted to focus, she reeled him in somehow. It sated him, and when he was calm, he was sure she was flirting with him, or babying him, or somehow coddling him. When she had met his mother, she'd seen the gambit.
Frances Goren started off a little warmer than usual and stayed that way a little longer than usual, but then she tired and Kailah insisted they leave, and they'd made it all of three feet toward the door when she started muttering in a delusion and reaching for things to throw. Goren took the brunt of the attack, keeping her from hurting anyone or causing much of a fuss, but the damage was done. Kailah had plastered a smile on her face and said in an earnest voice his mother was a gem. He hadn't believed her and had actually snorted a little and Kailah's smile had faltered.
"She tried as hard as she could in there, Bobby. I really like her."
He had successfully subdued the urge to hug her tightly, press her up against the nearest wall, and groan in relief. Someone who had met her loved her and understood the condition. Not as he did, but from a fresh set of eyes. If he wasn't careful, he was going to love this woman before he got himself free of her.
Moving quietly, Goren glanced up as Ross got off the phone in his office and sighed. He paused when Ross left his office and made a beeline for Goren.
"They don't have anything for her at MCS. They're talking maybe cutting her contract a little short. We'd pull in Bishop, or maybe ask Barek to make a visit." Ross sounded sort of dampened, as if he'd given up talking Goren out of it. "Is it a threat, Bobby? Is it really?"
"Yes and no," Goren sighed, feeling embarrassed and childlike again. He hated this feeling and wanted some conclusion to surface to give him solace, but it dragged on and on, and each time he had to justify himself. "She distracts me. I can't get the work done and it's unfair we have to rely on her so much. But I'm a grown man and I should figure out how to—"
"You're afraid of dealing with it, Goren? Mr. Confrontational?"
He was quiet.
"You think she'll be…less than understanding?"
And, just like in high school, he felt it. He didn't think she'd be disgusted or enthusiastic, there was just such room for either reaction. He'd let her in, he'd let her see his face naked and bare of all masks and excuses, and she'd either love him back and disarm him forever, or be disgusted with him and let him hide behind his books and hobbies like a good many of the others before her. Only this one worked with him. This one had Eames' approval. This one, he swallowed as he observed his feet, liked his mother. It was as if she had thrown open his closet of skeletons and hugged one, crying out, "Oh, this one is just so beautiful, Bobby!"
His body and mind ached. He sat down and shrugged and felt a hand press into his shoulder. Kailah sat on the edge of his desk. "Hey, big guy. No sleep again?"
"No, same as usual." He replied mechanically and tilted his head, looking at his papers. "I need some fresh air, I think. I can't concentrate."
"I know. Eileen is wearing a V-neck sweater straight to her navel." Kailah teased and Goren couldn't help but crack a smile. As he stood, Kailah patted his shoulder and slid over to her own desk. Ross watched Goren loosen his tie as he made his way to the elevators and sighed. "Detective Cairn?"
Kailah glanced up, knowing the tone as regretful reprimand. She was in trouble. "Yes?"
"My office, please?"
Goren stood outside 1PP and considered buying a pack of cigarettes, but quickly turned down the idea and lifted his finger to his mouth. A callous, most likely from rubbing the tip against hardcover book edges while reading, was starting to peel from the lack of use. He stared, and then stuck the finger in his mouth a little, and chewed on the callous, not caring he was giving up.
He had been outside for about twenty minutes when he heard Logan and Wheeler approaching from the garage area.
"We could get a subpoena. Or the possibility remains we could get the judge to sign a search warrant. We would find what we wanted either way." Wheeler was mumbling.
Logan had just opened his mouth to reply when the doors slammed open; they stepped away from the flurry of blonde hair and watched it march straight over to Goren and pull his shoulder. One look at Kailah and he knew Ross had told her. The betrayal didn't have time to sink in; a myriad of emotions were on Kailah's face, and Goren didn't know which to soothe or condemn first. He just worked his mouth wordlessly, finding no excuses and no courage, and the myriad on her face dissolved to one, furious expression. Her wrath manifested in form of fist, and before he could plea she listen, she had landed a solid right hook against his left cheek and he wheeled and rested his back against the building, looking at her in a daze. Her previous captain had been correct; her punches were nearly fatal alone.
"Real fucking smart, Bobby! What did I do? Huh? You want to explain what I've done so bad I have to be sent back to Portland?"
He looked at her miserably and touched his swelling cheek and shook his head. "Ross said he'd find you someplace here until—"
"The board reviewed my contract, asswipe." She clenched her fists and teeth and stood, her fists pressed against the sides of her head. She made a noise like she couldn't find words to express her betrayal and ire. "I work with one Robert O. Goren until his partner returns from undercover. He requests a transfer, they owe me nothing. I go back to Portland, back to mundane suburbia, and the biggest case I'll see this year is a florist found floating in the Pacific."
"Kailah—"
"Ross tells me you filed two weeks ago, Bobby. You can't tell me this? I thought we worked together." Her rage seemed to fade an instant, and her voice grew soft and vulnerable. "You're a lying bastard, you know that? I thought you might actually be sweet. You were always a gentleman, but that's learned behavior, isn't it? God, I've—"
"Kailah!" His breathing turned ragged and he nearly allowed his eyes to sting. It hurt to hear her say she suspected he had been utilizing some 'learned behavior' on her in order to put up a façade. "We really were doing well, I just…"
"You just can't concentrate anymore." Kailah parroted. "He said he wasn't at liberty to tell me why, but you just couldn't handle me anymore and he was sorry."
Goren felt like everything was crumbling around him very slowly. He watched from an outsider's point of view and saw a lover's quarrel. She doesn't know why he wants her to leave, and he can't tell her because it's just too humiliating. That was it, then; his pride was on the line and he couldn't stand the thought of laying his dignity out with it. She had already forced humility to show its head, but she wanted more from him and he couldn't give it. The thought of giving it made his heart pound and his head swim.
Kailah looked up at Goren's tortured face and knew it wasn't enough to know see he was aching over this, too. After all, she had seen him broken, empowered, arrogant, even, and it could all be a lie. The ache in his eyes could be as fake as the bond she had felt developing.
She felt her lips thin and Goren's eyes momentarily flitted over to watch. "So? You going to tell me why you just can't have me here anymore? What I've done that's so bad I can't even stay in New York anymore?"
"I didn't want you to leave New York, Kailah." He muttered quietly, and felt himself paddling clumsily for sanity so he could find a way out of the quicksand. Instead he sank faster and he dearly wished Eames would appear and guide him through this. She would know how to calm Kailah down and convince her it was all a misunderstanding.
"You're missing the point, Goren." Kailah's voice shook a little as she reached and seized his tie. Yanking, she pulled him nose-to-nose with her and stared at his blank brown eyes. "What did I do?" She had expected and hoped her voice would be more unforgiving and cruel. Instead she heard a shaky, hurt voice spill out, begging for some reason in the decision which seemed so sporadic and random.
Mustering up the courage, Goren only managed to spew the truth masked in ambiguity. "N-nothing, Kailah. You didn't do anyth-th-thing."
"Bullshit."
"I muh-mean it." He stuttered out and felt his cheeks redden. For God's sake, Goren. You're over forty years old. Get a grip; this is why you had to do this. She drives you crazy.
"So help me—" Kailah's voice turned from watery to hateful in an instant and Goren's sympathy sensors shivered unpleasantly. He could tell she was hurt and confused. He knew if he could somehow find the courage to explain, maybe she would—
She watched his face twitch and then his eyes turned away. She had witnessed the fear sweep over him again, and instead of allowing him to melt, she removed the heat from under him and observed at a distance, finding the weakest point to crack. The man didn't like being figured out, and he wasn't too much of a puzzle anymore. She had filled in big holes in her time with him. She could figure him out.
"Did you think I wasn't taking my job seriously enough?" Kailah asked, her voice soft and somewhat understanding.
Goren's eyes flashed over to her. "No, Kailah. You're a good—"
"Was it sophomoric of me to be so disturbed by the rape-murder serial? Did I lose your faith then?"
"No, Kai—"
"Was it too forward of me to be nice to your mother? To care about that? Too much?"
For a while Goren had forgotten Logan and Wheeler were standing nearby, but when she said that, he knew his cover would quickly be blown. He didn't say anything at first, but his voice lowered and he replied, "I appreciated that. She really likes you, Kailah. It wasn't any one thing, okay?"
"Well, it must have been something." She continued, finally loosening her fingers from his tie. She stood at arm's length, her arms folded tightly. "Did your partner have anything to do with this?"
"Eames?" He asked in surprise. "Nuh-no!"
Kailah was quiet, and he felt his heart start pounding frantically. No, no, no, please, no—
"It's not work-related?" Kailah's voice interrupted his mantra quietly.
He wanted to lie, he wanted to speak, but all he could do was shake his head firmly, trying to talk. Logan and Wheeler, still with jaws agape, still watching, saw a great man turning to ruins at the words of a woman. She stared at him coolly, waiting for his move, but when he offered none, she stepped closer.
"Does it have anything to do with your mother?"
"No." He finally choked out, and felt himself flailing. While trying to soothe her and prove to her she hadn't crossed any boundaries, he was giving away his hiding spot.
"Tell me, Bobby." She suddenly changed courses and her eyes softened. "Tell me. This isn't fair to either of us."
"Kailah," he tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, but she lifted her palm and pressed it against his collar bone and all the air went out of him. He closed his mouth and stared at her, unwilling to believe she was learning so quickly how to steer him around and usher him toward her goal.
"You think I won't understand?" She asked quietly as if challenging him, and then her eyes widened and the softness was gone. "You think I get you too much? Does it scare you I'm in this far?"
He wanted to sag in relief and terror. It was half the horror in his life right now, knowing his actions were all part of motives Kailah could deduce if given the right amount of time. But he leaned on it; he could be himself without fear of having to explain. She encouraged him to just relax and talk to her, and in the week following her visit to his mother, she'd forced him to be happy like she was, just out of infectious and sporadic friendliness. He hated it, but she was luring him further and further in, and pretty soon his storm-weathered ship was going to crash up against the reef and all he'd have would be her and her siren song.
"Coward," Kailah pushed his collar bone and he felt himself touch the wall of the building, pressed against it. He rounded his shoulders and pursed his lips, but didn't defend himself. It was the most accurate accusation he'd received thus far, and he didn't want to fight and give her more fuel.
But, despite everything Goren thought he knew about women, she didn't slap him, start crying, or walk away. The three types of women he had encountered in his life, the angry, the battered, and the sensible, were not present. She became none of them. She stood, her palm pressed against his chest, and he made a noise, pushing her hand away.
She shook her head, but her eyes remained locked on his. He wanted the interrogation to be over, and nearly laughed when the though soared across his mind. She put pressure on. He could get inside the head and work his way out into reality, drawing the criminal with him, but Kailah, she took a different approach from the victim's side of the bench. She worked her way in, and it was excruciating feeling her drilling away at his skull and unearthing insecurity after insecurity.
"Did you do this to Eames, too? Drive her away?"
He felt his skull crack; she was inside, and she'd done it by touching on one of his sorer spots. He reeled, looking at her, halfway crazy from her pushing and pulling, and pulled her upper arm. She stumbled forward and he pulled his teeth back.
"You are aware Logan and Wheeler have been standing there for the past ten minutes?"
"You send me back to Portland and everyone knows something you had a problem with is the reason. Why not head off the rumor mills and let them know first?" Kailah turned it around neatly, her voice devoid of all compassion.
He pushed her away from the wall of 1PP and tugged her upper arm away from the entrance where even more detectives were making their way in and out busily. Neither Logan nor Wheeler followed, but they didn't move from the doorway. They looked at each other, mouths agape, and hesitated, but moved a few steps closer to the garage where Goren had all but dragged Cairn.
"You stupid brute, you're hurting me!" Kailah struggled to free her arm. Goren just gritted his teeth and pulled her again, only loosening his hold when Kailah made a sound and lifted her arm, biting her lip. The bruise would probably circle her whole arm. He sighed; he was like a bull in a China shop. He had no idea when he was ruining a good thing.
"You," he let his tone become accusatory as he took his turn pushing her against the nearest wall. "You come in here, replacing my partner because she couldn't take it. She wanted in so bad, she wanted to help me, and she ran away to make me realize I could keep my distance if I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted someone to tell, and I wanted Eames back." He felt himself really making sense to Kailah, but her face remained impassive. "But you," he continued, his tone morphing into a disgusted one, "come in and I want to tell you everything. I wanted to, and I've never wanted to in my life. You lured me in, you lure me still, and I want nothing more of the attachment with it, Kailah. I can't concentrate, I'm—" He cut himself off and shot out a breath through his nose angrily.
Kailah waited a long time, but the hands on her shoulders didn't release her. His face, turned to the side, was slowly turning pink from red, and as she watched, his breathing softened and then became deep and silent again. He had a majority of his weight on his hip as he balanced with her as a way to steady himself against the wall.
She steadied her hand and lifted it; Goren didn't seem to notice, but she knew he did. Very carefully she placed a soft hand on his stubbly cheek and forced him to look over at her, but his eyes remained closed. She couldn't move her shoulders or slip from under them; she was afraid he might bolt. But he hadn't already. He had given her more than enough to draw the right conclusion, and while a "course of appropriate action" seemed very uncertain, she didn't bother herself with ethics.
She slid her fingers around to the back of his neck and sifted her fingers through his hair. He stiffened at first, starting to draw away, and Kailah freed one shoulder. He waited, not willing to give her the control to do as she wanted, and when he opened his eyes a slit to see her face, he was pacified to see she had the softened eyes of understanding back. He relaxed and she applied a gentle pressure on the back of his neck. His hand fell off her shoulder and collapsed limp at his side as she pushed herself forward and caught his mouth in a kiss.
If Ross had walked in, if the Chief of D himself had waltzed around the corner, Goren couldn't have moved to save his life. He was frozen, not quite returning the embrace Kailah gave him, but completely unable to move away. He had surrendered to it, and was quite willing to bet if she drew away and came again, he wouldn't say no. But Kailah only drew away, taking his lip with her a brief second, and then released his neck and his mouth, her eyes observing the careful disbelief etched on his face. She provided no additional signs, and simply waited.
If he's still afraid I'm luring him, there's not much else I can do.
Abruptly Goren's eyes flashed open and he stared at her, drinking her in without shame this time. She sensed his stare, but didn't watch. He knew there was some unspoken question now, and he was going to give an answer no matter what his next move was. So he awakened his unconscious arm and slipped it between her back and the wall and cautiously pressed his fingers into her hip. Kailah's head fell back and her eyes closed tighter. His other hand, still pressed tightly against the wall behind her shoulder, leapt away and tangled in her hair as she leaned into the arm holding her back and fell to one side.
"This is it?"
"I kind of made a big deal out of it." Goren defended in a soft voice.
Kailah smiled and then moved and rested her forehead on his. "Will you do me a favor and tell Ross we've worked it out? Tell him I don't need the transfer."
Goren nodded and closed his eyes, pressing a kiss to Kailah's cheek. He sighed, not entirely certain he was doing the right thing, but couldn't fight anymore. At least Eames would rest easier, he reasoned, knowing he wasn't shouldering the burden alone.