I promise I have not given up on this story. I have spent the last few weeks dismantling my computer and trying to figure out what in the world is wrong. I was initially hit by a virus, then a Trojan. Now, I can only run in safe mode!!!
But, at least now that I am finally in safe mode, I can type again. And, the good news for ya'll is that I've been writing by hand these past few weeks and have written quite a bit. So, here is the latest update, a little longer than usual, but ya'll have been so wonderfully patient!
I still own nothing related to Twilight.
Enjoy!
Five hours later Wade and I headed back to the house. I didn't think it was even possible for vampires to be exhausted, but physically I was sure I was there. It had taken me almost an hour to track Wade down once I left earlier. It was fucking impossible to drive around down here undetected. I couldn't be out in the sunlight so I needed the truck. I couldn't catch his scent in the truck, so I had to roll down the window. I sparkled when the sun hit me without the tint.
It was ridiculous; I thought I couldn't win.
But I did. I finally caught a break when the wind shifted on the shade covered streets of Old-Towne Spring. He was standing under the awning of a store on his cell phone. Enjoying the shade form the street, my window was still down so I could hear him during his conversation. With the wind blowing, I was too far away to hear the other side of the conversation but I knew he was arguing with the individual on the other side.
"I don't know what the hell is going on!" I heard him his into the phone. "Everything has shifted." He paced back and forth in front of the shop and for a moment I was afraid he would forget there were humans in the area. But, he reigned himself in as he exhaled an unnecessary breath.
"No, she wasn't there when I got to her house this morning." Okay, now he was talking about Bella; my ears perked up at that.
"Don't tell me how to do my job!" He growled into the phone before he slammed it shut. I took that as my opportunity to roll up to the curb next to him.
"Problems at work?" I asked. His head snapped up at the sound of my voice.
"What the hell do you want, Whitlock?"
"Oh, I'm 'Whitlock' now, am I?" He glared at me and my eyes never wavered. I didn't want to be here, but Bella asked me to so here I was. "Get in Mitchell."
He slipped into the truck and we were on our way. I concocted some bogus lead and we spent the next four hours chasing it down. I listened to his incessant chatter the entire time as the rest of my mind stayed focused on Bella. I wondered if she had made it home and what kind of shape she was in. I could tell from Wade's body language he was frustrated and anxious and I wasn't going to question him about it. Bella was the reason; I did not have to be a mind reader to figure that out. We had argued for the past few hours. I told him I had heard from Bella and she mentioned going to hunt down some leads. He was pissed about that and he was even more pissed that I would not give him any other information.
Adding to his frustration was the sheer fact that it appeared to him I could care less. He did have a good point with that when he asked me why the hell I was even here. I want answers; that's the only reason I'm still here. It's still simple – at least in theory.
Finally we rolled up the driveway towards Bella's house. Before I can even put the truck in park, Wade is out of the cab and barreling towards the front door. Sighing, I slip out of the truck to follow him well aware he really has no desire for my presence.
Fortunately me though, he doesn't fucking control me.
I reached the door in time to hear him start to yell. "What the hell were you thinking Bella?" he roared, startling her from where she was resting on the couch.
"Damn Wade," she replied with an extremely tired tone to her voice. "Do you think you can tone it down?"
"No Bella. I don't fucking think I can fucking tone it fucking down!" He stepped closer to her and I could see no fear in her eyes, just sheer frustration. "What the fuck were you thinking?"
"Back off, Wade." I stepped in, not really sure why. Bella can obviously take care of herself; she had clearly demonstrated that earlier. But that still did not give him the right to speak to her like that.
He turned and growled at me so low I was sure Bella couldn't hear. I couldn't resist smiling as I goaded him. "Go ahead," I replied just as quietly. "Tell me to leave. See what she says."
"Stop it!" Bella ordered her exhaustion evident as she tried to sit up. Something wasn't right though. My eyes focused on her more deeply as she again tried to sit up.
Wade sunk to his knees beside the couch, running a hand through her hair. "How bad is it Bells?" He whispered.
"I'm fine." She was lying and we both could tell.
"Bella," he warned. I had no clue what was taking place but I was certain I was about to find out.
She sighed, throwing her head back against the edge of the couch forcing air to move deeply through her body. I actually wished I could help her calm herself but that would be ridiculous because calm would be the last thing she would feel from me; she was obviously hurting and she didn't need anymore pain from anything I could send her. When she opened her eyes her brown ones stared deep into mine, locking gazes with me. She took one last deep breath and lifted her shirt to expose her stomach.
"Son of a bitch," I heard someone mutter shaking my head when I realized that voice belonged to me. This had to have come from the blow I watched her receive earlier. But as she stared at me panic flooded her eyes. I nodded my head once assuring her I would not let on that I knew where she received the severe bruise. But, she would answer my questions later, all of my questions.
"What the hell happened?" Wade asked the question I knew the answer to but I was desperate to hear her explanation anyway. His hand brushed across the discolored flesh in front of him and she winced in pain. I had a sudden uncontrollable urge to rip his hands from his arms.
"I ran into John earlier." His eyebrow arched at her answer but he waited for her to continue. Obviously he knew who John was; he had more information than I did. "He had some friends with him. I killed one. One charged me. He and John walked out. It's no big deal."
"No big deal? How can you say this is no big deal? Damn, Bella, you've probably got several broken ribs here. What did he do, get a direct hit on you?"
"More like a direct kick," I muttered behind me. Bella shot me a murderous glare.
"How would you know Whitlock?"
I sighed. I should have just kept my mouth shut. "Look at the size of the print on her stomach. That isn't a hand print; it's a shoe print."
"He kicked you?" Wade was incredulous.
"Yes," she sighed, closing her eyes again obviously working to close out the rest of the world.
"How many times?"
"Just once. We fought some after that but he never got another direct hit."
"This has got to stop, Bella," he admonished.
She shook her head back and forth trying to break in but he continued. "I'm serious, Bella. She is not giving up; she won't give up. You are going to end up getting killed."
"I won't stop, Wade. Not until she is destroyed or at the very least decimated enough to no longer be a threat."
"Maria will never not be a threat," I added breaking into their conversation. Both heads turned in my direction and I almost wished I hadn't spoken. But I continued anyway. "You know I'm right, Wade. She's just as dangerous now as she was a hundred and fifty years ago. Maria has an unquenchable thirst for power and nothing will ever satisfy her. Hell, she could be as powerful as the Volturi and she would still want more."
"Yeah, well you would know about the Volturi, wouldn't you?" Wade interjected with a look of frustration on his face.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything? This isn't about me. It isn't about you. It's about Bella and her apparent desire to stop a previously unstoppable force." I looked pointedly at Bella and I saw her roll her eyes at me.
"What I do with my own life has nothing to do with you, Jasper."
"That's where you're wrong Bella. Your life right now has everything to do with me because of the choices you are making!" I had to get out of here before I did something stupid. So I bolted barely slowing down long enough to open the door.
I ran. I had no need to hunt, no need to feed. But I had to escape. This is crazy; she is crazy. I don't know how she thinks this nonsense can continue to go on or why she is even doing this but it is stupid. Bella is an amazing woman, I'll definitely give her that. There is more about her than I ever realized when I knew her in Forks. But, she is still a human and a human has no business taking on one vampire let alone an army and its creator. She knows how dangerous we can be.
For the first time in five years I consider calling the Cullens. Do they even know what she is doing? Would they even care? Obviously they don't care enough for her which made absolutely no sense to me. Edward and Alice were the heartless ones, everyone else just followed along with whatever they suggested. Obviously they had never told Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, or Rosalie what Bella was up to; I was certain she wouldn't be in this position if they had known.
Standing perfectly still, I let the evening surround me. Darkness was beginning to fall but the Texas sunlight filtered through the trees refusing to go quickly. I moved my head from side to side slowly sucking in the unnecessary air around me. Control was not lost to me this afternoon; it was tightly coiled in my core suffocating any other emotion or desire that even hinted at escape. I made my way back to Bella's. We would have this conversation and I would leave; I needed to leave.
I stalked up the steps to her front porch, unsure of what would await me when I reentered the house. As I stepped across the threshold I realized Wade was gone and Bella was upstairs in the shower. At least it sounded like she was. I could hear the water running as well as the sound of her heart beating. However, knowing about her earlier stunt, I climbed the stairs to stand outside the bathroom. Bella's scent, intensified by the steam, wafted from the room and I could hear her humming softly to herself assuring me she really was behind the door. I couldn't help but smile as I made my way back down the stairs. Had I not known about her hidden technology upstairs I would have been fooled the moment I entered the house.
She joined me on the couch ten minutes later, the heat from her shower still intensely radiating from her body. "I wasn't sure you would come back," she whispered.
"You told me you needed me to come back," I answered purposely twisting her words from earlier to see her reaction. I was not disappointed.
"No," she frowned. "I told you I needed you."
"It's the same thing, isn't it?"
Her head shook back and forth emphatically.
"What do you want from me Bella?"
Silence spanned the distance between us and I could see she was struggling to find the words to answer my question. She wanted assurance, comfort, the calm she thought she knew I could bring. But I wouldn't, couldn't, give it to her. I waited, knowing she would be honest when she finally chose to answer me.
"I don't know, Jasper. I can't explain it."
"Try." None of this would make sense to me if she couldn't voice it. I wasn't even sure why I was still here other than the fact that she asked me to be. But even that did not make sense.
She sighed and I could see her shifting on the couch, straightening her abdomen; I knew she was trying to ease the pain from her earlier stunt. "I guess it is pretty simple when I think about it," she began. "I hate Maria, from what I've heard about your past, you hate her too. I want your help to make her disappear, for good."
"That's twice now you've indicated you know about my past. But I have to wonder if you really do."
"I know more than you think I do, Jasper."
"Tell me." I instructed, almost ordered.
"Does it matter?"
"If we are going to work together Bella, even for a short period of time, I need to know if I can trust you and you need to know if you can trust me." She started to interrupt, no doubt to assure me that she could but I quickly cut her off. "You don't know the real me, Bella. You know the pixified version of me, the Alice Cullen original, and you know what you have heard, but you don't know me."
Hesitantly, she reached a hand up, pressing her warmth against my cheek. "I know who you could be. I know how I feel when I'm with you."
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I closed my eyes, shaking my head back and forth thinking about how stupid this whole situation had and could become. "I'm not going to discount what you feel Bella, but I am going to caution you those feelings could be misplaced. I'm not someone you should trust."
"Why don't you let me decide that?" She was adamant, stubborn, and tenacious and I fought back a smile.
"Talk to me. Tell me what you think you know about me and how you came to know it."
"Nope, It's your turn to start." She smiled and flinched again as she fell back against the couch. "I talked first last night and then fell asleep; it's your turn to go first tonight."
Damn. I had promised her last night that I would give her something. I racked my brain trying to come up with a quick story I could pass off so I could get to the conversation I really wanted. But her next words blew that plan out of the water.
"Why can't I feel anything from you Jasper?" She asked, her eyes wide and sincere as she looked at me. She genuinely wanted to know the answer, wanted to know about me.
"Because nothing controls me anymore, not my emotions, not Alice, nothing. I control my life. You don't feel anything because I choose not to feel anything anymore."
"That doesn't make sense. How do you go from feeling everything around you, magnifying it and giving it back to others to not feeling anything at all?"
"Simple. I've closed myself off."
She gasped at the harshness of my tone, my words and asked the one question I didn't want to answer. "Why?"
"You really don't want to hear this story, Bella."
"Don't tell me what I do and do not want to hear you sanctimonious son of a bitch!"
I chuckled slightly at her angered tone. She was so easy to rile up; in another lifetime I really could have had fun with her. "Calm down Darlin'. I only meant that you might not want to hear it because it begins the night of your 18th birthday; I didn't know how comfortable you are with that topic."
"That was a lifetime ago, Jasper."
"Five years, Bella. That's all, just five years."
"It may be just five years, but more has happened to me in that time to equate to multiple times."
My eyebrow arched at her over that. "We will discuss that too, Bella."
She nodded. "I promise. But right now, I want your explanation."
"Fine." I took an unnecessary breath and launched into my story. "I don't know how much you know about the night of your birthday."
"I was there Jasper and I have the scars to remember that night."
"Yes, but do you know the truth, or do you know Edward's version." Her eyes widened and I had my answer. "Bella, I didn't try to kill you that night. Hell, the scent of your blood didn't even initially register with me."
"But you launched yourself at me; you were so desperate to move past Edward and reach me."
"Yes, but not for the reason you think." I sighed and looked down at my hand which had somehow begun to rub circles along the soft skin of her foot and ankle. "The thing that registered with me was the feeling of pain and desperation radiating from the room."
"No one was hurt until I got thrown into the coffee table."
"Edward was."
"No, he wasn't. He was fine. I cut my finger, his eyes blackened, and then you stepped forward. Why am I reliving this, Jasper? You were there."
I ignored her question for the moment. "Think about what you just said. Why would Edward's eyes have blacked before I stepped forward?"
"He read your mind before you moved," she answered weakly, already doubting the answer she had given, the one obviously supplied by Edward.
"Did he?" I scoffed. Talk of Edward's mind reading or Alice's predictions were tiresome. Both were relied on way too much and both were faulty. "Edward didn't read my mind Bella. If he would have taken the time to do so, he would have been warned about what was happening."
"Explain it to me then, Jasper."
"It is simple. What was the one thing Edward was always drawn to about you, almost above anything else?"
Recognition flickered across her face. "My blood," she whispered. "My blood called to him before we first met, after we met, anytime we were together. It called to him that day didn't it?"
"Yes."
"And your desperation towards me was never about draining me, was it?"
"No."
"Did they know?" Her teeth were clenched together and it was obvious she was trying to keep her own anger in check.
"Did who know?" I honestly wasn't sure which family members she was referring to.
"Edward and Alice," she practically roared. "Did. They. Know?"
It was my turn to sigh because this was a question I used to ask myself often. "I honestly don't know, Bella. I think on some level Edward knows, has always known. But I was an easy target, the weakest link. Why make himself look like the aggressor when he can play the martyr?" I couldn't keep the venom out of my voice even if I tried. "Alice and I never spoke after that night and she certainly wasn't up for listening to my side of things."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means I was kicked out of the house, out of the family. Alice demanded I leave the house that night and never return."
She was stunned. I actually made Bella speechless, for a moment at least. "Are you fucking tell me they forced you to leave?"
"Yes." My answer was matter of fact, no emotion and I could tell it bothered her.
"There's more to it though isn't there? Your answer still doesn't tell me why you've totally closed yourself from all emotions."
"I haven't closed myself off from all emotions Bella; I still allow one."
"Which one."
"The only one I felt that night. The only emotion I've ever felt powerful enough to drop me to my knees. Pain. I felt enough pain that night to last me several lifetimes."
"How? Edward couldn't have been hurting that bad and my physical pain never really registered with you."
"Bella, everyone was in pain that night. You hurt, Edward hurt, the rest of the family hurt, even I hurt. That much hurting and anger revolved around itself so much and it created an enormous amount of pain."
"What about Alice?"
I winced and I know she noticed. "What about her?"
"You didn't mention her in your litany of those who hurt."
"No, I didn't." How could I even voice what happened with Alice when I don't even understand it myself? "Alice hurt; she was in pain unlike anything I had ever seen. She had just watched her best friend almost become the next family meal and as far as she was concerned, it was because of her husband. She was furious." The movement of my fingers on her ankle continued softening the conversation, giving me something delicate to hold onto as I continued. "She murdered someone that night."
"No!" Bella gasped. "Alice wouldn't do that, she couldn't have done that."
"She did, Bella. I saw the proof with my own eyes. Alice fled right after the present incident. She came back hours later with the proof tinged in her eyes." I still remembered the look on her face at that moment; it would be forever etched in my memory.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why would she go out and kill someone? That doesn't sound like Alice and it doesn't make sense."
"None of that night made sense, Bella. Alice explained, as much as you can call yelling an explanation, that she was hurting so much she had to release some of that pain, some of that aggression. When we hunt, it acts as a release."
"So, you're telling me that Alice murdered another human being because she was upset and needed to let loose on something?"
"Yes"
"And this lack of control, she blamed it on you?"
"It happens, Bella. I do that when I hunt."
"Oh I get the release, Jasper. I really do." She was fighting back a smile and I couldn't for the life, or unlife, of me figure out why. But then, she lost it. First she began chuckling and before I knew it she was completely immersed in full out laughter.
"What the hell are you laughing at Isabella?" I used her full name, trying to ground her back in the reality we were currently in but she continued laughing, straining against the injuries of her body in her laughter.
"Don't be angry, Jasper." I rolled my eyes at her suggestion I might actually feel an emotion.
"Seriously, Bella. Stop." I ordered gruffly. "You're going to hurt yourself." I watched her wince again as she lay back against the couch situating her feet back in my lap.
"I'm sorry, Jasper, really I am." She seemed sincere enough as she searched for my forgiveness. I simply closed my eyes and she continued. "Seriously though, do you realize how completely and utterly ridiculous that is? Alice murders a human being simply because she was in 'pain'? I don't buy it."
"Pain can make you do crazy things, Bella."
"Yes, it can. Believe me, I know. But even when you are in pain you are still very much in control of your choices."
"And when were you in such a state that you would even have any idea how Alice felt?"
Her eyes darkened almost immediately and it was obvious she was being transported to some memory. "You have no idea what I've been through," she whispered through clenched teeth.
"Enlighten me." I realized as I shard my story with her that I wanted, no needed, to hear all of hers. This moment felt comfortable, right. The world lost to us; in the moment it was only Jasper and Bella and I wanted that to last.
"I thought it was my turn to ask the questions." She smiled but I could tell she was still hesitant.
"It was. Now it is my turn."
"Fine," she huffed, crossing her arms across her chest but immediately pulling back when they touched her bruise. "Bt you have to promise me something."
"I don't make promises I can't keep."
"You can keep this, Jasper. All I want you to do is think."
I arched my eyebrow. "That's it, just think?"
"Yes. Please think about what I've said. You are not responsible for Alice's choices." I started to protest but as she glared at me I shut up. "Alice is a big girl, Jasper; she makes her own decisions and is responsible for those actions. I will not discount that she may have been hurting but it was unforgiveable of her to blame those choices on you. If there is one thing I learned about Alice Cullen it is that she is the Master of Choices, even being responsible for altering other peoples' at times. You are not at fault, Jasper. Think about that."
Her face was so sincere and I could feel the pain roll in my core trying to force its way out of my body in an effort to make room for her emotions to filter in. I could practically taste the urge to let her in. But I refused to let the pain out. I told myself it was because I didn't want to expose her to the pain, but it was more than that. I didn't want to lose what precious little control I have over my life.
"Why am I here, Bella?"
"I thought you wanted answers." Her answer was simple and it should have satisfied me, but it didn't.
"No. Why am I here now with you in your home."
She didn't answer me but pressed her foot against my thigh, silently pleading with me to continue rubbing her foot. I complied immediately and she relaxed back against the couch. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. How is this okay with you?"
"I don't know how to answer that Jasper, because I don't know what the answer is."
"You obviously have some reason though." I was pressing her and I knew it. But, I had to know her answer because her answer might provide me with some clarity.
She sighed and winced again as she moved to sit up. "I don't really know Jasper, I just know that I want you here with me. I feel connected to you in so many ways, our hatred for Maria, our mutual disdain for Alice and Edward, our dysfunctional relationship with the rest of the Cullens. I know so much about you and I want you to know just as much about me. Does that make sense?"
I nodded my head but my mind was still swimming. Our connection made sense and every link she pointed to was accurate. But there was something else there. She continued.
"I don't know why, Jasper, but I feel safe with you."
"Don't feel safe with me, Bella." I ordered. "And don't make the mistake of trusting me. Nobody else does."
"You're wrong, Jasper. Your crew trusts you, Aro trusts you, it only makes sense for me to trust you."
"How they hell do you know about any of them?" I whispered.
"Tell you what, Jasper. It's only 8:00. Let me make something to eat and find something to take the edge off this." She pointed to her stomach as she tried to stand. "I'll tell you my whole story after that. Then you can decide what you want to do."
I nodded my head as she stood already knowing what I would do. I would hear her story and as soon as I got the information I wanted, I would leave. It's what I needed to do and it is what was best for me. I was sure of that.
As always, please review. I live for your opinions and always try to respond to each of them. Now, I'm off to review many of the chapters I've been unable to read/review the past few weeks.