Sunday 7th October 2007 – Entry 2
So I had a couple of weird phone calls this afternoon. Someone, from a Chester number called and hung up, three times. Part of me hopes it was John Paul but I'm not sure, it doesn't seem like something he would do, mind you, a few weeks ago I didn't think I'd do that! It seems like just the kind of thing Sarah would do and I just hope to god it's not her. I really hope she's moving on.
I managed to pry Lexie away from her computer tonight. Other than going to lectures she hasn't been out all week. With all her mood swings this week I'd almost forgotten how much I loved talking to her. We just chatted for hours about everything and nothing, it felt like our first day here together. We talked about my night out last night and the girl I ended up with. We talked about John Paul and my calling him and she told me again to call him, get back in touch, she told me I'd regret it if I didn't try. I know she's right, sorta, I'll always regret how things ended with John Paul but I can't make the first move, I just can't.
She did that thing again where it's like we're having this great two way conversation but she barely talked about herself. I finally just came out and asked her what was going on. I asked her why she never talked about herself. She laughed it off and said she wasn't very interesting and there really wasn't much to say, then tried to move the conversation back to me but I kept pushing her. I told her how I knew all these details about her but nothing more than a list of facts. I know what she's studying but not why? I know what music she likes, but how did she get into it? I know what foods she does and doesn't like, but how did she get so fussy? I know she has a sister, but I know nothing else about her family. I told her how I feel like she knows all the most intimate details of me and my life but I know nothing about her. She got very uncomfortable, looking at the table, playing with her nails, looking like she was trying to think of something to say. I should have stopped, I should have let it go, but I pushed it further. I told her how I'd noticed she seems to keep her skin, particularly her arms, covered most of the time, I told her that it didn't matter to me why she was guarded, but I wanted her to know I was there for her if she needed me. She's been such a good friend and I just want to do the same for her. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, said thanks but tried to assure me again that she was fine, there was no problem. She reminds me so much of myself, scared and unsure underneath, trying to convince everyone, including herself that she's fine and confident. I left it at that, but she was quiet until we got back, then she locked herself in her room again.
I like being with Lexie, she helps me miss John Paul a little less.
Wednesday 10th October 2007
I dreamed about him again last night.
It's so vivid in my mind, I can't shake it.
If I close my eyes I can still feel him. I can feel his hands caressing my skin and his lips on mine. I can feel him inside me, pulsing, pushing, thrusting, harder and faster. I can feel his breath as it comes in hot
gasps against my throat; even thinking about him like this is making me so hard. I can't believe how much I want him.
Friday 12th October 2007
I had another two phone calls/hang ups from a Chester number today. I think I'll take Lexie's advise and call or txt John Paul.