So I got the idea for the chapter from the "Sherlock Fandom: We did what?!" panel at Dashcon. It was just so ridiculous that it demanded to be written so this may be touch NSFW!

VIII

"So why are you making all these sweets anyway, Loki?" Sherlock asked as he watched Loki – or more specifically his delectable behind – sashay about 221b's tiny kitchen. Before the detective sat an array of sweets and pastries decorated in various shades of hot pink and glittering black. Sherlock couldn't resist popping a particularly pink cupcakes into his mouth, praying his immortal lover would not notice his thievery. Sherlock never knew his God of Mischief could cook with five star expertise (the myths certainly didn't cover that), but he was somewhat grateful for the newly discovered skill. Though he knew how to cook, the sleuth did have a habit of accidentally mixing dinner with his latest experiments (who were currently tucked into various drawers to keep them out of Loki's way.)

"Mary is having a little 'girls only' party and asked me to help her with food and snacks. I'm in charge of desserts and keep your hands off them please, Mr. Holmes." The offender quickly retracted his hand from a tempting macaroon at the veiled threat.

"I didn't touch them."

"Just because I'm not looking at you, Sherlock Holmes, doesn't mean I can't see you."

"You don't have eyes on the back of your head, Loki. I'm fairly certain I would have discovered that already. And I am merely performing quality tests."

"I am a father, Love. I don't need them to physically be there. Besides I know how your 'quality tests' usually end for my cooking. Now be a good boy and get the chocolates out of the refrigerator." The god returned to whatever goodie he had in the oven as his devoted mortal grumbled over his moniker of choice but did as requested.

"Where did you even learn to make all of these?" Sherlock asked, not even trying to hide his childlike annoyance. He really wanted another cupcake…

"House arrest only allows me so many options for entertaining myself whilst you are off solving crimes. It's either very bad telly or cooking shows. And since terrible television only makes me wish to conquer this planet again or just destroy it."

"I definitely prefer you watching cooking shows," the consulting detective joked as the god pulled a fresh tray of what appeared to be tiny variations of slices of cake.

"Yes, I find cooking and baking to be far more calming."

"Loki. What the bloody hell are these things?!" Loki didn't have to turn around to know what had startled his precious little mortal so much. The beautiful amount of stunned disgust and twinge of horror told him what Sherlock had found. "Loki…"

"They are merely chocolates, my love. Perfectly harmless."

"If I am not mistaken, these 'harmless chocolates' are shaped to look like… anuses."

"You are not mistaken."

"… Why are you making chocolate anuses, Loki?"

"Mary specifically requested some more… 'risqué' treats. Of course, I am more than happy to oblige."

"I am ninety-nine point nine percent certain this is not what she meant, Loki. Where could you have even possibly learned to make these?" The god of mischief couldn't help but grin, relishing his precious sleuth's confused disgust. There was something satisfying in rendering the unflappable Sherlock Holmes into a confused stupor. He really had to do it much more often.

"Well why not? That counts as risqué does it not?"

"Maybe for a party at a gay club not for a girl's night out! There it's just disgusting."

"Well then Mary should have specified otherwise. And to answer your previous question, I got this ingenious idea from a rather clever podcast."

"How? You don't have any way to listen to podcasts."

"Yes I do."

"… Did you steal my Starkpad again?"

"You weren't using."

"This is not what you use Starkpads for!"

"I'm fairly certain the Man of Iron would approve of how I use your technology. And since when are you bothered by what is or isn't appropriate, Sherlock? You are the last person I would expect to care."

"Because John is far too intimidated of you but not me – Don't smirk at that! Thus he'll go after me over something you have done which he doesn't approve of, you troublemaker. Besides who would actually eat something like this – Why are you still smirking?!" The god had been wearing the obnoxiously smug grin for the entire conversation and quite frankly it was starting to irritate the mortal. To make matters worse, Loki's right eyebrow was raised in a way that was always a precursor to mischief.

"You, sir, are jealous." The pan of chocolate anuses would have met the floor if it wasn't currently frozen to his hand. So Sherlock's jaw too it's place. Loki was unrepentant, visibly drinking in Sherlock's reaction. "You wish to keep these deliciously wicked treats for yourself don't you?"

"Loki!"

"That's not a denial, Beloved." He began to saunter towards the gob struck sleuth, his hips swishing in a seductive way that only the god could pull off. If Sherlock wasn't so distracted by the provocative chocolates, he would have a far more troublesome concern. "You want to keep these treats all to yourself because you are not as run by your mind as you claim to be. You are as much slave to your desires as you are master."

"It's not going to work, Loki."

"Is it not?" By now, Loki's eyes had heated to smoldering emeralds, locked onto the detective's with a hunter's focus. "Sherlock Holmes… The Hero without a heart…" A slender hand plucked one of the treats from the tray. "Disarmed by one…"

"Loki…" No, Sherlock's voice had not gone hoarse. It was from shock.

"Little…" The god's tongue made a slow, sensual sweep of his bottom lip, the chocolate making its way to his expectant lips. "Chocolate…" With that, Loki popped the one little chocolate anus into his mouth, meeting Sherlock's flushed shock with his smoldering seduction. "What would the others think if they realized your simple weakness? To know you are just as carnal a creature as anyone else?"

"I – ahem – am not." Which wasn't completely untrue despite his body's current reactions. Sherlock himself wasn't a very sexual person. He enjoyed the act like every other man but he could very easily live without it. It wasn't a daily or even yearly concern for him. Loki, however, lived up to his mythical reputation in that aspect. "You just can't take these to a ladies party. A gay club perhaps but not-"

"Good thing they're not for Mary's party then." The consulting detective became speechless yet again as only Loki and a select few could do. Was this idiot joking?

"What?" Loki leaned against the counter, popping another chocolate into his mouth.

"These aren't for Mary and her party. I just wanted to see your reaction. You're not the only one who can perform experiments."

"You… You lied to me…"

"You're shocked?"

"Over chocolates?"

"Yes." Loki was not continuously munching on the offending chocolates as he spoke. "Much tastier than the actual thing, mind you." Sherlock had no words. If John were watching this exchange, he would probably make a snide comment about that Sherlock had little right to judge. That he had performed far worse experiments on other people. But Sherlock was continuously shocked by Loki's twisted sense of humor. Who else would make chocolate anuses for fun?! "Want one?" The mischief god held a chocolate to his mortal beloved.

"No. I do not want a chocolate body part, Loki." What he wanted to do was choke the ever loving Hel out of his mischief maker. But since Sherlock was fairly certain he wasn't physically strong enough to choke a god, he decided to try to suffocate him with a particularly violent kiss.