Chapter Nine

Breathing Out, Breathing In

For five minutes from one o'clock when she woke Bella sat straight up in her bed. She watched Jasper move about the room distorted in a haze packing her things in her suitcase. Though it didn't hurt, Bella rubbed her head, it was purely because she didn't know what to think.

There was a dream. It was like a word at the tip of her tongue. It was so close but she couldn't recall it. It was infuriating.

"Are you all right," Jasper asked pausing on his way to her closet.

She nodded and he returned to his packing.

She should have been packing herself or at any rate in the bathroom dressing for the day. She had the notion that they were going to New York and that he cleared up everything for them to do so. Her heart was fluttering at the belief that she would soon be like him. Irrevocably an equal.

"Jasper," she finally said and he faced her, her faded green shirt in his hands. She felt embarrassed about him handling her clothing, it all being so ragged and different from Alice's brand-named ones. "Are we going to New York?"

He folded her shirt neatly and laid it in the suitcase. He sat across from her in an identical position, his knees to his chest, his chin to his knees. "Yes."

"There's more to it, isn't there?" She only remembered that she had a dream... But was it a dream? Either way it was telling her that something was incomplete.

He smiled. "Everything will be fine, Bella. Jacob's fixing the damage in the kitchen, but told Charlie that he came by here to see you off because you were visiting Alice last minute and that he saw roaches. He's having the place exterminated and Charlie is staying with Billy. That'll keep him out of here until it is remodeled."

"Shouldn't I say goodbye to him?" She didn't know if she could or if she wanted to. It would be hard. It was better if Charlie believe anything else other than she never came back because she didn't want to. It wasn't exactly true and it would hurt him too much. She couldn't bear that. She wanted him to know that she was happy.

"I forged a letter. Jacob said Charlie was very understanding, that maybe it's what you need." His grin was sad.

He thought of everything... "There's more?"

He nodded infinitesimally. "There is, but before I tell you I want to do something." He moved into a crouch and crawled closer to her. "Have you feel something is more like it."

"What is it?"

"My love for you. I try to reign in my emotions so other's won't be bothered, but... I want you to feel this before we go..." He crawled forward between her legs and placed his hands tenderly in her hair. He pulled her to him, his cool forehead to hers, and as she breathed out he breathed her in. "Ready, Bella dear?"

She mentally shook her mind clear, becoming befuddled by his closeness in a way that she hadn't ever been before. The sweet smell of him... Could she smell better to him as so many vampires have told her? "Yes..."

She compared every feeling that Jasper gave to a wave, or at the very least a calm passing. What he did to her then could never be compared to them. It was a tsunami, a greater storm than she had ever experienced and it swept her away. It took her breath from her lungs, and he gasped but she barely heard it. The love was making her heart burst.

Every cheesy thing she thought or felt wasn't anymore. They weren't cheesy, they were real and those who thought so were the ones who hadn't felt love before.

What was more wasn't just the emotion that Jasper was giving her but her own love for him that was bigger than anything she had felt before. She thought it would kill her, it was too much. It intensified between them, building until his lips were on hers like an outlet flowing between them.

He was pushing her back against the wall, and his hands gripped her arms holding them afloat. It was air. He was her air, her sun, her world. He was her everything, and as cheesy as that may have sounded earlier it couldn't have been more true.

The love was reined in, and Jasper released her, his eyes never leaving hers.

She whimpered from the loss of his cold lips and suddenly started crying. Large uncontrollable tears were wetting her lips. She tasted salt.

He touched her cheek in sorrow. "I'm sorry, that was a bad idea."

She shook her head. It was the best idea. "No, thank you. It's just..."

"What is it, love?"

"It was overwhelming," she laughed.

He snickered but that abruptly stopped when looked down. He hissed in a breath as if he received a shock of something horrid. "We're going to change you." His fingers brushed her arms.

She glanced down and saw the fresh black bruises in the shape of his hands. "Accident," she declared strongly.

"Always an accident..."

Now that his lips weren't on hers, or anywhere near for that matter, she could think clearly. "What were you going to tell me, Jasper?"

His gorgeous face twisted in pain. "Edward knows. Everything. He's there waiting for us. He wants you back, Bella."

She flinched in waiting for the tearing of her chest to start at the thought of seeing him again, of him wanting her even if it sounded far fetched, but the tearing didn't come. Instead she tried to smooth the pain out of Jasper's forehead and lips with her fingertips. He moved just enough to break the contact, putting distance between them.

"I love you, Jasper."

"It might not be enough."

"How can it not be? Alice -"

"Alice's vision changes based on choices, you know that," he spat starkly, the pain not leaving him, it hurting her, the tightness in her chest overwhelming her as much as his emotion of love.

"I choose you."

He softened. "You don't have to decide now."

"I decided when you came back, before I even knew there was a choice."

"I know that you're sure, I can feel it."

"Then -"

"Things can change. You can look at him and change your mind." He took her hands with more gentleness than necessary. "Bella, one of the facets about being human is being able to alter and grow. You can grow with Edward. You can't grow with me, I'm not as strong as him - we've proven that. I've almost killed you twice within a year – within six months, and I want to kill you now. I want it so bad..." He swallowed thickly.

She was undisturbed about that as she always was. She knew what he was and she knew what she wanted to be. To be like him so she could be with him in every way. "What are you getting at?"

"That you're only human. And no matter what you choose for whatever reason, I will never stop loving you. I'll always be here. You know how much I love you now."

"Jasper -"

"If you want me, then tell me after you see Edward."

Angry tears seared her. "You feel everything I do! How come you can't feel this? I need you to feel this more than anything! How can you doubt me?!"

"I don't doubt you, Bella, but I know how it works. You've been away from Edward, perhaps..." He shook his head. "Feelings can change, Bella, no matter how strong they are at that time -"

"And you may change your mind about me -"

"I told you, dear, vampires don't change."

She threw up her hands. "So what are you saying? That I changed my mind once between brothers, what's one more time?"

"That's -"

"Jasper, I love you! I know how much you love me and you know how much I love you. You can't alter that, and if it worries you, change me now!"

Suddenly he leapt off the bed backing from her until he was flat against the wall opposite of her. He hissed, tensed. "Bella," he sighed softly, "I can't do that! Don't ask that of me, I'll suck you dry!"

"I trust you."

He slackened his stance but didn't move. "That's how I know we're the best for each other. You trust me when no one else does and I see you the way the rest don't. You'd make a powerful vampire, Bella. You don't fit into this world, you belong in ours. But you're still human... Nothing has to be decided at this moment. Remember, it's whatever you want. But I need to know that no feelings will stir when you see him. I need to know that you won't regret leaving him."

"Jasper -" she started on his silly resolution but he interceded her.

"Humor me, dear."

She nodded, folded her arms, and leaned onto the wall. She would humor him, but her decision wouldn't falter. She would become a vampire and she would go through eternity with him. Nothing would stop her, not even Edward.

It was time that she was let to make her own choices.

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