All I Ever Will Be

Chapter Ten - A Kindness

The realization that there were other people here, ones that could have been saved, was destroying Beth. She was a whirlwind of emotions. There were two bodies strewn about the floor, plus the bloody mess she'd made of the man in the room her and Daryl had been in. Daryl said he'd put down a walker and now, this woman, was a ticking time bomb.

She wanted to keep busy. Wanted to push the day behind her. Move on. Pretend none of it had ever happened. Beth came up behind the woman, announcing herself with a "Hi," and then, "I'm Beth."

The woman didn't turn immediately, continuing to knock things from the bookshelves that were built into the circular pillar, letting them fall with a thud to the floor. "Hi," she said quietly.

Beth didn't pry for her name, but she sat down on one of the couches, watching her intently. She was a small woman with dark hair and a slender figure. She had kicked off her shoes, Beth noticed, discarding them to the side, standing on her tiptoes to reach the things on the top of the bookshelf.

"Whatta think they kept all this down here for?" the woman asked.

"Dunno," Beth answered honestly. "Maybe it wasn't their place. Maybe they took it from someone."

The woman turned then, a steady stream of tears soaring down her cheeks. She wasn't sobbing though, or really crying even. She had a kind face and her features were almost similar to Maggie's, making Beth's heart hurt for a moment, remembering her sister. Missing her and wishing she was with her.

"Yeah, that makes sense," she said. She looked lost. Empty. Like she'd already died here. "You're lucky, you know?" she said to Beth. "Pretty thing like you. They would've destroyed ya."

The comment shocked Beth, making her stomach lurch with disgust, thinking about the moment she'd been pinned underneath that man's weight. The smell of him. She couldn't get rid of it.

The woman sat down on the couch across from Beth, touching her shoulder with her fingers, dipping her fingernails into the wound. Beth cringed as she watched her, pained by her movements, but the woman didn't seem to mind.

"I don't know how long we'd been here," Daryl heard as he walked in on the conversation. Silent, he sat down on the couch next to Beth. He hoped he was far enough away to not make it awkward. "They always came in messed up - drinkin' or usin'. They raped me almost every night - made my husband watch. Sometimes they'd talk about two other women, but no doubt they're dead too." She rubbed her shoulder, wincing in pain.

"The big one, he just went haywire. Killed Robert right in front of me and just left him in there to turn," she emphasized the last word. "I couldn't do anything to stop it." She was starting to cry. "I tried to prepare myself, you know?" she asked to no one in particular. "To lose him. It's been one bad thing after the next. We were never settled. Never safe."

"Us too," Beth sympathized softly. "I'm so sorry."

The woman looked up at her with tear filled eyes, smiling. "You guys have a chance," she said. "This place," she looked around, "It's big. Always heard them talkin' about how it was impenetrable - keeps the walkers out. You could be safe here. You could build a life. Start somethin'"

"How much do you know about this place?" Daryl asked, realizing immediately how insensitive it was. It was the first time he'd spoke and the first time the woman seemed to notice his presence since he'd released her from the room.

"Not much. Just that there's running water and electricity." She looked at the ceiling. "There must be something above fueling it." The woman wiped her brow with the back of her hand. She was sweating. Was the fever setting in already?

"All I know is that this place wasn't meant to be a prison," she said squeezing her eyes shut and wiping sweat away from her upper lip with her hand. Someone built it for people to live. And these assholes - they turned it into some kind of hellhole." It was silent for a minute then, and the woman stood up from her place on the couch, walking around the pillar and disappearing into the kitchen.

Daryl and Beth looked at each other, not speaking. The silence was enough. Could they have really found a safe place? A truly safe place where they could sleep at night? It seemed too good to be true.

The woman came around the corner then, holding a handgun and a half-filled bottle of red wine. She was taking gulps from the bottle as she walked towards them. She stopped in front of Daryl and dropped the gun in his lap.

"You need to help me," she said to him. "Please." He knew what she wanted. She was asking for the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate kindness. She wanted him to kill her before she turned.

Daryl stared at the gun and picked it up in his hands, the weight of it feeling unnaturally heavy. It was all in his mind, he knew. It was the weight of what he was going to do next - what he had to do. What he'd want done if it was him. He turned it over in his calloused hands and looked at Beth who had pulled her knees up to her chin, watching him intently.

"Please," the woman said, again. "Just put a bullet through my brain. I can't become one of those things," she said in a whisper. "I want to go as me."

The woman didn't wait for his response as she gulped down the rest of the wine, her back turned to them. When she was done, she placed the empty bottle on the floor and turned around to look at Daryl. "You ready?" It was more of a demand than it was a question.

He looked at Beth again. He wanted her to say it was okay - to give her approval. But she didn't. Her face didn't change, she just studied him as he took it all in.

"Yeah," Daryl said, standing up from the couch, looking away from Beth while feeling an unexplained tightness in his chest.

Daryl followed the woman as she walked back towards the room she'd escaped from earlier, where her husband lay as a monster. She walked into the room and got down on the floor beside him, turning to face him, tears spilling out of her eyes. She paid no attention to Daryl as he stopped in the doorway.

"I love you," she said to the dead man, placing her hand on his cheek. "I'm so sorry we didn't make it."

She glanced at Daryl who stood awkwardly at the door. "Come in," she invited him. He obeyed, coming to stand over her.

The moment was intimately real and excruciatingly devastating. He barely knew this woman but as he watched her his heart grew heavy. She poured her soul out to the dead body of someone she must have loved her whole life. What kind of love was that, Daryl wondered? It was nothing he had ever known. Her face was contorted, tears streaming seamlessly down her face, her thin lips stained with wine. She spoke to her husband in a whisper, saying things that were only meant for him. She had closed her eyes and was sobbing now, gripping onto the clothes of a corpse, wishing the world was oh so different.

But it wasn't - it was hell on earth, this nightmare they were living in where you could die at any moment only to come back and kill those you once loved. It was the cruelest sort of scenario he could imagine and Daryl felt his hands shake slightly as he lifted the gun to point at her brain. The woman was almost silent now,

"Holy Mary, pray for me.

Saint Joseph, pray for me.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, assist me in my last agony." She kept her eyes on her husband, but aimed the next words at Daryl.

"Do it."

And he did, the shot echoing loudly in the small room, making his ears ring. He lowered the gun to his side and let it fall with a clatter to the floor. He realized then that he was crying. The tears were unintentional, but he let them sit on his skin. They made him feel human again.

He stared at the woman, wondering why this kill had affected him so much when he knew it was so very necessary. After a short while, he left the room, leaving the bodies behind, not making a move to wipe the tears from his cheek. He walked to Beth, seeking her out, needing to see her face again. When he reached her, she stared at him over her knees.

"Did you do it?" she mumbled.

"Yeah, I did," he said.

"You should've had her do it herself," Beth said angrily. "It's not your place."

"It's a kindness, not a sin," Daryl grumbled, surprised by her words.

"Why's it so easy for you?" she exclaimed suddenly, jumping up from the couch to face him on her feet. "I don't know if I should be impressed or afraid 'a you," she yelled. "I feel like I'm gonna explode from what I did," she said spitting out the last word between her teeth. And suddenly, she crumbled in front of him, collapsing on the floor in an exhausted heap and he felt his frustration with her melt away.

"Beth," he said more loudly than he'd intended. "What you had to do was cruel and...terrible. I'm fucking sorry you had to do it. Sometimes these things - they're just...necessary." And he went to her then, grabbing her and holding her on the floor, rocking them back and forth together. Two broken souls colliding, distraught and angry at their situation with no way out.

She gripped him tighter and let out a heavy breath. "I need you to help me get past this Daryl." She paused and then said in a tiny voice, "I need you."

He couldn't help himself. He put his hands behind her neck and brought her face to his, kissing her. He needed to show her how badly he needed her. His chapped lips met her smooth ones, crashing together eagerly. They were tasting each other now, really truly savoring each other. The closeness was intoxicating. She was so soft and so perfect and so familiar in that moment. He felt her tongue behind her teeth and found it with his own, exploring her mouth slowly, needing to delve into every crevice to taste more of her. She gasped slightly at his perseverance and he smiled mid-kiss, feeling her do the same. A glimmer of happiness.

He broke away, slowly, letting their lips stick together, trying to catch his breath. He took her in, admiring her face, her blue eyes full of lust and her perfect pink lips, swollen from kissing. "I need you too," he said. His eyes met Beth's and she smiled, licking her lips and tasting him.

He could have kissed her again, but sleep had finally caught up to them. Together, they collapsed from sheer exhaustion, intertwined on the floor.