A/N: Yes. We are there. Please note the content of the chapter has been retooled from the O/S to keep the flow of the story.
elusivetwi Thank you for helping me get this entire story off of the ground in the first place. Thank you Kimmydonn for the care you give to my chapters and for your patience with my lateness.
nicnicd…Dude. You have made my year.
Disclaimer: Anything remotely resembling Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Any of the stories within, belong to me. Please do not copy or translate without permission.
Land In My Arms
Chapter 10
BPOV
New York City
With the clinking of silverware, the bustling of staff and the chatter of patrons, the noise probably sounded like every other cafe on the block. Despite the cacophony of sounds, the only thing audible to me was the sound of blood rushing through my ears. Sitting there staring at the magazine in my hand, I tried to formulate a clear thought.
"Sweetie, are you okay?" Sam, his voice full of concern, reached over to touch my arm.
"Yeah," I said absently. "I'm...yeah."
I frowned as I tried to wrap my head around it. Edward and Tanya? It didn't register. I'd never even heard him mention her name. Not even once. Running my thumb over the picture, I looked closer for anything I might have missed.
"Maybe I'm overreacting, Bella. It could be innocent for all we know. I mean, photographers take posed pictures all the time of random guests, right?"
Nodding noncommittally at Sam, I sat there for a moment and traced Edward's face with my eyes, trying desperately to discern any clues in the photo. He was smiling and looking out into the crowd, but not necessarily at her.
My brain was working overtime, trying to remember things he had said here and there, anything I might have missed along the way.
'…until recently I had been dating someone on and off, but it started to get really complicated.'
And there it was. A light came on in my head: Denali. Alaska. Colonel Tom Denali. Sam had said her last name weeks ago, and I hadn't paid much attention—he'd been in drama mode and I hadn't cared to engage in the gossip.
My thoughts spun to the party on the Fourth now; Edward and the Colonel had interacted easily, like they'd known each other for a while. Family friends...
'High expectations from both our families...'
The last name and the circumstances were too much of a coincidence for Tanya not to be the Colonel's daughter. I could have kicked myself for not putting two and two together earlier. But if he and Tanya were together, wouldn't Kate or Garrett have said something?
'You really should talk to him.'
Okay, maybe she had hinted and I hadn't been looking into her words in the right way. Not that I would have ever thought she meant this...
'Edward has to work himself through something.'
Then there was Emmett. Shouldn't he, as a friend of mine, too, have said something when I was at the ranch? I knew for a fact Rose didn't know. There was no way in Hell she wouldn't have said something to me.
Now, bits and pieces came flooding back to me.
What stuck out the most was the fact that he cancelled on me in April for a function he had to attend with his parents, in Denver. The gala. Every nerve in my body felt strained at the moment, and I closed my eyes and fought against the headache starting behind them.
"B, talk to me," Sam said in a worried voice.
"I'm fine."
I laid the magazine on the table and took a sip of my coffee, then tore off a piece of bagel and chewed it slowly. It tasted like cardboard. Right now this was too fresh for me to lay all my thoughts on the table, so to speak. It was a gut punch, painful and shocking. I swallowed my tasteless bagel and thought about what to say.
I cleared my throat and attempted a casual tone. "I mean really, Sam, it's not like we're together. We're friends, we took things a little farther than normal, but, hey, shit happens, right?"
Sam looked at me and, right then, I knew better. I was in way over my head.
"Girl, if that was me, I'd be on the phone right now asking his ass what the hell was up."
"Before I do anything I need to digest this, Sam. Like you said, it might be something completely innocent. Not anything to get too wound up about."
And, really, until I knew for sure, I refused to get hysterical. That wasn't my style, not at all.
"Are you mad?"
I had no idea what to do with this information yet. My insides were churning but I couldn't classify it as being mad. First, I wanted some answers. "No, just surprised, I guess."
"I'm really sorry."
I was sorry for a lot of things, myself. Not asking questions, trusting blindly, falling for someone who in so many words, warned me not to do just that...
"I know. Believe me, I am too."
-o—(_)—o-
Destination: Los Angeles
Unfortunately, we had an early departure time that we needed to get back to the hotel for, pronto. When Sam and I parted in the lobby, he gave my hand a squeeze and said, "See you in a little bit." I nodded at him and headed toward the elevator.
Upstairs in my room I gathered my things in a daze, glad for the folding and gathering that let me think of something else...if only for a short time. Once back down in the lobby, I shifted into pre-flight mode. The crew was gathering together prior to the van pickup time; Tanya was already there, sitting on the couch next to Lauren. My stomach lurched a little at the sight of her, but I pasted on that 'flight attendant smile' on my face the best I knew how.
There was no getting around standing near them with the rest of the crew. Sam wasn't downstairs yet, so I stood next to one of the other women I'd worked with the day before.
Bits of their conversation drifted my way. Lauren was talking about the workout she had done this morning while Tanya listened with a distracted look on her face. It didn't seem that she was participating in the chatter much, though I wasn't sure she would have gotten a word in edgewise. Just then she turned to look at me and smiled.
It was the same smile from the magazine picture, and though it twisted my stomach to think of it, I felt obliged to return the gesture. She had been nothing but polite to me the scant few times we'd interacted, but I still I couldn't help but be self-conscious, all of my senses on guard.
Sam wheeled his bag next to mine and lightly touched my arm when he entered the lobby. I gave him a slight smile and nod as we headed to load our luggage into the van. At this moment, I was acutely aware of everything Tanya said or did. I noted the impeccable uniform, the flawless makeup and hair. She was almost regal in the way she walked; random men on the sidewalk took note as she moved past them.
During the ride to JFK, I kept telling myself that until I talked to Edward, I couldn't assume anything. For all I knew they could just be childhood friends.
My instinct, however, was telling me something entirely different.
-o—(_)—o-
I worked through most of the flight as if on autopilot, , but a five and a half hour flight left a lot of time to think. Thankfully it was a full flight and service was running smoothly—I loved flights like this because they ran with an almost clockwork precision. The passengers kept me busy enough that I didn't have to speak much to the crew.
"Miss, may I have some sugar for my coffee?"
Startled, I turned toward the voice. Mr. Businessman, complete with a rumpled shirt and tie and an open briefcase, looked up at me expectantly. I smiled vaguely and handed over the small packet, then noticed my coffee pot needed a refill.
A few of the attendants were in the center galley restocking for the next service. I skirted my way around Lauren, who huffed to no one in particular. She grabbed a few bags of ice and stomped away. From the corner of my eye I noticed Tanya standing there with her back to me, one hand on her hip and apparently waiting for someoneto find her some more champagne for Business class.
Obviously, I'd come in mid-conversation—she was talking to Sam. I was surprised by the sound of her voice, light and airy with an almost musical quality. Furtively, I listened to what she was saying as I busied myself with replacing the sugar and sweetener on my tray. Sam must have been digging for information because she had his full attention.
"...his name is Edward Cullen and he happens to be one of our pilots. Our families have known each other for years. He's invited me to Aspen next weekend, where I'm sure... "
What? There had to be some kind of mistake.
"...we're getting engaged!"
Sam looked at me with wide eyes. I couldn't deal with this right now, not when I was thisclose to breaking down. Instead I turned from the galley with my tray and headed for the back, ignoring the pleas from the passengers to pick up their assorted garbage as I raced down the aisle. The back lavatory was thankfully empty so I shut myself inside.
My head was spinning, fragments of earlier clues anchoring themselves to the forefront of my thoughts. He'd mentioned once that his family had expected him to marry the daughter of their longtime friends. He never spoke much about it so I thought it a moot point. Over, done, nothing to worry over...or so I thought. How wrong I was.
I was hurt that he hadn't told me before this. He'd been so good to me, so thoughtful and funny and kind and attentive. From the conversations I'd had with Kate said, he was a very committed and loyal kind of guy, especially toward his family. How tragic that what I'd taken as interest was a character trait and nothing more.
I began to hyperventilate, bile starting to rise up my throat.
Looking down at my hands blankly, I realized I still had my tray. My gut heaved not only from the strong smell of the coffee, but from the realization that it was over for us.
He's moving on...without me. So I was wrong—he was going to tell me about her. That's had to be what the talk he wanted to have was about.
There'd been hints, of course. For the past few months I'd suspected that there was something wrong, even briefly thought about there being someone else before chucking that idea aside. But I knew now, and I had to fucking hear about it from her to boot.
But he was mine.
No. No, he wasn't mine. Not anymore.
He never really was.
In several hours, I was supposed to meet him in Anchorage at the cabin to spend the weekend hanging out and talking, like friends do.
Quite possibly the saddest thing was that we were friends. Aside from Rose, he was the person I felt closest to, the one I could tell about my day or my plans for the future on late night calls. Apparently, it wasn't the same for him.
Shaking my head angrily at my naiveté, I wondered why I'd ignored my intuition. Too wrapped up in my happy little Edward bubble, I had ignored the warning signs in favor of skipping something painful. And really, who was I kidding? Why wouId Edward want me over her? If he had really chosen to be with her...
The nausea hit me again. I was losing more than my best friend. I was losing my heart.
Oh God.
Above all, the worst of it was being trapped on this plane with her for another 2 hours.
A soft knock on the door broke me out of my stupor.
Sam's muffled voice came through the door, "B, are you okay?"
I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the smudged makeup off of my face.
"Are you alone out there?" I sniffed.
"Yes, doll. Come on, open up."
I unlatched the folding door, sliding it open a bit to allow him in.
Sam stepped in, took one look at my face, and said, "Oh Honey...," and wrapped his arms around me.
My tears really began to fall in earnest now, I clung to him and cried, blubbering that I was so sorry for ruining his shirt.
"Pssh, it's nothing. We're almost home." He looked down at me and said, " I'm sorry B, I don't know what to say to you, but I know you'll be okay. Just make it through this flight and you'll figure out what is going on, okay? I'll keep Ginger and MaryAnn away from you."
I had to laugh a little at that. Sam knew me. He understood what I needed to hear.
I sniffed once more, took a deep breath, and straightened my uniform. Sam gave me an encouraging look as we walked out of the restroom together. Mr. Businessman, who was waiting for the restroom, raised his eyebrows at us. Sam winked at him before dancing around him and taking a turn up the aisle.
I manage to avoid Tanya for the rest of the flight. It was a large plane with a big crew, so I really didn't have to see her. It didn't hurt that she was working in Business class, either. Once we landed, I plastered a robotic smile on my face as the passengers filed off of the plane.
A half hour later, I was finally in my truck heading to the apartment to repack. I gripped the steering wheel while trying to make a decision about what I was going to do.
My mother once tried to explain the nature of relationships to me. I had just come home from school, huffing and crying over the treatment I had received from my best friend, Angela. We were inseparable in junior high and did everything together. If I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. Our parents practically took turns raising us. But then Ben happened and all of the sudden I wasn't needed anymore. In fact, I was completely pushed aside.
I remembered plopping myself down on a stool and watching my mom get out the ingredients for bread pudding. She walked by me, running her down the side of my face in a soothing motion.
In her usual offbeat way, she explained that every relationship, like food, had an expiration date. Sometimes friendships were over when they'd served their purpose. Sometimes the reason would be right there in front of you. While sniffing the milk container, she went on to say sometimes there wouldn't even be a clue to why it was gone. All in all, sometimes, whether it be food or relationships, things didn't last as long as you would like them to.
At the time I tried to apply her quirky theory to my situation, but I couldn't find a good reason for Angela dumping me in favor of Ben. Plainly put, I was hurt. I knew that people and relationships changed, but I also thought there were some things you just couldn't apply an expiration date to.
I was going to Alaska. I sighed, shut my suitcase and grabbed a sweater for the flight.
Destination: Anchorage, AK
An hour later I found myself on the flight to Anchorage, a glass of scotch warming my insides and steeling me for what I was about to do. Maybe it was stupid, but I had a plan: one more weekend, no drama, no questions, and I would move on. So long as his talk didn't interrupt my plan, this would be it.
The jeep was waiting for me upon arrival, keys left with a mutual acquaintance at the operations desk. I'd known he wouldn't be there to greet me in favor of getting the cabin open and ready, but it still hurt. Everything about this hurt. A few inches of snow had fallen and I bundled my coat around me more securely, telling myself over and over that I could do this.
Once I made it to the cabin I shut off the engine and stayed in the jeep with my arms wrapped around my middle, watching my breath fog up the windows. I knew I needed to get the facts, but wasn't sure I wanted the truth. Still, it was cold outside, my gloves offering little protection against the chill and I needed to move toward the house soon. I climbed out of the jeep, slipping on the snow and ice underfoot.
My insides began to churn with uncertainty as I pulled my purse off of the passenger seat and trudged towards the house.
The door was unlocked so I pushed my way in slowly, expecting a musty odor that housed that had been shut up for a few months always had. The scents of cinnamon, nutmeg, pine and greeted me instead.
Warmth. Home. Edward.
I left my boots and down jacket near the door, in case I needed them sooner than expected.
"Edward?"
There was no reply, only the sound of a shower running upstairs when I got closer to the kitchen. There was a bottle of wine on the counter, uncorked, with a glass and a note.
If you get here before I'm out, have a glass and relax.
I loved his notes, had from the first one I'd received from him after the night in Hawaii. With a big sigh, I tipped back a glass of wine. On top of the small bit of scotch and the few bites of a bagel I'd choked down at breakfast with Sam, the effect of the alcohol was instantaneous.
Climbing the stairs, I made up my mind and steeled my nerves with what was about to happen. As I walked through the master bedroom, I could see his figure through the partially open door of the shower. God, he's magnificent.
I needed this. If it was all I would have to remember, I would take it.
I disrobed, leaving a trail of clothing behind me. Clad in only a bra and panties, I pushed the bathroom door the rest of the way open. He hadn't seemed to hear me so I stripped off my remaining garments and joined him. Carefully, I stepped into the tub, steam surrounding me and the smell of his soap filling my nose. His back was to me, but I knew he had heard and felt my presence.
"Hey, you."
I slid my arms under his and slowly began to kiss a trail down his back. Letting out a low hum, he tried to turn in my arms.
"No, I just want to feel you for a moment," I whispered against his wet skin.
Pressing my chest into his back and moving my hands down over his stomach, I traced over the muscles of his abdomen and down to the front of his thighs. Scratching lightly with my fingernails, I moved back up and started to slowly stoke him, feeling and memorizing every bit of him that I could.
Somewhere deep in my brain, I waited for him to push me away, to tell me to stop and that he needed to tell me something, but he didn't. I was glad the water trickling over top of us hid my tears as I realized that maybe he wanted this last time together, too.
His body moving in time with my hand, he moaned low in his throat and then spun around, crashing his lips down onto mine. The kiss was desperate, hard and a tiny bit painful, like he was saying goodbye, too. We matched, movement for movement, touch for touch.
And then he was hitching my leg over his hip, strokes deep and purposeful as he took me against the tile wall of the shower. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see the look on his face as he said goodbye in the same way we had started. At this thought a sob escaped, but over the noise of the shower I was able to disguise it as a gasp. I came hard, etching every second of becoming one with my best friend and lover into my memories.
As I came down from my glow, reality reared its ugly head. What the hell was I doing? I started to speak, to tell him to stop, and he placed his index finger over my mouth, gently replacing it with his lips.
I was being selfish, but so had he. I'd fallen in love with him at my own peril, but he hadn't been honest with me. And so I took what he was giving, eschewing words for actions. I didn't need to hear him tell me goodbye so I let his fingers and mouth say it instead. He washed my body from head to foot, movements slow and sensuous, yet heartbreaking. As we moved out of the shower, I gave him a tremulous smile as he toweled me off.
In the bedroom, he sat down next to me, twisting to turn on the iPod on the bedside table. I couldn't help but run my hands up his side, caressing the same tattoo I had ogled when I first met him. I lusted after this man and I wanted to memorize his entire body. Otis Redding began to croon, urging us to 'try a little tenderness'.
"I'm so glad you're here." He turned back to me, smiling that grin that both lifted and broke my heart, and began to kiss me deeply.
His hands moved from the side of my face and down over my arms as he nudged me to lie back onto the bed. My fingers slowly crept up around the nape of his neck, threading into his hair. Moving over the top of me, he dipped his head to the space between my collarbones and placed a gentle kiss there.
'Mine', I imagined him saying.
That thought broke me. I wanted it so, so much and would never have it. "Please, inside me," I whispered.
It was slow this time, sweet and close and almost too much for my broken heart to take. It was my 'I love you' without words. He came not long after I did, cursing softly as he buried his head into my neck.
I thought we were done, but he kept moving slowly, inside me, taking his time. It was one of those moments of connection that was hard to explain as it just was. His lips found mine again as I felt another wave coming to consume me. And he was there to catch me again.
At one point, we wound up on the floor. I didn't care that this would be it, because I selfishly wanted everything.
It was then that he looked into my eyes and I knew, deep down, it was me he wanted. In my heart I knew he was the only one for me. There were obviously things in place that were beyond the both of us. In my mind, in that moment, I swore he loved me.
He reached up to grab the comforter off of the bed to cover us on the floor. As I pulled his head to my shoulder, he murmured, "I barely even got to say 'Hello'..."
"Hello."
I smiled into his temple, breathing in the scent from his hair as he nuzzled my breasts. He sighed once, tightening his arms around me, and then fell asleep.
But I need to say goodbye.
I didn't sleep. I ran my fingers through his hair, cataloguing his sounds and the feel of his body next to mine. I kissed his hair, his closed eyes, and memorized the taste of his skin. Tears rolled slowly out of the corners of my eyes as I held him in my arms. When it was close to dawn, I got up off of the floor without waking him, grabbed my clothes and quietly made my way downstairs. If there were no delays, and I didn't think there would be, I could make the first flight out on standby.
Tears slipped unchecked down my face as I pulled away from the cabin. I was leaving him to a future with another woman, now that I was no longer needed. Part of me still hoped that, someday, it would be my arms he craved.
-o—(_)—o-
Leave a review and you shall be teased
Fragile on the iPod:
Try A Little Tenderness – Otis Redding
Gravity – Sara Bareilles
Worth a replay:
One and Only – Adele
A Soft Place to Fall – Allison Moorer