CHAPTER NINE

Loving the Doctor

"How much do you know about what's going on in there?"

The Doctor wasn't startled by River's voice. If not her, it would've been Jack, or maybe even Rose, if she was conscious yet. If she wasn't, she would be soon. He'd regained consciousness the moment his former incarnation had stilled, slipping back into that healing coma that was keeping him alive, if barely.

"More than I should and less than I'd like," the Doctor answered cryptically.

"Does he have a plan?" River asked, finally walking further into the room.

"Of course he has a plan."

"One that will work?"

He sighed, tired and exasperated. "River..."

"I'm sorry." She sat down beside him.

"I don't know what he's thinking, River. It doesn't work like that."

"I know. But even Amy should be able to tell you if he has a direction."

"Amy is confused," he said flatly. "There wasn't enough time for me to explain things to her properly."

"I would've thought he would make it something of a priority to tell her what he expected her to do."

The Doctor didn't answer, only sighed.

"Where is Amy?"

His eyes faded out of focus as he stared at the wall in front of him, unseeing. "She's close."

"Close to what?"

Shutting his eyes again, he shook his head quickly, as if to clear it, then stood and headed for the door. "Doesn't matter."

But River had caught the scent of a secret, and her brow furrowed as she stood and followed him. "Yes, it does matter, Doctor. If there's no plan, or there's no chance of it succeeding, we need to come up with something else."

"I never said there was no plan."

"Just that you don't know what it is?"

"I don't know if it will work. There's a difference."

"So what's the plan?"

He didn't answer. Out into the hallway and in the opposite direction from the control room. She blinked, surprised. "Where are you going?"

"Away," he answered abruptly.

"What do you mean, away?" she demanded.

With a quickened pace, she caught up with him after only a few steps. But he didn't answer, and he didn't slow. He didn't even acknowledge her until she stepped right in front of him and stopped, glaring daggers at him.

"If you think that I am going to allow you to crawl off into some corner of this Tardis and die, you are very wrong."

Reluctantly, he looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

"If you can't tell me about his plan - if you won't tell me - then fine. But you will tell me this: Do you know for an absolute certainty that it will work?"

His eyes narrowed at her. "Absolute certainty? What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course I don't know for an absolute certainty! There is no absolute certainty!"

"Is it going to work, Doctor?" she demanded, not flinching.

He stared back at her for a long moment. Then, finally, he nodded. "Yes. Yes, of course it is."

She remained still, quietly watching him. He didn't look away. Finally, she stepped aside and let him pass, deeper into the Tardis to whatever place of sanctuary he found in there. She watched him go, and took a deep breath, letting it out slow.

"All these years with that man," she whispered to herself. "Sometimes I wish I didn't know when I was being lied to."

*X*X*X*

Rose awoke with a start, blinking a few times before she remembered where she was. Lying on the floor of the control room, the grate was hard and cold under her, its jagged surface burying its indentation in her arm. Her eyes turned to the Doctor, lying still and unconscious beside her, before she rubbed her eyes and looked around the rest of the room. She was alone, the room dimly lit.

With a deep sigh and a wince at the uncomfortable position - every position was uncomfortable on this floor - she lay down again, head on her arm, and carefully stroked the side of the Doctor's face. His skin was cool - too cool - and clammy. But at least he wasn't burning up anymore.

Closing her eyes again, she nuzzled closer to him. His arm was dead weight as she lifted it, snuggling in close and holding it around herself as she moved her head to his shoulder. She had slept too long, and she wasn't tired anymore. She was anxious and worried and ready to run. She wanted to do something. But she didn't want to leave him. She didn't want to sit up, or move away from him. Right now, if she couldn't run for him, all she really wanted was to listen to his heartbeat. Hearts. Two of them. She smiled softly. Would she ever get used to that?

Unable to get comfortable with his arm around her, she sat up slightly and studied him for a moment. "Doctor?" she whispered. "Can you hear me?"

He couldn't. For the first time in a very long time, he couldn't hear her. The thought made her eyes well up with tears, and she blinked them back. She already had a headache from all the tears she'd cried, and she didn't want to make it worse. Instead, she leaned down and kissed his forehead gently.

"Please don't leave me," she whispered. "Not like this..."

She let her lips rest on his cool skin for a moment, then pushed herself up the rest of the way. Unbuttoning and parting his jacket, she lowered again and rested her head on his chest. There, she listened. Several long, silent seconds later, she heard it. Just once, just enough to keep him alive in his state of near-suspended animation. Blinking back the tears, she smiled to herself as she relaxed slowly against him. Giving up her fight against the tears, she slipped her hand into his, stroking the back of it with her thumb as she let them fall on his shirt.

Warmth. She could feel it wash over her, like a mother's embrace. It wasn't the Doctor; he was silent and cold. She didn't have to wonder where the comfort was coming from. She knew its touch now, like it was a part of herself. Still lying with her head on the Doctor's chest, she opened her eyes and stared, unseeing, at the softly humming console.

You could help me. If you wanted to.

It wasn't a question. She could feel the energy exchange between the Doctor and his Tardis. They were symbiotic - controller and ship. Everything that he felt, in some strange way that was foreign to human beings, she felt too. The Tardis knew he was dying. It knew she wanted to help, that she would do anything. It was infinitely powerful, and there was no doubt in her mind that it could reinsert her into the Doctor's mind. But somehow, this time, there was also no doubt that it wouldn't.

It's his mind, Rose. If he says you can't go back in...

She closed her eyes. She knew the words were her own, not really the Tardis. The Tardis didn't use words and language to communicate. But the sentiment behind it was real. She could feel it burning inside of her, fueling the argument with herself.

You helped me rescue him once.

This isn't a rescue. It's an intrusion.

But I have to help him!

Frustrated, Rose wiped away her tears roughly, and hugged the Doctor's waist tightly. Did the Tardis know all of those memories he had? Did it - she - feel them, too? The level of respect Rose felt in this moment for the man lying beneath her was not purely her own. It was the Tardis, too. Respecting his right to privacy, and to die if that's what he chose.

But he didn't choose that. He didn't choose to die, he just wanted me to be safe.

And you are safe. You're safe out here.

But I don't want to be safe if it means he's going to die!

Even if you somehow manage to force your way in, he sent you out once. He can do it again. And there's no reason to believe that he wouldn't.

Angry tears burned her eyes as she realized how true those words were. She was helpless right now, stripped of any ability to intervene on his behalf. All she could do was to lie beside him and wait for him to either die or get better.

Even through her anger and frustration, she knew, deep inside, that if she could make one bit of difference by somehow forcing her way into his head, the Tardis would help her. But she didn't even have to try to know that she wouldn't get that help. Not from the Tardis, and not from the Doctor. All she could do was wait, and try not to mourn before it was time. She had to cling on to hope. She just couldn't lose him now...

It wasn't supposed to end like this. It couldn't end like this, could it? Not with a future version of him here, watching the events unfold. If he died, that would create a paradox. He would never let that happen. Of course, he didn't appear to be letting any of this happen. It was happening all around him, while he lay there unconscious.

"I'm scared," she whispered softly. "Doctor, I'm scared."

There was no response. No gentle squeeze of her hand, no deeper breath, no heartbeat that came right on cue. He lay still and silent as she squeezed her eyes shut hard and continued. But for the first time since he'd regenerated, she felt like he really, truly couldn't hear her. Like he was already dead...

"I don't want to be without you. I'm so..." She swallowed, choking on the sob that nearly cut her off. "I'm so angry at you. Angry that you sent me away, that you made me sit here and watch you die when you know... You know I would rather die with you than live without you. You know that. I need you."

The quiet sobs were coming now, and she didn't stop them. Gripping his hand tighter, she let them come. "You try so hard to protect me. And I love you for that and I hate you for it! How can you leave me like this? I don't care if it's safe. I don't care if I don't come out alive. I would so much rather die with you than live alone."

She closed her eyes and wept quietly, clenching her fists in his jacket as the emotions overpowered her. She couldn't think. She could hardly breathe. And she wasn't aware of the intruder in the room until she felt the hand on her shoulder. Startled, her teary eyes flew open, but the hand on her shoulder pushed down, keeping her from sitting up.

"It's alright," River's voice said calmly.

She didn't struggle. She really didn't want the woman to see her right now anyways.

"Close your eyes, Rose."

"Why?" Rose demanded.

"Because if there's one thing I understand, it's just how difficult it is to love that man."

Rose swallowed hard, but she didn't dare answer.

"Focus on the dark," River instructed softly, "and breathe deep."

Rose drew in a deep breath, and felt herself sink into soft warmth. The low hum of the Tardis was the last thing she was aware of before her thoughts faded into nothingness.