Disclaimer: Don't own.
Beck walks inside. I don't remember the last time he told me he loved me. Truly. I won't let my guard down though. It doesn't matter who's wrong. I can't be so vulnerable. I have to stay alert. I know how much emotion he gives me, but he just doesn't give the same back too well. I guess that's the thing, we both had a hard time expressing emotion to each other. We're both too stubborn to express it. We're also too stubborn to let anything out that we keep inside. I know there's a lot I hide. That's because I can't get hurt. I slam the door shut, holding back my impulses from wanting to slam him in the face. We stay standing. He doesn't come closer.
We're both silent for a while, staring at each other, me trying so desperately not to break down. I won't, no matter how hard it is to be around him. He doesn't have to be here. I don't know why he's here. He chose to be here, so there must be something pretty important, right? Doesn't he have better things to do than be with me? Now I just want him to leave, but at the same time I don't. God. Why did I have to fall for him? He knows how to break me. I'm so closed in, but he knows how to open me up. He already damaged what we had. He's just making things worse for the both of us. And it hurts so badly. I don't want to be the first one to speak. What would I say?
"So, uh..." He breaks the silence, looking into my eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? For everything."
I look down, thinking a little bit. Is that all he came here for, to apologize to me? It's just making everything even harder to process. I know breakups happen. I just can't seem to get over it. But I should be. I wish it were that damn easy. Maybe we can finally fix things this time, but it seems like the damage is too much. I can't seem to get over all those years we had together. How are you supposed to get over it? It seems impossible. I mean, he was the guy I got really close to. Nobody else. I thought I only needed him. Now that we're over, what do I do? Does he expect me to be forgiving? If that's the case, that's not going to happen. That's not the kind of person I am. I know I act different around Beck, but I'm not a very forgiving person. He knows that. I don't forgive easily just like I don't trust easily. There are valid reasons for that.
I take a deep breath, showing no real malice in my voice. "So why did you come here? What is it that you want, Beck? Do you want me to beg for you to come back to me?"
He threads a hand through his dark hair, sighing deeply. "I want you to trust me."
He already broke my trust.
"Trust you about what?" I cock my brows up, clearly irritated. I find myself getting lost in his eyes but keep myself together. "I saw you guys at the park, Beck! I was there. You probably saw me, didn't you? But it doesn't even matter. You shouldn't be here. You should be with Vega. We're not a couple anymore. What is it you want to talk about?"
Do I want him to feel bad? Maybe. He deserves it. I don't deserve this.
"That's the thing." He says softly, keeping his voice low. "Jade, you were right. I want to talk about us. Tori and I aren't right for each other."
God, Beck. He just now figured that out? Why does he have to make things so difficult? I hate that he's doing this. Can he tell that I'm hurt? Maybe. Maybe that's why he came back. It's breaking me even more, knowing that I could go back to him if Tori didn't get in the middle of everything. I'd do anything to let him kiss me, for things to go back to the way they were and know that everything's going to be okay, but I can't. Not yet. Won't it make things more of a mess? I haven't even spoken to Tori since.
"So what do you want to do about it? We fight. We break up. We make up. It's never consistent. I'm so sick of it. You can't just experiment with her and expect everything to go back to the way it was again! We can't keep on doing this. That's not how it works."
I lash out. But I do want him back, just not like this. I can't have him back when things are so complicated. It's his fault. What wasn't working? He didn't have to go and make things complicated, but he did. We could've kept things going the way they were, but he wanted to experiment with Tori instead. Why? He shouldn't have started this to begin with. He keeps throwing me away like I'm some toy. I don't understand. I had everything. I guess not enough. They're still basically a couple, aren't they? It wouldn't be right. He can't kiss me when he's still with Tori. He doesn't know what to say, so he puts his arms around my waist but I push him away.
He looks down, almost like he's in deep thought and then looks back up at me, rubbing at his temples. "I thought you wanted to get back together. Isn't that what you want? We can try not to fight. Third time's the charm, right?"
But we always do fight. Our relationship is never stable. As much as I hate to admit, it's dysfunctional. Besides, is he thinking about breaking up with Tori? What's his plan? He probably doesn't have one.
"Don't touch me." I say, my voice sharp.
But Beck isn't controlling. He doesn't push things further. He doesn't leave though. He just looks at me and nods. He doesn't do anything else because he gets it. No matter how much I want to get back with him, he's with Tori. I don't get it if he wants me back or not. Why is he doing this to me?