My apologies, this chapter is going to be several pages shorter than the others. Plus it is not that good. Actually I pretty much hate it. But I need it. See it as a.. filler or whatever.
Once again, I HAVE edited and betad this, so if it is still weird, that's not my fault. This website is having major problems. It is just bluntly screwing up my spaces, my questionmarks, quotationmarks, my placings of sentences.. Oh. Uh. And THANK YOU for reviews. Makes my day! If you want to, I can post the next chapter, as a compensation for the shortness of this?
And oh, I'm going away tomorrow. So there won't be any action from me for a while. But I'll be back. Toooodles!
Chapter Ten
Say My Name
Kai sat silent in the kitchen, his fingers crossing over the coffee cup with a distant look in his eyes. He often looked like that when he was thinking; when he had something on his mind that he could neither ignore nor figure out. It agitated him, irritated as well. He hated when things were left unsolved. And he hated even more that even though it wasn't his business he couldn't stay out of it. He just had to know because this time, well, it was about two friends. And Kai didn't have that many friends.
Something was going on between those two and he knew it. He could just feel it. The problem was to figure out what that thing could be and if it would leave someone broken. As cruel as people might think Kai was, he did care about things that really mattered. He had always been there for Rei, no questions asked and no demands spoken. When he was in the hospital, when he lost Driger, when the White Tigers kept calling him a traitor and Rei was so lost it was inhuman.
Kai had been there and this was no different. Kai had encouraged Rei to go to London, had encouraged him to seek help. Adviced him and listened. He had listened even though Rei didn't say anything. But he listened, just in case there was something, in case there would be a little sign of what was wrong. He had to help; he was a leader from bone to skin. And if a leader could do nothing for his team then what good was he?
Kai sighed. The sun was shining outside which he guessed was always a good sign. The streets were crowded with people as it always was in times like this one. The cars were passing by, not really giving a damn. As if they knew something was wrong with the place, and they knew that if they didn't get away they would be caught. Trapped forever in the…
He had to stop himself right there. There was no point in getting all covered in angst himself. Kai had it good and going for him. Sure, his past was about as close to hell as anyone could get, but that didn't matter now. He was free and he had to focus on that. His future was bright, he could do anything. And those things were not to be thrown away for the sake of being sad.
He knew Rei knew that too. And therefore he wondered even more what was so wrong. What could possibly destroy a person like that? A person like Rei. Maybe Boris could help that mystery. Yes, it was farfetched; he wasn't so stupid as to think otherwise. Boris, helping? Not in a million years. But not help in the way most people thought about help. Because Boris could never offer a hand to anyone, but what he could offer though, was a fist. Maybe he'd help just by existing, without knowing, without any intentions to make anything better.
Right now, that was as good as it could get.
The coffee had gone cold and Kai sighed. He stood up and put the cup in the sink, wondering how long it would take until Rei got home. One reason that Kai had gone to the apartment was to guard it because the lock had been so intelligently disposed from it. The other reason though was that he was hoping to be able to speak to Rei. If Kai's senses were right, which they always were, he might be able to drag something out of him.
The time was near noon when the door opened, creaking and squealing in its hinges. Rei felt pretty good to be home, away from the chlorine smell and stress. He had been reluctant to leave though; he missed the warmth of the Falcon as the coldness of the hallway struck him. But the man would soon be released from the hospital and then they could use each other as blankets all they wanted.
At least Rei hoped Boris wanted that. They hadn't spoken at all, and as their lips had parted Rei had just fallen asleep right on top of the man. He hadn't had the time to wonder or to ask. Had it all just been physical? Just because someone doesn't shove you away it doesn't necessarily mean that they want you. He knew that, but he tried not to think about it. He would have to deal with it when the Falcon came home. No matter how much it scared him, he would have to confront Boris.
''Rei?''
Kai's head emerged in the doorway to the living room, through which one had to walk in order to get to the kitchen. The blue hair was tousled and the face pale, as if Kai hadn't gotten much sleep as of late. A smile graced Rei's lips at the sight of him. They hadn't really had much time to talk to one another, so this opportunity seemed golden.
''Hi, Kai! What are you doing here?''
''Guarding your apartment.''
Rei cast a glance towards the door and then nodded understandingly.
''Right, the lock. Probably should get that fixed…''
He threw his coat onto the coat hanger, and without tripping at all he got off his shoes. That was always what the fans liked about Rei; how he was so gracious and never seemed to fall. Oh, if they only knew how hard he had fallen, Rei thought with a sigh.
Clearly Kai noticed the change of mood in the man and crossed his arms at him. Rei gave him a curious look.
''What's wrong?''
''Kitchen.''
''Oh…''
Nervousness jumped at Rei. He knew this wasn't going to be good. Every time Kai wanted to talk about something serious, he always did that. Spoke shortly, crossed his arms and told the person to go to a secluded space. It was as scary every time, because one never really knew what Kai would do. Or worse; what he would think.
But Rei had faith in his friend so he obeyed with nothing more than a nod of his head. Heading through the still messy living room, barely suppressing the urge to clean every inch of it, he sat down by the kitchen table. Catching a glimpse of the coffee maker, he pointed towards it.
''Is it still warm?''
Kai nodded briefly. Quickly Rei got up, nervousness oozing out of his every move. He poured up a cup for himself, just to keep his mind distracted. He knew Kai could sense his emotions if he kept flaunting them like that. But it was hard not to be nervous around Kai. Not when he was wearing that look upon his face. The Chinese took a breath to compose himself and sat down by the table. Kai stood leaning against the wall, the same unreadable expression on his face.
Silence lay between them for a while and it was hard for Rei to keep himself from fidgeting.
''How was he?''
The question made Rei's nerves ease. He was just worried about Boris, that was all. He had no need to worry!
''Just… fine'' He grinned.
The grin had only been visible for a mere second but Kai had caught it no less. Now the crimson eyes even discovered something quite interesting. Rei's pale neck wasn't as pale as it had been the day before. In fact, an aggressive red mark peaked out underneath the sweater. Kai raised one eyebrow and bored his stare into Rei.
''Just fine?''
''Well… Yeeaah. Fine, you know, they'll let him out soon.''
I bet that was not the only thing to be let out, Kai thought. Now he was even more determined as to find out what was going on. He knew Rei was competitive and determined to fight for himself. Breaking through his shields and getting him to spill was not easy, but a lot of time had passed. Now Rei was just a former shadow of who he used to be. He was more unstable now, easier to get through.
Kai decided to just be straight forward and spare Rei unnecessary discomfort.
''How do you feel about him?''
Rei barely kept himself from flinching. Kai couldn't know what had happened, could he? Rei had covered the love bites and marks and gotten his blush down. He had combed his hair and straightened out his clothes. But then again, Kai didn't need those signs to figure anything out. He just had to look at you and he'd know. Crap, Rei thought with alarm, he knows!
''I…''
''Don't lie.''
The Tiger growled slightly. But then he felt silly. He could trust Kai, he knew that. So why was it feeling so uncomfortable? Maybe it wasn't that he didn't trust Kai, but that he didn't trust himself.
''I… I don't know.''
A dark look pierced through him.
''No!'' Rei raised his hands in front of him. ''Honestly! I dont know!''
''Hn.''
Kai closed his eyes for a moment, before looking at Rei again. He wasn't mad at the Chinese. He couldn't really be because there was nothing to be mad about. Maybe he was concerned, yes, because Boris was a dangerous person to get close to. But more than that, he was a little relieved. If the two of them had found someone that could make them a little less lonely, then why not?
Because I don't want him to get hurt, Kai growled in is mind.
''Be careful Rei.''
''I am! I am careful. I mean, I know it's bad. This is wrong, I know, it's… He's not a nice person. He's a horrible person in fact…'' Rei started rambling, not really caring that he was badmouthing Kai's friend.
But it didn't matter what he said, because he had to get it out. And Kai was willing to listen, he always was.
''He's killed a man for God's sake! He's got drinking problems, and that... I hate that. He'd hurt anyone without regret and maybe he'd even hurt me. I… I know that, and this… Not only is he you know, a guy but… He's Boris!''
Kai watched in silence, letting Rei vent. He listened to the words, keeping the same old mask on his face. And as much as it worried Rei it made him feel easier about it all. Kai wouldn't interrupt, he wouldn't yell, he wouldn't do anything but listen. And right that moment it was what he needed the most.
''And you know, I don't even know what he wants. I mean, can he even like me? Can he do anything but hate me? He's supposed to be my rival but if so… why did he let me live here? Why did he listen to me when I had to talk? Why… why did he let me cling to him when I broke? Why… in a way I feel like he's protecting me. But maybe I'm just stupid, maybe I'm naïve. But… what if he really doesn't care? He could be using me for all I know! Maybe this is just a sick little sadistic experiment of his and I don't know… Maybe he just wants me for his sick little pleasures. But you know, I don't really care. I don't give a shit if I'm sounding like a lovesick school girl right now because…''
Rei was panting, his face strained. Everything he had bottled up for so long, everything that he had ignored, was finally showing. As large waves of emotion fought its way out of him, he shook. He was feeling so pathetic that moment that he just wanted someone to hold him. Tell him he was safe and alright and no one was judging him at all. He just wanted to be home. He wanted to have a home. A place where he could be calm.
''Rei…'' Kai sighed and stepped up to the table where he could look down at Rei easier, like a parental figure lecturing his kid. ''I think you have to talk to him about this. As much as I find it hard to believe, maybe for once Boris isn't thinking only about himself.''
Rei blinked at him, fighting hard to keep himself together.
''What do you mean?''
''Maybe you've taught him to feel.''
Rei sat silent at first, afraid to take it all in. As he let his thoughts consume the words Kai had just spoken, he bit his lip and sighed.
''I don't know if I actually dare talk to him.''
The golden locked with crimson, burned its way into it. As if Rei was asking him to do something, his eyes mouthing the words the Chinese did not speak himself. Finally Kai muttered.
''I'll see what I can do. But the rest, you're on your own.''
Rei smiled weakly.
''Thanks, Kai.''
X
Rei lay lazily in the couch, just listening. The TV was on, some stupid re-run of Dr Phil airing, but he wasn't paying attention. He wasn't listening to the advices of the large, bear like man, nor did he register the crying woman beside the psychologist. He was listening more to the silence around him, the emptiness and solitude. Boris was still at the hospital, Kai was at the hotel with the rest of the Russians and other than that, Rei didn't know anyone.
It was late night and he hadn't left the place for days. Since he did not want to face Amanda he had just decided to stop showing up at the Institute. After all, what good was it? The only thing that came out of it really, was Boris. A small smile tugged at Rei's lip, as well as worry in his eyes.
He wondered what would happen, if things would be the same between them when he came back, or if it would be completely different. Frankly he didn't know which was worst. He wanted Boris to react towards him, show that he cared. He wanted to get a sign, something, anything. It didn't have to be words, as long as it stated clearly. If he had to leave or if he got to stay, whatever as long as the situation between them wasn't unclear.
But things were never unclear with the Falcon. He said what was on his mind when he wanted to, and when he got back he would do no different towards Rei. Whether there would be hatred, affection or the same mutual acceptance that they had shared during the past months, it was going to show. Rei was going to know and the waiting and anticipation was unsettling him.
Restlessly he groaned. There really was nothing much to do alone in an apartment, when one thought about it.
Rei shifted to his side, casting a small and bored glance at the TV. For a brief moment he wished Dr. Phil would sit in his couch, give him good advice and tell him what to do. If the man could help so many others, then why not Rei as well? Rei knew he would have to go to a therapist sooner or later. It was inevitable. He had to sort out his thoughts, his feeling, his problems, so that one day he could feel that he was free.
He wanted to put his past behind him and embrace the future. Only when he was brave enough, if he was brave enough, he could make something out of it. He could be his old self again. Or, not completely, no one ever could after going through trouble like that. But at least he could be more than what he was now. Stronger, braver, more secure. And if he was lucky, Boris would be a part of it all as well.
But it was pointless to think about it anyway. Getting ideas before the man was even around was silly. It would only leave him disappointed in the end. Thoughts started twisting more fiercely inside his head then. What if Boris rejected him? What if all he ever wanted from Rei was bodily pleasures and that was it? Rei would have to leave, go out in the big dark world and be alone again. He didn't want to be alone. He hated it.
Maybe he could live with Kai then. But would that really help? Wouldn't he be reminded about the grey haired man over and over again? What if Boris moved back to Russia? And what really made Rei curious was; why hadn't he already? He was sure Boris wouldn't go to the meetings after this anyway.
The mothering side in Rei awoke anew. If Boris wasn't going to seek any more counseling, then at least he should go to an AA meeting of sorts. That drinking would start affecting his body negatively sooner or later, that was not deniable. Rei sighed and shut the TV off. He wanted to go for a walk, sort his mind out. But he was stuck in the apartment thanks to Ian's oh so clever lock-picking. He would have to call for a new one before he could go anywhere.
Suddenly the door made a funny sound, as if someone was fiddling with it. It seemed like that someone didn't have much luck though, because the door didn't open. The person would have to be drunk or very much out of it, so Rei narrowed down his guesses as to who it could be. It had to be Boris, drunk from alcohol or from the meds the hospital shoved into him. Ignoring the leap his heart took, he got out of the couch and stumbled to the door in expectation.
He swung it open before he had time to restrain himself, not wanting to knock the Russian dead with welcoming. But it wasn't the Russian who stood there. It was none of them, actually, but still it wasn't a stranger. All of Rei's heart and mind screamed, roaring so loud he was afraid it would be heard. But no sounds erupted from him, not even the fear and the hate and the anger in his eyes.
In front of him golden, drowsy eyes glinted like shards of glass hidden in sand. An old smile gleamed at him, attached to a wrinkled, tattered and tired face. The man shared many familiar features with Rei, but still they differed. Alcohol was oozing its way out of the older visitor's breath, his hair lying tousled and unkempt over his back. Rei glared at his father, not allowing any of the fear to show.
''Hello Rei'' his father spoke in Chinese, his voice as raspy and musty as it had been on the phone.
He was so close, too close even. Only and arm's length between them and Rei was getting nervous. As much as he wanted to stand up for himself, had decided to do as well, he flinched. And that flinch was all his father needed. One sigh of weakness, and that was it.
The older Kon shoved his way into the apartment, throwing Rei to the floor. Jun Kon was beaming, looming and dark above him where he lay on the floor. All determination Rei had had the moment before to protect himself, the apartment, his pride, was as blown away and suddenly he felt like a ten year old boy again. He didn't want to shake, grit his teeth and breathe uncontrollably uneven. He didn't want to be afraid, he really didn't.
But it was so hard. Everything came flooding back to him. The pain, the hatred, the memories and shame and helplessness. In an instant he felt so alone. Like no one was out there, no one could protect him. No one would come for him or save him and take him away from there. He had thought he was safe in there, with his father miles and miles away. But he wasn't. Jun was everywhere now, it was so clear. How could he have been so stupid as to think he would get away?
''My my, you're even more pathetic. Aren't you even going to fight for yourself?'' Jun spat with so much venom it felt like the words corroded through Rei's skin.
He felt his father's stare rip at him, tear his skin apart. He was right. He was pathetic. He should stand up for himself, yell at the man to get the hell out. Out of the room, the building, the country, his life. He wanted to hit him and kick him and show him just how much he hated and detested him. Rei really wanted to defend himself this time. But he couldn't move. Last time, he had run away, but now he couldn't even do that. He could hardly even breathe.
A kick hit his ribcage and he thought he could hear something crack. Spitting and coughing Rei tried to capture the breath that escaped him. His vision blurred but he didn't dare close his eyes. Jun scoffed, kicked again and this time it hurt even more. Rei tried to shield himself, numb himself. He didn't want to be there, didn't want to be anywhere at all. He just wanted to disappear. But he couldn't, he knew so damn well that he just couldn't.
He was trapped like a tiger in a cage and left trembling like a little kitten.
He deserved to die. All logic told him that no, he had the right to live like anyone else. It wasn't his fault that his father was deranged, it wasn't his fault at all. What could he have done? His mother got a disease, she died, and the only barrier that had held his father back was gone. Rei had done all he could have. For crying out loud, he had only been a child! A child is never supposed to be subjected to that sort of life. No one is. All logic told him that, but Rei just couldn't believe anything but the opposite.
It was his fault. All and every part of it, he had no one else to blame but himself.
Rei coughed again, and his father gave him a scrutinizing look. Bending down, his stinking breath danced across Rei's face. Jun just sat there, hunched, staring and glaring and when Rei met his eyes he couldn't hold it back anymore. The anger made him act on nothing but instinct. He got up in one move and before Jun even had the time to think, a fist connected with his jaw and almost sent him flying.
The father crashed into a wall, screaming loudly. The neighbors probably heard everything, but Rei didn't care. Sounds like that often came from their apartment, Boris being Boris, so they probably thought it was just another night. But it wasn't, Rei was on his own this time. He knew that, and it sent his brain into a wild loop of uncontrolled rage. So he leaped at his father again, hitting him over and over again.
The golden pools were flaming, burning and the heat radiated from them like beams. Jun was so shocked, thrown back by this sudden action. His son had never fought back, not like this. And it made him angry, even though he should have been proud. But Jun could never be proud of his son. In his eyes the child would always be responsible for the mother's death, even though it was so illogic it was stupid.
Jun had enough and he grabbed a hold of Rei's throat, almost crushing the windpipe. Rei coughed, kicking wildly with his legs as he was lifted off his feet. The anger kept pounding inside his head, but his powers abandoned him. The fear once again ran through him like a cold shower and he shivered. Panic exploded in him when he realized that he couldn't move again. He couldn't move and his father looked like he was going to bring the end of the world upon him.
Rei yelped as a hit threw him recklessly to the floor once more, and as darkness and pain engulfed him he let out a silent cry.
X
The night was dark and cold, colder than he first would have thought. Above him the sky was so black it felt like he was going to get sucked into it if he stared too long. The stars twinkled brightly but sorrowful, as if they knew. As if they knew everything and he felt even more alone as he walked down the sidewalk with slow and remorseful steps.
His whole body ached at him. The pain was like furious claws ripping at his flesh, screaming in his ear. He knew he had bruises in his face, knew there was probably blood too as he could taste it on his tongue. But he couldn't care less. There were hardly any people outside anyway and it would be too dark to see. His hair had escaped most of its braid too so it hung over his face like a shielding curtain. No one would notice anything.
Rei just wished he had somewhere else to go. His father had finally left him alone, rummaged through the fridge and passed out on the couch. Boris' couch. Rei had felt so angry, so hateful, but he could barely move. Every wall and every piece of furniture seemed to laugh at him, mock him. He couldn't stand it and he had to get out, even if leaving his father alone in the apartment was about the stupidest thing he could have done.
What if someone broke in? What if the father stole something and left? But Rei didn't really care. It hurt just to breathe the air in there and if he didn't leave he would have dissolved. So he just ran for it. He didn't know how many blocks he actually ran until he stopped and began walking instead. It didn't matter anyway, he still couldn't run far enough. He never could.
The darkness was still inside of him, behind him, beside him, around him, watching his every move like a predator. He didn't even choke down the sobs that erupted, he didn't care anymore. As long as he could still feel because the only thing Rei feared more than himself that moment was going numb.
Nothing good ever came out of that. But still, it would be so easy to just shut down. But he tried hard not to, but alone it seemed so difficult. He had nowhere to go when he thought about it, so the only option left was the outside. Even if he was twice as vulnerable there, twice as lonely and twice as cold. He just couldn't face Kai, couldn't let Yuriy see him so weak. It was even worse with Boris because he still didn't know where he stood with the man.
So he kept walking, kept crying and kept fighting. He just hoped he would have enough strength to win.
X
Boris had always hated hospitals. He didn't need anyone to fuss over him like the nurses did. That was, until he scared them away of course. But still, it was so unbelievingly boring. No one visited him either, and if they had he would just have pretended to be asleep or yell at them. It was so much bother to be hurt, really.
And besides, they were just flesh wounds anyway. He had endured worse, so what was the point of staying there? None in his eyes, so he had just taken his things, changed into his own clothes and headed home without as much as a word to the receptionist. Walking fast he had every intention to get home, grab a bottle and go to sleep.
He knew Rei would be home too. He had to, or else Boris would give him a reason to go to the hospital. His stupid door was decapitated and needed every bit of guarding it could get. Yes, his apartment was a dump, but still, it was his dump and he dared anyone to do something to it. He protected his things with claws and fangs, no matter how shitty they were.
Boris growled. Rei. There was that silly man again, ruining everything. Their make out session had been hot, he admitted that. And he had actually liked it, and he had been angry when the man had left. But so many confusing things rose in his chest and he didn't quite like that. He had never felt anything other than hatred and anger towards anyone before, barely even trust. The Blitzkriegs were another thing, they were allies. Those he only felt half of his detest towards.
But Rei was so different. He was so pure and so bright and so good that it just angered him. He didn't hate Rei, he didn't detest Rei and what really scared him was that he didn't want to hurt Rei. He always liked hurting people, so why not now? What was it with Rei? It surely couldn't be affection, could it? He wasn't even sure what that was. He had never felt all of the things that he was feeling, had never even experienced the tender touches the Chinese had given him.
Yes, he had had one night stands, but that was it. He hadn't even particularly liked those. But he had liked Rei, he even wanted to feel those things again. But how could he do that when he didn't even know what those things were? What would he do when he saw Rei anyway? Would he jump him, snog him, hit him or just ignore him? Boris didn't know and he hated that. He wanted to know, demanded to.
But those problems quickly got thrown away when he reached his apartment. Rei was nowhere to be seen and what really confused Boris was that there was blood on the floor. He hadn't hurt anyone in the apartment lately, had he? No, and the blood he had spilled there himself had been washed away. Because the blood on his floor was new, it was fresh and it was of smaller amounts. It couldn't be his.
A flare of an emotion he didn't really recognize jumped at him. What if it was Rei's?
He ran quickly into the other rooms, trying to find his roommate. When he got to the living room he found someone sleeping on the couch. First it pleased him, but then he noticed that he didn't recognize the person. It was a Chinese man, unfit and wrinkly and torn. He looked like complete trash, spread out on the couch as if not even a nuclear explosion could wake him. The man looked familiar though. His pointy nose and curly lips and long, black hair.
Boris had dragged the man up in his oily hair, yelling him awake. The Chinese hadn't answered him, only looked at him as if it was some sort of dream. They had gotten into a fight with each other, Boris had won with margin. He had kicked him when he demanded answers about Rei, and the man had answered in coughs. Rei was out of there, Rei was hurt, Rei was alone.
Boris mind exploded and he didn't give a damn anymore. He didn't care shit if his apartment was unguarded, didn't care shit if the man would have died or not as he threw him down the stairs. He didn't give a shit about anything but finding Rei. So cursing loudly Boris had run out of there, his steps wild and broad, out into the night, screaming Rei's name.