As you grow older the relationships you have with others deepen.
For me, it was just the opposite of that. As I aged, I grew to love people less and less.
The people around me might probe me for answers, but who are they to ask that from me? I won't tell them, I'll never let anyone become close to me, not after my mother died. A piece of me became lost back then. I lost it. There are a lot of things that my 'close friends' don't know about me. And if I told them, I'm sure they'd be quite shocked or even a bit disappointed.
I understand people, I care for them, I go out of my way for others and am capable of genuine acts of selflessness, but I do not love them.
I just can't, and frankly…I know I never will.
Here are a few things that they don't know about me…I learned all of the following bits of information from eavesdropping on my grandparent's conversations when they had company over, something I collected over the years. And then when I went to China, I collected everything that I had wanted to know by visiting my father who had deserted me since birth.
I learned that my mother, whom I loved very much, wanted to abort me when she became aware of her pregnancy. It was my father( whom I had such a strong disliking for when I was younger) who was the only one who wanted my birth. From the first few ultra-sounds the doctors knew that I would be born with defects and so my mother's family were firmly against my existence. Why bring a child to this earth only to suffer?
The moment I hopped into the city's bus to see my father in China , I filled myself with such daring. I was going to tell my father how much I despised him, how disappointed and hurtful I was about everything, (that if he would have stayed with me, maybe all those horrible things wouldn't have ever happened to me.)
I never told him any of these things.
The moment I stepped foot in his house, I realized it wasn't a house at all, it was a retirement home. He was completely senile, and he didn't even know who he was, much less his only son. He couldn't eat properly; he could only smile and defecate on himself. I couldn't hate him, I can't hate him, because when I peeled apples for him and when I fed him some nice hot soup the nurses gave me, I learned to care for that side of my father. I understood him.
The only other person who visited my senile father was a cousin who kept him company. She wanted to repay my father who had given her money when she wanted to leave her hectic family life. She paid her rent all thanks to my father and was supported by him for many years. She told me later on, that she was certain my father helped her to ease his guilt of not being there for his son, for abandoning him. I never found out why he ran out on my mother, or perhaps my mother ran out on him. I don't really care much for that anymore, I just reasoned with myself they were 'adult things' , that things happen and we can only accept them. ( Like I always do.)
My father never called me 'Mikado' but he called me 'Hiromi'. My mother's name. I must have looked a lot like her, and it's a bit sad, I can't recall her face not one bit. It's just blank and that is perhaps I was blind when I was younger. The only thing I remember was her voice. Her voice sounded far away all the time and when she spoke about me to others I hated when she would encourage them to give me their sympathy. She made me feel like I was a clown in the circus, a fee for every view. I'm sure people would judge me for thinking this way, but they aren't me. They don't even have the slightest idea what is helplessness or sorrow.
I visited my father every day until he died, the nurses told me he died calling for 'Hiromi'. He was asking her to 'please change the channel'. I wonder if that was all to my father's life, always calling for a person that would never answer him back. At his funeral I buried him with one of my mother's jewelry boxes, playing old traditional records of bandits and princesses.
If my father found happiness in calling for my mother's name, I guess the time that I'm happiest is when I pretend I don't know myself. That was the reason why immediately after my graduation from high school, I left to travel. Every two months I switched to different regions of China. I wanted to experience everything you could in this great big land, so I was constantly living a fast and willful life. And why shouldn't I? It is inevitable that my life will be unbearably short compared to others, so why shouldn't I live it fast? I shouldn't complain for there are many stillborns in this world. They were never born, but I at least was.
At that time, when I was a teenager straight out of high school, I thought like this—'I have lost many things, things that I can't get back, things that have no name. In my travels I have learned, that in this world nothing belongs to anyone, so if nothing in this world belongs to me, then why am I wasting my time feeling sad about these things that aren't mine?' That sort of thinking process, I have come to find out is a very juvenile and innocent way of thinking…I was only trying to rationalize the things that happened to me. That was my coping mechanism. To devalue myself as well as my life.
Our lives, I thought at that time…we put value to them because of the things that we have. It makes us what we are, but when nothing belongs to me, that is when I can truly return to nothing. I can travel to my heart's content and not be Mikado, the boy who was born blind, ill, and mute. I'm not Mikado. I'm a man who is a well-rounded person who is sympathetic and cares for others. A person who is the lover of photographs and botany, mixed with gardening.
When I'm in a familiar setting, the people around me don't let me be anyone else except 'Mikado'. They constantly remind me about my health, how I need to be cared for. I am capable of taking care of myself, I don't need you to drive me around like some cripple, I don't need you to buy me a house and I certainly don't want your money.
This world is not mine.
Have you ever felt this way Izaya-kun? The feeling of being completely and utterly alone even within a crowd? I'm sure you have. Shizuo-kun feels it too, but for him, he was born with a kind and pure heart, with the right direction he can become someone grand. But you and I are different. I just know it; I just feel it at the bottom of my stomach where my kidneys might explode at any moment, that me and you were born with a difficult fate.
While you love the 'humans' and are fascinated by their sick and twisted emotions and actions( or at least you say you do), I am frightened. I am so frightened I can't let anyone else become close to me. Now this might come as a shock to you Izaya-kun, but think about it really…
When have I ever told you anything about myself when I was alive?
I didn't want you to know me; I didn't want to be known as Mikado because I wish I was born as someone else. Why…why was I born? The only answer I can come up with is to suffer.
And I will accept this punishment because I deserve it.
I am a bad person, Izaya-kun. You still have the power to change, you and all your young classmates. Shizuo has already begun to change; he is morphing into something quite stunning. Yet you, you're like a rose. You are very nice to look at, but you have visible thorns. You have taken shape, but you still haven't bloomed.
I am a terrible adult and all I do is use others. How do I use others? I use them to try to feel something. Anything. Even though I am frightened of the world, I am also frightened of what I have become. As each day became a month and every month became a year, I felt myself caring less and less. When the change was barely starting I became wary, since I knew that emotional development wasn't normal. I researched a bit on it and the closest thing I could label it as was 'blunt effect' or 'flat effect'. In a dictionary it said 'It is symptomatic of schizophrenia, depression, or brain damage. It manifests as a failure to express feelings either verbally or non-verbally, especially when talking about issues that would normally be expected to engage the emotions. Expressive gestures are rare and there is little animation in facial expression or vocal inflection.' I could fake my facial expressions perfectly and I mastered it in a few years. Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like Kasuka…
So at that time I thought, the Gods had taken my sight and voice when I was born, and now this, my heart? Why couldn't I feel anything? I thought. Why couldn't I become close to others and show them the 'true me'?
Is it because of rejection? No. Is it because of hate? No. It is because they might forgive me. Yes.
The only reason I want to help others, is to make my pain seem less. I don't want to think about my issues. My issues, if I think about them too long, would kill me faster than the illness I have. I guarantee it. The reason I forgive others, the reason I receive everyone's rage, is because I want someone to forgive me. And that's why I hate myself, because I am selfish. I believe that the majority of people are good because they don't hate me, someone that shouldn't be alive. But I know I should never be forgiven. I don't deserve that much kindness.
I just want to be happy.
That reminds me about something Masaomi said in High School. It was on the day my grandparents died, they died when I brought them their evening tea. It was a peppermint. That's why a while ago when you invited me over to your house I politely declined when you served me some. I don't like to drink it for it reminds me of gentle old hands that looked like bark and voices that brought me comfort on stormy nights.
In the funeral, Masaomi told me out of nowhere, "Maybe the reason god had made you blind was because he likes you."
I didn't know what to say, and before I could reply , Kasuka, who you probably know by now that he was my lover( all the way to my time of death) , came and pushed Masaomi on the ground .
"Masaomi." He said and I knew that look in his eyes meant he was cross. Masaomi knew this too, but he just looked at the floor, and after some time looks up at me.
" God…He wanted to save you from seeing the horrible things in this world."
When he told me this, I was a bit confused and it donned in me somehow. An epiphany.
Did I make the gods angry somehow?
They are probably angry, I thought at that moment, they are angry about something I did. They are angry with me because even though they have gifted me with sight and voice, I still want more. The thing that I ask for is happiness, and that is why I am at fault. I ask for too much. I don't deserve to be happy, I'm cruel, I use others…maybe this is why the other kids make fun of me.
Maybe that's why I'm suffering.
As I am typing the 'past me's' thought's I am quite embarrassed. When you look past at your youth, you'll think and wonder ' why would I do that?' , 'why did I do that?', you'll think about things that you just want to forget. I don't claim to be a religious person, nor do I look down on other's who do. If It makes them happy, they should believe in what they want to believe. So when I came to that conclusion, I don't even know why it came up to that. Perhaps because I was raised by overly religious Shinto grandparents I thought that way…come to think of it you like religion a lot, right Izaya-kun? In class you were always the first to ask questions and debate with me on religious wars and about the differences in religion in various cultures. Perhaps in college you may look into that.
Throughout my years I've witnessed my friends going through such great lengths for a cure to my illness, or new ways in prolonging my time in this earth. But whenever they presented me with a new herbal medicine ( that I knew wouldn't work) or new diet books ( that I knew wouldn't work) or new doctors ( that I knew wouldn't work) I smiled happily. I smiled happily because even if I can't feel anything my friends will. I could never tell them that, despite their efforts- the truth is… I just want to die.
Perhaps the only one out of my group of close friends who came close to scratching my exterior was Aoba. You've met him a couple of times and I know both of you dislike each other. You two dislike each other because you two are so much alike. Actually, the three of us are alike. Me, you and Aoba. We are alike because we have something missing inside of us.
With Aoba, I could show more of my 'true self'. He wasn't like anyone I had ever met and vice versa. Although he does not seem like it, he had a very desperate personality and it showed through his actions. He clung to me so tightly, just like you do. He clung tight to my heart trying to find warmth, yet he did not find any. He knew I didn't judge others, so he immediately felt overbearingly comfortable. Aoba on the inside is pitiful and insecure, this was established, I think, by his parents that might have well been strangers. Having parents does not really impact your way of life, good parents or bad parents do. So even if you don't have any parents, it does not mean you'd end up a psychopath, it doesn't mean a thing.
As me and Aoba's friendship strengthened, he began to hold my hand regularly. He held my hands at school, in town, at home. He always sat next to me, sometimes on top of me. On trains he would sit on my lap. I didn't push him away, but I didn't initiate it either. Sometimes when we were alone he cried for no reason, sometimes he would laugh uncontrollably and thrash everything in the vicinity. He would often destroy his room, smashing things that were replaceable. It was frightening, but I just looked at him when he did it. I accepted him.
Once he had slit his wrists in the bathtub, he was staring at thin air and I was the only one who knew. That was the night I had rejected him over the phone. Of course I knew he was going to do something overly dramatic, so I headed there as soon as he called ( Aoba never calls, he meets up with you). His parents weren't around as usual, so I had opened the door without permission. Sure enough, when I pulled back the shower curtains he was just there spilling his blood on the bathtub. They weren't deep cuts, just barely scratched the surface, yet the blood continued to spread because of the water.
"What are you doing here?" He had asked me that night as I sat on the toilet seat.
"Aoba, me and you are going to have a little chat."
All I did was tell him how I saw the world, what I felt and what I couldn't do for him. I couldn't love him. After that, he acted like nothing happened. His confession never happened, his suicidal and depressive actions long forgotten. I saw improvement in his behavior from that day on….
I'm really sorry I am all over the place. It's just that there is so much content I want to cover Izaya-kun, I mean after all, this is what you will inherit from me after my death (or I should hope so). How are you liking my Monster computer? It's neat isn't it? I've spent most of my life upgrading it and personalizing it .I'm sure someone interested in high tech machinery and gadgets like you would make use of it.
Mikado stopped typing on his computer and looked at his computer screen. 3:34 am. He saved the document in his desktop and entitled it 'To Izaya-kun'.
His fingers hover over the keyboard once again.
' But that was the old me Izaya-kun, The old me thought of the world like that. But since I've come to Ikebukuro, I've changed. And it's all thanks to the people supporting me in my life; all of you have helped me like myself, just a bit though. You and Shizuo-kun, the class, being back here, my friends, my imminent death, it's helped me cope. It's helped me move on. All of you have helped me learn how to love..just a little bit. Sure, things still hurt me, but I have come to realize, the world...is a beautiful place. My eyes are letting off the same feelings as many years ago, when I was able to see for the very first time. Everything is kind, it's like I received a gift. I just want you to know that. I just want you to know I am falling in love with every single thing'
The blue eyed man's eyes crinkled like he was smiling but wasn't, it was too sad. " Or so I hope." He said to himself.
It was the beginning of a new day in Raira High School. Students arrived early; some were rushing to their period classes. In class 3B everyone was sitting in or on their desks, chatting it up. Since their History teacher Ryuugamine Mikado hadn't come for over two weeks the only thing they expected was a new substitute.
Izaya knew better.
He walked inside the classroom, being greeted by a few girls who had a romantic interest in him, greeted Shinra and smirked at Celty. He continued to walk to his seat, the one next to Shizuo and did something unexpected. He began to talk to the blond.
"Hello, Shizu-chan!" Usually Izaya and Shizuo never greeted each other, but during the lesson sent insults and retorts back and forth.
Shizuo didn't even grace him with an answer and looked out the window.
"Guess who I saw yesterday?" The dark haired youth placed his notepad on the desk. On the cover it had a heart drawn in the middle of it, inside of the heart it said 'Ryuugamine Mikado + Orihara Izaya'. Shizuo grimaced, 'how girly.' But he still did not respond. The blond took out his textbook from his backpack, as if Izaya didn't exist.
"Mikado-chan, that's who!" When Izaya had said this, his grin became wider, especially when he saw the way Shizuo's eyes widened.
"What did you say, you stupid flea?"
The noise level of the classroom was a little above average, their voices insignificant to the laughter and voices of over excited teenagers.
"I visited Mika-chan at the hospital yesterday. But—oops!" Izaya put a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide. " Maybe I wasn't supposed to tell you that, after all Mika-chan doesn't want anyone to know. He only told me. So let's keep this a secret , kaykay?"
Shizuo didn't trust the other boy not one bit, and just as he opened his mouth ( and perhaps raise his fists) to call out the other's bullshit, the door opened.
It was Mikado.
He looked the same as always, but he looked much thinner, paler, frail. He smiled delicately at his students, now all jumbling to their seats. The moment he walked inside the room the classroom became quiet and anxious. Their teacher was back!
"All of you were well behaved, I hope?" The man began to walk in front of the class, his blue eyes shone in good humor. "If not, I'll have to give all of you detention!"
His students laughed, and much to the surprise of Mikado, the whole class came up to his desk and began to demand an explanation for his absence.
"You were out for so long!" Shinra, the eccentric kid with glasses shouted. Another boy with sandy blond hair butted in, squishing the boy with the glasses to the side. He was part of the 'Otaku gang' Mikado noted.
"We thought you died!"
Everyone in the classroom laughs, including Mikado. Because really, wasn't that such a preposterous idea? The only one who hadn't laughed, or ran up to the teacher's desk was Izaya. Izaya just had his hand on the side of his face, smiling at everyone.
"I was out." Mikado laughs, and some of the teenagers in the classroom pouted.
"No fair, teacher!" It was like this for a bit, everyone had a chance to chat or greet their teacher one by one and returned to their desks. Some of the girls in the classroom were giddy, for they had asked for hugs (and it was well known the blue eyed teacher couldn't say no). Then it was Shizuo's turn, his palms were sweaty but his heart began to beat loudly. Like drums of war.
"Ah, Shizuo-kun." Mikado smiles at him and Shizuo discreetly turns a bit red. "It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry for my absence. Things…just happen. You're a good boy, so I'm sure you did well with your substitute teachers."
Shizuo's vision was on the floor and he does not respond to the other, and before he could stop himself his hands are already spreading for a hug. Although, when he is at a certain distance, he stops in his tracks and retreats back. If he were to hug Mikado, Shizuo thought, his strength would hurt the other. That was why he stood his distance from people, that was why he hadn't held his mother since childhood.
But when he walked away, he felt a pair of hands wrap him in an embrace. It took him a few seconds for him to fully digest it, but sure enough Mikado was hugging him. In front of the class no less! Shizuo saw the class out of the corner of his eyes, but everyone was busy with their own conversations, homework and all around goofing off. But there was Izaya, who still smiled but had a dark look in his eyes. They were angry.
He smelled the other's scent and knew it to be of Mikado's. He wanted to hug him back, he really did, but he didn't want to hurt him. So, Shizuo decided to keep his hands at his sides where they would be of no harm to anyone.
"I'm glad you're back." Shizuo smiled , his voice muffled by Mikado's chest. Mikado ruffles the other's hair, and he does not even comprehend the amount of power he has over the other's life.
"Sorry for worrying you," The elder man lets the other go. "I hope you aren't angry with me."
Shizuo looked up, his eyes only shining in admiration.
" O-Of course not stupid! You gotta tell me where you were…Kasuka..he..he didn't tell me anything…"
Shizuo looked up to meet the elder man's eyes, they looked like the mysteries underneath the sea.
"I'll tell you later." Mikado turns to the chalkboard. "But for now, turn to your seat. Let's begin the lesson shall we?"
Mikado's class periods continued without any disturbance throughout the day. The young teacher picked up where he left off, writing notes on the board with precision and absolute clarity. He was made for teaching.
Just as he was straightening his desk for lunch he heard a knock on his door. The dark haired man's eyes fell on the now opened door to see Masaomi's waving at him.
"Yo, Mikado." The man greeted. He lifted his other hand to showcase a plastic bag. "I got us some lunch. Sushi, it's ok right? Anri-chan said seafood is ok for you to eat."
Mikado placed his notebooks in his brown satchel. Kasuka had given it to him as a gift on their first date many years ago. It made him smile for a bit.
"Thank you, Masaomi-kun." Mikado slightly bowed as he reaches for a textbook." Let me just get the rest of my things packed. We'll eat at the teacher's room if you like."
Masaomi stared at the black haired man, how his actions seemed so fragile. His hands trembled as he reached for his items; his eyes were unfocused and wavering. How could he think, Masaomi thought, that he was ok? How could anyone not notice?
"Lemme get that for you," Masaomi didn't even wait for the other's response. He just grabbed everything on the desk and crowded it in the brown bag. "I'll carry it, let's just go I'm hungry."
"Masaomi…" The blue eyed man breathed, his face dull and a bit hurt. "I-"
"MIKA-CHAN!"
The two adults turned their heads to the sound coming from the balcony. They found Izaya with one of his arms supporting the side of his face, his body outside the window. He most have obviously climbed, Masaomi thought, but this is the second floor!
"Orihara-kun! Come inside this instant! How did you manage to climb all the way up here?" Mikado walked up to the window ledge while Izaya stood outside, his feet balanced by small foot space. The boy smiled a fox's smile at his teacher, all sly with mischievous intentions.
"The love that is between us has gifted me with super strength!" Izaya dramatically declared." I've become Spiderman!"
"Hey!" Masaomi jabs his finger accusingly at the other. "There can only be one SpiderMasaomi!"
Mikado rolled his eyes. "Anyways, what was so important that you had to climb all the way up here just to tell me?"
At that, Izaya maneuvers his whole body through the window in one swift motion, landing on his feet like a cat. An acrobat. " I'm holding an exhibit with the Robotic's Club, come and see my genius Mika-chan! I was in charge of programming and building of the machinery. I told you about it weeks ago but somebody had to get sick."
At this the blue eyed man faltered. " Ah, I'm sorry Orihara-kun. But I don't think I'll be able to make it right now." The teenager's smile disappeared, leaving behind a look that pertained to a spoiled child's face, a boy that couldn't attain the toy that they had wanted from first sight.
" But you said you would go!" Izaya huffed through his nose. "You're breaking a promise to me Mika-chan? I'll just die if you won't come!"
Masaomi stepped in between them, the protector and the knight in shining armor in himself kicking in. For he always played that role when it came to Mikado. " Hey, cool it brat. He just came back from the hospital. He needs to keep it easy. Big crowds aren't for him right now."
" I'm sorry Orihara-kun ,but I don't think me being around crowds right now is such a good idea…" The blue eyed man looked a bit guilty when he saw the teenager upset ( fake albeit). "-but we can go on a date after school, how does that sound?" At the mention of this, Masaomi's mouth dropped and his eyebrows twitched, in contrast to Izaya who's smirk widened to an inhumanly degree, his crocodile tears returning to his eye sockets.
"Well now that that's settled— I'll see you later Mika-chan! I'll come pick you up in the last period!" And before Mikado could scold the teen ( to get down from the building and into the courtyard the normal way) Izaya let himself drop. Masaomi rushed toward the window, confused and a bit worried, but then sees the flexible teen doing a handstand with his smooth landing. He even added some cartwheels to impress Mikado, but all it did was worry Mikado more ( oh no, what if he falls in a middle of one and breaks his neck? What if he falls on his face?)
'Friggin twizzler,' thought Masaomi. 'Bending and twisting himself and everyone around him."
He shut the windows with a strong force.
"So what's this about a 'date'." Masaomi's brown eyes looked sly and unamused. Both of the adults were walking toward the teacher's lounge, the blond held the door as Mikado entered.
" Well, it is a date! Aren't we having a date right now? Our lunch date!" Mikado sat down on the table closest to the entrance, the one near the refrigerator and his desk.
Masaomi placed the bag in between them and sighed. "I guess… now let's get to the eating. I'm so fucking starved!"
"Language." Mikado warned as he stabbed the other's forehead lightly with his chopsticks.
The two friends hadn't had lunch together in a long time. At least not 'real food' as Masaomi put it, not hospital food. Just as soon as Masaomi licks his chopsticks and slaps a big grin on his face, the door slides open.
"Mikado-sensei?"
Shizuo stood at the doorway looking down at his shoes, as if they were most important thing in the world. He had his hands behind his back and twisted his right foot occasionally. He was the image of a young school boy with his heart on his sleeve and not knowing what do with it all.
Mikado smiled at the table while Masaomi sighed ( very rudely) and began to groan. He wanted to begin hitting his head on the table repeatedly.
"Yes, Shizuo-kun? Would you like to join us in our lunch?" Mikado offered to the boy at the door entrance.
" Would that be alright?" Shizuo's tongue felt foreign for he hardly ever used polite forms of speech. His casualty in his speech patterns seeping through him.
"Of course!" Mikado turned to Masaomi frowning face. " Masaomi won't mind!"
"Actually," The blond teacher stood up, collecting his sushi and eating utensils." I just remembered I promised to do lunch with the hot P.E teacher. You guys go ahead."
Masaomi stood up, but not before meeting eyes with his childhood friend. One of Mikado's eyebrows was raised.
"Oh, and what about Mikajima-san?"
At this Masaomi falters, Shizuo enters and pretends to not be interested. The young boy sits on the chair the elder was previously seated ( Gross you left it warm!) ( Take it or leave it mini-kasuka.) After some time, the blond man turns around and says—"It's not cheating if I'm just talking to them right? Hehehehe…"
He shuts the door with a friendly wave, and as soon as he shuts the door Shizuo asks Mikado a question.
"Why are you friends with that lecher?"
Mikado just smiles.
Shizuo paid more attention to Mikado rather than his food. And after all the time he spent daydreaming on when his teacher would come back , he could only think at this precise moment how different Mikado looked. He looked sick.
Every motion he did with his hands took a tedious amount of time, he looked tired as if he hadn't slept in days and he chewed painfully slow. Even eating seemed too much of a labor for him. Shizuo then remembered that time his little cousins and Mikado went out to eat at a family restaurant, that time Shizuo asked the other about his health. There was something about it in the back of Shizuo's mind that left him with a feeling of absolute dread. Apples rotten to the core.
"You were gone for so long…" Shizuo placed his fork to the side of his plate( he was eating curry). "Where were you?"
The adult in front of him did not react to this question, he continue to chew his food slowly. "I was at the hospital."
Panic.
"You're sick?" The blond teenager began to tremble and grabs the edges of his seat slowly, he hoped to calm himself down and keep his outbursts under control.
"I am. But maybe…" Mikado looked at the other's eyes. "I think it would be best to tell you at another time. Not because I don't trust you, but it's because I'd like to tell you in my own time. Is this alright with you Shizuo-kun? I humbly apologize."
Just hearing this from the elder man's lips made him blush with embarrassment, to even think, Mikado thinks of him so highly that he'd like to make time just to have a conversation with him! Shizuo was surprised and happy that he'd be worth so much to someone, it didn't matter that the news would be grave, just these simple acts lead him toward an endless pit of joy. Secret sharing.
"I-it's fine. I'm not pressuring you or anything!" The boy waves his hands around the place, like he was washing windows.
Mikado smiled. "Thank you."
Shizuo then talked about all the little changes and events that happened in Mikado's absence and all in all, Shizuo was a bit surprised. A few months back he could have never even imagined himself to talk this much to someone, but after going to shops after school with his new found friend Celty, he learned to be more friendly, he learned to be comfortable with himself for a bit.
"Ah , I see." The elder man cleans his plate off the table . "So then what happened next?"
"Well, I got the job of making the doughnuts. That's the only thing you taught me how to make so far." The blond boy remembered their baking adventures one rainy afternoon. Mikado had visited Kasuka for some reason or the other and as soon as Mikado had the chance he invited Shizuo to bake with him. "They're selling them right now at the booths."
Shizuo pointed downward to the courtyard of the school filled with flocks of adolescents enjoying the school festival. It was a pre-school festival, a set up and preview of the end of the year festival that was to come. Mikado observed the students trying out the goldfish scoop, the fortune telling scoop and lastly, his eyes focus on a familiar red shirt. Izaya.
He was with Kishitani ( Mikado noted) and was charming everyone with his good looks to make their booth the most popular.
"He's doing quite well." Mikado didn't need to say Izaya's name Shizuo knew who 'he' was.
The blond boy's bangs covered his eyes, his hand holding a spoon on the table. "Sometimes...I want to be a bit like Izaya."
This came as a surprise to the blue eyed teacher. Mikado tilted his head ever so slightly.
"Ah, really? Why would you want that, Shizuo-kun?" The blue eyed man asked this with his usual soothing voice, the one he knew that always worked on others.
"Cause he's smart." The blond haired boy said shyly, he looked outside the window and viewed Izaya tapping away at his computer at the Robotics club booth. Shizuo saw the gadgets all moving about and the gasps all praising the time and genius spent on making such machinery." Really smart." He added briskly.
Mikado nodded, wanting the other boy to continue.
"I may not be that smart," Shizuo confided in a low voice, as if troubled by the thought of someone overhearing them. "But I got heart." At this time the blond's eyes are firm, certain and young and honest. Mikado was reminded of a young Masaomi, so innocent and knightly, a real prince.
Mikado couldn't help but smile, the midday sun shining behind him giving the room an ethereal look. A pain suddenly hits his chest, whether it was the pain of nostalgia or the pain of his insides he did not know.
"That is the part I like best of you Shizuo-kun, your courage."
The two cleaned up soon after that, but Shizuo left with another happy memory of the other. One of the most cherished memories of his first love.
These moments would come to an end very soon for they were the calm before the storm.
After school Izaya had waited for Mikado just like he had told him. Both of them decided to watch a movie at the elder man's apartment but would stop for a coffee and snacks. It felt like déjà vu for both of them, because the first time they ever shared each other's company they did the exact same thing. They even went to the same convenience store and sure enough, Izaya asked for the same sour candies that tasted like watermelon.
They crossed the same streetlight in which they talked about Izaya's 'indecent activities'. And Mikado cherished every moment of it, the feeling of Izaya's arms latching on to him as he blabbed about everything, the sound of their footsteps in rhythm, because he knew that it would be very soon when he could no longer do any of these things.
Something inside of him will end very soon. The world that did not belong to him would soon end.
"What movie will we watch today?"
Mikado asked this from the kitchen, he was preparing the popcorn and the drinks. The star shaped ice clinked softly as he placed them in two cups. Izaya was having iced coffee, as usual and Mikado had some green tea in his. Their movie night ( which became a routine in a few weeks) were filled with Avant-garde movies or artsy sort of films. Of course Izaya chose all of the films, but sometimes he chose the cheesy old horror movies from the eighty's like 'Killer Clowns from Outer Space' and 'Night of the Demons'.
Izaya was setting up the DVD player and blew on the CD entry.
" It's called Funeral Parade Of Roses—"
This made Mikado smile from the kitchen.
"Wow! One of my favorite films. I saw it while in College, it left a lifelong impression on me."
Izaya raised an eyebrow, always smiling.
"Someone like you likes this film? Ha. Very surprising, Mika-chan. Considering it's about a transvestite with a wicked past."
"The ending was such a twist." The man placed the small tray of treats between them. " Father and son were both lovers but the both of them didn't know!"
"How kinky!" The dark haired teen laughed. " This makes me think strange things about you Mika-chan!"
Mikado looked for the remote control.
"How so?"
"I mean, you don't have a girlfriend." Izaya counted on his fingers. " You say this is your favorite film while most men would feel queasy just thinking about it. It's very gratuitous in the sex scenes too, are you perhaps…a homosexual?"
"No." Mikado spoke. "No, I'm not." He couldn't possibly explain it to Izaya, that the reason he was with Kasuka wasn't because he was man, he was with him because he made him feel safe.
" Mika-chan you don't have to lie to little ol' me!" The teen crossed his legs. " It could be our secret."
The adult knew the conversation was bordering on dangerous so he changed the subject quickly. He turned on the television as it was loading the disc.
" How was the robotics club?"
"It was idiotic."
"Oh? You seemed to be having so much fun there."
"Why would I like being there? They are all jealous little humans." Izaya reached for some popcorn. "They all hold resentment towards me because of my intelligence."
Conceited much? Mikado thought.
"What makes you say that?"
"Well they sabotaged my machine. They broke it apart right before show time. I had to borrow Shinra's for my demonstration."
This made Mikado pause the movie, his face contorted to disgust and concern. He turned to face the younger who didn't even seem like it bothered him. In fact, it looked like he was talking about the weather, nothing but cloudy skies tonight!
" Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Orihara-kun." Sadness laced his voice. "Why didn't you tell me? Or why didn't you tell the supervisor of the event? Your teammates had no right to do that!"
"It's fine." Izaya smiled sweetly. "You were worried about me, huh Mika-chan? But it's ok, he received something much worse."
At this, Mikado gulped.
"What happened to him?"
"I just beat him up, jeez, Mika-chan you don't think I killed him did you? I mean, I won't kill him for something as petty as that. But pretty soon after that, I realized that everyone besides Shinra-kun was behind the betrayal."
"The whole club?" Mikado asked astonished. He knew there had to be other factors that made Izaya this way. Izaya felt ostracized from his teammates and perhaps, this was one of the leading factors in his behavior. If he would only push him a little more, he could get to the bottom of this. He was running out of time, the hourglass already half full.
"So everyone hates me? I don't have any friends really, that's funny!" The red eyed boy began to laugh lightly, his eyes dis-focused and a hand on the side of his face, as if trying to keep himself together. Like a puzzle.
Mikado just looked at the other, a sad look in his eyes because he knew what it was like to be utterly and completely alone.
"When you laugh I become frightened and unsteady because I'm not sure what I should do." The adult twiddles with the tablecloth. "I'm not sure what I should say. And what frightens me the most is that I often think that laughter sound like screams. Your laughter sounds like screaming."
Izaya smiles and closes his eyes. There is a moment of silence; branches hit the window lightly, the wind playing a concerto for the two emotional unstable people in the room. The very alike people in the room. Two halves of an apple coming from the same core.
"Then why do you continue reaching out for me? Why is it that you make me want to search for you?"
The concerto hit its peak.
" Because, Izaya," Mikado closed his eyes. "You're brilliant and crazy and bitter—"
The black haired boy laughed out loud. "What other compliments do you have for me?"
"And delusional…but that's what makes me love you. That's what makes you so human."
At this, for the first time in Mikado's life had he ever seen the boy confused. It was quite comical actually, that look was so foreign to the know-it-all boy who scored 100 percent in all his exams, the Einstein. Because regardless if Izaya knew what E = mc2 was, there was nothing he knew about compassion or love. No matter how much he talked about love or read about it, if he didn't put it into practice (much like studying for mathematics and science) it would result in failure. Just saying ' I love you' millions of times, doesn't make it true. Mikado knew this, love was learned.
"What?" Izaya blinked.
"I don't know what you're looking for Izaya-kun… but all I feel is that if you continue this way it will only be your downfall that you'd find." The blue eyed adult recomposed himself and laid his palms on the table. "I don't know why would you want to work for my father Shiki, but it's something…that I would never wish on anyone. Why would you want to work for the Yakuza?"
"Because it's fun." Is all the boy said without any shame. "I chose this life for myself."
"I find that hard to believe—" Mikado spoke " That someone with options would want that sort of life. This sort of thing is for people that have no way out. But you, you're young. You can change…"
But right when he says this Izaya jumps on the table and in one swift move pins the elder man on the floor. Mikado does not struggle, he just blinks and looks at the ceiling, as if he were bored to death.
"Hey, Mikado-kun. I feel so alone. I'm so lonely."
At this, the blue eyed man trembles because he feels a hand wandering where they shouldn't be.
"Don't touch me there! You have no idea what you're doing!" With all of the strength he could muster Mikado had enough to throw the teen toward the couch. A form of rejection took place in the apartment that night.
"Well, Mika-chan, if you don't want to help me—" Izaya made himself comfortable on the couch, his head leaned all the way back. "I'll just take care of it myself." Izaya reached down to undo his belt, his hands already undoing his belt buckle leading to his own self destruction. The adult stared in horror and dashed toward the other's side and grabbed Izaya's hands in an attempt to stop the other. (The younger found that cute, the angry face of the other so he let Mikado think he could win in a fight of physical strength).
"Orihara-kun! Stop it!"
Izaya just grinned, his pearly whites showing.
"Why?"
"These sorts of things," The elder man stuttered out, "Are for people that are in a relationship, people that are in love with each other."
"For many people, love doesn't exist. It's just sexual appeal." Izaya stretched on the couch. "But you're different aren't you Mikado? You don't even feel sex appeal."
Mikado's grip on the other's wrists began to loosen slowly.
"If a man had a relationship with a girl who had a good appearance, they would leave her if she looked disabled or fat. That's because men are bastards with nothing but sex on their minds. And of course, all of this also applies to women. Women are all just a bunch of filthy whores with nothing but wealth and comfort on their minds." The teen looked up to the ceiling as if he were channeling his words to the gods. "It isn't us, its humanity that's rotten. Aren't they wonderful? Nothing more is behind it. Even our parents." Mikado noticed when the other said 'parents' his eyes turned cloudy. A morning mist had formed. That sort of feeling. "The only reason people stay together is to watch over their children. No one truly loves anyone, except me. I won't become like this whole world, I'm something above them. I'm going to become something above them, I'll be so far they won't even be able to reach me. I'll become immortal."
In a sense, Shizuo and Izaya were two innocents that did not belong in this world ,that was what the blue eyed man thought in the bottom of his heart.
Mikado took two steps back because he understood the other boy much closer that night. His mind was in circles, his body a complete wreck but he could only think about— But does Izaya really think this way? Does he honestly think that by being in the black market he can find immortality? Sure, there are more drugs and interesting things that the government would never let ninety percent of the population ever see, but surely it isn't something like that.
"Why do you think you'll find it there? If I, with this illness couldn't even find a cure…"
Izaya laughed.
"Humanity is a piece of miserable lies and trash." The dark haired teen's eyes were smiling when he said this, his smirk accentuating his features. Then, almost immediately he does a complete personality change. A whole 180 degrees and his eyes are now stern and serious, his mouth in a monotone gesture. The moon was in full view, its rays leading all the way to the shadows of the people in Mikado's living room. Izaya then turns his head slowly, his eyes distant and searching for the night sky. They stood there for a bit, the concerto is still and the songs of the crickets began to fill the night.
" You… don't love anyone, do you?" The adolescent takes out his favorite pocket knife, heading toward the elder man, putting a knife at his throat. The blade was flirtatious on Mikado's skin, teasing the skin on his neck.
Mikado does not react nor responds and instead asks— "Why are you so afraid of death Izaya?" He blinks. "Why…are you trying to kill me?"
"Why does that matter?" Izaya pushed the other one's thoughts away and channeled all his evil toward the man in front of him. "I've been trying to figure you out all this time Mikado-kun. I thought you were something more, but all you are is a person using everyone around you to try to feel something."
Mikado's eyes widened, his eyebrows furrowed and desperate. Izaya smirked, he wasn't sure of the elder man's intentions but said the first thing that came to mind and it was spot on. The teen would have never imagined the man would ever turn out to be like this and it excited him, it made him want to find out even more.
"Stop it!" The other shrieked, the only time Izaya had ever heard of the elder man raising his voice. Even so the boy continued.
"You're only pretending to be kind because the person inside is actually selfish and pathetic!"
"Stop it! You don't understand" Tears were forming in Mikado's eyes and Izaya stopped to stare. He didn't even feel joy anymore ( and this was strange because in all his victims this was the part where he would be consumed with glee), the only thing that filled the teen at this very moment was anger, resentment. He lost complete control at the next statement.
"If you don't feel like living just die already!"
If. You. Don't. Feel. Like. Living. Just. Die. Already.
But the truth is – I just want to die.
The adult looked stunned for a moment, tears seeping through his eyes like a water canteen. Why was he still living? What was the point? What did it matter if he was now beginning to love others? What did love do for him?
" I c-can't…" Is all he could say to defend himself. "I've always lived for everyone else…just this once…at least let my death be for myself."
Mikado's eyes were looking directly at Izaya's when he said this, neither broke off the contact for a long while. But for the adolescent, it left him with an epiphany. Even though the elder was looking at him, he really wasn't looking at him. It was indifferent, it didn't exist. What could Mikado possibly be looking at? And the thought filled him with more rage, because he's seen the way he looks at the monster, he's seen the way he looks at the monster as they talk or share food together. His eyes are completely different, they're there. He hated those eyes because they looked like his mother's.
"Didn't I tell you to watch me?" Izaya spoke quietly but his eyes expressing absolute truth." You are always looking at something other than me."
Instead of denying this, Mikado recomposes himself and breaks eye contact with the other. Rejection.
" You'll understand someday."
This earned the adult a cut in his arm, the blood released on staining the white table cloth. He liked that table cloth, it was on sale.
"You use everyone around you to feel something, anything." Izaya hovered over the injured man menacingly. "Even now that I've cut you, that I could kill you at any moment your eyes never reach mine…You're…" Mikado stood silent for a bit, and blinked politely for the other to finish. "You're really cruel."
The blue eyed man's eyes became filled with fear and grabbed the closest thing to him for protection. There was only a pen and he tried with all his might to make the small blue ball point pen menacing. He pointed it at Izaya.
The teen laughed.
"No!" Mikado shouted as he held on to his injured arm, trying to stop the bleeding. "I wont' let you take that away from me! My death is mine and mine alone. It's the only thing I have control over!"
" If I was Shizuo things would be different wouldn't they?"
Mikado blinked.
"What?"
"You and him are in a teacher student relationship aren't you? I've seen you coming out his house late at night, your cell phone and phone bills are filled with his house phone number…how perverted you are Mika-chan. I didn't know you liked little boys."
"No you have it all wrong Izaya—I wasn't with him I was with Ka—"
But Izaya didn't want to hear the other's supposed lies.
"You're using your illness as an excuse to make everyone feel sorry for you, it gives you a sick sense of satisfaction because you can give everyone a huge 'Fuck you' because you'll be dead soon. You're just leading everybody on!" Mikado then realized this was Izaya's way of coping for his imminent death. "I should kill you and end your pathetic life."
But even so , it did not justify a spoiled brat's actions.
"You know what? No." Izaya didn't know when it had happened but he felt an immense pain coming from one of his hands. When he looked down he saw blood flowing out of his hand like water. There was a pen edged right through his hand, like a fork in a piece of cake. And just knowing that this was caused by Mikado, Mikado stabbed him, stabbed him with a pen, left him feeling a strange perverse sense of passion.
"I'm sick and tired of this." The elder man's eyes were foreign, this was a different man, Izaya was certain. "Can you leave the house without being assisted by someone? Do you feel so violently sick that you vomit even when you do the most minimal things like answer a phone or the door? Do you know what it feels like to be knocked out by a combination of unexplained pain and fear several times a day, in random terrifying attacks that you can't predict? No." Mikado answered for him. " No. Your health issue is caused by your decayed mind, caused by your weakness and your sickness. You can change any time, but not me. It's too late for me."
When Mikado stops talking, his eyes fill yet again with tears, they were angry ones. They burned, like soap was in his eyes. Izaya didn't know why, but he liked this Mikado the most. The sad one, the cold and cruel one, so the teen does the only thing he feels like doing. He stands up and reaches for the other's face with his bloody hand and kisses the teacher full on the lips.
When Izaya retreated back ( quite pleased with his work) Mikado looked blankly at the other and blinked. He stepped a bit closer to him and placed his hands on the other's shoulders. The teen thought the elder was going to return the kiss, but instead began to push him quickly to the door. Not too long, Izaya is met with the face of a door and an apartment number, and then it donned on him.
Mikado had kicked him out of the apartment.
A lot of things happened and this chapter was bordering around 30 pages, so I did what I could do and cut this chapter in two. Now the next chapter will be uploaded soon since it is already half way done!
This was the first fanfic I ever planned out and wrote according to the notes .First story I published officially too. I learned with trial and error how to use this website and also how to do many things. Thank you for staying with me all the way guys. Also, I'm rechecking the previous chapters for mistakes and all that. It seems that some of you are confused about the time span? Okay, Chapter six, is when there is a time skip. Please read carefully? It's been almost a year since Mikado met with Izaya and Shizuo, so I just wanted to make this clear to everyone.
I'm sorry I had a sudden hiatus, but don't worry! I will never, ever leave a project unfinished. Especially since this is almost at its end. Please look forward to it!
Thank you, and I hope to see you again soon! Next chapter updated should be anytime this month.