Here I am again...finally. I am really sorry for taking so long with updating, but my flu got worse again, I had to stay in bed for a while and after I was better I had to do a lot of work for university to catch up with what I missed during classes. But I was able to continue my story this week...enjoy reading the next chapter!
10. What's going on?
"I was pregnant." She said, her voice broken at the end. Tears were now rolling down her cheeks freely and she continued to look at the ring sorrowfully.
"I found it out during the mission. I was already 7 or 8 weeks along." She made a short pause and started again with a bitter chuckle. "You would think that an experienced medic-nin like me would have noticed it earlier and not in the middle of a mission. Guess I wasn't that good in the end... I told Kazuo about it and he was so happy... he told me to... to just back out of the mission... but we both knew that I couldn't do that. I always ask myself if... they all could still be alive... if I had left the mission. I ask myself if... if it was my fault that they died. I had to use chakra to heal myself for wounds I would have never healed if I had not been pregnant. And Kazuo protected me just because of the baby. I had not enough chakra left to heal him... or me... or the baby... I killed the team, I killed him...and our baby!" Sakura started to sob and Kakashi saw that her knees gave away under her weight. But before she could drop to her knees or fall, he hurried to her and caught her in an embrace and preventing her from falling with it. At first, she tried to fend off his embrace while still crying and sobbing, but he just tightened his grip on her until she was leaning her forehead against his chest in defeat, her clenched fists lying on the sides of her head on his chest. She had calmed down a bit, but Kakashi didn't release her. He had no idea how long they stayed that way while he was feeling every emotion she felt, not just the sadness and grief, the unuttered reprovals she made herself go through. Maybe he was able to help her, even if it was just for a little while.
"Does Tsunade know about the baby?" He asked with a calmness he didn't feel inside. At least one person had to be -or better- pretend to be calm in this situation. "I don't know." Sakura responded with a damped voice. She was still leaning against him. "Would she blame you if she knew?" He asked with a gentle and soft voice. He was careful not to show any pity in it since he knew that she didn't want it, especially not from him.
Sakura wasn't surprised to hear this question from him in this situation. She had asked herself this question millions of times, and in the end, the answer was always the same.
"No... No, she wouldn't. I know it in my mind, but my heart... There was no way for me to back out when I found out. We simply had no time to waste and sending a message and waiting for back-up was out of question. So we didn't tell them. More than four people would've died if the mission had gone wrong, but... they would probably be still alive. That's what being a shinobi is about... the mission comes first and nothing except it matters, not even the life of teammates or your own. And that's what I've been living like for the past year." Kakashi was still holding her, his hands roaming over her back in a soothingly pattern without even noticing. His eyes were closed and deep inside, he knew exactly what Sakura was talking about. Now the things Tsunade had told him yesterday finally made sense.
"Every time I saw a child I remembered everything... Especially after I saved Mai. I wasn't ready to come back to Konoha, my inner self knew it and so did I. I just forgot everything, it was easy, especially while being away from Konoha. But later, it became harder every time someone mentioned Konoha or something related to it. I started to remember things, little things at first, but it still made me angry cause I started to feel the pain again I believed I was over. And then we got this mission with Mai involved again and I remembered everything. And I mean everything. I just couldn't deal with it, with everything I felt and remembered. I still can't." By now, Sakura had stopped sobbing and she was holding back the tears that still threatened to leave her eyes.
"You were right about most of the things you said yesterday, but there is one thing you were wrong about... I never wanted to hurt anyone and I never wanted to make anyone... them unhappy. I never did it intentionally... I have lost my friends, everything that's important to me. I have lost myself, and it is my own fault." Kakashi released her from his grip when he felt that she needed the space between them. She was pale, her eyes puffy and red. For one second their eyes met and Kakashi gaped in surprise behind his mask without her noticing it. Sakura's eyes had changed their colour slightly. They were still dark, but there was a trace of green in them. Sakura broke the contact first. She was one hell of an image of misery and she knew it. But she didn't care. She turned around and started to walk away.
"You haven't lost everything. I am here, aren't I?" She stopped and turned her head to his direction after he said this. "Yeah, but why would you stay now that you know what a horrible person I am who can't deal with being a shinobi." Sakura said calmly, lost in her depression.
I want you to stay and tell me that everything will be okay, like you always did when something went wrong. But how can I do that to you? How can I drag you into this? I don't want to hurt you too.
She turned her head around again and started to walk away, but she stopped when she heard him talking to her again.
"You really think I would walk away?"
I would never walk away from you, Sakura, no matter what you did. But you have to figure that out alone. All I can do is to be there for you right now...
Kakashi suddenly appeared in front of her. "Don't make me angry again, Sakura. You did what you had to do in order to survive. Believe me, I know how you feel right now and how you felt the last year." He told her calmly. He put his hands back into the pockets of his trousers, remembering a time where he himself felt the same things she felt and went through the same things. "You will get them back to being your friends again if you want them to be. Believe me, you will. It will be hard to gain back their trust and their friendship but you can do it. But right now, you have to sort everything out for yourself. You will have to learn to accept what happened and live with it. Live with yourself." Kakashi spoke calmly, looking into her direction the whole time. It broke his heart to see the sadness and hopelessness in her eyes.
You will have to find the reason again why we are shinobi... why you wanted to be one so badly before all this happened to you, Sakura. And you will have to accept so much more... Not just the things that already happened, but also the things that will happen in the future. I just wish I could help you with everything. But there are some things you will have to do on your own... things I can't help you with. Things I can't change for you no matter how hard I want to change them.
She hid her eyes with her bangs by bowing her head after he had finished. "I know." Sakura said after some moments of silence, her voice low and monotonic.
But I will have to do it alone... Without anyone around me, otherwise I don't know what I will do. Without you
With one last sad glance of her eyes in his direction she turned around and walked away from him, leaving him standing near the cenotaph, absorbed in his own thoughts.
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Sakura stood in front of the cenotaph, staring at the name of her dead friends. She didn't know how long already. During the last two weeks she got used to a daily routine, consisting of visiting the cenotaph early in the morning and training until she was barely able to move. She would go home after her tiresome training and go straight on to bed. If she was lucky, she would get some sleep before she woke up from horrible nightmares only a few hours after she went to sleep. But most of the times after going to bed she would lie in her bed, staring at the white and dreary, dark ceiling until she fell asleep out of exhaustion with the same result: Waking up from nightmares. The excessive training and the lack of proper sleep were already bad enough, but Sakura also skipped most of her meals. When the pain in her stomach became unbearable due to hunger, she would eat a little snack or some of the pills ninja took during battles or missions while there was no time to eat. She knew that it wasn't healthy in the long run and that not eating wouldn't help her in this situation, but she couldn't help it.
After she had told Kakashi everything and was back at home on that day, sitting on her sofa, she had realised what was really going on. She was in the exact same situation she had been one year ago in regard to her emotions. But this time she knew she had to cope with it otherwise it would destroy her slowly and completely. Now she had to find out how to deal with everything, but obviously she wasn't very good at it. Sure, she could ask for help, but she wanted -no had- to do it alone since she was afraid what could happen if she didn't. That was also her reason for avoiding other people, especially talking to them as much as she could -even Kakashi. On the other hand, she felt the loneliness crushing her slowly. Whenever she saw a couple or little kids she felt jealousy rushing through her body followed by shame when she realised what she had been thinking. Those contradictions weren't helping her and she was aware of this fact, but she couldn't do anything to prevent it.
Sakura closed her eyes as staring at the names became too painful. She tried to stop the memories she knew would come, tried to control her mind and stop them from coming. But she wasn't able to. Memories of her dead friends rushed through her head. Some were happy, some very random and ordinary, but they all still meant so much to her. And with the memories, the guilt and pain of loosing her friends came.
Her stomach contracted painfully which reminded her that she hadn't eaten anything for the last two days. She opened her eyes again which were filled with tears but she fought them until her eyes were normal again. She gulped and turned around, walking home slowly. She would grab something to eat and head to the training grounds afterwards. Like she had done for some time now.
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Kakashi watched Sakura standing in front of the cenotaph. He had observed her for the last two weeks without her noticing it, following her everywhere she went. He had told Tsunade about his talk with Sakura, but he had left out the details. Sakura was the only one who should tell her about the things she had told him. Tsunade understood what he had tried to tell her: 'Leave her alone for now. Don't push her too far.' He had talked not only to Tsunade during the last two weeks, but also to Naruto, Ino and Tenten. Or at least he had tried to. Naruto and Ino had refused to talk to him completely while Tenten had at least attempted to. But she too had refused to talk to him after she had heard the whole story from Naruto. Hinata had been the only person near to Sakura who still talked to him. And she had promised to try and talk to the others about everything.
Kakashi leaned against a tree trunk, his hands buried inside his pockets. Sakura didn't look too well, he noticed even from the distance. She was pale, she had bags and black stripes under her eyes which indicated him that she wasn't sleeping well. And she wasn't eating well either since she was too thin. He knew that if she continued to walk down the path she was right now, she would never overcome her feelings of grief, guilt, hate and deep pain. The feelings would destroy her this time because this time, she wouldn't run away like she did over one year ago. This time her feelings and emotions would hunt her to a corner in her mind where she wouldn't be able to evade them. They would overwhelm her at one point and if this happened during a dangerous mission she would surely die. The self destructive actions she had showed during the last year were an indication of that. But so far, her will to live had been stronger than the will to die. He had to do everything in his power to keep it at that. And he would, even if Sakura tried to fight against him helping her.
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Sakura was inside the shower, letting the warm water embrace her and relaxing her mind. The necklace with the ring was hanging around her neck, its small weight but strong meaning pulling Sakura's head down. Yesterday had been by far the worst day for a long time and the night had not been any better. After visiting the cenotaph and walking home, she had detected that her refrigerator was empty and so had every shelf and cupboard been. The only thing she found while searching for something to eat were 2 years old cookies with a carpet of green mildews on them which she shoved into the trash can on her way out. She went to the training grounds and forgot about eating completely while doing a harsh training session for her body. It was already getting dark when she tripped over her own feet out of exhaustion and she fell to the ground. She had tried to ease the impact up by bringing her arms in front of her body, but the only result was that her left wrist made a cracking noise and that she landed face first on the ground. After lying there for 5 minutes she got up and examined her wrist without her actual medic knowledge. She knew that she wouldn't be able to use it anyway, so what would be the point in trying? With a sigh of relief she diagnosed that her wrist was sprained and not broken, which wouldn't have been the first time since she had broken her wrists 3 times during the last year, but luckily there had always been a medic nin around to treat it.
With a sigh, she went home and to bed without even caring to take her clothes off. Of course she woke up from a nightmare only 2 hours later and after going back to sleep, she woke up from the worst nightmare she had for almost one year. The worst she could remember anyway. And now she was in the shower, shaking her head about her own stupidity.
How could I ever have thought that I could make it? I will never make it... I wish there was a way to end all this... End all this agony once and for all.
"Don't you even think about this! What about your friends? What about yourself?"
I don't know.
Sakura sighed and got out of the shower. She reached for the black towels she had placed near the shower. She wrapped the bigger one tightly around her body and used the other one to dry her hair. She walked out of the bathroom absentmindedly, still toweling her hair. She went to her bedroom and put the first clothes on she found which were mainly black like most of her clothes. She bandaged her wrist the best she could. If there was pain later during training, she would have to endure it. There was no way she would quit training today. She once more checked her wrist, hid the necklace under her top and then walked to the livingroom. She wanted to reach for her keys on a little table, but stopped in the middle of the motion. Her hand hovered over the key for some moments, before she turned her head to the sofa. She stared in that direction for several minutes out of surprise and shock without saying a word.
On her sofa was sitting Kakashi, looking down at something he held in his hands. She pulled back her hand that was still hanging in the air over her keys. For another minute she stood there without moving a muscle when Kakashi raised his head slowly and their gazes met. For what seemed like hours but were really just seconds, they looked into each others eyes, hardly breathing and moving. Then Sakura started to lower her eyes and her gaze landed on the paper in his hands. She realised that it was one of the rare photographs she had with her and Kazuo on it during one of their happy moments together. The pain slashed through her heart like no katana or jutsu ever could.
"Where did you get that?" She asked, her gaze hard and unforgiving, her whole body tense while staring at the photo. The last time she had seen it was on the day Kazuo had died. And Kazuo had been the one to have it. After one minute of silence, Kakashi stood up, and with one last glance at the photo, he stretched the hand with the photo in it out.
"Tsunade gave it to me some days ago. She thought you might want to have it back. It was one of the things which were brought back but Tsunade didn't have a chance to give it to you earlier." Kakashi said, his voice neutral. Sakura struggled to take the two steps she needed to go in order to reach the photo in his hand, but after some time, she went into his direction and took it. She didn't look at it though. She went to one of her lockers, opened the door, tossed the photo inside without caring where it landed and closed the door as fast as she could. She turned to face Kakashi again who was still standing near the sofa. She breathed heavy.
"What are you doing here?" She asked angry. Kakashi looked dumbfounded at her - or better played.
"Giving you back what belongs to you?" He asked back innocently.
"I got that. Then let me rephrase my question... What are you doing in my apartment and how the hell did you get in here?"
"Well, I..." He started to answer with his typical 'I have a good excuse and I will make you believe it' look on his face when Sakura thought of something and interrupted him. "How long have you been here? Did you...?" She stopped in the middle of the sentence starting to get angry. "You didn't peep on me while I was in the shower, did you?" Sakura asked, the anger audible in her voice.
Kakashi started to shake his head frantically with his 'I didn't do anything' movements of his hands. "Of course not. I have been here for some minutes, before you left your bedroom, fully dressed of course." Kakashi hurried to add. Sakura narrowed her eyes, but relaxed after some moments, because somehow, she believed him.
"I had some time to search through your kitchen though. You know that you don't have anything to eat in there, don't you?" Kakashi said, pointing to her kitchen area when Sakura started to turn to her frontdoor, but she stopped in the middle of the movement, turning her head in his direction again.
"You did what?" Sakura asked in shock. "I searched through..." Kakashi started, but was once more interrupted by Sakura. "I heard you the first time. What gives you the right to do that? You break into my apartment and then... You wanted a damn free meal? You are bothering me because of that?" Sakura asked him with an unusual expression on her face which asked him if he went insane.
"No, no, I just..." Kakashi started with his excuses once again. Sakura sighed. "I don't want to hear it." She fully turned to her door, took her keys and went out of her apartment. After some minutes of walking she felt him walking by her side.
"You shut the door behind you, I hope." She said while still walking, her gaze on the street ahead. "Of course. I don't want to get into troubles with the owner of the food-less apartment." He joked, smirking behind his mask. So far, his plan to surprise and then distract Sakura at least a little had worked out since she had reacted as predicted. Sakura sighed in defeat.
"Will you disappear into thin air like you normally do if I treat you to breakfast?" She asked, sounding annoyed. Kakashi's grin behind his mask got wider. "Sure." Was the only thing he said. Sakura changed direction to a near café she knew was open early. This day was far worse than she had thought it would be.
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Sakura was sitting on the ground under the shadow of a tree, shielding her from the sun on that beautiful day. She felt relaxed and calm like she hadn't for a long time. Kakashi was sitting near her, but not too near. He seemed relaxed, like always. After they had finished breakfast – which Kakashi had paid for – they went to the cenotaph together, both thinking about beloved friends they had lost. Sakura hadn't complained about him going with her. In fact, she liked it. This way she was able to silently share some of the pain, even if she didn't realize it at that moment. When she finished, she turned to the treeline near them and walked to the trees and sat down on the dry ground. Kakashi had followed moments later. And now, they were silently staring into the distance like they had on the previous mission during their watches.
"Where are Naruto and Sasuke? Don't you have to train with them or something?" Sakura asked after minutes of silence.
"Naruto has business to attend to and Sasuke is training with the team he will take his chuunin exam with." Kakashi replied calmly. He didn't want to destroy the relaxing atmosphere Sakura was in at the moment. He knew that Sakura was relaxed and calm right now because he knew the secrets she tried to hide from everybody else – because she was ashamed of them. She would learn how to deal with that in the future, Kakashi was sure about that. But right now, he had to show her that she would get help whenever she needed it.
"What happened to your wrist?" He had noticed the bandage around her wrist the moment she had walked into her living room, but he hadn't asked what happened until know. Of course he knew what happened, but he wanted her to tell him.
"I wasn't paying attention, I stumbled over my own feet and I fell. Nothing big, really." She said, blushing a little and feeling embarrassed. She, stumbling over her own feet? That was a no go.
Shit. Why did I tell him?
"Well, happens to me all the time." Kakashi said, not even showing if he felt uncomfortable telling her this.
"No it doesn't. I've never seen you stumble over something – anything." Sakura answered, looking up to the branches above her.
Unlike me. Whenever it gets hard, I struggle to continue.
"You know, you don't have to lie to me to make me feel better." Sakura added. Kakashi chuckled a little behind his mask before he answered. "Well, you caught me." He knew which way Sakura's thoughts went and he had to stop them right away. In order to do that, he had learned, he needed to do something that took Sakura by surprise.
Kakashi stood up. "You want to do some light training?" He asked and stretched his right hand out. Sakura looked up at him in surprise and without thinking or questioning her actions, she took his hand after some moments, letting him help her getting up. Maybe this day wasn't that bad after all.
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Weeks passed while Kakashi and Sakura silently developed a daily routine. Kakashi would pick her up in the morning and then they would have breakfast together. During those weeks, Sakura had started to eat regularly again, but not enough to gain back much weight since she still trained like hells fury was after her. Kakashi trained with her most of the time and made sure that she wouldn't hurt herself accidentally or intentionally - of course she wasn't aware of it. Whenever he was able to distract her from her grief, he wouldn't hesitate to do so. She was still having the same thoughts and doubts about herself, but the intensity of them declined slowly. She gradually got better, but she was still far away from thinking in her old ways about herself. She had still nightmares, and she knew that they wouldn't vanish in the near future, but she was able to get a hold of herself when she woke up from them - well, most of the time anyway unless they were really bad ones.
Kakashi did for her what the one year she had been away from Konoha couldn't – he helped her grieving and feeling somewhat normal again. Of course she wasn't, but she was on the best way there without noticing it.
After breakfast, they would go to the cenotaph together and train afterwards. But sometimes, they would sit on the ground, leaning against a tree and just enjoy the presence of each other. Occasionally they even talked about random things, but Kakashi knew that she needed time until she would trust him completely and tell him everything that was on her mind. He had no illusions why she had told him about her pregnancy and the other things weeks ago - she had needed some relief, a person to tell the worst things that had happened to her and he had been the right person in that situation, but now he had to proof to her that he was the right person to talk whenever she needed to and whatever it was about. And this would be hard work for both of them.
Kakshi had talked to Tsunade about Sakura and her small progress and she had once more agreed to his request to let him take care of her. But she also made clear to him that Sakura would have to do missions soon. The chuunin exam was near and the delicate security situation would require every ninja to be on duty – even Sakura, especially since she was still a member of ANBU.
Maybe Sakura had started to act relatively normal around him again but that didn't mean that she would around others. He knew that due to the fact that she still avoided being near other people whenever she had the chance to. And he knew that nobody, not even him, could force her to work within and with a team if she wasn't ready for that. Which she apparently wasn't. Tsunade realised that too during their conversation and assured Kakashi that she would find a suitable assignment for Sakura.
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The chuunin exams would take place in 4 days. The tension within Konoha was already tangible which wasn't surprising. After all, years ago Orochimaru had killed the third hokage during a chuunin exam and had left the village in a sensitive position among the other villages and countries, but it had gained back lots of his old status over the last years due to hard work of its ninja and nobody wanted to loose this again. Kakashi knew that Tsunade would take extra precautions and he expected to be called into her office for a briefing of his assignment soon. He was lost in his thoughts but was interrupted by the door of the café being opened. Opposite to him was sitting Sakura, a steaming cup of tea in her hands. She was absentmindedly staring into it. She too looked up when she felt a person approaching their table. It was Shizune.
"Tsunade-sama requests your presence in her office as soon as possible. Yours too, Sakura-san." Shizune said, bowing her head a little. She turned around and left the café after Kakashi had acknowledged the receipt of the message by nodding his head. Kakashi looked questionably to Sakura who shrugged her shoulders a little to signal him that she didn't mind if they went now. Kakashi had learned a lot about the gestures Sakura used in special situations over the last weeks, so he knew that she wasn't comfortable being called into Tsunade's office, but obviously she knew that she had no other choice. He nodded and got up, reaching in his back porch for some money which he left on the table. Sakura stood up too, leaving the still half full cup on the table and followed Kakashi who was already waiting for her outside. They silently walked to the hokagetower, Kakashi feeling the tension building up inside Sakura due to the fact that she didn't know what to expect. For a short moment, she looked into his direction and he took the chance to smile reassuringly. She smiled back merely noticeable, but the smile never reached her eyes. Kakashi sighed, but didn't say anything. Healing needs time after all. They continued to walk and 15 minutes later, they entered Tsunade's office.
Tsunade was standind near the windows, her back facing Sakura and Kakashi who were standing near the desk. Tsunade sighed before she turned around. Her eyes roamed over Kakashi first and traveled to Sakura, who wasn't looking into her direction but to the floor. She sighed again.
"I think the reason I called both of you here is clear. The chuunin exam is near and the participating villages have agreed to alter the procedure for this year. There will still be the written test and the test in the forest of death, but there won't be one month between this test and the preliminary or main battles. Right now, the normal procedure would cause unnecessary risks for both the village and the participants, since those who reach the main battles would have to stay in Konoha for one month and right now, we can't give any guarantees for the safety of participants from other villages. Depending on the heaviness of injuries of those fighting during the main matches we will start with them one to 5 days after the second exam. That still means a lot of work for us. I have already enough ninja partrolling and guarding the perimeter of the village but I need some ninja operating in the background, capable of concealing their presence and blend in without being noticed, even Konoha ninja." Tsunade explained, the whole time watching for any reaction from Sakura, but there was none.
"I want you two to be present during the chuunin exam, watching for any suspicious occurrences. I want you to be inside the forest of death during the second exam. In there, the teams will be vulnerable to any attacks from the outside. We can't afford to lose ninja there and I have the feeling that there might be something I can't lay my fingers on right now, but..." She stopped and Kakashi was able to tell that Tsunade was confused herself and that she didn't know what she could tell them. But before he could ask her, she continued after she had cleared her throat.
"This assignment requires you two to be independent from other teams and their movements. I can't tell you why I will ask for this at the moment, but I want you to be absolutely silent about the nature of your assignment. Don't tell anyone and you must not be seen inside of Konoha by anyone during this mission. It is crucial that you do as I ask. If anyone asks you what your mission during the exams will be you will say that you won't be in Konoha and that you have a secret mission in the water country. Your mission will start two days from now. Make sure that people see you leaving Konoha and come back, concealing your identity." Tsunade looked into their direction, her eyes piercing. Sakura was looking into the eyes of her shishou, seeing the seriousness in them. She was the one to speak first.
"We will do what you ask for, Tsunade-sama." She said while Kakashi just nodded his head. Tsunade stood there for some moments, her eyes still sharp, searching for any resistance for the instructions which she didn't find. When she was satisfied, she dismissed them with a short and harsh 'Dismissed.' and turned around to face the windows again.
Sakura and Kakashi walked to the training grounds. They made sure that nobody was around them when they broke the silence they had shared since they had left Tsunade's office.
"Something is bothering her. And it is serious." Kakashi said, his voice quiet. Sakura nodded slowly, her face showing that she was lost in thought. "Yeah. I haven't seen her like this for a long time." Sakura added. She looked up and saw a surprised expression on Kakashi's face. She looked at him questionably. "Well, obviously you never really noticed. She has that expression for quiet some time now. About two years, I think. Today it was... scarier though." He said in an explaining tone.
Sakura's face showed, that she understood the hint provided by him. It was because of her that Tsunade had this expression on her face. She had never really paid attention to that, but she would whenever she felt she could deal with it. And she also understood that she wasn't solely responsible for the behaviour Tsunade had shown this morning.
"I see. But something is definitively going on. She wasn't acting normal." Sakura said.
"Maybe because there was no alcohol. And I don't think that Shizune could ever find all hidden sake Tsunade has in storage. So I assume she choose not to drink for several days now." Kakashi said, his tone joking, but his expression was serious and thoughtful. Sakura knew what he was referring to. Tsunade almost never said 'No.' to a drink, unless the current situation was too serious for her liking and she needed to have a clear head. It was nearly impossible that Tsunade had no hidden sake in her office, but as Kakashi had pointed out, there was none right now. And this was definitively strange. So Sakura assumed, that there was something going on and the tingling sensation running down her spine told her that it wouldn't be anything good.
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Well, end of chapter. I hope you like it. I will have to take my time with updating since I have to do a lot of work for my classes, so I say sorry in advance if updating takes some time.