The dangerous cycle that Jason had started continued on in the same manner for the next few weeks. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Don't take insulin. He had intended on upping his dosage, he really had, but things were complicated. Everyday he would tell himself he was going to take another injection, begin his journey to a healthy amount of shots that would keep him alive.
Everyday he would look at the needle, hands shaking. He always managed the first two, after all he had been taking that much for months now. It was the third injection that Jason struggled with.
After his 500 crunches and final weigh-in of the day, but before he had gotten ready for bed, he would measure out the required dosage of insulin. He'd hold out his finger. And then he wouldn't take it.
I'll do it tomorrow instead.
I still haven't lost all the weight I put on, I can keep going for a few days.
What's one more day in the grand scheme of things?
These were the thoughts that circled around his brain daily. The things that were keeping him from doing the right thing. He knew he should stop what he was doing deep down, he really did, but it was difficult. And he was fine, nothing had really changed so he could keep doing what he was doing.
So what if all his wages were going on new clothes because his old ones were too big. So what if he was tired all the time. So what if his grades were slipping.
Actually, the last one was a big deal. Mock exams were coming up for the year 13's and Jason knew he had to do well to avoid raising suspicion. His mum was already concerned about him, he'd heard her talking to Joe and Freddie the night before.
"You haven't noticed anything... odd about Jason lately have you," Sandy asked in the kitchen, catching said boy's attention from where he was descending the stairs. "He's been awfully quiet recently and I don't think he's fitting in very well,"
"He'll be fine mum," Freddie piped up, and Jason heard Joe mumble in agreement too.
"You haven't noticed him acting strangely these past few weeks then? Most nights he's locked up in his room-"
"Typical teenager stuff," Joe said, sounding amused more than anything. "He's at the age where family is the worst thing and the only thing you want to do is go out partying with your mates,"
"That's the thing though," Sandy sighed, making Jason feel sick with guilt. He hated seeing his mum upset and the fact that he was possibly causing it was awful. She had done so much to help him and his brothers, but all he was doing was causing more grief. "I barely see Robbie because he's out with his friends so often, but when he's not he seems to make effort to be with the rest of us. Jason never leaves his room unless he has to go to school, work or if I've told him so. What if he's not fitting in at the school? I don't think I've heard him mention any friends ever."
Ouch. Jason tried not to be too offended at his mother's words, but it was difficult when even she thought of him as some sort of social reject. So, okay he wasn't going out every night like Robbie, but that didn't mean he was a complete loner.
He was never on his own at school, always sitting with the small, slightly ragtag group of friends he had latched onto at the beginning of the year. Ruby (the one person he was probably closest to) was only with them some lunchtimes however, being good friends with many others in the school. People like Robbie or Holly to name a few.
Sometimes it stung a little, knowing you were so uncool that your own twin would do anything to avoid you during school time. Robbie had made it clear that he wasn't allowed to latch onto him during the first day and Jason had kept his distance, happy to make his own friends. Turns out the people he had become friendly with were the bottom of the social pile. Figures.
He didn't care though, he'd learnt long ago that popularity wasn't everything, and at least the people he ate lunch with didn't care too much when he zoned out randomly. They were nice too, many a time he'd turned to see Holly and a group of her friends laughing in his direction. He was never sure if it was him they were mocking or his friends, but the shame and hurt was still the same.
After all, no-one wanted the girl they were crushing on (and it was becoming slightly pathetic how his feelings for her were becoming stronger when all she did was make fun of him) to view them as a loser. But it was obvious that was how she saw him, though he was surprised she was one of few people who had made the link.
Everyday he was surprised that he had somewhere to sit at lunch, people to partner with in classes, though it was never anymore than that.
It sounded harsh, but he wasn't close to anyone. Once the final bell rang, contact with the small group ceased to exist. They never invited him out, and it wasn't like they stayed in all the time, he'd seen the facebook photos. It made it clear how they viewed him though. They felt sorry for him, the sad pathetic new boy who was nothing like his twin brother, who was the better one in every way; so they let him sit with them at lunch. Talked to him at school if need be, but weren't willing to be with him for longer than necessary.
They could feel like they had contributed to the world. Could tick off their good deed for the day, by letting the freak sit with them. It was probably better that way though, he couldn't get overly close to anyone. It wouldn't hurt so much when they got sick of him and told him to leave them alone.
"Mum, you're panicking." Joe soothed, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Jason's fine, but he's got exams in a few weeks and he's probably just revising for those. You know how he gets about those things."
"I can have a word if you want," Freddie said. "Make sure nothing is bothering him" At this Jason's blood ran slightly cold. He had been avoiding Freddie since that incident a few weeks back when he had found his older brother basically threatening someone over the phone. He had even had bruises on his arm from where Freddie had squeezed him.
It was stupid, but now he felt wary of his brother. If Freddie thought that Jason was going to mention anything about his dodgy dealings to mum, then he was beyond screwed. Maybe he thought he was going to crack and that was why he was going to talk to him. Use it as an excuse to get a private word and threaten him again.
"Would you Freds?" Sandy said, her relief so obvious that Jason could practically hear her smile. Deciding that he'd heard enough of his family talking about him, Jason made his way back up to the stairs. No longer hungry.
Freddie hadn't cornered him yet, but there was still time Jason mused during English, as he stared blankly at the poetry book in front of him, although he hadn't even read the poem yet though he wasn't the only one. They had all been given their exam timetables for the upcoming mocks during registration, and everyone's thoughts were full of possible questions that could pop up in the exam and what would be needed to revise.
Slipping the timetable out of his planner, he focused on the dates, already creating a revision plan in his head. Luckily there were still two weeks till his first exam, meaning he had two whole weeks to focus and get his head back in the game. He needed these good grades if it was the last thing he did.
If he failed? Well the consequences weren't even worth thinking about. There was no way he could hide any results from his mum and he couldn't bear with her disappointment if he did badly. He was the smart one in the family. The one actually going places. He couldn't let them down, not like that. He'd never become a doctor if he got bad results.
Not that he really wanted to be a doctor. It was more the expected thing than a passion for medicine. The whole family saw him going onto be the successful one. The one to go to university and to get a respectable job that paid well. Maybe one day, he'd tell them how he really felt, how he wanted to continue boxing, enter some competitions. Really make a name for himself on the circuit. Today was not that day though.
"So Jason, what do you think the poem expresses to the reader?" Mr McQueen asked, effectively snapping him out of his train of thought.
"Urm," Jason mumbled, trying to think back on the previous few minutes with difficulty.
"Anyone else?" John-Paul asked after a few moments of painful silence, taking pity on the young boy.
A boy at the front of the class answered with ease, whilst Jason tried to calm himself. A few seats across, Robbie shot him a curious look, obviously wondering what was up, though Jason kept his head down and refused to make eye-contact with his brother and John-Paul who was still keeping his attention on him, the concern obvious on his face. Not for him though.
Teachers never actually cared for their students, just for the grades that were being achieved.
If Jason failed this class, then he was bringing the class average down too. Mr McQueen was obviously just worried about this, Robbie had informed him that John-Paul was on his last chance, meaning that anyone failing English wouldn't be taken well by Mr Blake and it would most likely be taken out on Mr McQueen.
"Are you okay?" Ruby asked quietly from beside him when the teacher looked away, writing up some practice questions that he wanted to be tried in preparation for the upcoming exams. "You never zone out in class,"
"M'just tired," Jason murmured softly. "I didn't sleep very well last night and I'm feeling the consequences."
That was a lie and a poor one at that, although he didn't have the energy to care any more. The usual sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that had been present for the past few months had intensified significantly over the past few days. Suppressing a groan, Jason tried to ignore the sharp pain in his abdomen, although he was pretty sure it wasn't that successful when he felt Ruby's hand gently rubbing his shoulder in a soothing motion.
"You've gone really pale," she whispered. "You may need to go to the nurse,"
"I'm fine," Jason snapped, catching the attention of the rest of the class, all of whom turned around to find out what was going on.
"Is there a problem?" Mr McQueen asked, making his way over to their desk.
"Jason needs to go the nurse," Ruby rushed before he could even open his mouth.
"I'm fine," Jason protested, although even he could hear his words slurring together. "I'm just tired."
"Even still, I'd feel a lot better knowing that you're at home resting," Mr McQueen said, his tone bearing no way for arguments, although it wasn't unkind. "Ruby, can you take him to the nurse. Make sure she rings Mrs Roscoe too,"
"Can't I go?" Robbie asked, his tone light, although he kept shooting concerned glances over at Jason who was clutching his stomach in pain.
"And never see you again? I don't think so," John-Paul joked. "I'm surprised I managed to get you here at all, I'm not letting you leave now,"
"Cheeky sir," Robbie laughed.
As the rest of the class laughed, enjoying the friendly banter between teacher and student, Ruby and Jason got up from their seats. The class span around him, the laughter bouncing in his head. It was everywhere. The room wouldn't stay still, no matter how hard he tried.
This wasn't usual dizzy spell, they normally went within a second of standing up. This one was just getting worse. He didn't know if the laughter had stopped yet, in some places it sounded like it had, in others it was almost deafening.
A sharp pain hit his side and he jumped back in shock. The room was still spinning, but everything was becoming dimmer. Even the sounds. Robbie, Ruby and Mr McQueen entered his sight, from above him? How did they get up there.
He vaguely realised he was on the floor. How had he got down there? His arms shook underneath him as he tried to push himself up, and this time he was aware of falling back down again.
The noise was almost deafening again. He could hear Robbie and Mr McQueen, although no idea what they were saying. Couldn't they just be quiet? All he wanted was to sleep. He was so tired.
He closed his eyes, ignoring the two iron grips on his arms and the frantic shaking as the darkness took over. Leaving him with nothing. Nothing but the darkness.
So something's finally happened to Jason because of him abusing his insulin. This is one of the many things that could happen to someone who restricts their insulin and I will obviously go further into it next chapter.
Diabulimia isn't a glamourous disease (like any eating disorder) and does have serious health risks, which will now begin to looked upon more than previously.
Hold on kids, because it's only just beginning.