Chapter Nine "Confession (What's Inside My Head)"

"I confess I'm always afraid, always ashamed
Of what's inside my head
And I can't breath
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge; I don't' know how
I can escape this nightmare."~Red

Steve wished he could sink into the too-thin couch cushions when Ryan turned the question around to him. The boy had just given his life horror story. This fifteen-year-old had enough emotional maturity to share the story of his mother's abandonment and his father's abuse and suicide. Steve didn't think he was that far along, that stable.

He wasn't stable. Thinking it in so many words surprised him because no one would ever describe Steve McGarrett as fragile or broken, as unstable. But he was so unstable. He'd come close to death every day for the last several months. For almost a year, probably.

How was he supposed to explain that when it didn't make sense to him? How was he supposed to tell Ryan who he was inside when he couldn't even tell who he was outside?

"Sam?" Ryan's voice cut through the fog.

Steve looked across the couch at him. "I don't know where to start," Steve admitted.

Ryan shrugged. "Where were you born?" he asked.

Steve could see what he was doing. It worked. "Honolulu," Steve said. "I moved to California when I was 15. I was a lot younger than you then."

Ryan laughed. "Most people are a lot younger than me," he said. "What'd you do after that?"

"I went to the Naval academy," Steve said. "Then to Annapolis. I was in Naval Intelligence for five years and the SEALs for six."

"What happened after that?"

"My parents were murdered," Steve said. "Then... my sister."

"And then?"

"Then I realized that my enemies would never rest until they had killed everyone I loved."

"So... you thought it'd be better if you were dead?" Ryan was sharp. He could see it even though Steve hadn't said so.

"Yeah," Steve said. "There were other reasons. A lot of other reasons, but that's the one that..."

"Pushed you over the edge," Ryan finished.

It seemed as if he understood everything without it having to be explained. The latticework of scars, clearly visible on Steve's arms couldn't have been easily mistaken for anything other than what they were.

"But someone saved you," Ryan stated.

Steve nodded. "The one I was dying for. Doesn't matter. He thinks I'm dead anyway, and he's better for it."

"You think so?" Ryan didn't sound convinced. "I mean, I know, I know, that I am better off without my dad. But he was my dad. He was all I had, awful as that is. And I don't believe for a second that your friend is better without you. I don't believe that he doesn't wonder what he could have done to make you stay."

The force of Ryan's words drove Steve into silence. Everything he could have thought to say died before it formed a complete thought in his mind. He had no response, he couldn't possibly answer that.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said. "I know I don't know all the details, but I know how it felt to see my dad hanging there, and... that never leaves you, you know?"

Steve nodded. "I know," he said hoarsely. "I know, it was just... impossible."

"Yeah." Ryan nodded. "You want some coffee?"

H-5-O

Danny paced. Kono kept typing in information in the computer and coming up with the same results. Chin sat with his forearms resting on the table. Joe stood at the other end of the table with his arms crossed.

Periodically, Danny would stop pacing as if to say something and then resume his march. Kono muttered now and then. Chin wouldn't necessarily sigh, but he would take deep breaths in and out. Joe almost didn't blink.

An hour went by. Then two. It was past time to go home, and they weren't on the case anyway, but they stayed. That face remained on the largest of the computer monitors. The face that claimed to be the dead Sam Martin, that looked like the dead Steve McGarrett.

Finally, Joe moved. "What do we want to do about this?" he asked.

Danny stopped pacing. "We can't let it go," he said.

Chin stood up. "But the governor won't let us investigate anymore," he said.

Kono looked up from the computer. "We are not giving up on this," she said forcefully. "This can't be a coincidence."

"But what is it?" Danny said. "That's what we have to figure out. We don't want to go into this blind."

"But that's what we are," Chin said. "We don't know what's going on here."

"You'd have to be blind not to see that," Kono mumbled.

"Let's not get carried away here," Joe said. "We don't know what we're seeing."

"I know what I'm seeing," Kono argued. "It could have been doctored. It could be some kind of red herring, but it's something. That." Kono pointed to the picture. "We all know what that is."

"We all know we're not going to stop looking into this," Danny said. "But we won't get any help from the governor."

Chin's phone rang, and he hurriedly answered it. After a brief conversation, he hung up and turned to the others. "That was Kahului PD," he said. "They just found another body."

Danny looked between the members of his task force. He knew what he wanted to do, but he was trying to formulate his plan.

"Okay," he said. "Kono, you and Joe figure out what's going on with this Sam Martin impersonator. Find out where he lives, anything you can. We'll go back to Kahului... We'll figure it out."

H-5-O

Steve fell asleep on Ryan's couch. When he woke up in the morning, Ryan had already left for work, but the coffeepot was on. Steve almost smiled. After some coffee and making sure Ryan's apartment was locked, Steve remembered the job he had to do this morning. He was getting so close. He had the location of one of Wo Fat's key operatives, and he would be sending a message through him today.

Stopping by his place to get his gun and change into a fresh shirt, Steve ignored the knife on the counter still caked with dried blood.

It was a sunny day, but not too warm, and the walk almost felt good. Steve wasn't sure what good was, but this was pretty damn close. Maybe it was the anticipation of the completion of his mission. That always made Steve feel a little high back in the day.

He didn't get off on hurting people, on killing them. It actually made him feel a little sick. What he did love was justice, was the sense of accomplishment. The conflicting feelings resulted in a sense of disconcert at the end. But the anticipation was good.

Steve arrived at the shipping docks where he'd traced some of Wo Fat's dealings on the island. One of his top guys was running the show from here. He was responsible for all of Wo Fat's operations on Maui.

Steve sneaked his way in. People mostly ignored him anyway, which he relished. The illusion of invisibility added to the illusion of power. He needed that to finish this. He had to believe he was capable. That didn't used to be an issue.

The man Steve was looking for was a roundish Chinese-Hawaiian. At the moment, he was supervising the unloading of what Steve assumed were crates of drugs or weapons. They said they were canned fish. Steve briefly wondered what Ryan would think of that.

Waiting against the wall of a warehouse right across from the loading dock, Steve watched his mark. The man looked to docile, too stupid to be the right had of a vicious crime boss. Steve knew better than to judge on that appearance.

Once the unloading was done, the man started walking back toward his office. He had to pass through two warehouse buildings in a narrow, alleyway. That was where Steve caught up to him.

"Mr. Sung?" he said.

The man turned around. "Yes?" he asked, looking confused. "Do I know you."

Steve didn't answer, but closed the distance between himself and Sung and pushed the man against the wall of one of the buildings. Then he pulled out his gun.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" Sung said.

"Sending a message," Steve said.

"You've got the wrong guy," Sung insisted, sweat breaking out on his forehead.

But Steve saw the way his hand started reaching for a hidden gun. Steve pressed his gun into Sung's neck.

"Don't even think about it," he said, in a low voice. "I'm not going to kill you."

"You're not?" Sung was genuinely surprised.

Steve smirked. "No. I need you to take the message this time. Tell your boss if he wants it to stop he'd better come to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sung said. "Really, I don't."

"Really? Then maybe I should just kill you too, like those eight other people. Weren't some of them your guys? You wanna end up like them?"

"Okay, okay. I'll do what you want."

"Good." Steve took a step back, keeping his gun on Sung. "You have a knife?" he asked.

"What?"

"Something sharp. Come on."

"Okay, sure. In my back pocket."

Steve reached for it and then handed it to Sung. "Don't cut too deep," he said. "I need you to tell Wo Fat what I said. Tell him Sam is waiting for him."

H-5-O

Danny and Chin ended up staying overnight in Kahului. The KPD was very accommodating, but they're coffee tasted like motor oil. Danny would take it. They'd gone over and over the new evidence with this new body. Their suspect had left more this time, though it seemed more like a message to Wo Fat than to the police.

This body had been tortured more than the others, and instead of being shot, his wrists had been cut. The evenness of the cuts was too much for the victim to have done it to himself. And there was a written message. The penmanship was like that of a six year old, and the scrap of paper said: I'm not done, Sam.

Kono and Joe had been working on handwriting analysis since they'd received it late the night before. It looked like this "Sam" had intentionally made the writing bad to avoid detection. That didn't stop them from trying.

Chin came into the temporary room KPD had provided for Five-0. Danny was resting against the table, downing his coffee like he enjoyed it.

"Kono just texted me a possible address for our guy," Chin said.

"You mean the deceased Sam Martin?" Danny asked.

"Yeah. It could just be a decoy, but we should check it out."

"All right, let's get over there."

"We've got three fresh officers ready to head out with us."

"Good, hopefully someone who knows where were going."

Danny and Chin rode across town with their local backup. Danny might have been fine with just the two of them going, but that seemed too much like Steve. He was trying not to be like Steve just because he missed him. It would have been nice to remember him that way, but it would have been a projection, not real, and Danny could very well have lost himself in the act.

So, he stayed the same. Or tried to.

The apartment building was almost worse looking that the one Danny had lived in when he first moved to Hawaii. They positioned their backup around the building and went in. Sam Martin lived on the first floor right next to a vacant apartment.

Chin knocked on the door. There was no answer. He and Danny exchanged looks.

"Police, open up," Danny said.

Still nothing.

Danny nodded at Chin, and he turned his back to the door and kicked it open easily. The two of them went in, covering each other, but there was no one there. The apartment was hardly furnished except a table, chair, and bed. The living room was empty except for a surfboard. The bedroom was more interesting since the closet was full of guns and surveillance equipment.

Danny called the other officers in to process everything. Back in the kitchen, Chin found something. A bloody knife.

"You think this is what he used on the last victim?" he asked.

Danny looked more closely at it. "the blade seems to small," he said. "But get it back to the lab and find out whose blood that is."

Chin nodded and bagged the knife. "Danny look," he pointed at the table.

Underneath some newspapers was a cell phone. Danny snatched it up and looked in the contacts. There was one number, and he recognized it: Governor Sam Denning.