"Jim, what is it?" Although he would never openly admit it Spock was becoming increasingly concerned by Kirk's clearly growing fear stemming from whatever it was he was too terrified to talk about. He had seen Kirk afraid before but never like this . Whatever he was so terrified about speaking of was something deep within him. For a moment Spock paused and reflected on the many times he had mind melded with Jim Kirk and he could recall nothing that should, or possibly could, so terrorize him. As he studied the face of his friend he saw how he was fighting whatever was causing him such fear, he could see his friend wanted to tell him yet . . Cautiously he reached out with his hand and mind ready to ease Jim's mind, "If I may,"

As though he had been stung Jim all but lept away, holding up both his hands and backing away till his back was against the wall. "No, Spock! You would see that part of me, be thoroughly disgusted, and want nothing to do with me ever again. I am even disgusted with myself. I want you to know but I'm, I'm," Kirk hugged himself, bowed his head and started to rock on his feet as though struggling to come to term with something he was totally torn by, "I'm. I'm, I'm ,", for just three point nine seconds Kirk closed his eyes and Spock reached out, placing his hand at the appropriate juncture of Kirk's neck and caught him as he slipped into a light sleep, placing him on the bed and sitting beside him watching his restless movements even in sleep.

For Jim not to want him to meld with him and for him to be so restive even in sleep let Spock know something was greatly troubling him. Systematically Spock went over the recent events and could find nothing that could have made Jim Kirk change so much, say and do the things he had. It was as though something serious had happened to Kirk in his absence and yet he had not found nor been informed of any such event.

No. No, Warren Ronat had said that Jim was very Human and had been insane with worry and that relief is insane. He sat looking as Kirk still twitched in his sleep and repeatedly muttered "Spock, no, I'm sorry, stay.". Some of the recent events seemed more logical now as Jim would have been worried about him and the relief from his rescue could have resulted in Jim's uncharacteristic actions. He would have to ask Jim if that hypothesis was correct. What he still did not fully understand was why Jim would feel it necessary to lie to him, to not be totally honest, and to hide things from him. Perhaps the reason for those actions was what Jim was afraid to talk about although he could think of no reason for such actions by Jim. Despite being as emotional a Human as he was Jim had always been willing to explain himself and his actions and emotions to him. Above all else was the fact that Jim had always been honest with him. This was most unusual.

For a moment he paused. The thought that there was also a possibility that his own reactions had caused Jim to act as he had flickered for a moment yet he was certain that his actions had been logical and consistent: and knew that Jim had started being deceptive from when he had woken in his own quarters and asked how. Even Doctor McCoy had been unable to enlighten him as the report he had given of the events was like Jim's.

"That was not exactly fair, Spock." Jim's voice was just above a whisper as he lay looking up at Spock.

"You were becoming overly emotional and almost incoherent because of your inner conflict. Do you feel that you can now tell me what the trouble is, Jim?"

Slowly Kirk got up and paced in the small space as he felt the war inside him was still raging. He dragged his hands through is hair and was not sure what he was going to do till he turned and saw that look on Spock's face, the look of patient understanding and acceptance he had always found there. For a moment he closed his eyes and prayed to the gods that he would see that look after he had told Spock the truth, the whole truth.

"Knowing you were on that planet, that you were being held as you were, and not being able to do anything about it started to rip me apart. My mood was not helped by being informed there was a missing officer and I was going to make an example out of him. I was thinking of just what I would do to him when we were contacted by the Security Chief of the planet, the man guarded the building you were in, saying we should go down and see if we had a chance to look for you and Bones said it looked like we had found our missing officer and he seemed to realize who it was before I did. We got down there and I saw five of the titans sitting on the floor watching, watching, watching," in his mind he saw the blood dripping from Ronat's nose, some blood by his ears, blood and saliva coming out of his mouth, and those predatory eyes." He paused as he again saw the scene in his mind.

A hand lightly touched his shoulder, "Warren Ronat?"

Kirk nodded, "At first I did not recognize him. I do not think he was aware of us there at that time from how he was watching the man he was fighting. Before he fought the Security Chief the man asked him if he wanted to leave, that he could if he wanted but it would be without you. Ronat had a moment of awareness and said, he had to fight for you, protect you, serve you as you were his, his, his."

"Do not distress yourself, Jim, I did a mind touch with him and know what he said." when Kirk looked at Spock sure that he would have found out more but Spock shook his head, "I only touched his mind, Jim. I did not garner any information about the fights but I did know he was not aware of you and McCoy being there till after. It was just a touch to reassure him I was there and he was safe and," Spock allowed him to see the hint of a smile, "briefly my Human side sprang forth, I wanted to know if he remembered me, that his brain damage was not too severe."

"And he remembered you?"

"Yes, his mind was not severely damaged. Clearly he won the fight."

"He did and he made a few demands, like the destruction of all evidence of you having been there and telling me to take care of you. We got you back and into your quarters."

"I assume that was your idea as I cannot see Doctor McCoy not wanting me closer. Was a there any other reason for such a decision?"

"It was largely McCoy's idea. He believed that if Ronat was not told about your condition for some time Ronat would hold on, recover a bit more, waiting to find out how you were. McCoy already had his discharge papers ready and was looking for a good facility for him to go to as he was sure there had to be severe brain damage."

"McCoy would be thorough about where he would have gone." Spock looked at Kirk hearing a slight change in his voice. "When did you decide to hide the truth about his condition from me? You did give me a very vague answer when I originally asked how you were able to get me free. Was it then you decided not to tell me about Warren Ronat being involved and the extent of his injuries?"

For an instant Kirk thought of words to avoid the truth but he knew he owed Spock the truth, the truth he had been avoiding. "I, I did not set out to hide the truth. It started with my wanting you to fully recover first and I was going to tell you but after I saw him, after I heard what you thought of him, after knowing what had been done to him to save you, I just thought it best that you concentrate on recovering."

"And you did not correct me when I assumed he was looking after the Science Department."

"I told myself it was to ensure you rested."

A look of sad understanding seemed to claim Spock's face, "You did not want me to know how badly injured he was saving me to start with but you could have told me later. I did hear part of your conversation with McCoy in which you said that you saw Ronay just as a way of saving me. You later said that he was immaterial, even after all he had done to save me you called him immaterial because he was not who you went for. Did you not realize that without him doing what he did you would not have been able to look for me?"

"That's just it, Spock. I see him and I see what he did, what I should have done."

"Jim, you could not,"

"No!" Kirk closed his eyes and rubbed his brows with the palms of his hands then looked at Spock, "I should have. You are my closest friend and I did nothing to save you. I look at him and I feel so deeply ashamed not only for that but also for how I was feeling when I watched him get into that state, how all I cared about was him lasting long enough to get us the search for you. I saw how battered he was, I saw how he had not real awareness of anything but that man he had to fight, and all I could think of what he had to get us that search. Since we got him back I have only gone to his bed when you and I helped Bones take care of him. I have let Bones tell me how he is. I should have been the one to get you. I should have broken as many rules as he did."

"Jim, from what McCoy has told me you would not have lasted against his opponent. Also, had you attempted to fight them and return, with or without me, you would have suffered for nothing and lost your career as it was a neutral planet and you would have engaged in a non-regulation event as fighting the locals in such a manner is against the regulations." Spock looked at him in silence for a moment, "Your signing him off the ship is not so much for his benefit as to remove him from your sight, am I correct?"

"I did it as it is the best for him."

Spock had heard it that slight change in Kirk's breathing as well as his pitch, he was still afraid to tell him the real reason he was so afraid. Kirk was even trying to deflect rather than confront. "You did that, signed him off the ship, knowing that I would not abandon him? I did inform you of my intention to leave should he leave the ship."

"I know that, Spock. I, I just did not believe you would leave the ship, would leave me like that until I heard Command had granted you the leave to be with Ronat that I believed it."

That was it, Spock saw the look about Jim and knew this was the moment to say it, to get him to say what the real problem was. "It sounds as though we had different ideas about one another. Just as you could not imagine I would leave the ship and you, I had thought you would always be honest with me. It does appear we are both wrong."

Spock kept looking at Kirk, knowing that what he was about to say had to be said as it was the only way to free his friend from the torment he was in. "It also appears that what we both thought was a friendship was nothing more than two senior officers on the same ship for a five year mission. What we have now is a basic working relationship but nothing else for nothing as real as the friendship we had only imagined can not exist if there is any form of deception involved." As he watched he saw he words have the effect he had hoped they would as Kirk was biting his bottom lip and shaking his head. Slowly he started for the door, "I will take my leave of you for now as clearly you are still unwilling to be honest with me."

Kirk saw Spock head for the door and suddenly reached out and grabbed him, turning him so they were face to face. All the emotions he had held in check for so long broke free and the words came he had tried to silence forever came out with the emotion, "HOW, how, Spock? How can I possibly be honest with you when I haven't been honest with myself?"

As Spock looked at his friend he saw, about his face, a visualization of the very raw emotions he was only just able to shield himself from when Jim had grabbed him and he just stood still as he knew his friend was going to, at last, be honest with him, and obviously himself, about what was troubling him so much.