Chapter Ten: Something Like Normal

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. He could feel though.

He felt the salt burning his eyes and his lungs. He felt a hand shoving him under. More overwhelming than even that, he felt the fear that left him frozen there. He couldn't move. Couldn't fight. He couldn't recall a time in his life when he couldn't fight. He had always been a survivor, even in the least likely of circumstances. He'd always managed to come out of it alive, even if not entirely intact.

Finally the hand dragged him up and he coughed and sputtered, still unable to drag the air into his lungs. A figure stood over him, smirking down at him, but slowly morphed into two and he found Scottie and Howard staring down on him. They reached out and shoved him back under.

Then he fought and struggled, but as he broke the surface of the water his eyes focused on an entirely different face. It wasn't Scottie or Howard or even the shadowy man from the beginning. Liz's eyes were wide, startled, and it took Tom half a beat to realize that he was in his own bed and had ahold of her wrist like he was ready to fight back.

He released her immediately. "I'm so sorry," he managed. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No. It's okay."

"No it's not." He reached to her wrist, touching it carefully and making sure he hadn't bruised her. He brought it to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. "I'm so sorry."

Liz pulled away so that she could touch the side of his face, guiding him to meet her gaze. "I usually know better than to startle you out of a nightmare," she murmured. "I'm fine. How about you?"

Tom loosed a shaky breath, sitting back in their bed. He'd gotten in late the night before and had found Liz waiting up for him. She'd wanted him to talk, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to say anything about it. So she'd held onto him, anchored him, and they must have fallen asleep like that. From the looks of it, the sun was just barely peeking over the horizon outside. "I don't know," he said after a long moment.

She let her hand drop, finding his, and their fingers wrapped around each other. "Talk to me?" she begged softly.

Tom closed his eyes, recalling the water and the hands and he coughed, almost like he expected water to be in his lungs. "I have one memory from before Frank and Eva. I don't even know for sure it's a memory. It's a dream I had as a kid and this is the first time in...years, I guess, that it's come back."

"What happened?"

"It changes a little every time, but this time I started under the water. When I came up, there was…. I don't know who he is. Was. I've never been able to make out his face, but he was trying to drown me."

"Same man every time?"

"Nearly. He… changed this time. Into Scottie and Howard."

He watched Liz close her eyes and shifted closer. He leaned into her, feeling just a little safer, a little more grounded with the closeness.

"I read the files after you left," she said quietly. "It's no wonder you feel betrayed, even scared. That's normal, honey."

Tom hummed softly. "I know I don't have the longest history of normal, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing normal about all of this."

She gave him a strained smile and kissed his cheek. "You don't have to do it alone."

"I know."

"How'd it go with Howard last night?"

She hadn't made him tell her the night before, but it looked like his reprieve was over. He supposed that was fair, considering the violent reaction he'd had to the nightmare. He always coaxed her through hers, and now she was trying to do the same. "I'm done," he said at last. "You and Agnes are the only family I need."

"Tom," she whispered, his name leaving her lips with more pain than he would have preferred.

"He used me, Liz. He…. He came into my life for the sole purpose of using me to put Scottie behind bars and taking his company back. I don't mean anything more to him than that."

"I didn't see anything in those files to prove that was the only reason he came back, Tom."

He pulled back just a little from her, but she didn't let go of his hand. "What I saw," she said calmly, "was that your mother was and possibly still is a deep cover operative for an unknown employer. Everything Howard's PI found on her looks like she married him as a mark. Look at me?" She waited until he did. "I love you, but you and I both know how badly I took it after two years of marriage. Thirty? You wouldn't be alive right now."

Her tone was lighter than the words and he snorted, his thumb moving over the back of her hand. "I love you, Liz. I loved you before I married you."

"I know that now. I didn't then, and it was the not knowing that took us down… a really dark path, if you remember."

Tom winced a little at the thought. "I didn't help with that."

"No you didn't," his wife answered and leaned into him, her shoulder bumping his. "I don't know if your mother ever loved your father. I've never met the woman. That's not even the point right now. My point is that people that are hurt by the people they love most do irrational and sometimes dangerous things. Things that they never would have done otherwise. I'm not saying what Howard did was right by any stretch. It was… twisted and terrible and put you in a place you should never have had to be in, but…. Just because he was acting out of hurt doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

"He's known where I was, Liz. He waited until I was useful to come back. I think that says enough."

He heard her loose a breath and she nodded, leaning into him. "Okay."

"Okay?"

A soft laugh escaped her. "We already agreed on just how stubborn you are." She caught his gaze. "And you'll think about it."

"Will I?"

"Yep."

Despite himself, a small smile tugged at him. "And why's that?"

"Because I know you, Tom Keen. You need time to work through how you feel on things. I'm not asking you to go back and talk to him now or tomorrow or even the next day. All I want is for you to take what I said and add it to what you're considering when you make your next move, because kind of like with Reddington, even if we say we cut ties, this is family. There's no running from this, babe."

He couldn't argue that, as much as he wanted to. Running from this would require him to disappear and to take on some new identity. A few years ago, he could have and would have done that without thinking twice about it. Now, though, the thought of leaving without Liz and Agnes left him feeling worse than being used by Howard. "I know."

"You going to be okay today?"

"Yeah. We, uh, still doing the dinner thing with Samar and Aram tonight?"

Liz blinked and Tom saw all the signs that it had completely slipped her mind. "I forgot to call the restaurant."

"Good thing I already did yesterday," he answered with a smirk and Liz broke out into a grin. "Go get ready for work. I'm fine. Really."

She hesitated a moment before leaning in and kissing him. He felt a sense of peace help to push back the anxiety. It wasn't fixed yet. It wouldn't be for a while, but he wouldn't have to tackle this alone. As long as he and Liz faced it down together, they'd be okay.

The original plan had been to meet at a restaurant, but the day had felt like it might never end with one lead after another falling through as they chased Reddington's ghost forger. By the time that the Task Force had wrapped up for the day there was no way they were going to make it, so the location had changed last second to Aram's apartment.

He answered the front door in an apron as if it were the most natural thing in the world and Liz managed to bite back the laugh in favour of the amused smile she gave him. "Hey guys. Glad you made it," he greeted, stepping back to let them in.

"Glad this worked out," Tom answered and held up the bag they had brought the drinks in. "Promise we don't come empty handed. You're a ginger beer guy, right?"

"Yeah. How'd you know that?" Aram asked, looking over to Liz who shrugged.

Tom flashed him a grin and moved to set the bag down on the table.

It had been a while since Liz had been in the apartment and things looked different. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but there was something a little strange. It smelled faintly of pot, like Aram had tried to cover it up and air it out, but it was an ongoing process. The whole place looked like it had recently been scrubbed down like a cleaner had gotten ahold of it, and Liz couldn't help but think it had to do with Janet. She hadn't pried too badly, but she knew that Aram had given her a second chance and that she'd been the one to sell him out to Gale's grand jury. Liz was the last person to judge on second chances, but she also knew how badly it stung when they didn't pan out in the best way. She and Tom had fought hard for theirs, but it had been a mutual effort that had rebuilt the trust. If Janet hadn't been willing to put that effort in for Aram, a cleanse might not be the worst thing to push past everything that had happened and move on.

"Oh hey! You got here faster than you thought," Aram greeted, pulling Liz out of her thoughts. She turned to see Samar at the door, looking as tired as the rest of them. Aram's face stretched into one of the goofiest grins she'd ever seen. "You look… amazing."

Samar managed a small laugh. "I look like I've been chasing an illusive forger all day and that I barely had time to change into clothes that didn't have blood on them," she managed, but Aram just kept on grinning and she shook her head, her own smile creeping into place slowly.

"Sounds like you guys have had a hell of a day," Tom said from where he was pulling the wine and the ginger beer out of the bag at the table.

"So," Aram cut in before shoptalk took over, "I've got about half the mix for the enchiladas put together."

"You don't cook, do you, Liz?" Samar asked and she turned to look at her.

"Uh…. Not unless it's pasta or one of those frozen meals you just stick in the oven and it it cooks itself." She caught the amused expression on her husband's face.

"Is that what you think it does? That could explain a lot."

She swatted at him and his grin only grew.

"I'm not following," Samar said, head tilted just a little to the side.

"Tom's just bringing up an incident from a long time ago."

"She nearly lit her apartment on fire when we first started dating."

"Oh, is that the story you told at the funeral?" Aram asked.

Liz resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "No, this was a different time."

"You've nearly set the kitchen on fire more than once?" Samar asked, and Liz couldn't tell if she was amused or worried. Aram just looked worried.

"I have gotten better," Liz huffed.

"The noodles were pretty good," Tom admitted.

"See?"

"Yeah, my oven's kind of finicky anyway, so maybe I should just-"

"I'll give you a hand."

Aram gave him a look like he was about to argue, but then stopped and shrugged. The guys started back to the kitchen and Samar was moving towards a cabinet. "This one?" she asked.

"The one just to the left," Aram instructed and she opened the doors to pull out a couple of wine glasses and a corkscrew.

Liz quirked an eyebrow as she watched the other woman open up the bottle and pour the wine into the glasses, handing her one when it was done and walking past her to the couch. Liz followed, a brief glance to see Tom and Aram had already found something to chat about. "Do you not cook either?" she asked as she joined her partner on the couch.

Samar shrugged. "I can, but Aram enjoys it. I take it you haven't had a chance to speak to Tom about Fischer?"

"No, not really. We've barely had a moment to breathe lately."

"I thought maybe he could check with his Halcyon contacts to see if anyone knew of him."

"That's…. complicated right now," Liz murmured, glancing back to see Tom finally relaxing as he and Aram rattled on on what sounded like gadgets used in Bond films. Nope. She wasn't touching that one. "What about your Mossad contacts? Has Levi gotten back to you?"

"Not yet," Samar answered. "We left things in a strange place."

Liz tilted her head, picking up on the undertones. "He knows about Aram?"

"Not by name."

Liz risked a glance back, curiosity getting the better of her. "How's all of that going?"

"All of that?" Samar echoed, sipping at her wine.

"Tom seemed to think that you guys getting together was a long time coming, but you've been at each other's throats so much lately."

"I think we have a long way to get to yours and Tom's level of at each other's throats," the taller woman pointed out, her tone pointed. It took a moment, but she must have realized how it came across. "Sorry. That was-"

"True," Liz answered and took a long sip of her own drink. "Tom and I took things to a whole different level when we hurt each other. I'm not proud of that, but it doesn't make it untrue."

"Aram and I did our own fair share of damage," Samar said softly. "I...I'm not even sure I know what this is, to be honest."

"Have you not talked about it?" She would have pictured Aram as the type of man that would want to discuss every step of a relationship.

Samar stared at the burgundy liquid in her glass, pulling in a deep breath and let her eyes slip closed. "When would we have?"

Liz made a small sound of acknowledgement. Silence stretched between them for a long moment. She let it, considering the woman next to her. Samar was driven and intelligent and passionate, the type of person that once she made her mind up went for a goal fullforce, and as she sat there considering the tension between her two teammates recently, it all made a little more sense that perhaps Samar had finally taken a step only to find Janet back in Aram's life. Liz knew pieces of her past and none of it struck her as something that would have made it easy for the other woman to trust, and being burned like that wouldn't have helped matters. "Trust doesn't come easy for people like us," she said slowly, her gaze drifting over to Samar to watch for a reaction or a sign that she'd crossed a line, "especially when you put yourself on the line."

"I don't want to hurt him," she confessed.

"Or get hurt." Samar startled at the statement and Liz gave her a small smile. "It's okay to admit that."

"After everything, do you trust Tom?"

The question was serious, expecting an honest answer in return. "Yes. It took a long time and a lot of work from both of us, but I trust him. It takes both people putting themselves out there, but someone has to take that first step."

Samar nodded slowly, not answering right away, but instead she sipped on her wine. "I haven't wanted something this simple and this… complicated in a long time."

"It's worth it," Liz told her after a long moment. "That gut-wrenching fear that comes with opening up after you've been hurt. If it's the right person, it's worth it."

"He is."

Liz made a small sound of acknowledgement and sipped on her wine, watching Samar from the corner of her eye. The other woman's expression was still guarded, still hesitant, but if Liz didn't know better, she'd say it was happy too. They all deserved a little happiness after everything they'd been through.

Tom was hit and miss on pop culture - more miss than hit, if you asked his wife - but when he knew something he tended to know it through and through. Aram could carry a conversation all by himself if he'd needed to, but it'd been nice for Tom to get a chance to relax and talk about something other than work or the implosion that had become the situation with Scottie and Howard.

It carried over into dinner, with Liz shaking her head and Aram reminding her about Doctor Who that was, apparently, still saved at the Post Office and ready to be watched during any down time that they might find themselves with someday. Tom found himself grinning at the way Liz struggled to look interested as Aram listed out all the reasons why she'd love it. The conversation carried on, shifting around different topics as they ate. It was strange - the good kind, he thought - how easy it was.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Aram said excitedly, his focus zeroed in on Tom. "I was doing some research online and came across a paper your dad published. It was on ethics and technology and where we're going. The paper was fifteen or so years old, but he called so much almost perfectly. I mean, it was kind of like he had a window into how things were going to play out. It's so cool."

And just like that Tom felt his good mood plummet, but Aram didn't seem to notice.

"The man must be a genius. He had a whole section on ethical hacking and the spy state and responsible use. I wish I'd read it before Agnes' birthday party and I could have asked him about it. It was… How was it working with him? Absolutely amazing, right?"

"He's a piece of work," Tom acknowledged tightly.

"Did something happen?" The question was entirely innocent, Aram's expression even a little worried over the snappy response and Tom closed his eyes briefly, pulling in a breath to help steady himself.

He glanced over to Liz, unsure how much she expected him to share with her team. Strange as it was, they were his friends too, in a way, and part of him wanted to trust them with it, but he wasn't ready to dive into the full chaos right then. "Some new information came up. It's just kind of a mess right now."

Aram gave him a look with more pity in it than Tom cared for. "What happened?"

"Something I should have seen coming a mile away," he answered, a little more sharply than he meant to.

"So, has Agnes taken those first steps yet?" Samar asked, effectively changing the subject and Tom shot her a grateful look.

"Almost," Liz answered, her expression brightening. "She's pulled herself up, but she's still toddling over before she can get that first step in."

"She was doing that at the birthday."

Liz grinned and shot look over at Tom as she spoke. "I think the real thing is that she knows her daddy will carry her wherever she wants to go no questions asked."

Tom shrugged. "She missed me."

The conversation moved away from Howard Hargrave and eased into more neutral topics, allowing Tom to at least shift into a mask of ease. The weight remained, though, Aram's comments about his father's paper that he'd published years before sticking with him. When Scottie had been trying to escape Halcyon Tom had heard her try to remind Howard about a speech he'd made on the subject of Quantum Computing and the ethics of it. She'd seemed to believe - or at least want anyone that was listening to believe - that Howard had taken a stand against it, and there was Aram, talking about a piece that he'd found that Howard had written on ethics.

Maybe Liz had been right and he didn't know everything there was to know about why Howard did what he did. Maybe the pain of finding out Scottie had lied to him had broken him in a dangerous way. He wasn't sure yet, but he needed to be. He couldn't risk making a wrong move again. Too much was on the line.

Notes: I know a couple of people that knew this chapter was coming have been looking forward to it, so I hope it hit the mark! It was definitely one of those chapters that I thought was going to be easier to write than it turned out to be.

And meep! It looks like I've gained a couple of new readers that have been leaving reviews. Thanks guys! All of you that leave reviews make my day each and every time, I hope you know that. I grin like a loon, usually when I get an alert at work that a new email has come in. I'm sure my boss thinks I'm crazy, but that's okay. You guys are the best!

Next time - Nez and Solomon try to figure out where they stand, Tom reaches out to Scottie, and the Keens make plans on where to go next.