It took Puck a week, seven full days, before he was completely crawling out of his skin.
On the outside, it looked like nothing had changed. He still worked perfectly in sync with Finn to get things done. They worked alongside each other to help enroll Jack in the right school, get Gracie signed up for a play group, find Finn a new car, unpack the house and meet with the various vendors they needed before California started to feel like home. They ran errands together, shopped together, ate dinner together and more often than not, fell asleep together. However, they never touched or kissed. Finn still insisted that they had to have the conversation first.
Two days into living with the Hudsons full time, Puck had realized that he had to do something about the nightmares first. He wanted to be a strong role model for Gracie and Jack, and that meant being sure that his head was in the right place. They were less frequent on the nights when Finn was around, but they were still enough to keep Puck staring at the ceiling for hours long after the sun had slipped from the sky. He had made a few calls to some guys he knew back at the base and got a couple names. He had finally settled on a local woman who specialized in PTSD with recent war veterans.
He went to two sessions before he brought up to Finn one night after the kids were in bed. The two of them were sitting quietly on the back deck, opened beers in hand, just listening to the sounds of the neighborhood as it shut down for the night. Finn was squinting up at the stars and Puck wondered briefly if he was looking for the stupid star he'd bought for Rachel back in high school. He never had the heart to tell his friend that was nothing more than a scam. Besides, he kind of liked watching Finn stargaze like that.
"So I'm seeing someone," Puck said finally, his voice barely audible. Finn turned to him immediately, eyes wide, and Puck realized what that sounded like. "No, no, nothing like that. I meant a therapist. I'm seeing a therapist."
It was something that they had talked about before, something that Finn had hoped that Puck would actually do. However, he knew that he couldn't push the issue because Finn was just becoming comfortable with talking to other people himself. It was true that Puck had been the one to push Finn toward professional help earlier, but the fact that the other man was seeking help made Finn's heart flutter. He knew that he and his family were a big reason for that. Puck was serious about a future with the Hudson family, whatever that was staring to look like.
Turning slightly in his wrought iron chair so that he could look at Puck straight on, he allowed a lazy but content smile to cross over his features. "That's great, man," he told him genuinely. "What's he like? Or she?"
"She's pretty good, just sort of lets me talk for a while without asking too many questions," he tried to explain. "I told her about the nightmares. She thinks she might be able to hope with that; I hope so. I just don't want to scare the kids one night if Gracie happens to come in and I'm in the middle of one of them. It wasn't as big of a deal when I was by myself but I'm not anymore. I have to start thinking of stuff like that."
"What else do you talk about?"
Puck heard Finn's unspoken question. He wanted to know if Puck was talking to the therapist about them. He smiled a little before shaking his head. There were some things he still wanted to keep private. Eventually, he was sure that he would tell her all about his family. He'd talk about Beth and Quinn and Finn and probably even Rachel. For now, he wanted to keep this thing with Finn for himself. He wasn't ashamed, just excited and probably a little scared.
"Mostly just the war stuff, things I saw and had to do," he answered. "There will be time for more later, but I need to work through this first. Besides, I have help with the other stuff, you know? That's what you're for."
"Yeah?" he asked rhetorically. His face lit up when Puck nodded in agreement. "I like that, that you can still take that kind of stuff to me. I know that it's been weird this week but I just needed to make sure that the kids were adjusting. They seem to like it, right? I worry that I'm so busy that I'm not noticing the little things. Gracie has been sleeping through the night again and Jack's pretty happy."
"Dude, they live in a place where the weather is perfect pretty much every day and they can get to the beach or the mountains within an hour. I think they're two of the happiest kids in the world," Puck reassured him. "They're doing great, Finn. So are you, you're doing a good job."
Finn scooted his chair a little bit closer to Finn's so that their knees were touching. It wasn't much, but he just needed to feel him. "Do you think…maybe we should talk now?"
Puck got up and emptied the rest of his beer in the outdoor sink just off the patio. "If we're going to do this, I want to do it sober and with a clear head," he said before he tossed the empty can into the recycling bin. "Why do I suddenly feel like this is the most important conversation I'm ever going to have?"
"Because it is," Finn replied honestly. Even with all the incredibly important conversations he'd ever had with Rachel when she was alive, none of them had ever mattered as much as this one. He had so much invested in this already. The three lives that mattered most to him in the world were riding on it. "I just want you to know that there's no pressure. Whatever you decide, I'm going to be okay with it. I just need for you to be honest and open with me."
He took a deep breath before he sat back down beside Finn. He reached over and drew Finn's larger hand into his. "Dude, you know that I suck with words. In fact, I pretty much suck at all the emotional crap," he admitted, "but you make me want to try in a way that I haven't wanted to in a really, really long time. And I know that this is weird, you have to know I never could have thought that I'd want it, but I do. I want to be with you, try to make this work, to have you guys as my family. Like forever, not just a year, but for as long as you guys will have me."
For a guy who wasn't good with words, what Puck had said had been pretty much perfect. "I need this to work, Puck," he told him insistently. "If it was just me, you know I'd just jump in with both feet and hope that it worked out. But it's not just me; I have to think about the kids. They just lost their mom and it's still so fast. I'm still not all the way over Rachel and I can't even imagine how confusing this must be for them."
"First of all, you're never going to be all the way over Rachel and I am okay with that. She was a great love in your life and the mother of your children. No matter how much time has passed, I'm always going to love Quinn for that reason alone. You didn't choose to let go Rachel; that's just the hand life dealt to you. I know exactly why I am getting this chance. Don't think I expect you to be over her."
"There you go again," Finn chuckled. "Saying something perfect again."
Puck blushed cutely under Finn's happy gaze. "And second, your kids are the first thing I'm thinking about here too," he promised. "Finn, you have to know that I wouldn't chance them for anything. I wouldn't do this if I didn't think we have the best chance possible to work. I'm not saying that I won't mess up; we both know that I'll probably be a total disaster at some point. But I'm always going to stay, for them and for you, and I hope that outweighs any of the mistakes I might make in the end."
Finn squeezed Puck's hand. "I don't know what they would do if they lost you too," he confessed, the slightest hint of fear evident in his voice. "I guess I don't know what I would do if I lost you."
"Will never happen again," Puck pledged. He had left his friend behind once before and other than giving up Beth, it was probably the hardest thing he'd ever done. "I'm not going anywhere, man, I promise. Even if you and I don't work out for some reason, you're still going to be my best friend. I am always going to be there for your kids. I am going to protect them and support them and love them just like they are my own. The only thing I need to hear from you is that is what you want too. I need to know that you want to try this. God, Finn, I just need to hear that you want to be with me."
Out of all the conversations Finn Hudson ever thought that he would have with Noah Puckerman in his life, this was probably one of the last ones. However, as he looked up into those hazel eyes that he had known (and missed) for so long, he also knew that his entire life had been leading up to that moment. Beth and Quinn, losing Rachel, running away to the Army, living in New York – all of the decisions they had both made had brought them here to this confusing, crazy, wonderful place.
"I want to be with you."
"Thank God," Finn heard Puck breathe out before he covered Finn's mouth with his own. Finn was surprised by the kiss but returned it with equal fervor, even going as far as to drop puck's hand so he could thread his fingers through Puck's short hair. "I want this. You, I want you."
Finn nodded his forehead against Puck's, their noses bumping. It felt slow and fast at the same time, this maddening paradox of a situation that made him want to build up walls and tear them all back down in the same breath. He thought Puck was going to go in for another kiss but instead, Puck slipped his arms around Finn's back and pulled him into a hug. It felt safe; it felt like home.
A little bit later, after a little more kissing, Puck took Finn's empty beer can and threw it into the bin before leading him silently by the hand back toward his room. He kicked off his shoes near Finn's closet door and then threw his t-shirt on the floor by the bed. He nodded toward the mattress, the question dancing in his eyes. Finn turned the lock on the door and nodded in reply before following a similar path of undress. The two of them slipped into the bed and faced each other, still dressed in sweatpants and not touching. There would be nothing more than strictly PG action; there would be time for that later. For now, Finn just wanted the comfort of Puck's affection.
"Do you think it would be too gay if I just asked you to hold me?"
Puck smirked and shook his head. "We're already sharing a bed, dude, I think we passed that barrier a while ago," he teased him. He pushed at Finn's shoulder. "Turn over, you're going to be the little spoon."
It should have been awkward with the few inches that Finn had on Puck but they seemed to just fit together. Puck slid his arms around Finn's waist so that they clasped together over the abdomen. Finn leaned back a little and tried to thread his long legs through the loop formed by Puck's. Their heads rested on the same pillow, but Puck knew that he'd be reaching for his own as soon as Finn was asleep. He was all for cuddling but he needed his own space. Plus, there was nothing better than a cool pillow.
"I never dream about Rachel when I'm with you," Finn confessed to Puck in the dark. "I still dream about her all the time when you don't, you know, sleep in here. It's kind of comforting now because it's calmer. She's begging for me to save her. What if I quit remembering her now? I don't want to lose those dreams altogether."
Puck knew that Finn was probably more worried about the feelings of betrayal he had with Rachel. Finn was the kind of guy to worry what his dead wife would think about his new love affair with his best friend. Okay, so most guys would probably worry about that, but Finn was the type to worry about it a lot.
"Then you will take a nap alone or spend some time talking to Rachel, whatever you need to do so that you don't forget," Puck suggested. "And if that still doesn't work, you go look at those kids of yours and you'll remember all over again. There's so much of their mother in them that I swear Berry is stomping around this sometimes, waiting for me to realize my potential or something like she did when we were kids."
"You know, Rachel missed you too," Finn said. "I never told you that before but she talked about you sometimes. She'd wonder where you are, if you still had that Mohawk or if you were making music. I think she would be proud of how you ended up, Puck."
That notion actually made Puck feel really good. He hoped that Rachel would like the man he had become, especially now that he was part of her family. "Your girl, she was one of the good ones," Puck allowed before rubbing his hand comfortingly over Finn's side. He felt the teacher relax against him a little, this happy sigh escaping from his pursed lips.
"So's my guy," Finn said sentimentally. His hand covered Puck's on his stomach. "I mean it too, Puck, you're mine."
"I'm yours," Puck chuckled. "Dude, why does that sound so messed up?"
"Because it is and it's not all at the same time," Finn laughed. "I don't like guys but I like you."
"So what? I'm like your exception or something?"
Finn shook his head. "You're just mine, and that's all that really matters."
Puck was glad that the other man couldn't see his million-watt smile right then. It was a little too happy and open for his comfort. "Alright, enough with the sappy, cheesy confessions," he declared before snuggling a little closer to Finn. Just because he didn't want to say or hear those things right now didn't meant that he didn't feel all of them. "Make sure you wake me up before you get the kids up, okay? I don't want them to find me in here until we can talk to them."
"Got it," Finn muttered sleepily. They were both asleep two minutes later.
Puck didn't have any nightmares that night and Finn didn't dream of Rachel. Instead, Puck slept for eight hours straight for the first time in months and Finn didn't wake up a single time, which hadn't happened since he lost Rachel. The only downside was that neither of them woke up when the alarm went off. Instead, they woke up two hours later with Jack and Gracie pressed on either side of them. Puck decided he never wanted to wake up any other way ever again.