Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other
By: CNJ
PG-13
10
Thanksgiving Day. All week, I'd forgotten that it was coming, despite Matt's death and now I wake up from a vague nightmare and see my calendar and reality slams down upon me that the actual Thanksgiving holiday is here.
It takes me a while to get up. When I finally do, my phone rings. It's Christina. She wishes me good luck today and tells me that her parents and siblings are spending the day with Cecilia. I wish her a happy Thanksgiving. She, Cecilia, and the rest of the Davis family know about Matt and all have sent me wonderful sympathy cards.
The Davises also know about Mom and "Dad's" lies to me. "Simon…good luck with them today…and don't let them guilt you into staying longer than you're comfortable with," Christina tells me.
"I'll try," I tell her. "And tell your family thanks for all your support…"
I also call Sarah and wish her good luck for Thanksgiving. I know that it is very hard on her and her kids, harder than for the rest of us. She's spending the weekend with her great-aunt and parents in Long Island.
"Maybe next year…when things heal some…"Sarah says and I know what she means. Without Matt. I feel tears spurt into my eyes and close them briefly.
"I know…"
"I almost forgot the other day that Matt is gone…I was at the store and had just picked up a packet of the tuna Matt always…liked…I got to the checkout…and it j-just hit me…he's gone…" Sarah sobs a bit.
"Yeah…I wake up and at first things seem normal…" I say, tears still in my eyes. "Then it smacks me…bam…" We're silent and crying softly a minute.
"Shana and Heather have also been great…" Sarah adds softly. "Especially Shana since she's been through something similar…her husband died of cardiomyopathy…she's been there…"
"I'm glad to hear that…"
"Simon…are you going to your mom's today?"
"Yeah…"
"Well…good luck…and let's make plans to see each other soon…the kids want to see you again…"
"I want to see them again…and you also," I say. "No matter what, Sarah, you'll always be my family…always my sister-in-law…"
We talk a bit more before hanging up.
Right after we hang up, Lucy calls.
"Hi, Luce…" I say.
"Simon…you picked up for a change…you are coming down today, right?" Lucy demands.
"Sure…"
"I hope so…with Matt gone, Mom and Dad really could use all the family they can get…and Mary's coming, which means Mom's going to be fawning all over her, so I could use some support…and besides Kevin's mother is coming in an hour…" she makes the phrase Kevin's mother sound like some character from the black lagoon.
"I'll be there…how's everyone doing…coping with Matt…being gone?" I ask.
"Mom cries on and off and Dad mutters things about regrets with how he handled Matt growing up and looks like a great stone face…Ruthie's not speaking to me and she and the twins fight almost all the time…thank God for Martin and me…without me, this whole house would just fall apart…Martin's been helping me with the stuff and with Savannah around the house…Simon, I really wish you'd try to get along with Martin…he's a great guy…"
"Is he going to be there?" I ask, afraid of the answer.
"Yes," Lucy says almost coldly. "And show up and try to be civil…"
I can't stifle a small groan.
"Simon!" Lucy snaps. "I said, try to be civil…I know you and Martin don't see eye to eye on things, but just…don't start trouble today…not when we're still in mourning over Matt…and Martin is going through a lot also…you know Sandy's left him and taken his boys…I heard she's staying with your dreadful ex-fiancée Rose…he was hoping they could work things out, but he just told me that Sandy's filed for divorce and custody of the boys…just don't take the bait if he says something you don't like…and I'll tell him to be civil to you…although he usually tries to be…"
"Sure, Luce…" I mutter. I really don't feel like discussing Martin or listening to her extol Martin's virtues, so I ask her if she needs me to pick up anything at the store on the way over.
"What?" she says.
I close my eyes briefly and try to take a calming breath. I feel a hint of a headache coming on and pray it won't become full-blown before the morning's over. I'll need to take some ibuprofen.
"What?" she demands again.
"Do you need me to pick up anything for dinner on the way?" I ask patiently. "From the store?"
"No…"Lucy tells me. "Dad, Martin, Mom, and I have everything under control here, so just bring yourself…but please…leave the long faces at home…we're all upset over Matt, but we're trying to keep the holiday cheerful for the kids' sakes…they don't need you acting miserable and brooding around…"
I wonder just how in Heaven's name this holiday without Matt is going to be "cheerful." I guess Lucy has delusions that her ministry position has given her the Godlike power to erase the fact that Matt is dead.
"Hey, Lucy, is that Simon?" I hear Sam holler.
"Yes, so don't interrupt me," Lucy snaps.
"Is he still crying over Matt?"
"No, so get lost…he's coming for dinner," Lucy tells him. She comes back to me. "So, when are you coming?"
"In time for dinner…that's still around four, isn't it?"
"You're just coming at four for dinner?" Lucy sighs.
"I have some things to do here…but I'll try to be over sometime before dinner…maybe three or so…"
After we hang up, I call each of the Hamilton siblings and wish them a peaceful Thanksgiving, then call Sean…my birth dad to thank him and his family for the wonderful sympathy cards they sent me.
It's so good hearing his and Gena's voices. "The other kids are here…Mike…Linda…Erin…do you want to speak to them?"
My other half-siblings. "Yes…sure…are they there?"
"Yes, dear…" I hear footsteps and voices, a bit excited. "Our brother…" "…really there…"
"Hiiii, Simon!" Three voices come on speaker.
"Hello…" I say, tears filling my eyes. "I w-want…to thank you for the great cards you all sent…they mean a lot…"
"You're welcome…we are so sorry about your brother…Matt…" Micheal's voice says. "Mom talked to him and Sarah briefly…he sounded like a swell guy…"
"How're you holding up?" I think it's Linda talking now.
"Some days are better than others…it's hard…it's unreal that the holiday comes anyway…"
"I can imagine…" I think it's Erin now talking. My spirits rise slightly for the first time since Matt's death. My heart is still heavy and will be for a long time, but this pain is easier to bear knowing that I am not alone in missing Matt. I do hope I and others can offer the same support to Sarah.
We talk a while more and I find out that they are spending today through Saturday at their parents' house in New Hampshire.
"We'd love to have you over here one day, Simon," Sean tells me.
"I'd love to meet all of you…I hope I can soon…" I think briefly of the two New York job leads, but don't say anything yet. I'm not saying anything definite out loud to anyone until I have landed a permanent job.
I also call Rose and she tells me that yes, Sandy and her sons are staying with her for now.
"I'm glad to hear that…" I say. "She and Martin were never happy…how've you been?" It's actually good talking to Rose again. I find out that she, her daughter, Sandy and the boys are heading to Umberto's mom's place for Thanksgiving.
I've taken a shower and am getting ready to head to Glenoak early that afternoon when Nigel calls back.
"Hey, Sime…how long are you going to be at your mom's?" he asks.
"Just for dinner…" I tell him as I get into the car. "I'm coming back tonight…are you at your parents' now…?"
"Yeah…but Lynn, Meredith, and I were talking…would you like to come over to Frisco on Friday and spend the weekend at my place?"
"Sure…" I agree. It's been so long since I've been to San Francisco…not since last summer.
"We can eat Thanksgiving scraps and eat out also…I've invited my siblings and the Davises and Cecilia…and we'd love to have you…"
"Thanks…I'd love to see the gang again…"
"Nooo, not those!" I hear Mom shriek as I step in the front door. "Those are for after the turkey!" I also hear a football game going on in the living room. Sam and David are plastered in front of it.
"Hi, guys…" I greet. Sam looks at me and kind of laughs, then nudges David. David regards me briefly and blankly, then both turn back to the game.
"Mommy, Grandma…Simon's here!" I hear Savannah call as she runs down the stairs to greet me. I put my arms out and let her dive into them and mock-grunt.
"Hello, Savannah…you're getting to be a big girl," I ruffle her fine hair.
"Hello, Simon…" Lucy calls from the kitchen.
"Siiimon…" Mom comes out of the kitchen and gives me a hug also. I weakly hug her back, still very confused about her.
"Hi, Mom…" I manage to say, despite a lump forming in my throat. Through slightly blurred vision, I see "Dad" come out of his office. I let him hug me.
"Hi, Dad…" I feel tears in my eyes and try to blink them back.
"Are you still sad. Simon?" Savannah asks, stroking my arm.
"Yeah…I miss your uncle Matt very much…he was very special…Aunt Sarah misses him also…"
"I'm glad you made it…despite everything…" Eric says. "Hey, Sam…David…Ruthie…Simon's here!"
"We know…" Sam calls. Neither David or Ruthie answer "Dad."
The table is mostly set and I can smell turkey and a potpourri of other food. I still don't have much of an appetite, but will try to eat something.
"Simon…you're here…" Martin says from the dining room door.
"Yes, I am…hello, Martin," I say in an attempt to be civil. Martin nods coldly and turns back into the kitchen. I hear him and Lucy whispering.
"Simon…you made it," Mary comes in also.
"Oh, hi, Mary…" I say.
"Still mooning over Matt?"
"I guess so…" I know she and Matt were not on good terms, but I'd think she'd show a little respect.
"I wanted to make the funeral…but post office hours…" Mary wanders upstairs.
I see Kaylee toddling toward the kitchen.
"Hi, Kaylee…remember me?" I greet her. She peers at me with large green eyes, then smiles a little. "It's your Uncle Simon…your mommy's brother…" She's so cute. I idly wonder where Ruthie is, but figure she's upstairs.
"Ready for lots of turkey and goodies?" I ask her. She grins and nods. Then she toddles over and gives me a hug. I stoop and hold her for a long minute, just savoring her sweet, warm babyness. If only Ruthie had been older and more mature when she had her…Kaylee's such a sweet kid who deserves better.
I briefly fantasize that she's mine…I want to be a dad someday…I hope I can make a good one…and I won't lie to them for years either…I'll make sure they attend a good school…have lots of love…
"…let's not bring it up again!" Lucy's voice explodes into my consciousness as she and Ms. Kinkirk and the others spill back into the dining room. "Savannah does not, does not need to be exposed to all the drugs, pre-marital sex, and immorality that goes on in those schools!"
Kaylee toddles toward them and I reluctantly stand. "You must be Simon," Ms. Kinkirk says.
"Yes…pleased to meet you Ms. Kinkirk," I shake her hand. She's a rather small woman who has black hair turning gray, but Kevin's facial features.
Mom and Lucy at least let me help carry in the dishes from the kitchen. All of us then sit…except Ruthie, Rick, Sam, and David.
"I'll get Ruthie…" Dad says, heading upstairs.
"I'll get the boys…" Mom mutters, looking annoyed. She disappears into the living room and I hear them arguing. I even hear a slight thunk and hear David shriek something about his brother doing something.
"Boys, that's just about ENOUGH!" I hear Mom shout. "I'd think you'd show some appreciation for our family and for some of your relatives coming all this way! Now turn off that TV and come eat!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Mother…" I hear Sam snark.
"SAMUEL!" Mom bellows. Somehow she gets them to join us. They do so very sullenly. David's seat is next to me and he scowls at me, not wanting to sit next to me. Sam laughs.
"Do I have to sit here?" David groans.
"Yeah…" Sam keeps laughing and starts to grab the sweet potatoes. "Right next to mopey Uncle Simon and his bashed-in nose…but is he really our uncle?" Sam laughs harder at his idea of a joke. He's the only one who's laughing.
"Sam…no eating until everyone's here and we say grace!" Lucy snaps.
"But Ruthie's going to take a year to get herself down here and I'm starved!" Sam protests. He continues to serve himself and spills nearly half of the potatoes on the tablecloth.
"Samuel Camden, do you want to go to your room for the rest of Thanksgiving and not eat at all?" Mom asks.
Sam pauses a minute, then sulkily says, "No…" and puts down the sweet potato dish as Ruthie and Eric enter the dining room.
With a gusty sigh, Mom takes a napkin and tries to wipe up the mess Sam made, but without much success. The dark orange stains even seem to spread.
Ruthie groans. "Do I have to sit there?" It's next to Lucy.
"Yes." Mom gives her a nasty glare. Ruthie glares back and I wonder if she will argue.
"Sit." Eric points sharply. "And we will all be thankful for having family to sit next to, even if we don't like them at the present time…" he progresses from this little lecture on family appreciation into the grace.
"AAAAAMENNNN!" Sam practically interrupts "Dad" and grabs the sweet potato dish and once again, shovels it onto his plate.
"Sam, leave some for the rest of us!" Lucy snaps.
"Sure…" Sam shoves it across the table and it nearly tumbles into Ruthie and Lucy's laps.
"What a pig…" Ruthie mutters, glowering at Sam.
"Heeeyyy, I waaanted some!" David whines. "Mom, tell Sam to pass the stuff to meee!"
I try not to make a sound as I silently serve myself turkey and string beans. I am not hungry, but I will try to eat something.
Mom tells Sam in a weary voice to pass things to David. He does, but ends up dumping half of it on David's lap.
No one really argues out loud; everyone except me makes polite small talk, but I see the little passive-aggressive wars going on around the table. Sam is "accidentally" dropping food on David; David is chewing loudly in Sam's direction.
Ruthie shoves at Lucy's plate a few times and at one point, "accidentally" tips over apple juice on Lucy's ruffled pink blouse.
"RUTHIE!" Lucy shrieks, jumping up. "You ruined my best holiday blouse!"
"Sorry…" Ruthie mutters, although I can see she's not sorry at all.
Sam and Mary laugh.
"It's not funny!" Lucy scowls at them, her face turning red. She stamps into the kitchen and I hear water blasting. Martin gets up to join her. Ruthie gives him a dirty look.
I can also see Mom and "Dad" occasionally giving each other accusing looks. I also noticed that they've spoken to each other very little.
"I no fee gooo…" Rick moans from his booster chair. I hope he's not getting sick.
Mary makes some excuse to head over to the kitchen. I hear her say something sarcastic and Lucy snap back at her, "Martin and I are taking this slow, so butt out and don't announce it to the world!"
"I feee siiii" Rick's holding his stomach.
"Mommy will be back in a minute…" Mom says, reaching way over to stroke Rick's hair. I notice he looks pale and fear he will vomit.
"Mom…" I whisper. "Should I…?" I start to stand to get Lucy.
"Is he…?" Ms. Kinkirk asks.
"I'm sure she'll be back…" Mom says. Mary comes back and sits again, smirking.
"I think Lucy and Martin are becoming an item, so Mom…Dad, you'll be happy to know that Martin's sticking around…"
"That jerk…" Ruthie mutters. She slams her juice glass down. "Why can't Lucy keep her dirty paws off other girls' boyfriends and husbands?" she wails.
"Same reason you couldn't," Mary tells Ruthie. "You're reaping what you've sowed…and another illegitimate member of this clan as if Kaylee and Simon aren't enough…"
"Mary!" Dad says sternly.
"I wish you people wouldn't use that term on human beings," I say.
"Why not…it's true," Mary insists.
"No, all of us are legitimate because we're born…" I say quietly.
"It's a nice sentiment, Simon, but it doesn't give us the license for immorality…" Lucy says as she and Martin have returned and are sitting.
"Well, I think it's immoral to label human beings as 'illegitimate' because their parents aren't married…"
"Really, Simon, I know these past few weeks have been upsetting for you, but let's not go back on those old arguments again like we did when you first started having pre-marital sex back in college…and not in front of the kids…"
"Fine…" I mutter, not wanting to get into an argument at the table and create more tension than there already is.
"Lucy should talk…" Ruthie snarls.
"Martin and I are NOT sleeping together or having sex, so shut up, Ruthie!" Lucy snaps, then stabs her turkey piece so hard it flies across the room and lands in Sam's juice glass with a splash. Some of it splashes on Sam and David.
"HEYYY!" Sam yells and flings his juice and turkey piece back at Lucy, who ducks and shrieks. It splats on Martin and Ruthie. Mary and David laugh.
"You absolute BRATS!" Ruthie screams and Martin scowls at them.
"SAM!" Dad bellows. "Go upstairs to your room right now!"
"But Lucy threw…"
"You heard your father…upstairs!" Mom points.
"I always get blamed for everything…and for everybody else's crap…" Sam stands so fast he knocks the chair over backwards and storms upstairs, smacking David on the head as he goes. Rick starts to cry and Savannah's eyes fill with tears.
I reach over for Savannah's hand. Ms. Kinkirk gets up and holds Rick a minute. Kaylee is shivering slightly and I fear she is about to cry also. My own hand is trembling and I fight to steady it.
"Grandma…Grandpa…why does Sam act like that?" Savannah asks.
"Like what, honey?" Mom asks.
"Always calling everybody names and yelling at us…and he laughs at Uncle Simon all the time…and now Uncle Simon's sad…"
"Well, we've been through a rough couple of weeks," Eric tells her. "Sam's going through a bad time…"
"And why do Aunt Ruthie and Mommy yell at each other all the time?" Savannah asks and my heart goes out to her. "I bet in school, everybody doesn't act like this…"
"A good reason to have her there…" Ms. Kinkirk tells Lucy.
"Just butt out…" Lucy snaps. "Savannah, things are bad in schools…it's not safe there…"
"And you like being with Grandma, don't you, sweetheart?" Mom adds, getting up and ruffling Savannah's hair.
"Yes…"
"So why go and spend all day surrounded by strangers who don't care for you the way your family can?" Martin puts his two cents' worth in. "And risk having terrible things that make you messed up…depressed…" Martin kind of gestures and I realize that he's gesturing toward me, implying that I am one of those "messed up" people who went to the alleged "horrors" of a normal education.
"Yeah, Martin, why go and be exposed to the great big world out there?" I say, picking up a few dishes and helping Dad and Ms. Kinkirk carry them to the kitchen. I came back and add, "Why learn to think and why meet a variety of people? No, stay in the narrow world of your house, so we can marry and have kids too young, marry somebody they don't love and cheat on them…"
"Simon, that's enough…" Martin snarls, his lip curling. He turns and glares at me and I glare back.
"Gentlemen…" Eric says, approaching us. "The two of you need to stop this silliness…"
"Simon needs to grow up…" Martin starts indignantly, his pale blue eyes flashing. I just ignore him and slip past, carrying the rest of the things to the kitchen. "See how he just stirs up trouble, then pulls his vanishing act…he does this and doesn't want to face the consequences…" I hear Martin complain on.
My headache is coming back, slowly throbbing around my head. I'd managed to eat some of the turkey and some mashed potatoes. Mom is trying to wheedle us into desert, but I don't think I can take another half hour at all. I'm also worried about Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee and want to get back home to peace and quiet to think about it.
"Mom…Dad…everyone, thanks for the great dinner…I'm heading back home, so…"
"Simon, don't go so soon!" Mom says, holding my arm as if she's afraid I'll vanish right on the spot. "We haven't even had dessert yet…"
"I'm sure it's delicious, but I'm stuffed, " I say.
"But you hardly ate…" Mom says, her eyes narrowing slightly as if she's suspicious.
"I…just didn't have much of an appetite today, Mom," I say weakly.
"Are you still upset…these past few weeks have been hard on all of us, honey, and I know you're still upset with your dad and me, but it's Thanksgiving…let's put all grudges aside…surely you can tolerate us for a few more hours…"
I shrug and stare at her and the man I thought of as Dad for a long minute. "I guess a bit…a few more minutes…I can't eat anymore…but…"
I do stay for almost a half hour more…Sam, thank goodness stays upstairs. Mom takes Kaylee and Rick up to sleep and I lean over and kiss them goodnight.
Martin and Lucy sit close and whisper, and at one point, kiss and Ruthie gives them one last filthy scowl and gets up so fast she knocks her chair over backwards and storms upstairs past Mom, who looks at her, amazingly clueless.
David reaches over and finishes off the last half of Ruthie's pumpkin pie. He's sitting in Mom's seat and is not happy about surrendering it. He gives me a dirty look, then starts to move toward Ruthie's empty chair, which is next to Savannah's.
Savannah, not happy about having David next to her, comes over and sits by me, I put an arm around her and pull her close, wishing I could protect her from this family's mess. I'm having a hard time even protecting myself. I see Lucy giving me a dirty look from across the table and try to ignore it.
Ms. Kinkirk is small-talking with "Dad" as she drinks her coffee, then she and I get a chance to talk some. I tell her about college and about my budding film director career. I leave out that I haven't found anything permanent for Mom and "Dad's" benefit.
"So, Simon…when does this job start…or has it started…?" Dad asks. "And where will it be?"
"I'm not sure yet…but New York is one possibility," I tell him.
"New York…?" Mom says, her eyes widening. "You're moving east?"
"Possibly…" I say.
Mom and "Dad" exchange looks. "So when were you going to tell us about this possibility?" Dad asks.
"Tonight…now…" I say.
"You know, Dad could have found you something here so you wouldn't have to make this big move across the country…" Lucy puts in.
"I know…and as I discussed with Mom…and Dad, I want to do this on my own…I need to…"I say. I know Mom and "Dad" are not happy about this and I'm sorry about it, but they're going to have to accept this.
"He's right, you know…" Ms. Kinkirk says. Mom's eyes get that appalled glare, but Ms. Kinkirk is able to ignore it and add, "He needs to look back on this as an opportunity he built on his own, not anyone handing him the job…just like my own three made sure they landed their job appointments on their own…"
"Yeah, and Kevin felt free to run out on me, thanks to your hands off parenting," Lucy mutters.
"I am sure it was more than this that led to whatever marital issues you and Kevin had."
"Can we not discuss Kevin over the table?" Lucy snaps. "At least he backs me up in schooling my kids, which is more than I can say for you…Savannah, it's almost your bedtime, so we're going up…"
"Bye, sweetie…" I hug my niece one last time.
"Bye, Uncle Simon…good luck in New York…" She reluctantly leaves and goes with her mother upstairs. I feel an ache in my chest and wonder if she realizes how far New York is from here. I do plan to try to keep in touch with her, though. I don't know how with Lucy hovering over her, but I'll think of something.
"Mom…Dad…everyone…I'm going, so goodnight…" I stand and give Ms. Kinkirk a hug. She hugs back and gets up also.
"Simon, are you sure you don't want to spend the night?" Eric tries to wheedle, but I shake my head no.
"Things to do early tomorrow," I say. Mom also tries to get me to stay overnight, but I manage to hold firm and leave.
"You seem so eager to get away from us," Mom sighs. "We're still your family, you know…there's no need to shun us…"
"Goodnight, Mom," I say quietly as I leave. I really don't know what else to say to her and Eric these days. Besides, I am worried about greater problems right about now that Mom and "Dad" should also be concerned about…like the kids and their environment.
As I'm walking out to my car, Ms. Kinkirk also is leaving. "Simon…are you as worried about those kids as I am?" she comes over to me. I nod, feeling tears glisten in my eyes.
"Me too…" Ms. Kinkirk says. "I know Savannah needs to be in school…and Kaylee and Rick aren't in a healthy environment…"
So someone else besides me has seen this firsthand and is not blinded by Mom or Dad's lies or Lucy or Martin's phony facades. Somebody besides me sees through their grand words of "morality" and "values" and how those words are not matching their actions.
"Whenever I call over there, Ms. Kinkirk, I usually hear someone fighting and screaming…and I'm worried about how it'll affect the kids…and Lucy has Savannah practically under lock and key…is Kevin any better?"
"I wish I could tell you something differently…" Ms. Kinkirk sighs. "Kevin's seeing her this weekend…but he backs Lucy on keeping my granddaughter isolated…they rarely let me see her as it is…"
"Grandparents' rights…" I whisper.
"Grandparents…what was that, dear?"
"What about…I've heard of some places…organizations that help grandparents fight for the right to see their grandchildren…maybe you could insist on your right to see Savannah and Rick…then they wouldn't be so isolated…"
"That's an idea…" She leans on my car and we stand in silent thought for a few minutes. It's nippy and dark out. Upstairs, I see Lucy peering out a window.
"Listen…Lucy's watching us now, so let's keep in touch and see what we come up with…" I say.
We exchange e-mails and phone numbers and I tell her where I am living now, then we part ways, promising to talk further about this. Maybe with a little luck, Ms. Kinkirk and I are not completely powerless over our own relatives' kids.
Hope you all enjoyed this tumultuous T-day chappie! More to come soon! Meanwhile, don't hesitate to review!