Chapter 10: My Confession

"I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy, I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing".

Sam's heart was breaking in two as he listened to his brother's confession. The pain in his voice was more than Sam could bear. Never in his 26 years had he ever heard such emotion and distress in Dean's words.

Sam listened as Dean finally told him what happened to him in Hell. Dean forced back his sobs as he spilled every detail. Every horrific thing he saw and every horrific thing he did down there. Two free tears escaped and trailed down his cheeks. It was seldom when Dean Winchester cried but right now, there was no way that he could hold anything back. Everything he bottled up inside, all the memories, all the hatred and all the pain came rushing to the surface. It was all Dean could do to not slip off the hood of his Impala right now and shrink to the ground.

Sam closed his eyes and gripped the beer bottle in his hand so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He didn't want Dean to look at his own pain. The horror and guilt he felt that because he died, Dean sacrificed himself and went to Hell so that Sam could live. Everything Dean went through and did in the pit was because of him. But he couldn't let Dean turn around and see that. He had to be strong. He had to be there for his brother. His soul mate.

Sam reached up and put his hand on Dean's shoulder "Dean, listen to me" he said softly "it's not your fault, you held on for as long as you possibly could have, the demons down there, they made you do this, they're the ones you should be blaming, not yourself".

Dean shook his hand and wiped his cheeks free of tears "no you don't understand Sam, it is my fault, and I don't know how much longer I can live with this darkness hanging over my head.." and for the first time Dean turned so he could look at Sam "that's what I hear in my nightmares, their screaming, their agony, all because of me…you have no idea what I did to them".

Dean's eyes were red and his cheeks tear stained. Sam swallowed hard and he released the bottle, it clanged as it hit the ground and rolled away. He grabbed Dean's shoulders and brought him close "No you're right I can't understand what you went through but despite that, God obviously believes in you" He took Dean's face in his hands "he sent Castiel to pull you out of Hell, and it doesn't matter what you did down there, they forgive you" Sam gently stroked his cheek with his thumb "it's time you forgive yourself".

Dean trembled under his brother's touch. He leaned in instinctively, something that had come so naturally to him when it concerned Sam, and gently put their foreheads together. He wanted to forgive himself, so much that it quivered his very soul. But every day he heard the screams and the ripping of flesh, the burning heat of the flames and the hot tips of poker he drove through their bones. Dean couldn't forgive others that did those horrors to people, so how could he ever forgive himself?

He pulled away from Sam and reached into his pocket for the car keys "I don't want to talk about this anymore, let's go" he said. He finished the rest of his beer and then tossed the bottle aside.

Sam blinked, their moment was gone and Dean was already getting into the car.

"Dean…"

Dean gave him a look "I said let's go Sam".

He slammed the door shut and started the Impala up. Sam took a frustrated breath and ran a hand through his hair.

He didn't want to let this go, he wanted to make Dean see that he should forgive himself. But he couldn't force such a thing. It was Dean's decision and his alone.

Sam reluctantly got into the passenger side, Dean drove away and they rode back to their motel in silence.

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That night Sam was laying on his bed in their motel room. Dean'd gone out to pick up their Chinese take out they had ordered earlier.

Since their heavy session that morning, Dean hadn't said much for the rest of the day. Sam tried once more to bring the subject up but Dean blew him off. He told Sam that he said what he needed too and that he didn't want to talk about it again.

Sam decided to let it drop for now. And now that Sam was alone and had time to think about it. Was he really glad now that Dean had finally told him about what he did in Hell? Sam wasn't sure if it was easier now that he did know. Hearing Dean talk about his being getting ripped apart and tortured torn Sam up inside.

And it wasn't just that, all of the events from the past couple days were also weighing heavy on Sam's mind. His own confession to Dean about what he did in the four months that he was dead. Though, he hadn't told Dean everything. There was still that one secret he kept, the thing Ruby had brought up the night before. Sam's powers were floundering, she said he needed to do it to strengthen them again but he refused. There was no way he could go back to the dark, empty shell he was while Dean was gone. He'd rather die first.

And then there was the battle with the angels and the demons. Sam still couldn't believe he and Dean had survived it. After Anna regained her grace and became an angel again. She burned the demons out and returned to her place in Heaven. Castiel and Uriel left after that. Sam had a feeling that bringing the two enemy sides together would end the struggle, despite nearly being killed in the process. What he hadn't known was that Uriel had appeared to Dean in a dream and offered him a choice of either killing Anna or killing Sam. Dean chose Sam over Anna.

Even through the battle, Sam saw that there was something going on between Dean and Anna. When Anna kissed him before going towards the angels, he felt angry and conflicted. And Dean hadn't seemed too resistant. Sam wanted to know if something more happened with them then just that kiss. And if it had, the betrayal would hurt Sam more than anything else.

A week had passed since he and Dean made love that night in the most cheapest motel they had stayed at in some time. But it wasn't the location that mattered. It was the experience and the absolute passion they had shared. Sam thought about it constantly and when he asked Dean the morning after he had said the same thing;

"I'll never forget it Sammy...there are no words for how I feel right now.."

And it wasn't until Sam saw Dean and Anna kiss that he started to doubt things. He thought it meant as much to Dean as it did to him. That what they had together was something sacred and untouchable.

Sure Sam always knew that Dean was a skirt chaser. But he was never really serious about the women he slept with. It was never more than a few nights that he stayed with one. The only time Dean said he was serious about someone was that girl Cassie that they met a few years ago. But that was the thing, it was years ago and Dean hadn't mentioned Cassie once since then.

As for Sam, Ruby had tried to sleep with him. One evening after Sam failed to exorcise a demon, Ruby killed the thing with her knife. Later on, Sam was angry and depressed. He was drinking hard and popping pills. Ruby claimed that she knew how hard it was for Sam to be living without Dean. She then threw herself at him and kissed him. Sam pushed her violently away into the wall. He wiped his mouth and felt like vomiting. He couldn't believe that a demon just violated him. He told Ruby to get the hell out after that.

Maybe Sam was sick with grief, but he hadn't lost his mind.

Now since Dean had come back to him, Sam felt that he was his completely now. That everything that happened in the past was just a memory.

Sam needed to know though, did Dean really do something more with Anna? That question was killing him now. He looked at his watch impatiently.

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At half past eight, Dean came back holding the Chinese take out and a keg of beer in his arms. He closed the door with his boot and put everything down on the table. He pulled off his leather coat and dropped it over a chair.

Sam was laying on the bed with his back pressed against the headboard. His laptop was resting on his lap as he clicked away through various sites in search for their next case. Dean glanced at him as he started to take out the food from the bags "Hey, find anything interesting?" he asked.

"Not yet" Sam said, his voice seemed tinged with annoyance.

Dean frowned "what's wrong?".

Sam closed the laptop and looked at him "did you sleep with Anna?".

Dean froze in mid bagging "...what?".

Sam put his computer aside and got up from the bed "you heard me" he said.

Dean took a deep breath and nodded slowly "yeah…I did".

The revelation hit and Sam felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. He looked at Dean as emotion filled his face "why?" he demanded.

"Sam look, she came to me and I didn't know what was going to happen to us" He sighed and forced himself to look at Sam "I thought we were going to die man, and she was there and she told me she knew what I did in Hell and she seemed to understand it and then…it just happened".

"Just happened?" Sam asked in disbelief "what about us? Did that just happen too?".

The hurt in Sam's eyes was more than Dean could stand, he turned away from him "No it wasn't like that, you know what it meant to me Sam and you know what you mean to me! I chose you over Anna, I would choose you over anyone!".

Sam shook his head "But for you to go and sleep with her after me…there's no excuse for it Dean, I thought you changed" He walked across the room and grabbed his coat "I thought we changed".

Dean watched as Sam put his jacket on "hey, where are you going?".

"For a walk"

"Sam please…I'm sorry"

"Yeah, me too"

Sam walked out and slammed the door behind him.