Chapter 9
Shepard woke with a start. He searched the room for anything that could be a potential threat, but there was nothing except his panicked breathing. He dry heaved in an attempt to settle his roiling stomach, but there was nothing to throw up. Shepard rubbed his eyes to make them focus. He was surprised to find tears.
The nightmares had been exceedingly worse in the last few days. While they had never truly disappeared, Shepard had some reprieve after helping Talitha Jefferson and letting Liara see his memory of Mindoir. His nightmares rarely woke him anymore, and there were quite a few nights completely free of them.
The most impressive feat was the disappearance of the beast. Shepard no longer felt that oppressive presence during the night. Even Liara mentioned that the menace she had encountered during their early meldings had vanished.
However, the night after he sent his out ground team without himself at the helm, everything came back. They weren't limited to his personal demons that had been with him since Mindoir and Akuze. Shepard saw his new crew torn to pieces. Garrus, Kaidan, Tali, Ashley, and even Wrex were exciting new playthings that his damaged psyche could use to punish him.
The beast's favorite new subject to torment him with was Liara bar none. It seemed to use her image as much as it used Daily's, and it was very effective.
This particular nightmare was a new one for Shepard. People he failed to save like Pvt. Garza, Carmine, and Amanda, people he saved like Talitha, and people he called friends like Ash, Garrus, and Tali were all lined up in front of him. They were on their knees, shaking in fear.
Then, a form materialized a few paces behind Cpl. Thomas, the first person in line. As it approached, Shepard noticed that it was humanoid in shape, but its features were vague and undefined. It wasn't until the figure violently pulled back Thomas' head that he realized what he was being shown.
The shape finally focused and became the commander, but it wasn't the way he looked now. The menacing apparition was Shepard as he looked on Akuze, younger and without the scar. Doppelganger Shepard grinned wickedly at the commander, and a knife formed in his hands. In one quick motion, he drew the knife across the marine's throat and threw the body forward. Thomas evaporated as he hit the floor.
Shepard attempted to get up and stop his evil twin before he continued, but he found that he was unable to move. He tried to shout, but his voice died in his throat. He was powerless.
Doppelganger Shepard moved to the next person in line, his eyes never leaving Shepard. When he was behind his next victim, Scott, his appearance shifted to the way he looked when he was sixteen years old. His smirk gave the younger face a demonic expression.
Doppelganger wasted no time dealing with Scott.
He moved on to the next in line, Tali. His form shimmered, and it was Shepard as he looked today. The apparition's face startled him. While the cruel smile never left his lips, the scar the commander received from Akuze stretched it to an unnatural length. A small part of him wondered if that was what he looked like when he smiled outside of this nightmare.
Once he was finished with the innocent quarian, the doppelganger moved to the next and then the next and the next. Each time his form changed to reflect Shepard's age when they died, no, when he failed them.
The victims made no sound, but they struggled fruitlessly, trying to escape. The other Shepard gave just enough time for their eyes to meet the commander's in a silent plea to save them. Then their terror-filled looks slackened as their life left them. Even though he knew it wasn't real, Shepard didn't believe he could stand to see much more.
Then, a revelation hit Shepard. He recognized what the doppelganger was. Behind the façade, he could feel the same presence he did during most of his nightmares. It was that malevolent being that inhabited his guilty subconscious. It was the beast.
Somehow, the beast's smile grew even wider and even more sadistic, as if it was pleased that the slow-witted Shepard finally figured it out. He continued to carry out his torture with a scary amount of glee.
Finally, there were only two people left. Shepard knew he would leave these two for last, and he hated the beast for it. Its form split into two Shepard's, the sixteen year which made its way behind Daily and the current Shepard which stood behind Liara. They held their heads back, exposing their neck.
The commander struggled more fervently, but his bonds never slackened. He tried to yell out and surprised when a weak, "Stop it," left his lips.
Both doppelgangers stared back. "Why?" they said in unison.
Shepard heard two voices speak, one that sound like him now and a higher pitched one from the sixteen year old. However, both shared something dark at their base.
Daily's and Liara's voices barely reached his ears. "Help us," they whispered.
Shepard struggled to move even harder, but it only weakened him. "No," he said weakly. "Don't."
The doppelgangers did not listen. They slid their knifes over the two women's throats. Unlike the others, they took their time performing the act. Shepard could see the pain lance across their faces.
They didn't vanish as they fell to the floor. Instead, they laid there, their lifeless, dull eyes staring at nothing. Shepard wanted to get up and run to them. He wanted to try to stop the bleeding. He wanted to do something. But all his strength left him, and he couldn't even struggle.
"Look closely," a voice said in his ear. "This is what happens to those you care about. You get to survive while they pay the price."
Now Shepard was awake, trying to steady his shaking hands. He needed liquor, very hard liquor, but that was out of the question. He had a mission in a few hours. Coffee would have to suffice.
When he left his cabin, he was greeted with a familiar voice.
"Hey, Shepard," Tali said.
"Tali?" he asked, surprised. "What are you doing up so early? Is the ship still too quiet?"
She waved her hand dismissively, a very human gesture. Seems her time on the Normandy was beginning to affect her.
"Oh, no. I've gotten used to it. Your audio files helped a lot. Thank you."
"No problem." He went to fill a cup with coffee and joined his favorite engineer. "So which one was your favorite?"
"The 'Tropical Birds' and the 'Babbling Brook' sounded quite beautiful, but they only kept me awake. Your custom file actually worked the best. You were right; the sound of the machinery was soothing. Although, I believe that one of those machines' manifold needed replacing."
Shepard laughed. "Leave it to a quarian to diagnosis a problem from an audio file. I'm glad they helped." He took a sip of his coffee. "So if you are sleeping better, then why are you still up? Were you waiting for me? I mean, if we keep meeting like this, the crew might start talking."
He started to grin mischievously, but the image of his doppelganger's wicked smile flashed in his mind. Shepard elected to give only a small smile instead.
Tali smiled. "Or maybe you have the ship VI alert you when I'm out here so you can pretend to be surprised when you come out to see me," she shot back.
Shepard couldn't keep from smiling even more. She was definitely spending too much time around humans, especially the commander. He was rubbing off on her.
"No, I just got off shift," she continued. "I've been missing mine since the lieutenant wanted my expertise against the geth, his words, not mine, in the Armstrong Nebula. So I decided to pick up some extras to give the others a break."
Tali held up a hand when she saw Shepard open his mouth. "I know that I didn't have to. Engineer Adams already gave me that little talk. I just wanted to. Everyone here has treated me, well, like a part of the family. I just wanted to repay the favor."
Shepard couldn't help but remember what the beast said in his dream. This is what happens to those you care about. He stifled that thought. "You are and always will be a part of the family, Tali. Don't forget that."
She nodded softly. Then she stared at her hands as they began to move over each other.
Shepard hadn't seen Tali's nervous tick in quite a while. "Is there something you wanted to ask me?" he guessed.
Her eyes met his, and he very evident surprise even through her visor. "How can you always tell?"
He shrugged. "I got good at reading people. I knew you were waiting for me. So what's on your mind?"
"I was not waiting for you," she protested. "I'm just taking advantage of this opportunity."
She hesitated. "Umm… you know that geth data we recovered from the base? Well, I was thinking that, since those geth weren't with Saren, that it would have a lot of good information hidden in it, about the entire geth collective. I wanted to ask if I… I was hoping that you would give me a copy."
"Because it would make an excellent Pilgrimage gift," Shepard ventured a guess.
She nodded.
They had spoken before about Tali's Pilgrimage. Shepard felt honored and proud of her that she would be willing to put her personal quest on hold to help save the galaxy from the Reaper threat. (It also made him wonder why quarians were looked at as vagrants and thieves if all they were truly doing was helping their people.)
When Tali explained that the rite of passage ended when the quarian returned with a gift, Shepard thought that stopping Saren and the Reapers would be a great gift to give to her people.
"True, but the gift should be geared toward the quarian race's need: a ship to be used as a new vessel or spare parts, new technology, or valuable mineral readings," she had explained. "Since I'm an admiral's daughter, I'm expected to bring something even more valuable than normal."
"Would the Normandy do?" Shepard had joked.
She laughed after a brief state of shock. "Yes, it would. But we both know you could neither give it nor would I take it."
Now, she had found something other than the Normandy that would suffice. Still, it didn't sit well with Shepard.
"If I give you the data, you would be forced to leave to go back to your people."
She nodded. "Yes, I would, but I wouldn't leave right away. I'm not going to leave you to face the Reapers by yourself. What kind of family abandons each other in a middle of a crisis?"
Shepard smiled. "Okay. Take a copy."
Tali jumped out of her seat, rounded the table, and pulled Shepard into a hug.
"Thank you!"
He laughed. "Any time." He put a little distance between them. "Now you get some sleep. You had a long night."
Almost on cue, Tali yawned. "You're right. Goodnight, Shepard. Stay safe down there."
After she entered a pod, Shepard drained the rest of his coffee and headed down to the armory to ready his equipment.
The Mako lit up as Shepard hit the various switches to start the tank. Next to him sat Lt. Alenko in the copilot's chair which was responsible for radar, communications, and repair protocols. Garrus was behind him in the gunner's station. In the transport area of the Mako were three more marines and Liara.
As he waited for Joker's signal to launch, Shepard gave a brief overview of the mission. "Admiral Kahoku sent two squads of marines to Edolus to investigate some suspicious activity a week ago. He hasn't heard from them since. We are going down there to find out what happened.
"I know we are kind of packed in here, but whatever happened down there kept ten marines from contacting Alliance commander. I'm not taking any chances."
Shepard turned back around to finish prepping for their drop. He heard one of the marines ask Liara a question.
"You ever been on a combat drop before?" she asked. It was Cpl. Dietrich, the other medic Shepard requested for the squad.
Liara's responded shakily. "I cannot say I have."
"It's not that bad," another one said. "The inertia dampers keep us from feeling the effects of the free fall… for the most part. It will feel a little rough though. You should really put on your helmet."
"Do not worry. I will be fine," Liara responded.
Shepard was about to tell her that she really should put on her helmet, but Joker interrupted him.
"Drop on my mark. Three… two… one… mark."
Shepard hit the accelerator, and the Mako lurched forward. They cleared the cargo bay and began their decent to the planet. When they were a few hundred meters above the surface, he hit the thrusters to slow down. The Mako touched down, bouncing once then twice, before it came to a halt.
"Everyone all right back there?" Shepard called. He wouldn't normally ask, but he remembered that he nearly lost his lunch during his first drop.
"I am glad you warned me against eating before this mission, Commander," Liara answered. "I would have lost it."
"Oh, you haven't even experienced the worst part yet," Garrus said.
"And what is that?"
"Shepard's driving," Kaidan and Garrus said in unison.
"Oh, ha ha. Everyone is a critic. If everyone is ready to stop ganging up on their commander, we have marines to find."
That proved to be much easier than they had anticipated. Only after five minutes of driving, Kaidan discovered an emergency beacon signal only six kilometers in front of them.
When they cleared a crest, Shepard saw what they were looking for. In the middle of a wide open plain, there was an M29 Grizzly parked next to what appeared to be the beacon.
"Garrus, what do you see?"
He looked through the range finder of the Mako cannon. "The vehicle looks disabled. I think I see bodies around it."
Kaidan turned to the commander. "I don't like this. Something feels wrong."
Shepard nodded, feeling the same thing. "But we have to find out what happened. Be ready for anything."
The Mako crawled cautiously toward the other tank. Shepard began to feel a slight vibration that wasn't there before.
"Kaidan, check the ground-penetrating radar."
His hands moved over the holographic controls. "There's something big approaching us from the northwest. It's moving fast."
Suddenly, the ground a hundred meters in front of them erupted. Once the dirt and debris settled, Shepard saw what happened to Kahoku's marines.
"Thresher maw," Shepard whispered. He was frozen.
"Shepard? What do we do?" Kaidan said. His normally calm, collected tone was growing frantic.
Shepard didn't move. He hadn't seen a maw since Akuze. Even after all that time, he still wasn't ready for another attack.
The thresher maw was ready, however. It started a motion that the commander remembered vividly and frequented his nightmares.
"It's going to spit!" Garrus yelled.
Just as the maw released the ball of acidic goo, Alenko yelled, "Commander!"
That woke him up. He quickly hit the thrusters and the Mako just sailed over the projectile.
"Vakarian, open fire on that thing. Prepare for evasive maneuvers."
The Mako's cannon and machine gun roared to life, applying a steady stream of fire as Shepard swerved around, avoiding the maw's boogers and sharp claws.
After what felt like an eternity, Garrus said, "It's retreating."
"Did we kill it?" one of the other marines asked.
"I doubt it. I could barely put a dent in its thick skin," the turian answered
"Is everyone all right back there?" Shepard asked as he stopped the tank.
"Just peachy," Dietrich answered. "Thanks for asking."
"Kaidan, can you get a bead on its location?"
Alenko shook his head. "I lost it. It went too deep for our radar." He looked hard at his readout again. "Wait. I see something." His eyes widened. "It's right under us!"
Shepard tried to move, but the Mako was too sluggish. The thresher maw slammed into it from underneath and sent it flying through the air. The sudden change in direction was too much for the inertia dampers to overcome, and Shepard could feel the blood leaving his brain and pooling in his legs. They bounced twice before miraculously landing right side up.
"Damage report," Shepard said as he shook his head to get rid of the stars.
"Drive train inoperable. Kinetic shields overloaded. Weapons systems and thrusters still online," Kaidan answered after a moment.
"Garrus, you still with us?"
"Yeah, I'm here." He groaned. "Let's not do that– it's spitting!"
Shepard engaged the thrusters. The Mako flew over the projectile. "Kill that thing, Garrus!"
The turian started to fire again while the commander used the thrusters to dodge the incoming acid. After a couple close calls, the thrusters warned that they about to overheat.
"Stop playing patty cake with that thing, and kill it already, Vakarian!" Shepard yelled over the din.
"It would be a lot easier if you didn't throw off my aim every minute," Garrus said back. "And what the hell is 'patty cake?'"
"Aim for the mouth."
"Oh now he tells me. You know, that little piece of information would have been helpful from the start!"
Shepard didn't respond, choosing to dodge the incoming acid spit instead. Garrus said something that Shepard's translator didn't recognize (but he was pretty sure it was a curse) as the Mako's rapid altitude change threw off his aim again. The thruster gave out, and warnings flashed on Shepard's console.
"Now or never, Vakarian!"
The cannon sounded. Shepard heard the thresher maw wail in pain and then nothing.
After a very tense few seconds of silence, Garrus finally said, "Scoped and dropped."
Shepard's sigh of relief was interrupted by Dietrich.
"Sir, Liara took a bad hit when we went flying. If she were human, I would say she had a concussion."
"Can you do anything for her?" Shepard asked.
"Unfortunately, no. My medic training didn't cover asari biology."
Shepard looked at Kaidan.
He shook his head. "I'm in the same boat as Dietrich."
"Don't worry, Shepard. I got her," Garrus said. "All turians are trained in some field medicine for any species we might be in combat with."
"All right. Get her stable then come get me. The rest of you, fan out and let's try to figure out what happened here."
"I have a hunch it has something to do with the thresher maw," one of the marines said sarcastically.
Shepard wanted to reprimand the soldier, but agreed too much with what he said.
They filed out of the Mako as Garrus started to examine a very dazed Liara. Shepard took a quick glance at the tank to inspect the damage. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be any damage they couldn't fix with the spare parts they had and some omnigel.
Then, he focused his attention on the Grizzly and the carnage surrounding it. Shepard could almost see what had transpired. The squad approached the beacon, more than likely confused by the lack of an emergency situation. When most of them left the tank to get a better handle on the situation, the thresher maw likely attacked, catching them off guard.
The monster must have targeted the Grizzly first. It got a lucky strike on its cannon which was now and melted mess. Without the heavy firepower from it, the rest of squad didn't have much of a chance.
Shepard opened a private channel to Alenko. "Take Tanaka, and get inside that Grizzly. See if there are any survivors."
"Aye, aye, sir, but I don't think there is much hope. It's been too long to hope for anyone to last."
"I know, LT. I just want to make sure. And see if that thing can still move. The Mako doesn't have much room, and I don't want to leave anyone behind."
Alenko tapped Tanaka on the shoulder and motioned him to follow. Then they cautiously entered the Grizzly.
Shepard opened a channel to the other two marines with him. "Dietrich, Pakti, check the marines. I'm going to look at this beacon that lured them here."
He approached the beacon and scanned it with his omnitool. The results confirmed his suspicions.
The top half of the emergency beacon was like any other. It contained a transponder, holographic console, and power supply. The lower half, however, was altered. The base was hollowed out, and a seismic hammer put there. There were also recording devices that transmitted their data to what was likely a nearby research station.
Shepard had seen this set up before. When the Alliance went back to Akuze after the attack, they had found a similar beacon there. They made the assumption that the hammer was responsible for the tremors the marines felt there and what drew the thresher maws in for the attack. Someone had drew them there then and these marines here now.
He stood up quickly, shouldered his sniper rifle, and scanned the mountains using the scope. Pvt. McNeil had seen something just before the attack. Shepard hoped to find it here. Maybe it would give some sort of answer.
He heard the two marines approach as he was searching.
"What are you looking for, Commander?" Pakti asked.
"There is a recording device in the beacon. I'm looking for whatever could be receiving its data." He dropped his weapon. "But I'm not seeing anything."
"You mean someone wanted this to happen? Someone lured them here?" Pakti said, disbelief evident in his voice.
"Wouldn't be the first time," Shepard answered. His eyes still searched for anything out of place. "My squad on Akuze suffered the same fate. I was lucky to get out alive. A beacon like this one led us there too."
He finally stopped his search and taped a few keys on the beacon's holographic keyboard to shut it down.
"Who would do something like this?" Dietrich asked.
"I don't know, but I intend to find out." He noticed Alenko and Tanaka were out of the Grizzly and heading their way so he opened the comm to them as well. "Any survivors out here?"
Dietrich shook her head. "None. They were either dissolved by the acid or had a suit rupture and died from asphyxiation."
"What about inside?" Shepard asked Alenko.
"Same. Some acid ate through the hull. One poor bastard has a wicked slice through his stomach."
"Damn near cut him in half," Tanaka added.
"I'm guessing the maw must have stabbed at the tank with its claws."
Shepard took a moment to let it all sink in. "Is the Grizzly still operational?"
Alenko nodded. "It'll take a little work, but she'll be able to drive."
Pakti looked flustered. "What the hell does that matter? We have dead marines literally all around us, and you're worried about the tank?"
"I don't care about the tank, Private," he answered curtly. "I care about getting these men and women home. It's cramped enough as is in the Mako, unless you are volunteering to stay behind."
Pakti didn't answer.
"All right then. Lieutenant, fix the Grizzly as well as you can. The rest of you, start gathering up the fallen and get them ready to go home."
They nodded and got to work on their tasks. Shepard moved to the Mako to get it ready to ship out. He didn't get far when Garrus' voice broke the silence.
"Hey. T. rex."
Shepard couldn't see the turian's face, but he knew there was a smile there.
"Besides spilling all of my secrets, how is she doing?"
He glanced over his shoulder. "She'll be okay. She has what they call a concussion. It's when the asari brain-"
Shepard held up his hand. "I know what a concussion is. Humans get them too."
"Really? We turians never get them. There must be too much room in your species' skulls."
Shepard swore he could hear another smile.
"Anyway, it's not too bad. She did request your presence. Fair warning though, you should watch out for her biotics. They tend to get a little unstable when asari get head injuries."
"Thanks for letting me know," he said as he patted the turian on the shoulder. "See what you can do about fixing the Mako out here. I'll go inside and see what I can do from there. I don't want to linger here longer than I have to."
Garrus nodded and started his work on the Mako.
Shepard went into the tank and took off his helmet. Liara lazily looked at who had entered, and her face light up at seeing the commander.
"T. rex!" she shouted.
Despite the situation, Shepard couldn't help but chuckle. "I thought that was going to be our little secret."
"It is our secret. I would not tell anyone about your really cute nickname."
"Pretty sure you just told Garrus."
She seemed surprised and tried to stand, forgetting that she was still strapped in her seat. "I did? I am sorry. I did not mean to."
Shepard put a hand on her shoulder to make her sit back down. "It's okay. How are you feeling?"
Liara shook her head and winced at the motion. "My head hurts."
"Because you have a concussion. That's why we wear helmets while we are on drops. You never know when you are going to get thrown around like that."
"But it hurts my crests," she whined.
"All right. When we get back to the ship, I'll talk to Mathis about getting a helmet that isn't uncomfortable."
She smiled. "Thank you, Troy."
Shepard patted her shoulder and went to see what automated repair operations were still working. After a while, Liara broke the silence again.
"Why did you call me 'ceiling'?"
"Hmm?" Shepard answered, caught off guard by her sudden question.
"A week ago, you called me 'Cielo.' I found that it meant ceiling in a different human language. Why did you call me that?"
He turned toward her with a confused look on his face. "What translator were you using? I mean, I guess I can see where 'cielo' means ceiling, but I would use 'techo' instead."
"So then what does it mean?"
Shepard laughed nervously and felt his face heat. "You have to remember I was losing blood at the time. I can't account-"
He stopped as he noticed a blue glow develop around Liara. Watch out for her biotics, Garrus had warned.
After a deep breath, he answered her. "It means heaven or sky in Spanish."
"Why did you call me that?" she asked as the biotic glow disappeared.
More blood rushed to his face. "Because your…" Shepard struggled. "I don't know what to call it. Your coloring, I guess? Your coloring and your eyes remind me of the sky on Mindoir, reminds me of my afternoon naps on the hillside."
Liara's biotics flared again. "You mean your naps with Amanda."
"Yes," he answered honestly. "But she hasn't been there for a while now," he quickly added when Liara almost filled the entire Mako with blue light. "Now, it just reminds me of my old home."
Her light dimmed to nothing, and her head drooped. "I am sorry. I do not wish to remind you of that place. You have such painful memories there."
Shepard shook his head. "They are good memories, Cielo. Remind me to show you some time." He turned back to his repairs. "Keep talking, T'Soni. If asari concussions are anything like human ones, it helps to keep your addled brain active."
Blue light emanated from behind him again. "I am not scattered brain!"
Shepard sighed. Translators made the worse word substitution choices at times.
The din of the firefight finally died. Shepard peeked over cover to find that there was no movement. He checked his motion detector and found nothing.
"Clear," he called.
Alenko and Williams answered. "Clear."
"Any sign of the scientists?"
"Nothing yet, Skipper," Ash said.
"Maybe they corralled them and took them deeper into the compound," Kaidan said hopefully.
Shepard nodded. "We can only hope. Form up, and stay alert. There could be more mercs around."
"Let's hope not. Getting hit by that krogan hurt," Ash added.
"Well, you did shoot out his eye. I think he had every right to be angry with you," Alenko said.
"Still think tossing me across the room was an overreaction," she grumbled.
"Focus, marines," Shepard chided as he neared the exit on the opposite end of the room. "I want everything quick and clean. We have a lot of area to cover."
The other two nodded and readied themselves to clear the next room. The door opened, and they poured in. Once he was sure there was no immediate threat, Shepard entered the nearest room hoping to find schematics for the rest of the base.
The size of the seemingly small facility surprised him. There were a half of a dozen small office rooms like the one he was in now, three labs, a common area that Shepard guess was their break room/cafeteria, and a large dormitory. In the deepest part of the base, there was a room that was listed as Dr. Wayne's office that was much larger than any other office onsite.
"Isn't the moon falling?" Alenko asked as he looked at the schematics. "Why invest so much money on a dying planet?"
"The briefing stated that there is a big push to catalogue all of the fauna before the planet is destroyed," Williams suggested. "Maybe they take their job very seriously."
"Or they are trying to hide whatever it is they are doing here," Shepard said. "No sense guessing about it. We have to find those scientists if we want any answers."
The squad went deeper into the compound, making sure to clear every room before they moved on. There was little need. Every room they came across was empty. There were obvious signs of struggle: chairs and desks overturned, datapads strewn around, and even a few bodies of the security detail. But it was clear that not everyone who worked here was accounted for.
Suddenly, his motion detector beeped. Shepard held up a fist to halt the other two. He watched the detector as more and more yellow blips appeared.
After a moment, Ashley asked, "What is it?"
"We got multiple unknowns in the commons area. There seems to be quite a large group of them," Shepard answered.
"Could they be the scientists?" Alenko said.
"Possible, but be ready in case they aren't."
Once they were in position, they opened the door and stormed the room. There were shrieks as they entered with their guns drawn and yelling "Alliance." The unknowns scrambled away from the door and huddled together in fear. Shepard noticed that none of them had any sort of armor or weapons on them. The lieutenant had been right. They found the missing scientists.
Shepard lowered his weapon, and the other two followed suit.
"I am Lieutenant Commander Shepard, Alliance Marines." As he said "marines," the room quieted. "Who is in charge here?"
An older man stood shakily. "I-I think that would be me, Dr. Steiner. I am the lead assistant to Dr. Wayne, the head researcher here."
Shepard motioned for the man to approach. "What happened here?"
Steiner shook his head. "I don't really know. One minute, I'm at my desk working on some reports, and, the next, I hear gunfire and security running around yelling about an attack. Then, after the guns stopped, those mercenaries dragged all of us in here." He paused. "Ummm, what happened to them?"
"We killed a large group of them, but we don't know how many are left," he answered matter-of-factly. "You said Dr. Wayne is head researcher. Where is he?"
"Their leader has him. He came in here demanding for him. I think he took him deeper into the compound. If I had to guess, I would say he took Dr. Wayne to his office."
"How many went with him?"
"I don't think any," Steiner answered. "He said he wanted to be alone, told the rest to guard the entrance."
Shepard nodded. "Lieutenant, stay here and see what you can do for the survivors. Chief, you're with me."
They made their way further into the facility, continuing to clear each room as they went. They didn't want any nasty surprises sneaking up behind them. When the two finally reached Dr. Wayne's office, Shepard could hear a man shouting through the door. The words were muffled, but he could tell that the person yelling was extremely agitated.
The door opened automatically as Shepard and Williams approached. There were two men inside, one fully armored and another scientist. The sudden movement startled the armored man. He drew his pistol, but pointed it at Dr. Wayne instead of Shepard.
"Stay back!" the merc yelled. "I have no grief with you. All I want is this bastard."
"Please, help me," Dr. Wayne pleaded. "He's a madman. Mr. Toombs, you're insane. You need help."
"Shut up. You don't get to-"
Shepard knew that voice. When the scientist said the name, he couldn't help but interrupt. "Corporal Toombs?"
He took a hard look at the commander. "Lieutenant Shepard? Is that you?"
Shepard lowered his weapon. "Yes, though it's lieutenant commander now. How-how are you alive?"
"I got pinned under some prefab debris. These scientists found me and took me. I woke up in a holding cell. They were delighted that I survived. Now they had someone to run tests on.
"See, they were studying the thresher maws. They baited them when they saw us coming. They watched as it ripped our squad apart."
"This man is delusional," Wayne said. "You can't prove any of this."
"He was there, you bastard!" Toombs yelled back. "He knows the truth."
"Toombs, I'm sorry. I didn't see you. If I did, I would have come back for you."
"You can't believe him! I demand a fair trial," the scientist pleaded.
"Shut up!" Toombs told him, angrily. He turned toward Shepard again. "They are part of some organization that runs secret tests like this. They treated me like a lab animal."
"Yeah, I know. They did it again. We found a group of marines that were led into a thresher maw just like we were. Found out it was done by some former Alliance black ops group called Cerberus. A rear admiral lost his life getting us that information."
"See! They are monsters! This man needs to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for our unit, for everyone they hurt! Are you with me?"
Shepard sincerely wished he could be. He would like nothing more than to take this Dr. Wayne, if that was even his real name, and torture him until he knew pain so intimately that he would plead for an end. Then, he would apply just enough medi-gel to keep him alive just so he could continue to feel the agony. Finally, Shepard would take him to a barren planet, and leave him. Let him suffer and succumb to his injuries as he realized that there was no hope for him, that he would die alone.
But the commander could not do all that. He couldn't do any of that. The words that he said next hurt worse than any physical wound he had ever felt.
"No, Toombs. We can't kill him."
The man looked so betrayed. "What? Why not? He killed our entire unit!"
"Believe me, I want him to pay for his crimes. I want him to hurt so much, feel so much pain, that death would be welcomed. But Cerberus won't be destroyed with the death of one scientist. We need to know what he knows. I want to take down Cerberus too, and we need intel to do that. We need him."
Shepard watched a stunningly wide variety of emotions dance across his corporal's face: anger, confusion, malice, determination, hatred, understanding, and finally acceptance. Toombs finally lowered his weapon.
"Chief, secure Dr. Wayne here. We're going to take him to the nearest Alliance outpost."
As Williams followed the order, Toombs turned toward Shepard with his weapon still in his hand.
"They tortured me for years, you know," he said listlessly, "while you got the scary reputation."
"I was lucky."
Toombs laughed mirthlessly. "All the vids say that you're the only survivor." His gun started to rise. "Maybe it should stay that-"
Almost instantly, Shepard reached the desperate man and firmly grasped his gun, keeping it from rising to Toombs' temple. They struggled for a moment before Shepard said, "Don't you dare, Corporal."
"Let me go."
"Can't do that."
He sneered. "Why not? I can't get them out of my head. All the screaming won't stop. Why can't I get some rest?"
"Because, like it or not, your life is a fight now. Every day you're still here, every morning you open your eyes, every damn breath you take is a slap in Cerberus' face. The moment you let them define you, let them make decisions for you, they win. I know you, Toombs. You're too damn stubborn the let them win."
"I'm not that man anymore. I'm not like you."
"Let me tell you a secret."
Toombs stopped struggling, but made no move to lower his weapon.
"I spent the majority of the attack unconscious. I was knocked out by an exploding plasma canister. When I came to, it was all over. I don't deserve my reputation. The Alliance just uses it to drum up more recruits. 'You can be like Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, if you sign up now.'
"Hell, when I learned that I was going to be put in command of another unit after Akuze, I threw up. The thought terrified me. And there are nights I don't want to sleep because of the ghosts that haunt me, and days when I don't want face the world. Yet, I have to because there are those who can't anymore. I owe them that. We owe them that. We can't give up."
Toombs finally nodded ever so faintly. The commander let go of his arm, and he holstered his weapon. His eyes were still doubtful, but it seemed that Shepard's words got through him enough.
"Come on. We should gather up the other scientists. There might be more than one person from Cerberus here."
The door opened to the commander's cabin, and he turned to see Chief Williams walk in.
"Do you have a minute, Shepard?"
"Sure. Have a seat."
She sat down on his bed, and they sat in silence for a few moments.
Finally, he spoke. "Are the scientists we picked up all squared away?"
She nodded. "Most are in the mess right now. A few had some injuries that the doctor is treating. Toombs is in the med bay too. I think Chakwas gave him some sedatives to calm him down."
"And Dr. Wayne?"
"Well, since we don't have a brig, we threw him in the Mako. He's restrained of course, and Garrus is making sure the Mako doesn't suddenly blow a hole in the hull."
"Good. Luckily we only have to stay this crowded for a few hours until we rendezvous with the Jakarta and hand them off."
Again silence fell. She shifted uncomfortably on his bed.
Shepard sighed. "Last time you were this quiet, you were about to ask me about my family. I know that I told you to not be so conscientious about that, and I know you wouldn't disobey a direct order. So, what do want to ask me this time, Ash?"
She breathed deep which seemed to steel her nerves. "Did you mean what you said on Ontarom?"
"You will have to be more specific. I said a lot of things down there."
"Don't be an ass, Shepard. You're doing it on purpose. You know I'm not good with this stuff. I meant what you said to your old squad mate, about you not wanting to face the day sometimes, about worrying if you should be in command."
He exhaled heavily. "I really wish you weren't there to hear that. Those are my demons, and I don't need to be burdening anyone else with them. I wouldn't have even shared them with Toombs if I had the choice, but it was the only way to really reach him."
"Well, I heard it. So stop dancing around the question, and just answer it already."
Shepard shifted uneasily in his seat. "Yes, I meant what I said."
"Why?" she asked when he didn't continue.
He stood up, feeling the very urgent need to move. He paced back and forth, thinking that his cabin felt very cramped. "I'm sure you know about Akuze; almost everyone in the Alliance does. What you may not know is that it was a volunteer only mission, and most of volunteers came from my unit. When they found out I signed up, they jumped at the chance to follow me." Shepard took a few more furious steps. "They followed me, right to their deaths. Every single one died that day." He laughed harshly. "I'm a Shepard. I was supposed to get them out alive."
He noticed Ash's quizzical look. He stopped his pacing, straightened, and pitched his voice. "'We're Shepards, Troy. It's our job to protect those we look after.' My dad used to say that to me when I was younger. Some Shepard I turned out to be."
He went back to his aimless pacing. Ash started to say something, but Shepard interrupted.
"Do you know why they were so eager to help? Because they knew that I would jump at the chance to help a colony, especially one that could be in trouble. Because they knew about how I failed on Mindoir."
Ash's question stopped his rant. "What do you mean? How did you fail on Mindoir?"
Shepard fell back into his chair and slumped. He reluctantly told her the story about how his idea ended with the death of his small group. Once he had finished, the commander waited expectantly.
"Do you remember what you said to me after Eden Prime?" she asked. "You told me that it wasn't my fault that my unit was wiped out. You said that I wasn't the one who brought the geth down on us, that I shouldn't blame myself for surviving when the two twelve didn't."
"I know where you going with this, Williams, but you didn't lead your team into an attack. You didn't leave your friends to die."
"Oh!" she said sarcastically. "I didn't realize that you lead the batarians to Mindoir, or called the maws down onto your unit. I guess our situations are completely different. My mistake."
"Ash-" Shepard started.
She interrupted him by standing and poking him hard in the chest. "No. I know you know that it's the same thing. So either you don't believe your own words, which I highly doubt, or you don't want to stop feeling the way you do."
Shepard stood up angrily and looked at the chief square in the eye. "You think I WANT to feel this way? Why the hell would I want nightmares almost every night? Why would I want to constantly see the faces of those that trusted me, but were ultimately betrayed? Why would I want to feel like that?"
She never shied away from him. Instead, she shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? You said it yourself. Those are your demons. Maybe you're not ready to move on. Maybe you feel like if you stop feeling the way you do, you would be failing them again.
"But you have to admit that they are dead, Shepard. And, no matter how much you punish yourself, they aren't coming back."
Shepard sneered. "What are you, a psychologist now? They teach that now in basic? I don't need another one of those in my head, Williams."
"At least I'm not a martyr," she yelled back. "And I learned all this from you, the best CO I've ever had, even if you are bullheaded."
He wanted to continue to be angry with her. He tried really hard to stay furious with her but found that he couldn't. She simply made too much sense.
Shepard collapsed back onto his chair. "You know, I really hate it when people use my own advice on me. Why does everyone listen to me so intently?"
Ashley's fury seemed to evaporate. She smiled at him and sat back down on the bed. "Because you're you." She gently placed her hands on his forearms. "Shepard, somehow you make everyone around you better by just being there. You would put your life on the line for any one of the people on board, and they know that. And, just so you know, they would do the same for you." Her hands moved down his arms and held his hands. "You're an amazing commander. It's about time to start believing it for yourself."
After a moment of enjoying the surprisingly gentle gesture, Shepard broke the silence. "You know, if you keep holding my hands, Chief, I may have to throw you in the brig for fraternization. We both know the regs against that," he said with a smirk.
She laughed. "You really know how to kill a mood, don't you, Shepard?"
"What can I say? I am a man of many talents." He finally let go of her hands, instantly missing the warmth they provided. "I have to get back to these reports, and you have your leave to get ready for. We are heading to Terra Nova as soon as we take care of the scientists."
Williams nodded, and they both stood. She moved to the door. Just before she left, Shepard called to her.
"Ash."
"Hmm?"
"Thanks for the talk."
She smiled back. "Anytime, Skipper."