Therapy

Zack leaned forward against Sephiroth's closed door, panting, his heart pounding. It had been a huge mistake to go into the clinic for therapy. The questions he'd been asked had only served to bring back the memories with a vengeance, and now he could hardly breathe, he was shaking, and he felt sick.

He knocked on the door again, hoping desperately that Sephiroth was there and that he was just asleep or something. He didn't think he could make it back to his own apartment and he didn't much want to sit out in the hallway in the condition he was in.

The door opened several seconds later. Zack looked at the floor, ashamed of being seen like he was.

"You have my key code, do you not?" Sephiroth sounded annoyed.

"I...I can't remember it," Zack said.

There was a slight pause and Zack could feel Sephiroth's eyes on him as he fought to keep from shaking so violently.

"Inside," Sephiroth said.

Zack stepped over the threshold and the door slid shut behind him. He leaned back heavily against it. "Guess I really am a nut job..."

"Nonsense," Sephiroth said. "Go sit down."

Zack walked over and sank gratefully onto the couch, closing his eyes.

He felt Sephiroth sit down. "Now, breathe deeply and relax."

Zack did as he was told. In minutes, the panicky feeling was gone, though he was left feeling vaguely ill.

He opened his eyes and looked at Sephiroth, noticing for the first time that his friend was shirtless and the couch was warm. He was confused for a moment, before realization hit him.

"Shit," he said. "You had a mako treatment today."

Sephiroth never felt well after he went in for treatments, though it was better now that he was only getting those required of all SOLDIER members and not the extra ones given by Hojo. He usually spent the remainder of those days resting...and Zack had just disturbed him.

"Forget it," Sephiroth said. "Just tell me what happened."

"The counselor asked me some stuff, and...I dunno, I just kinda freaked out," Zack said. "I ran out and came here."

"Ah," Sephiroth said. "That does not mean you're crazy, merely overly stressed."

"What, you a doctor now?" Zack said, though he knew Sephiroth was right.

"I am more qualified than some I'm acquainted with," Sephiroth said. "But that is beside the point. When I say stress is the cause, I am speaking from personal experience."

"You mean that's happened to you?" Zack said. He rubbed his arms. "Damn, it's cold in here."

Sephiroth stood and went over to the sliding glass door that led onto the balcony. "It has." He pushed the door closed and returned to the couch. "When I was younger; around your age, actually."

"That was a really long time ago..." Zack said, smirking. "And, let me guess, you used to have to walk uphill both ways, with no shoes on, in the snow to get to the training grounds, right?"

Sephiroth glared at him. "I will never understand how it's possible for you to make jokes no matter what the situation."

Zack grinned. "It's a gift."

"I'm sure." Sephiroth said. "Anyhow, as I was saying, it has happened to me. It is only a matter of time before mental torment manifests itself physically."

"Since you're the expert, what should I do?"

"Find a way to rid yourself of it," Sephiroth said.

That sounded easier said than done. He'd been trying for a month to rid himself of the memories and the nightmares, but nothing had worked.

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" he said, sounding just as frustrated as he felt.

"Locate the source and do away with it," Sephiroth said. "For instance, I was forced into a position in the military that I was not prepared for. I was promoted out of pure necessity, because someone was needed to coordinate the war effort.

"Are you familiar with the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'?"

Zack nodded, wondering where this was going.

"That's what Shinra was doing," Sephiroth said, "I was both their greatest ally and their worst enemy. Such is my skill in battle, that they would have been utterly helpless if I joined the opposition. So, they thought that a higher rank and salary would be incentive for me to remain."

"In any case," he continued, "I knew almost nothing of battle strategy, SOLDIER was very lax in their teaching back then. So, when I was informed that I would be sent to Wutai within a week, I had no idea what I was going to do. The breakdown that happened then was far worse than what happened to you. It delayed my departure for two weeks, so they could ensure I was mentally capable.

"During that time, I located several books on war and read them. I rid myself of the problem by learning that which I didn't know."

"That's great and all, but I don't know what the problem with me is," Zack said.

Sephiroth looked at him. "Have you thought about it?"

"Well, no..." Zack said. "I've been trying not to think about it."

"Not thinking about things does not make them go away."

"I was kinda hoping it would..." That sounded stupid, even to him.

"This should not have been allowed to continue this long," Sephiroth said. "Why did you not inform me sooner?"

Sephiroth looked angry, and Zack's reasoning behind not talking to him was starting to seem more and more ridiculous.

"You were busy with other stuff..." he said, feeling like an idiot.

"That is not like you," Sephiroth said. "Did you not say that I could speak to you about anything at anytime? What makes you think that you do not have the same right?"

Zack looked down at his lap, ashamed. He'd been such a moron, letting himself think that he could deal with his problems on his own. He'd always told his friends that they could rely on him and yet he never let himself rely on them. He gave all of himself to those he cared about and never asked for anything in return, even when he needed it, and that had led to this.

He leaned back and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck..." He looked at Sephiroth. "I'm sorry, Seph."

Sephiroth nodded once, slowly, then said. "I believe I know what your problem is. You are feeling guilt over your actions."

Zack nodded in response.

"That's not uncommon," Sephiroth said. "I will tell you the same thing a very wise man once told me. You must learn to put the past behind you. You cannot change what's been done and dwelling on it will only make it seem worse. And often, that which you view as your greatest mistake will lead to your greatest triumph."

Zack couldn't remember ever receiving a better piece of advice.

He smiled. "You should become a shrink."

Sephiroth smiled slightly. "I believe I'll follow the advice of another wise man, who once said, 'Don't quit your day job'."