"So, five minutes is up." She pushes her hair out of her face and I watch her shoulders heave as she sighs. Other than Mere, I don't think I've ever clicked this well with a female. Of course I've had lots of lady friends in my lifetime but most of them—if not all of them, have wanted to have sex at some point in time. With Jo, it's different. I've been talking to her about everything and anything today and it feels so natural…like she's just one of the guys. "…Back to teaching you how to cry…" With a toothless smile spread across her thick pink lips, she claps her hands and gazes at me. "So yeah… think about the MEANEST thing someone's ever said to you. You have to feel it… feel it in your… feelings. And think about it."
"I don't have feelings." I look back at her with the same friendly innocence she's looking at me with. The shitty upbringings aren't the only things we have in common, I've found. In fact, the shitty upbringings don't even scratch the surface. It's not like we spent the entire day so far together playing 20 Questions or anything like that. It's just that when we talk, information starts spilling out and more and more so I'm convinced that this girl is the reincarnation of myself from a past life. Within the last five or six hours of being with her, I've gathered that her birthday is May 5th, she's 28, her favorite color is purple, she doesn't watch much TV but when she does, she likes to watch a show called Awkward, Gossip Girl and a show called Girl Code. She doesn't have a favorite movie but if she had to pick one, she said it's a tie between Monsters Inc. and Monsters University but both Forrest Gump and Men In Black come in a close second. And she doesn't have a favorite song but she hates almost everything that plays on the radio.
"You have feelings, Alex… I've seen them." Out of the clear blue, she outstretches her hand and grabs ahold of mine. Incidentally, I flinch away from her when she does that but solely because I wasn't expecting her to do that. I've waited a while to have an excuse to touch her on my own and now she's touching me on her own whim. I think I finally have some closure within my mind that says "Yes Alex, she's real and you know she's real now because you touched her." Her hands are miniature compared to mine. Her fingers are slender and the skin on her palm is so soft and smooth. I glance down at her fingernails, which are neatly trimmed and clean but really long as well. "When you deal with those little babies… you have feelings."
I notice while she's talking, she's moving closer to me but it's probably just because she's sliding off the edge of the gurney we're sitting on. "…Think about when your fiancé kisses you…" And now she's making me think about Iz which completely ruins it for me. She was getting a little too close to me and I would've probably stopped her before things got too serious anyway, but the fact that she just mentioned Iz really just did it for me. I watch her mouth and she bites her lip and inches closer to me again. "Think about when she kisses you…and think about when she eases in…" While she's coaching me through what it's like when I kiss Iz, I notice that she's getting closer and closer. "Think about that moment just before your lips touch…and how you'd feel if you never felt that again…"
Her face is so close to mine that our noses are touching…and for some reason… I don't really have the willpower to pull away from her just yet. I can feel her breath against my lips as we're breathing in tune with each other. Her eyes flutter shut for a brief moment before she unsteadily opens them back up again. Some place in the back of my mind isn't telling me that this is wrong. It feels so right to be in this position with her and as much as I don't want to want this…I can't deny the fact that I wouldn't mind sharing a kiss with her. At the same time, both our heads turn and we both close our eyes.
"KAREV AND WILSON!" She pulls away from me so fast that it's like a fire was lit under her ass and I scoot away as well, smoothing my hands over my pants and acting like nothing just happened. I know Robbins wouldn't tell Izzie that I just got caught almost kissing an intern but it's still the principal of the fact that I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Plus, I don't think Robbins would care, but I'm pretty sure the whole almost-kissing-Jo thing qualifies as favoritism and Jo might get thrown off Peds for that. "WHY AREN'T YOU TWO ANSWERING YOUR PAGERS?!" I untangle my fingers from hers because we were unconsciously holding hands.
"…I'm… I'm gonna go down to the pit and see if anybody needs me down there." She springs up off the gurney so fast that she leaves her chips behind as well. She nearly runs away from me, shielding her face as if there's something she doesn't want me to see.
"Jo!" I'm confused as to why she's running away from me to get down to the pit. She doesn't have to go to the pit. She can stay on Peds with me and we just don't have to talk about what just happened…or almost happened. To be completely and totally honest, I don't even want to talk nor think about what just went down. That would've been a huge mistake and there would've been NO excuse for that if that had happened. As soon as I call her name, she spins around to look at me from the distance she's already at down the hallway, her hair flaring out and becoming messy with her movements. She's a pretty decent distance away from me so I can't be completely sure, but I think she's crying from what I can see. Her eyes are glistening like they're wet. "You don't have to go down to the pit…" I try to convince her to stay with me but she shakes her head and keeps walking away from me.
I don't know whether I should go after her or let her walk away. I'm confused because clearly, walking away is something she wants to do. I didn't tell her she had to get away from me and I sure as hell didn't tell her that she had to get up off the gurney we were just sharing. Since I'm not the one that told her she had to go, I'm guessing that walking way is something she wanted to do herself. So should I go after her and make sure she knows that what just happened is in the past? Or should I let her walk away like she wants?
Despite the fact that the tail end of the conversation we just had was enough to make me want to lie her down on the gurney we were sitting on and take full advantage of the fact that she said she's a sexual person. Despite the fact that I almost kissed her and I know for a fact that if I had kissed her, I probably wouldn't have been able to help myself and I would've AT LEAST gotten some finger action in there or something. Despite all of those things, I have actually developed a friendship with her. In addition to the fact that she's hot, she's actually a really cool friend…and the things we talked about are things that I would talk to Mere, Cristina or even Avery about. So since I realize that I actually enjoyed her company aside from the almost kiss and the conversation that turned me on that we are friends, I get off the gurney and go after her.
"Jo, wait up!" I call after her, pushing past Arizona and trying to slow her down as best as I can. When I call her name, she slows down a little bit but she's still walking pretty fast. "Jo!" Regardless of the fact that she's a friend to you, she is your subordinate. She can't tell you what she's going to and what she's not going to do. I stop walking after her dead in my tracks and put my hands on my hips. "WILSON! GET BACK HERE!" My throat hurts from yelling at her but I'm serious. She can't just up and go down to the pit if I didn't tell her to. I think she got the picture through my yelling because she stops jogging immediately. "We still got work to do! I didn't tell you to go to the pit!"
She has her back still turned to me but I can tell by her posture that she's not all the way there. Since I got her to stop walking, I start walking towards her and when I approach her, I swear I can hear her crying. What's she crying for? There's literally no reason for her to be crying. NOTHING happened. "The Peds floor is this way…. Not that way." I put my hand on her shoulder and she snatches away from me. "Wilson, you've gotta cut it out. Consider this a lesson." I give up on touching her because clearly she doesn't want me to. "You're gonna have crappy days at work but you've gotta brush it off because people are counting on you…you hear me?" She brings her hand up to wipe her tears away I assume but I don't know for sure because I can't see her face. "People are counting on you to fix the problems that other people cannot fix… and if you can't do that all because you're having a little tantrum, then you need to get the hell out of this program."
I hear her sniff and slowly, she turns back to face me. "…So we're just not gonna talk about it?" The skin around her nostrils is pink, probably from her rubbing her nose. Her eyes are red rimmed and her already bright brown eyes are sparkling even more so with the presence of tears. How is this girl this beautiful no matter what? How is she pretty even when she's crying? I don't get it… "Is that how we're gonna play it? …We're just not gonna talk about it?" She's REALLY upset and I feel kind of bad. I want to ask her what the reason behind her tears is, but I have a better idea.
"Talk about what?" Now of course I know what she's talking about. I'm not stupid and I know EXACTLY what she's talking about. But I can see just how much this whole thing is tearing her up so if it will stop her from crying and being upset, then no…we won't talk about it. We'll just forget about it. We won't even bring it up.
"Thank you." She whispers and clears her throat. "…So uh… what do we have to do?" And just like that, she pulls herself together.
"We have a few more babies to finish up rounds on because a few more got admitted since this morning and then we have to go check on the older kids… our day in the NICU is almost done. Come on." I motion with her hand to follow me and she does. I won't lie… I kind of wish we could talk about what just happened. I'm obviously still against cheating on my fiancé, but I don't feel like just forgetting about the fact we almost shared a kiss is the right thing to do. I'm over the moon about the fact that I didn't kiss Jo and I honestly don't wish that I would've. I just wish that we could talk about it so it never happens again.
But Jo doesn't want to talk about it and so we won't.
X X X
"So what was the deal with you and Wilson in the tunnels?" While I'm busy finishing up her post-op notes, Arizona pops up next to me and sticks her chart back on the charging dock. I knew she was going to ask about it. I knew that it was only a matter of time before she asked about it and to be honest, I'm surprised this didn't come up sooner. "…Because I'm not going to assume that it was what it looked like it was…but if it was what it looked like it was…then what the hell?"
"It wasn't what it looked like it was." I mumble while pretending to be super busy with finishing these notes. "She was bummed out today about something that happened to her last night and she needed a friend, that's all it was. She was bummed because—"
"So you comfort her by kissing her?" She gives me a slap on my arm that's not hard but hard enough to sting a little bit. "What are you doing, idiot? Have you not learned ANYTHING from me? Sleeping with your co—"
"Whoa, wait…" I put down the pen I was using to write the notes and look at her. "I'm not hooking up with Jo. She's my friend and that's all. There's no sleeping with her, there's no feelings for her, there's NOTHING there but friendliness…so butt out."
"I'm just saying that you have a fiancé and you have a life and I get that she's young and she's pretty but—"
"Get out of my business, okay? I HAVE not, WILL not and don't INTEND on sleeping with that girl. You people frickin' kill me around here, always trying to give me guidance. Bull crap, alright? It's all bull. Don't try to guide me on what to avoid with my relationship when you can't even fix your own. She's a good friend and she's a quick learner and she knows what to do with these babies before I even have to TELL her what to do. Stop acting like it's a crime to have a favorite student…I was yours." I close up the book of notes I was just doing and slide it across the counter at her.
"No Alex, you were my favorite student when you decided to specialize in MY specialty. I have no choice BUT to like you because I also have no choice BUT to teach you something! You being my favorite and her being your favorite are two totally different things. You don't have to tell me how good she is because I've seen it myself but how is she supposed to get a well-rounded education here if your tongue is down her throat? What kind of service do you think I'm running here, Karev? I shouldn't hav—"
"You've got the wrong idea! I never—"
"SHUT IT! I'M SPEAKING AND YOU'RE NOT." Like I said earlier, Robbins is PISSED. She never yells like this…so I take her hint and just shut up. "I've already put too much time and effort into grooming you to be just like me for you to just throw it all away on some intern. I'm not going to let you get your head wrapped up in her…I WON'T let it happen." She snatches the book of her post-op notes off the counter and tucks it under her arm. "She's banned from Pediatrics until further notice and that's not my orders, that's Chief Hunt's orders."
"You ran and told the chief?" I throw my hands up. "I never even kissed her. It almost happened but it DIDN'T and we were both fine to work with each other for the rest of the day. You're WAY overreacting with this…" I take a step back and take a deep breath. I'm LIVID right now but if I mouth off to Robbins I know I can kiss a lot of things goodbye. "Fine. I'll go tell Jo that she got banned for something that DIDN'T happen."
"No, you stay away from her. I've already told her. She's on Hunt's service all day tomorrow and that's where she'll stay until the both of us feel that you two are on level grounds with each other."
"…Bullshit." I mumble and walk away. How can they just tell me that I can't work with Jo because we ALMOST kissed? It wasn't even that serious, I'm telling you it wasn't. We DIDN'T kiss and we were FINE for the rest of the day to work together. We didn't talk about it. Instead, we talked about how much we'd like to go see Guns N Roses and Journey in concert back in their glory days. We talked about how she hates Led Zeplin but loves Fleetwood Mac. She teased me a little more for liking that Black Widow song but I had to explain to her that Izzie likes to play the radio while she bakes and she bakes A LOT. She asked me if I had ever heard of John Mayer and I told her no. She told me to go listen to a couple of his albums tonight and let her know how I like him tomorrow and I told her to go listen to Michael Buble. She also told me to go home and rent The Breakfast Club since I've never seen it and that was it. Our entire conversation was friendly after that slip-up…and now she's banned from Peds?
I feel like I owe her an apology, so maybe I'll just go and tell her that I'm sorry that she got banned from Peds. She's probably on her way home for the night because it's 7:30 and her shift was over half an hour ago. She'll probably be in the locker rooms. I stuff my hands in my white coat pockets and stride to the stairs. The locker rooms are only down one flight of steps so it's kind of pointless to take an elevator down there. I'm walking past a conference room when all of a sudden, like it's out of a movie, I hear the bantering of two people going back and forth…and something in my gut tells me to look in. And when I do…of course she and Peckwell are in there.
Never mind then…She's busy and I'm going back upstairs.
Jo's Point of View.
"I have to hear rumors going around the whole damn hospital that you and Karev are kissing in the tunnels? And then I have to hear you lie about it?" My back is against the wall and he's hovering over my body with both his hands on either side of me. His face is so close to mine that if he moved closer by about a half inch, our noses would be touching. I don't think I like this too much… "I knew something was up with you and him. I KNEW it." He's yelling at me like I'm his daughter and not someone he's in a relationship with. "Whose idea was it to kiss? Huh? Was it yours?"
"No Jason! Damn! How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't even kiss him! We didn't kiss, I swear. I don't know how many times I have to emphasize that point to you…" I'm really confused as to why he's yelling at me so much. Of course I know that he's pissed because he thinks that Alex and I actually kissed today and I get that. He has the right to be pissed because I AM his girlfriend (for lack of a better word) or whatever. I don't think I'd be as pissy as he is with me if I found out that he kissed another girl but Jason clearly feels differently about me. Regardless, I understand that he's angry with me for it and I understand… but where does he think he gets the right to yell at me like I'm not a grown ass woman?
"See, this is why we're never gonna work out. This is exactly why. You're LYING to me, Jo… I heard all about what happened in the tunnels." He moves his hands away from me and starts pacing around the room. "I don't know why you insist on lying to me when I already know the goddamn truth. Just fess up to it. You want to break up, don't you? You have such a fucked up view on relationships that you just want to break up with me. I know you do."
"See, now you're putting words in my mouth." I bawl my hands up into fists and squeeze them. He's REALLY starting to piss me off because he's doing two of my pet peeves. He's accusing me of doing something that I REALLY did not do and he's calling me a liar. I may lie about some things but I'm not lying about this and I can't STAND being called a liar when I'm telling the truth. "I didn't FUCKING kiss him and I never FUCKING said that I wanted to break up! STOP putting words in my mouth! I don't give a shit if you don't believe me but you're NOT gonna keep yelling at me like this and accusing me of doing something that I DIDN'T do. I'm not your goddamn child."
"No, you're NOT my child but you ARE my girlfriend and that means you're mine now…got it?" Oh come on. Just because I had sex with you one measly time doesn't mean you're entitled to be my freaking keeper. It was just sex. "Which means I don't want you kissing anybody, I don't want anybody touching you…I don't even want anybody to BREATHE on you because you're MINE. What the hell do you think a commitment means?" Commitment? We didn't make a commitment! "Two people in a committed relationship means we're committed to EACH OTHER, Jo. I'm not kissing or having sex with any other women, so why are you sleeping with and kissing other men?!"
"OH MY GOD I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! I never kissed him! We were talking and the talking got personal and that was IT. I'm telling you the TRUTH! I shouldn't have to justify myself to you, you should just trust that I'm telling the truth! You're acting like I made a sacred promise to MARRY you and I'm NOT sleeping with anybody else, let's be clear about that! I haven't slept with any—"
"Don't tell me you're getting ready to lie again." He shakes his head and chuckles which sends a chill of irritation throughout my body. I could punch his fucking teeth down his throat, that's how much that little snicker just irritated me.
"Will you let me fucking talk?! I can't get a word in edgewise with—"
"You don't need to get a word in. You were about to tell me a bold-faced damn lie to my FACE. You were about to tell me that you haven't slept with anybody else other than me which we ALL know is a damn lie. I know a virgin when I see one and I know a slut when I see one…and let's just say you're not the previous."
My jaw involuntarily drops. I can't believe he just called me a slut… "…I wasn't even going to claim to be a virgin before I met you. I wasn't gonna imply that…" I really want to kill him off right now. "I was going to say that I haven't slept with anybody BESIDES you in the last few months, you son of a bitch. But you know…since you have a problem with letting me talk!"
"I'm just saying that a virgin wouldn't let me talk her into fucking in the bathroom, that's all. So just in case you were going to try and—"
"Fuck you." I push my way past him and go to the door so I can leave because I can't be in this room with him any longer. If I remain in this room with him, I WILL end up hurting this man and I don't want to do that. I can't help but start mumbling under my breath as I prepare to go home for the night. "…Getting on my damn nerves accusing me of something I didn't do…" It's fine that he thinks I'm a slut. I seriously DON'T care that he thinks that about me. He's never getting in my pants again and that's that. I don't care if we're still dating a year from now; I'm NEVER sleeping with him again. I'll take Steph up on her offer to buy me a vibrator before I sleep with him again and I mean that.
X X X
"Are you in a better mood now?" After nearly ten whole minutes of me sitting in dead silence with the exception of my shitty little iPod playing music, Steph breaks into my room. She's asking because earlier back in the hospital, I snapped on her when she asked me about the rumor going around about me and Alex. I didn't snap on her on purpose, I was just irritated about the fact that I really wanted to kiss him and I didn't and then I was irritated about the fact that I got banned from Pediatrics. She caught me at a bad time. Now I've just gotten out of the shower half an hour ago, I ate some frozen French bread pizza for dinner so I'm not hungry and I've been listening to this new artist that Alex turned me on to, so yeah…I'm in a better mood.
I pause my music and sit up against my bed's headboard. "…Yeah." I tuck my hair behind my ear and cross my legs in preparation for her to sit down so we can talk. "Sorry about earlier…you just caught me at a bad time." I explain.
"Whatcha listenin' to?" She crawls up next to me on my bed and picks one of my headphones out of my ear. She nonchalantly unpauses the music. "Michael Buble… nice."
"Yep."
"So are you ready to talk?" She asks. I shrug my shoulders. "…What's the story about you kissing Karev in the tunnels? I've been hearing lots of shit…"
"I didn't kiss him." I bite my lip. "I wanted to…but I didn't." I slam my head back against the wall and sigh. "…He's so perfect, Steph. I just don't understand…." I realize that I didn't really get all my tears out earlier and I feel them coming back on strong right now. "You know how they always say that everyone in this world has one person that they're just…meant to be with?" I bite my lip. "What if that's him, Steph? Then what? What if he's my person? I've never felt the way I felt today…EVER. I've never felt that way before. And I feel like…he's my best friend but…" I sigh again. I can't really explain my feelings so I just won't. "…Whatever. I don't care." I shake my head. I've had a long day today. "I want to go to bed…"
"…Alright." She stands up off my bed. "But what about Chest Peckwell?"
"I said I'm going to bed, Steph."