All I can say is that I am so so very sorry that I have not updated this in so long. I had all the plans but life as it usually does, just got in the way. So this is for anyone who is still even mildly interested in this story. I hope to get the next chapter up sometime next week but I'm back to school now so I really cannot make any guarantees. So yeah this is chapter 10 and I hope you enjoy it :)

Chapter 10: The Start or the End

I sit there for a moment, trying to get over what Emily has just said. I was really going to have to work some serious magic to work my way out of this one. I decide that I can think this all through in my next class, art, my one class where I won't have Emily around invading all my senses and I can think clearly.

I walk in late to my class; I must have been sitting there longer than I had initially thought. My art teacher, just gives me that look that says don't be late again as I make my way over to the cupboard and take out my art folder. I'm lucky that I have the coolest art teacher ever, she's always open to my sometimes outrageous ideas for my art, she is a complete and utter potterhead, which she informed us of on our first day and even said that if we had a problem with that that we could all leave her class and to top it all off she was quite young and completely fit, not that I liked her, I know I want Emily but I still think that every boy and girl alike in my class were disappointed to hear that she was happily married.

I dive into my work, brainstorming new ideas for a project that we were meant to be doing. For a while my distraction worked but my mind couldn't help but stray back to my Emily predicament. I knew that I was going to have to tell her but should I do it now while things are still new or wait until we have a steadier relationship? In my gut I knew that telling her soon was the only right way forward but thinking of how much this was going to hurt her pushed the thought to the back of my mind every time. I also had a few other issues that I needed to be put to rest by Emily but to do that we needed to talk, preferably soon.

"Naomi?" I look up and see looking at me worriedly. I just look at her confused. "You've been staring at your page for the last ten minutes pretty intensely."

"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."

"Boy troubles?"

"Girl troubles actually." All I get is a knowing look.

"Well you aren't getting anything done here with your mind elsewhere so why don't you bugger off now?" I look at her incredulously. "Only if you promise me that the next time you come into my class you have this issue sorted and your mind on your work."

"That would be great and I promise I will sort myself out."

"Ok, now get out of here."

I gather up my things and head out the door. I grab my phone out of my pocket and send Emily a text asking if she'll meet me on the bleachers in ten minutes. I don't wait long for a reply.

Yeah of course I'll be right there - E x

…..

I wait anxiously for Emily to arrive. Every minute feels like a fecking hour. When I eventually hear her footsteps coming towards me I turn to find a rather breathless and quite frazzled Emily in front of me. I instantly feel my mind calm itself down, while at the same time I feel my heart beat a thousand times faster.

"What's wrong?" she asks me nervously.

I shake myself out of my daze and give her a genuine smile.

"Nothing, I just wanted to see you." Emily's smile lights up her eyes. "I also wanted to talk." A flash of fear crosses Emily's face. I need her to know not to worry so I hastily make up for being so vague. "No it's nothing serious, it's just that we didn't get the chance to talk properly today and I have some questions."

Emily makes an almost imperceptible sigh.

"What do you want to ask me?"

"Do you see us, this, as a relationship?"

Emily seems relieved by my question and sits down beside me. "Of course I see this as a relationship, well the beginning of one anyway."

"Good and I hate to ask this but I need to know, are you gay?" Emily sighs and looks away.

"I don't know what I am Naomi but I know that I want to be with you and that how I feel when I'm with you is the best feeling in the world."

"I feel the same way Em but am I just an experiment? What if you discover that this just isn't for you?"

Emily looks at me appalled and quickly leans over to take my hand.

"Naomi how could you think that of me. The fact that I don't know whether I'm gay doesn't make you an experiment. I am with you because I want to be, ok?"

"I'm sorry Ems. I trust you when you say that I swear but please just tell me that this isn't a phase and I won't question the matter again." I stare into Emily's eyes hoping that she won't be offended by what I said and see my genuine concern.

Emily stares at me right back and says confidently, "This is not a phase."

I can see the truth shining right through her eyes at me. The only response I can think of to that is to kiss her but we're out in public so I settle for squeezing her hand and a small kiss on the cheek. Emily blushes slightly and looks down at our hands.

"This is ok, isn't it?"

"I guess so, I mean no ones around right now but Naoms I'm not ready to go public."

"That's ok, I can wait. So how about we go back to mine for a bit?" Emily looks unsure.

"Do you think that wise? Won't things be awkward with Aaron? He still hasn't stopped texting me."

"Don't worry about him, he won't be home until after school and besides he still thinks that we're just friends so you have every right to be at our house." Emily smiles at that.

"Let's go then."

…..

The walk back to my house had been interesting. Emily and I had mainly walked back in silence. Our hands kept brushing against each other, whether it was by accident or not on Emily's part I don't know, but all I know is that I was definitely doing it on purpose. I cannot count the number of times that the urge to just hold her hand and not let go had overwhelmed me. So to distract myself from wanting to hold her hand, instead I would watch the side of her face as we walked. Occasionally she would catch me looking and we would either both blush and look away or hold the other's stare for a moment and smile goofily. Then I would silently reprimand myself for acting like such a complete idiot.

So by the time we had reached my house and gone up to my room neither of us had spoken in so long that it was verging on being awkward.

"So….this is my room." I say as I sit down on my bed. Emily laughs and gives me a funny look.

"Naoms I have been in your room before." Emily sits down on the bed beside me.

"I know that but not as my girlfriend." It just slipped out. I was supposed to say that in my head. I was not supposed to say it to the girl that was questioning everything about herself and was already being cautious in entering this relationship but I had and I couldn't take it back now. So I just held my breath and hoped to god that she wouldn't freak out on me.

"Am I?" Emily asks me breathlessly. I look up stunned.

"If you want to be, I mean I would like you to be, that's where I thought we were going but I just said it and I know it's fast but it feels right and we can still keep it private."

"Naomi slow down please," she looks at me and I instantly shut my stupid mouth. "I don't think I can say yes to that yet." My heart falls and I'm so embarrassed that I wish that the ground would just open up and swallow me right there and then. Emily can see how disheartened I am and she in turn looks upset. "No Naomi it's not a no. It's an I'm not quite there yet. I feel exactly how you do but I don't want to rush this. It will be a yes soon though."

I can't say that I'm not a little disappointed still but Emily did seem sincere when she said that it would be a yes soon. Emily could tell that I still wasn't over the moon with what she had said.

"Naomi look at me please." I look up into her big brown eyes. "I know that you still don't trust me so will you please just let me show you how I feel?"

I don't even get the chance to nod my affirmative before Emily leans in kisses me deeply. I can't help but gasp in surprise which in turn gives Emily the opportunity to enter my mouth. This feels so amazing and I can sense that Emily is putting everything into this kiss but I can't. Emily wants to give us a promising start and she is convinced that I don't trust her and while on some level that may be true, the main reason I'm being so weird is because I don't trust myself not to hurt her. Emily has one hand on my cheek and the other in my hair at this point as she continues to kiss me passionately.

I need to breath, I need to think sense and I need to stop this. I begin to push against Emily's shoulders and she pulls back looking confused.

"Naomi please don't be like this, I want to be with you I do! Do you think I could kiss you like that if I didn't want to be with you?"

Oh god, Emily thinks that I'm rejecting her because she said no to being my girlfriend. Shit I need to fix this but the only way to do that is to tell the truth. I jump up from my bed and begin pacing my room.

"Naomi?" Emily looks like she's about to get up to comfort me but I need some distance between us or I may never tell her.

"No Emily wait, there's something I need to tell you." Emily sits back down on the bed. "I haven't exactly been honest with you."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to start our relationship based on truth and honesty so I couldn't just sit there and let you kiss me when you don't know the truth."

"The truth about what Naomi, you're starting to freak me out a little here."

"I slept with Effy!" Whatever Emily had been expecting, it wasn't that. "I was going to tell you but I knew it would hurt you and then you said what you said at lunch but I need you to know that I only slept with her because I thought you had gotten off with my brother and I was hurt and I know that that's immature but I can't take it back now and I don't want to lose you before I've ever even had you because I want you Emily."

Emily sits there rather speechless.

"I don't really know what to say to that Naomi."

"I get it if you need time to get your head around it but I want you to know that I regret it just don't walk out on us." At this point my voice is so shrill from desperation I doubt whether or not she understood what I just said.

Emily stands up from the bed and there's a moment where I don't know whether she's going to walk to the door or to me. My question is answered when Emily makes her way to the door and steps out without looking back.

The tears begin to fall before the door has even shut.

…

Well there you have it chapter 10. If there is anyone out there who is still actually reading this, drop a review if you feel like it!

Aisling xx