A.N. Welcome to chapter 10 of my story. you did well to make it this far.
Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M.
Chapter 10: it whispered a faint "Candy...gram".
Severus Snape was not having a fun day, first when he was waking up as he went to go to the bathroom he got whacked in the face by a rake, someone had littered the floor with them again. Now he was now stuffed into a locker on the 4th floor of the school. He had been in there for several hours. As is often the case with the staff at Hogwarts they will usually prank each other though at this moment Snape wishes they had a better sense of proportion. He had been on his way to his first class of the day when he got stuffed into a sack by who he now believes was Mrs Voldsfire and ended up carried around the school for about an hour as she tried to find a locker, after realising Hogwarts didn't have any lockers she ended up transfiguring one then stuffing him, sack and all, in the locker.
The only bright side of this is it gives him some time to reflect on the recent events that have given him a headache. As head of Slytherin it is his duty to manage said students, normally he doesn't give a fuck but other teachers have gotten on his case about 2 students in particular Daphne Greengrass and Tracy Davis. One such time he was sitting doing his sudoku in the teacher's lounge when Filius Flitwick approached him and told him that said students have seemed to have teamed up and are dishing out vigilante justice in the school. Snape of course asked for proof of this. You know right after telling the charms master to go fuck himself.
Flitwick simply pointed out the window where he saw the two students in question in the middle of a fight with the Hogwarts greasers gang. Snape decided that he would have to have a word with the two of them when greaser leader Johnny Zuko came crashing through the staff room window tearing his leather jacket with his slicked back hair a mess due to receiving a particularly awesome haymaker. Johnny then picked himself up and combed his hair as Flitwick and Snape admired his jacket. With a double finger snap he dove back into the fray. Only for him crash through another window a few minutes later.
The chat didn't exactly go as planned. Daphne has a mean right hook and frankly Snape is a little scared of Tracy or rather her steel bat which has recently been classified as a rank 7 magical artifact.
Snape mused idly on the other gripe he was having, not noticing that the locker was slowly being moved while someone giggled, the students were asking for him to lead the dancing club again. Hell he didn't have time for that all he wants to do most days is sit in his room and get a good sweat on. He had already agreed to run the arts and crafts club which Potter is currently ruining by being there and he of course he agreed to run the bakery club he makes the best cupcakes after all (the secrets in the frosting). He did not want to run anything else he was running 2 clubs one of which is twice a week. The other staff only run one club, like Flitwick's go-kart derby, get one of them to waste their evenings. Snape had more important things to think about like how much he hates Harry Potter.
Harry was leaning on a railing on the second floor people watching as they go up the stairs just counting the hours until he can go back to bed. Both Luna and Crabbe are very cuddly so that has made him feel somewhat better. As he watched several students get hit by a locker (which he never knew they had at Hogwarts) that had barely missed him and was crashing down the staircase with what sounds like the muffled screams of one Severus Snape. He thought about life and tried to garner meaning. For some you will just wander aimlessly for others you will chase a goal like Krum who was often seen recently exercising like a motherfucker. He is in the hall now actually, rather he is doing one-handed pull ups from the top of the door frame. Someone able to do one-handed pull ups is impressive enough but factor in that the great hall doorway is about 30 foot high and the stonework is smooth as anything it begs the valid question of how the hell did he get up there. People only noticed because they could hear his new training mantra of 'kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit' over and over. All the while 80s montage music plays from Karkaroff's boombox.
Why was Harry contemplating life? Other than you know what I have put him through. Well recently Harry has noticed several attempts on his life, outside the day-to-day Hogwarts injuries of course. The way he figures it, there are now 2 people out to take his life, the first being Mrs Voldsfire but she only really does it half heartedly at the moment. The second Harry has no clue who it is. Although it's been a recent thing it has met as much success as any other attempt though at least whoever this is has not yet revealed themselves.
Harry's thoughts turned to the next task which will be in the next couple of days as he watched several members of Flitwick's go-kart club drive through the hallway then followed by a flying blue tortoiseshell and the sound of an explosion in the distance. Little did he know that on the next floor up looking directly at him was a sinister figure. Watching over him his paper plate face covered with a look of loathing and a fake mustache giving one last sneer before fading into the dark.
The day of the task came round and the group were waiting by an area of the grounds they have never seen before.
Dumbledore burst out of a giant cake that had sat by what looked like a poorly drawn start line. "Good day contestants I trust you are well" He said with a jovial tone "Today we will be testing your ability to explore the unknown" He said adding a tone of mystery "You must find your way to the goal line, but to do so you must first cross Filches bridge of doom! Then you must traverse the Jungle of Horror! And finally make it through the Lava pits of certain death" The crowd whooped and Harry wondered why these places are within walking distance of a school for children.
The contestants all walked up to the bridge which was a rickety piece of shit and Draco decided to go in first "Why is it called Filches bridge of Doom?" he wondered aloud as he took his first step on the bridge. No sooner had the words left Draco's mouth he was suddenly struck in the face by a cannonball. "Dammit!" Came a yell from Filch "Cannons jammed wait there for a second" He called to the other contestants. "Hey I said wait!" he yelled as the rest of the group ran across the bridge as he struggled to fix the cannon. "God damn it" He swore after they all disappeared into the jungle.
The team wandered the Jungle of Terror and jumped at every noise, any wildlife that came too close got a steelbat to the face. Tracy does well in care of magical creatures, Hagrid has never seen someone commit acts of wanton animal violence like that since he was a kid. "Anyone seen Luna?" Susan asked as a member the group seemed to have gone missing. She was found not too much time later riding on the back of, for all appearances, a flying bright blue elephant with wings (which were way too small for its body) screaming "I am the queen of everything!".
Draco was stumbling through the jungle extremely dizzy after his encounter with Filches cannonball. He eventually stumbled on a group of gorillas. Now as this is a magical jungle so these are of course magical gorillas. What makes them magical? Well the gorillas in this particular jungle take on the form and personalities of WWF wrestlers dead ones live ones doesn't matter and spend all day wrestling. Draco tried to subtly leave but he was quickly spotted by a pair of them. One who had a handlebar moustache who keeps ripping off his shirt with those 48 inch pythons and one who had sunglasses and a black beard and was currently snapping into a slim jim.
So Draco ended up in a ladder match against the gorilla mega powers. He lost badly I mean it was brutal all the while a third gorilla commentated. It was mainly grunts but they are gorillas don't expect too great a grasp of the spoken word. Draco had thought he was safe as he saw the form of Hagrid doing the arm swinging stride towards the ring. Had he paid a bit more attention to Hagrid he would have noticed the black and white referee shirt and known he was only there to officiate.
Harry and his group had made it through the jungle thanks to Luna's new friend turns out he was a heffalump and an all round nice guy. The group all waved goodbye to him with the only exception of Crabbe who eyed the heffalump warily as it left, once more falling upon Nana Crabbe's advice. He misses her bless him. To this day he has never heard anyone who can play the steel drums like her.
As they crossed the bridges through the lava pits Harry was lagging behind as he often does in this competition. The bridge broke and Harry fell. He stood stuck on a single sinking rock. Harry closed his eyes and although it wasnt how he wanted to go he took some solace in the fact he had at least made out with Cedric. Harry felt himself being lifted into the air and launched through into the sky. He opened his eyes as he crashed on the ground next to his team "What happened?" he asked. Looking over the ledge he saw the smiling form of Crabbe sinking into the lava. "Crabbe!" he yelled as his teammates entire body submerged only his hand remained above which turned into a thumbs up as it went under the molten waves.
Harry stared in shock as Tracy shook her head "At least he remembered to cast the lava repellent spell" She said "You guys go on ahead I'll go get him before the lava sharks eat him" as the team could hear the calls of said sharks approaching (it sounds like a chorus of people saying 'candygram'). Also it had always been a dream of Tracy's to fight a bunch of lava sharks plus Team 1 would still win anyways. Before diving off after Crabbe Tracy dragged Harry to his feet and pulled him into a deep kiss. Harry would have enjoyed it if she wasnt punching him in the ribs with her other hand. "For luck" she said before charging and diving off the cliff.
As they walked away they could see the occasional giant lava shark fly into the air. One shark landed in front of them and as it slowly closed its eyes it whispered a faint "Candy...gram".
The 3 remaining members made their way to the goal line, well it's more like Luna and Susan did and they were dragging Harry by his legs as after Tracy made out with him he just lay down on the ground. First because he was still in shock about Crabbe and second his ribs hurt. As they crossed the goal fireworks went off "Congratulations you 3 have made the final" Dumbledore praised "what!?" came the unified shout "You never said anything about it being for the final" Dumbledore looked confused for a second "I knew I forgot something" he then shrugged. Over the ledge came the form of Tracy pushing a giant stone statue of Crabbe still in a thumbs up position. Tracy handed out some lava shark tooth necklaces she had made once she met up with the group.
Dumbledore asked one of the ministry workers to break the news to Tracy about being eliminated, the worker later ended up in intensive care.
Draco was found with every bone broken in his body sadly since these are magical gorilla injuries they could not be healed quickly. It would be safe to say Draco was also not in the running for Gorilla Summerslam. Also Hagrid is not a good referee, he kept getting distracted.
At the feast to celebrate the finalists Dumbledore stood tall to make his announcement "There is an important announcement to make" Dumbledore called as the crowd went silent "But first we have to discuss the elephant in the room. Miss Lovegood" he said eyes turning to Luna "Just what is that thing?" Luna smiled "This is Howard the Heffalump" She said motioning the creature eating a giant plate of fruit in the middle of the hall. "Say hello Howard" she said. Howard said hello by punching Dumbledore in the face with his trunk. No one knows where he got the boxing glove.
After staggering to his feet Dumbledore decided to finish his announcement and go lay down. "Anyways before the final, we will have a special event, a mêlée if you will, between all contestants previously eliminated" The crowd murmured "since we have prizes for the top 8 contestants so 5 of you will win a prize".
Meanwhile
In the palace of the tyrant Viseg the sounds of blow after blow resounded throughout the hall. Fleur stood breathing heavily with a single trickle of blood running from her mouth. Her opponent the 9 foot tall master of Mars who runs his planet with an iron fist stood shaking from exhaustion. The 2 fighters charged at each other fists primed and ready, ducking under his mighty swing Fleur landed a strong blow to the aliens stomach blowing a hole through his space armor and causing him to collapse to the floor. A riot of cheers broke out as the Martian rebels watching saw the monster who had ruled them for a millenia finally fall. It was then Fleur noticed a barn owl wearing a space helmet drop off a letter for her looking rather tired. Reading the letter she knew it was time to return.
Susan, Luna and Harry were all sat in the hall as the celebration died down Luna turned with a serious look on her face "So this is it we have worked together but now we are enemies there shall be no quarter for either of you" She said Susan nodded in agreement and Harry just ignored her there was a small moment of silence before Susan spoke "So see you in Harry's bed later?" Luna nodded "Ya". She then called over the others who normally sleep in Harry's bed and told Howard thats where he would be sleeping from now on thats when Harry came to "Wait what?". Harry sighed then he watched Tracy hit the Crabbe statue with her bat shattering it to pieces freeing him from his stoney prison.
Harry was wandering the halls on his own ignoring the celebrations going on around him and the greasers hassling a first year. They just kept combing their hair and snapping their fingers the poor firstie had no idea what to do. It was after the moment the fist and bat of Daphne and Tracy connected with the greasers Harry noticed that day's issue of the Daily Prophet hit his shoe. Bending over to pick up the paper (not noticing a dagger fly over his head in another failed assassination) he glanced over the front page his heart pounding.
The headline read 'Sirius Black seen in Hogsmeade' And the picture was of course of Sirius shirtless chopping wood. Harry stood in shock reading the page over and over only taking a step back to avoid a fast-moving Daphne who was carrying a screaming greaser on her shoulder like a piece of wood as she charged towards the nearest wall.
Harry let out his feelings as the unconscious body of the greaser who was just smashed face first into the wall fell next to him.
"Fuck!"
A.N. For me personally the idea of greasers at Hogwarts is one of my favourite things ever add in some comically over the top violence and I almost missed my schedule for posting this. As always thanks a bunch and if you have a spare moment r&r. Next time an old flame rekindled and all out wizard on wizard fighting.
Did you know the Harry Potter films seem to really hate women? No seriously watch those movies closely barring Hermione and Ginny most others of the female persuasion get killed injured badly or made out to be a bitch or crazy.