Chapter Nine

"I hope you've been liking it a lot better here than at your old house," Alice said as she smoothed out the sheet on Renesmee's new bed. Instead of moving Renesmee's old things from the cottage, they had just started over. It was long past time for Renesmee to grow up and move on, even from her parents. And even though she was just moving in with her aunts and uncles and grandparents, she was still moving on.

"I have," Renesmee replied. "It's good to move on." Maybe I can move on from Jacob, too.

Renesmee had been keeping track, and today was now day fifteen of Jacob being gone. She knew he wouldn't be back. Given two weeks, maybe he wouldn't even recognize her if he was to come back. Renesmee knew it had to hurt him, though; his love for her had to be somewhere in his DNA. But it hurt her, too, and with every passing day, she felt herself moving on little by little only to hear a vehicle pull up near the house, excitedly run up to the window overlooking the driveway, and fall disappointed to discover that it was not Jacob who was there. He had her looking absolutely crazy. Completely obsessive. He constantly haunted her, and there was nothing she could do about it but keep trying to move on.

Two weeks was a really long time for Renesmee.

Today was day fifteen, though, as well as Renesmee's birthday. She wouldn't have noticed too much if Alice hadn't showered her with hugs and gifts the second she woke up. Everybody treated Renesmee like a child, as if celebrating her birthday was a big deal. She wasn't like her mother, who would become nearly physically violent with whoever mentioned her aging back when she was human, but it wasn't something to be hyped about, especially at Renesmee's age.

Renesmee was a hundred and ten years old today. She had known Jacob for a hundred and ten years. Within a hundred and ten years, cars were adapted to be no longer powered by gasoline, there had been colonies started on Mars, and major body parts had started to be grown in labs. Jacob was by Renesmee's side for all of it - they'd seen it all. And now he was gone. Two weeks gone and pulled out of her incisor. Even though he still had to love her due to some scientific reason, she had the feeling that he wasn't thinking about her.

Because she had a party waiting for her downstairs, Renesmee took extra long to make sure her new room was perfectly in order. It was Alice who practically dragged her to the staircase. When Renesmee was halfway down, she glanced across the room, which was decked out in pink and white decorations. (She'd grown out of the color pink about a hundred years ago. Her actual favorite color was yellow.) Also, everybody was dressed up nicer than usual, like today wasn't an ordinary day. Even her parents were at the party, standing near the piano with smiles on their faces. She hadn't seen them since she moved out of the cottage. She was good at ignoring them, and they were good at being scared.

Everybody was here, but nobody important was here.

Clad in a pretty green dress, Renesmee walked down the rest of the stairs and was bombarded with "happy birthdays" and "I love yous." All filler words. The tension in the air was thick, and the veils that her family wore were thin. Everybody wanted to know something: Why has nobody been looking for Jacob? Who the hell just doesn't interact to their own daughter for a week? It was the most awkward party Renesmee had ever attended.

While she was still angry, Renesmee had missed her parents. She briefly hugged Edward, who needed to shave, and then held onto her mother for what felt like forever, her face buried in Bella's shoulder.

"I missed you, baby," Bella said into her daughter's ear.

"I missed you, too, Mom. A lot."

"Are you enjoying your birthday so far?"

"I don't know, Mom."

"Just know that I love you," Bella told Renesmee. "More than my own life."

Bella and Edward were prone to saying deep things at fairly casual settings, but before she even realized it, tears were flowing from Renesmee's eyes. She sniffled, hoping Bella wouldn't mind that she got tears on her beautiful white dress.

Once Renesmee pulled herself together the best that she could, looked back to her mother, and smiled. "How are you?" she asked.

"I'm doing well," Bella said, and she wasn't lying. Over the past two weeks, she had become less resentful. She learned that the less she spoke, the more she calmed down. The cottage had been quiet; Bella and Edward weren't partners anymore as much as they were roommates. That wasn't exactly new, however.

"I'm glad," Renesmee replied with a tinge of jealousy. She shifted her attitude before it got the best of her, a trait that she had gotten from her mother. "You know, your birthday's in only a couple of days," she reminded Bella.

Bella rolled her eyes and laughed. "Don't even get me started," she said with a wave of her hand.

"Do you have any plans?" Renesmee asked politely.

"A surprise party here seems to be the protocol," Bella said. "As usual."

Renesmee scanned the living room, filled with mingling vampires (plus her father, Rosalie, and Emmett). It was like something out of an upper class lifestyle magazine. Rich White People Weekly. What could they possibly have to talk about? Surely, the humans had somewhat interesting things to fill everyone in on, but what else was there? Jasper and Alice were going to visit Paris next week, but they did that nearly every other month, anyway. Rosalie and Emmett had just found "the most perfect house" in Port Townsend, but Rosalie was picky. The most perfect house today would be old news next week. Renesmee didn't get it. Everybody in the house was so vapid and so very vacuous. Renesmee really wished she had actual friends right now. Friends who could offer stimulating conversation that didn't involve house restoration or shopping trips. Just people who didn't have the characteristics of socialites.

"As usual," Renesmee agreed with her mother. "It's a shame you don't like pink that much. We could just reuse all these decorations." And stop associating all of these pink things with me.

"Alice would never allow it," Bella said with a smile.

"Of course not."

"Excuse me." Alice was suddenly at Renesmee's side, and had her cool hands on her forearms. She started to turn Renesmee away from Bella and slowly walk her through the living room and to the kitchen. Renesmee looked back at Bella with a surprised expression, mouthing, What's going on? Bella just smiled.

"Why do you feel the need to be so physical?" Renesmee asked.

"I don't feel the need at all, but I have a present for you," Alice said.

"Aunt Alice, you've already given me so much," Renesmee said courteously. "A completely furnished new room, a new wardrobe and shoes… what else could you possibly have for me?"

They walked past the kitchen and towards the garage entrance. "Oh, just a little something for my favorite niece," Alice said sweetly. "I think you'll like this the best."

"Oh, really, now?"

"Really."

Alice opened the door to the garage, which was pitch black. Clearly, Renesmee was about to receive a new car.

"What happened to my old car?" Renesmee asked.

"Nothing," Alice said curtly. Then she commanded, "Jacob."

Alice flicked on the light switch, and Jacob walked towards Renesmee, wearing a white shirt and silver tie with charcoal pants, holding a bouquet of yellow tulips. His hair was freshly cut, and his face was freshly shaven. He looked entirely put together, except his eyes were tired. He didn't look drunk; just tired. But his smile was as genuine and white as ever.

"Happy birthday, Ness."

Alice went back to the party and closed the door.

Renesmee simultaneously fell to pieces and became whole.

She didn't speak to him until they were in the garage. By this point, she really did hate the place. She didn't hate Jacob, though. He wasn't as hateful as he was confusing, but he couldn't help it.

In the garage, where nothing but the alcohol and gun had been touched, Renesmee pulled a plastic chair from a corner and dragged it to the center of the room. Jacob got another chair and did the same.

She asked the most basic question first. "When did you get back?"

His voice was even tired. "Last night, around midnight."

"I was awake around midnight," she said. "Where were you between then and just now, at my party?"

He shook his head. "Ness, it's not-"

"Important?" she demanded. "How in the hell would that not be important? Jake, you can't lie to me. Not now. Not again."

"Okay," he said. He said "okay" again, but firmly.

"So where were you?" she asked again like the demanding, untrusting girlfriend.

"Alice found me last night, actually. She made me stay in a hotel that night and get cleaned up the next day. She wanted me to come back home on your birthday."

"So she staged everything, right? That is so like her, making a big show out of everything."

"I wouldn't say she did that," he said. "I just happened to be home the day before - well, the day of - your birthday."

"Why did you even come back?" Renesmee's tone was biting.

"Two weeks is a really long time," Jacob murmured.

"You could have stayed gone, though," she said, "if that was what you really wanted. I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't get my little feelings hurt."

"You don't have to lie to me," he told her.

She held her tongue. He stared past her, at the garage exit.

"Were you going to kill yourself?" she asked quietly.

His gaze stayed the same. "I think we both know the answer to that one."

"And when you weren't sure about when to do it, when you felt like staying alive for just a little while, you drank, right?"

He nodded.

"And instead of going to therapy, you were getting wasted in here or running off, either already wasted or planning to get wasted?"

"You've got me all figured out."

She nodded. "Almost."

"What else do you need to know to have me fully cracked, Ness?"

"I need to know why. Why you felt the need to get drunk off your ass or try to kill yourself."

He took a moment to think. "It's not that simple," he replied. "It didn't just happen last month. It's been building up for years. And.-" He stopped himself. "I am just so sorry."

"No," she said. "Stop being sorry just for today. Just tell me. You already know how I feel, and I feel horrible. I need to know how you feel, Jake."

"Renesmee, I love you. I love you so, so much, but I've been suffering. You'll never fully know how I feel because you've never had to go to every one of your friend's funerals. You'll never have to be disconnected from your family and straight up lose yourself. Ness, you'll never be just as fucked up as I am, which is a good thing, but you'll just never get it. Not because you're young or this or that or whatever, but because you'll never be there. Thank God you'll never be where I am, but I've been this way for a long time and there's no resolution for it but suicide.

I'm glad to have imprinted on you - I really, really am - but let's be real: this magic bullshit does not heal everything. I'm living, breathing proof of that. The sooner you stop believing the imprint will mend every issue I've ever had, the easier it will be for you to say goodbye. And I don't want to say goodbye, Renesmee, but I don't want to suffer anymore. The more I suffer, the more you suffer, and that kills me. You're not the reason why I'm like this, though; imprinting is. You're one of the best things to ever happen to me, but I just… I just wish this - we - happened the normal way. You know what I mean? I still love you, but I'm gonna have to be selfish for a little while so you can live. Honey, I want you to live. I love you, and I want you to live."

Renesmee sat motionless. Her reactions came in waves; sometimes she felt nothing, but other times she felt everything. She could have sat there for seconds or days. There was no way to tell.

"We are so fucking stuck," she said. Her eyes fell on his, and tears had just escaped his brown pools, dripping down his lips, off his chin, and onto his shirt. She couldn't find herself wanting to cry with him, though, and not because she was selfish; she was merely all out of tears.

"I know," he whispered.

She stood up and closed the space between him, wrapping her arms around his head. His face was at her chest and his hands were at the small of her back. He breathed her in deeply. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.

"Live with me," she told him. "For now."

He pointed his head up and met his lips with hers, wet and salty meeting dry and sweet. He held her there, still, and she blushed so much that for a second, she thought she was on fire. She opened her mouth and gasped before kissing him back with equal amounts of certainty and uncertainty.

She straddled him to get even closer and then tossed her bronze waves over her shoulder. Renesmee rolled her hips and moaned when Jacob cupped her pert ass with his hands, and she was nearly positive that she was on fire. She was practically in hell.

Much to her own surprise, though, neither of them did anything to alter it. They simply burned.

Four days later, Renesmee placed four pills - two yellow, one blue, and one white - down in front of Jacob, next to his glass of water and dinner plate. She smiled at him sheepishly, hoping he'd be a good sport about his new medication routine. This time, Carlisle prescribed it, and Carlisle was a genius so it was a given that Jacob's new medication would be even a little effective.

Since Jacob came home, he had fallen apart and picked himself back up again the best that he could. Renesmee had done the same. And while he was still haunted, adapting to the real world again - the world outside his head - wasn't very difficult anymore. He was doing so well that Renesmee could cry, but she got her hopes up so easily. Even though she and Jacob had been mostly honest with each other since he returned, she was still easy at accepting lies much better than the truth, and the truth was that Jacob just might not change no matter their efforts, but they could try just a little bit, for the hell of it. Her father had once tried something new for the hell of it, and he was now happier than ever.

Jacob smiled back at Renesmee, graciously accepting the little chances of happiness. "Thanks, Ness," he said.

She nodded, proud of them both. She was doing the right thing, being the right girlfriend. It was a lot less I love you enough that I'll help your crazy ass stop being so fucking crazy and a lot more Baby, I love your crazy ass no matter what.

Left without any real solutions besides Carlisle's impermanent help, they had fallen into not thinking about the future and simply living. Stripped of morals, right and wrong were no longer real for Jacob and Renesmee. Those terms didn't matter. They were going to live. They were being pretty fake about it all, but they were living nonetheless.

With more pride than necessary, Renesmee reflected on what he had said to her the day after her birthday.

"I need something from you," Jacob had said, "if we're gonna make this work." (What was this? She had no idea.)

"Anything."

"I need you to be my best friend more than my girlfriend right now, okay?"

It was so like him to say confusing things like this right after they had made out and nearly had sex in his garage. "Jake, of course."

"Thank you." His voice had been icy, stoic.

"You consider me your girlfriend?" she'd asked.

He didn't have to hesitate. "Yes."

"I'll be your best friend, then," she'd promised him. "For now."

A warm smile had spread across his face, and it was real.. "Thank you."

She'd pulled him into a hug so tight that it wasn't meant for letting go. "Don't thank me," she'd whispered. "I should have done this a long time ago."

Now she was doing the right thing. They both were. Three days had passed, and they were back at it, whatever it was. All she knew was that he wasn't going to kill himself. He was going to live.

She just wished the past three days didn't haunt her so much. Everything would just be so much more believable if they didn't.

A/N: Thank you for your patience and attention as usual. Feedback is always appreciated.

Until the next update,

HS