Chapter 10~Only In My Dreams
Take a breath Sometimes I wish I could save you
I
pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the
door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I
wish that I could tell you something
To take it all
away
And there're so many
things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If
it takes you forever I want you to know
EPOV
The door creaked gently as it slowly opened from my gentle push. Her blood sang to me louder than it ever had before as I stepped inside and closed my eyes. I dropped to my knees in an effort to restrain my desires and minimize the burning in my throat, allowing Bella's scent to cascade over me wave after wave. I kept my eyes shut trying to brace myself before I made my way over to Bella.
My Bella.
The burning in my throat sizzled to a low boil as my heart seemed to burst with excitement and longing, knowing it was mere feet away from its other half.
Slowly opening my eyes, I rested them upon the sleeping form of my heart's desire. The moonlight caused her skin to shimmer in shades of blue and silver. She was turned away from me, and I watched the light dance along the exposed skin of her back and shoulder, flickering and twinkling all the way up her neck until it disappeared underneath the locks of her brown hair. The waves of dark chocolate were sprawled across her pillow creating their own paths of destination.
Rising from my knees and moving towards her, I took in every feature. The way the sheets fell and folded across her body, the way the moonlight illuminated her curves, the way one foot was poking out from underneath the covers, the steady rise and fall of her chest…
I was looking down upon her directly now, seeing her face for the first time. The blues and silvers from the moonlight continued the dance across her skin, highlighting the soft features of her face. Her eyelashes intermingled with the flickers of light, casting thin, dark, shadows below her eyes stretching out over her cheeks. The pink of her lips stood out among the silvery blue glow and they were parted slightly letting out delicate wisps of air.
Inhaling deeply, I leaned in closer, skimming my nose across her jaw as closely as I could without touching her.
"Bella," I whispered too softly for her to hear, my breath lightly blowing against her cheek.
"Edward?" She whispered.
Quickly moving my gaze to her eyes, I saw that she was still sleeping. She was dreaming about me. There was a soft smile playing on her lips. Alice was right, Bella still loved me.
"You always did talk in your sleep, love." Her nose scrunched up ever so slightly, and I went to delicately kiss her forehead, when she abruptly jerked in her sleep. She was now laying flat on her back shaking her head back and forth.
"You don't understand," she mumbled as I noticed that her breathing was becoming irregular and chill bumps were forming on her arms. I tugged the bottom of her sheets to cover her exposed foot, and pulled them up to her neck, tucking her in. Her body jolted and she threw the sheets off of her.
"He did love me." Her teeth were clenched as she brought her arms up and rubbed her face in her hands. I realized she was having a nightmare and I moved closer to her in an attempt to wake her up.
My lips were inches from hers when she cried out, "Leave me alone!"
"Bella?" I could hear the anguish of my heart reflected in my voice. She opened her mouth, her face contorted in pain. "Bella…please…wake up," I pleaded.
"Edward!" She called out in agony. Grabbing her arms trying to wake her from her nightmare, I stared intently at her face, cursing the fact that I couldn't read her mind.
"What did you do to him?" She whimpered in my arms. Releasing my light grip on her, I began humming her lullaby, and started to stroke her cheek in an attempt to soothe her. As soon as my fingers touched her warm skin, she recoiled from the touch, tears streaming down her face.
"Please don't hurt him. Don't hurt me. Edward…" She was speaking to me. I immediately withdrew my hands from her face. She was dreaming about me.
The nightmare was about me.
Looking down, the moonlight was shining on her hand, causing the scar James had left to glow eerily.
"The fire! Someone stop the fire!" Bella was twisting in agony, covered in blood. I looked down at her hands and saw the bite. Everything stopped in that instant.
"Carlisle! Her hand!"
"He bit her." Carlisle confirmed my fear. I looked into my love's face as it twisted in pain, her hair was matted with blood, and it flowed down her face, across her closed eyes.
My Bella. I felt myself let out a defeated sob. I had failed her. I had caused her pain.
Backing away from the bed in horror, I realized that I had done nothing but cause her pain. I should have never come here. Bella was scared of me. Why had I listened to Alice? I needed to let Bella go, let her live a happy and safe life, free from all the pain I would inflict on her.
I was a monster.
I took one last look at Bella. She was still whimpering as tears continued to flow down her face, dripping onto her pillow. My eye's burned in pain, begging to feel the relief of tears as my bottom lip quivered uncontrollably at the sight of my love writhing in her bed.
Bella was now panting heavily, thrashing her arms wildly. Her heart was beating unhealthily fast and her blood was pumping violently.
Hurrying to her side, I lightly kissed her lips one last time. "Wake up!" I called to her in desperation. Her eyes fluttered, and I caught a quick glimpse of the brown underneath her eyelid before I rushed out of her bedroom. I waited in the hallway until I heard her breathing and heartbeat slowly return to normal. The weight of the bed shifted as I heard her feet hit the floor. She was awake. With that knowledge I sped out of the house and into my car, throwing the Volvo in gear and slamming down on the gas, ignoring the vibrating phone in my pocket.
BPOV
I watched the sunlight dance across the sky as I lay on my back. The winds were blowing around me, singing my lullaby; the notes echoed throughout the forest surrounding the meadow.
This was our meadow.
Breathing in the fresh scent of the forest I noticed a new scent around me. It was sweet, delicious…my mouth began to water from the coolness of it. I knew that smell.
Edward.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in deeply trying to drown myself in his scent.
"Edward?" I whispered silently.
"You always did talk in your sleep my love." His velvet voice filled my ears, harmonizing with my lullaby.
I was sleeping? But he sounded and smelled so real. Sitting up, I looked around the meadow only to find myself alone. He was only in my dreams.
"He did fight for you, right, Bella?" The meadow unexpectedly disappeared as Jacob's voice echoed in my mind.
I was suddenly running through the forest searching for something.
The meadow. Our meadow. Where was it? Why did it disappear? Why couldn't I find it?
Tree branches whipped across my face as I ran, frantically searching for it, searching for Edward.
"You're a horrible liar Bella; I'm sure he saw right through it." Jacob's voice echoed through the trees again as I continued running.
"You don't understand," I shouted back. Faster. I needed to be faster. A stitch in my side was growing rapidly and I was struggling to breath as I ran faster and faster. I felt my foot get caught on the root of a tree, sending my body slamming onto the ground. I had tried to brace the fall with my arms but they had buckled underneath the weight and my face plunged into a puddle of mud.
"He did fight for you, right, Bella? If he loved you, I'm sure he did."
"He did love me," I spit out, pulling myself out of the mud. Jacob didn't know. He didn't understand. If I could just find the meadow he would understand. He would know that Edward loved me.
Wiping mud out of my eyes, I looked around trying to decide which way to go. Jacob was casually leaning against a tree looked at me with an amused expression.
"You're a horrible liar, Bella."
"Leave me alone!" I screamed and broke off into a run again searching for the meadow. I should have found it by now. Edward was probably there waiting for me, he would come find me soon. He would realize I was lost.
"Bella?" His velvet voice reached my ears again, but this time it was dripping in anguish. I spun around searching for him when I suddenly came face to face with a pair of crimson eyes.
James.
I opened my mouth trying to scream for help but no sound came out. Slowly backing away I heard Edward's heartbreaking plea again.
"Bella…please…wake up." I looked over James' shoulder and saw my Edward on the ground begging with me.
"Edward!" I went to go to him when James grabbed my arms, his icy grip stopping me dead in my tracks. "What did you do to him?" I whimpered, unable to move my eyes from Edward's. He was twisting in agony, his eyes drenched in pain.
James released me from my grip as the winds began playing my lullaby again. He grinned sinisterly while he reached out, stroking my cheek. Flinching from the feel of his skin against mine, I felt tears rush down my face.
"Please don't hurt him. Don't hurt me," I begged of James and turned from the crimson eyes back to the sight of my love on the ground. "Edward…"
James was walking towards me again, and I turned to run, but he caught me by the waist, pulling my body against his.
"Where do you think you're going, dear Bella?" He whispered in my ear. The tears were flowing profusely now as I tried to wiggle away from his grasp.
His body shook with laughter as one of his hands slowly crept up my chest, finding its way to my neck. Using his other arm, he twisted me around to face him and pulled me closer. Tightening his grip on my neck, he jerked it back roughly as I shut my eyes trying to escape from the murderous glare in his red eyes. Feeling his icy lips brush against mine, my entire body cringed in disgust, causing bile to rise up into my mouth.
"Wake up!" Edward's voice boomed, the force of it pushing James away from me as the forest vanished.
Edward's face swam in front of me for a brief instant as I slowly blinked, trying to take in my surroundings. The images from my nightmare came rushing back to me as I forced the bile back down my throat. I pressed the palm of my hands forcefully against my eyes, trying to rid myself of the glaring crimson that burned in the back of my eyelids. Opening my eyes a few minutes later, I noticed that my sheets and pajamas were soaked in sweat. I slowly crawled out of bed to change them, and shivered when my feet hit the cold floor, sending reminders up and down my spine of James' icy grip.
There was a light scent wafting in the air that I could almost recognize. Taking in a big whiff, I decided that it was all in my head. He couldn't be here. Edward wouldn't be here…unless…unless Jacob was right, and Edward had seen right through me.
"But you're a horrible liar Bella. I'm sure he saw right through it."
I froze. The night air was smothering me as my vision faded to black. Alice's voice swirled in my ear, "Bella…tell me the truth…I know it's not because you're scared…" She knew that I was lying to her. She could always tell when I was lying. So could Edward.
"Bella?" Jacob's voice broke through the darkness as Phoenix came back into view. Gasping for air I tried unsuccessfully to find an answer.
"He…I…he…," I incoherently muttered while trying to get a grip on myself. Edward knows when I lie to him. He knew I was lying to him.
Maybe Edward had come to get me. To tell me I never should have left, that my reasoning was crazy and didn't make any sense.
Glancing around in the darkness, I timidly opened my mouth and whispered, "Edward?"
"Edward?" I called out again, this time I little bit louder.
Silence.
Cursing myself for being so stupid as to think he was actually here, I grabbed a fresh pair of pajamas and changed into them.
"He did fight for you, right, Bella? If he loved you, I'm sure he did."
Jacob's words rang in my head over and over again. If he loved you… ifhe loved you.
If.
Did Edward love me? Had it all been in my head?
No. That was absurd. Edward loved me. He told me he loved me.
Shaking off my thoughts, I tore the sheets off my bed, and gathered them together with the sweaty pajamas to carry them to the laundry room.
Heading for my bedroom door, I noticed it was wide open, but then realized that Jacob had probably left it that way. Walking past it, however, I become aware of the fact that the door handle was missing. I was unable to come up for an explanation for that one. Still focusing on the hole where the handle should be, I backed out of the doorway and stepped on something hard causing me to lose my balance and fly backwards. I landed on the floor with the sheets piled on top of me and foot throbbing.
Shoving the sheets off, I clutched my foot and looked around for the culprit. The door handle. It was lying in front of my bedroom on the floor, noticeably bent out of shape. That was odd. Had Jacob broken it?
Getting to my feet, I decided I would think about it more in the morning, and gathered up the sheets and the door handle and continued to the laundry room.
Throwing the sheets on the floor with the rest of the laundry, and placing the door handle on top of the dryer, I grabbed a blanket from the linen closet. I was too tired to make the bed and decided to just sleep on the couch for the rest of the night.
I made my way into the kitchen to grab a drink of water before going back to sleep, and I noticed the hot chocolate mugs drying on the counter.
His hands cupped my cheek and brought my face upward to meet his. His thumb accidently rubbed against my lower lip and he quickly withdrew his hand. "Bella, if I upset you I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to. I just wanted to know more about you…" We were standing just outside my front door.
"It's not your fault. I just…I just…it's been rough."
"Do you have any hot chocolate?"
"What?"
"Hot chocolate. My dad would always give me hot chocolate when I was upset about something. He'd also add a shot of some random alcohol we had laying around the house to help me sleep." My stomached turned at the mention of alcohol as I recalled my last encounter with it. Jacob must have noticed my nauseous face. "We can always leave out the alcohol."
"I think that would be a good idea," I replied as he chuckled softly and led me inside.
Finishing my glass of water, I headed to the living room and nestled into the couch, wrapping the blanket tight round me. I silently thanked my lucky stars for having Jacob as a friend. He was always listening when I needed him to, being quiet when I needed him to, and always finding a way to make me laugh. I chuckled quietly to myself as I recalled Jacob's stories he had told me earlier that evening.
I was in my pajamas and giggling wildly, listening to Jacob tell me stories of when he was younger. My favorite so far was when he went on vacation to a beach in Washington and was dared to go cliff-diving.
"So there I was, standing on the top of the cliff while my buddies were all yelling at me to jump." He was standing up on the couch with his arms outstretched dramatically, while I hung on every word.
"Did you do it?" I asked from my place sitting on the living room floor below him.
"I took one step closer to the edge," he stuck one foot out over the edge of the couch, swinging his arms about trying to retain balance, "and then I looked down."
"And?"
"I peed my pants." I laughed wildly, almost spilling what was left of my hot chocolate as I rolled backward onto the floor laughing. He jumped from the couch and lay down beside me, propping himself up on one elbow. His smile spread wide across his face as he waited for me to catch my breath.
"I haven't laughed like that in ages. Did you really pee your pants?"
"Yup. Granted I was only a kid…like five, six…last year…" I giggled again and stared up at the ceiling. We lay there in silence for a few minutes and I felt my eyelids begin to droop.
"You're getting tired."
"Yes," I yawned. I pushed myself up and tried to stand up, but I lost my balance and came crashing down on top of Jacob. He wrapped his arms around me as he shook in laughter before rolling me over off of him. I felt my cheek flush with warmth as I mumbled a silent sorry.
"Bells, I know you're clumsy." He chuckled as he stood up and reached his hand down for me to grab. After pulling me to my feet and sitting me on the couch, he grabbed the hot chocolate mugs and retreated to the kitchen. I meant to follow him but I was entirely too tired to move.
Before I knew what was happening, I felt his arms encircle and lift me from the couch. I tried to say something, but instead ending up mumbling something about walking.
"You feel asleep while I was cleaning the mugs Bells. I'm just taking you to your bed."
"Mmhmm."
I felt my head hit the pillow a few seconds later and sheets being pulled up over me.
"Jacob?"
"Yes?"
"I like that."
"Like what?"
"Bells."
Snuggling further into the couch I felt my eyelids get heavier as I slowly drifted off the sleep.
That if you fall,
stumble down If only I could find the answer Sometimes I wish I could save you
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith
in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't
give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be
there for you
To take it
all away
And there're so
many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's
over
If it takes you forever I want you to know