Cruel reality

Author: FOXOReily

Summary: Seven months pass after Michael left for Portland. Michael returns to Pittsburgh to spend his holiday. Brian is stuck at relationship with Justin as ever. Michael wants to talk to Brian something, but cannot easily make an opportunity. Time passes pitilessly... Sorry, there is no-beta.
Rated: R

Categories: Angst, Drama

Characters: Brian, Michael, David

Warnings: None

Completed: Yes

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Chapter 10

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They danced intimately in the same way as old days. Brian put his hands to Michael's hip and drew Michael close.

"I don't like the fucker."

"Are you talking about Brady?"

Michael asked as looking at Brian's sullen face in amusement.

"Who else is there? I don't know what kind of our information he gets from two assholes but I hate that he is acting so that he knows our connection fucking well."

Brian brought his mouth close to Michael's ear not to yield to loud music and yelled exasperatedly. Michael shivered slightly with Brian's hot breath that is grazing his ear and cheeks. That sensation accompanied always being generated when he is feeling closeness with Brian, and Michael couldn't help it.

"Actually, Brady may know us than you think."

While answering, Michael watched Brian who is taking out a popper from the pocket of his tight black jeans.

"I can't tolerate it. No-one can understand except us. Why do you like him?"

After snorting it greatly, Brian frowned and asked Michael. Brian offered Michael a popper, but Michael declined it politely.

"He is hot. Don't you think so?"

When Michael said, Brian shook his head like he was even more disgusting for answer of Michael.

"See? That's why I don't like that hunky pseudo-architect. Also he was going to get you. Or may he already have had you? Maybe you didn't tell all to me?"

"Brian, you're thinking too much. I stopped it halfway. I told the lie to neither you nor David."

Michael tried to persuade Brian as caressing Brian's nape gently. And he decided to accept a second offer from Brian unwillingly.

"Be careful."

The consideration of Brian didn't change as before. Michael snorted it carefully. Michael felt light dizziness in a sharp sensation that go through back of his head, that wasn't pain which he was used to lately.

"It's just like good old times, isn't it?"

Brian smiled fondly and said to Michael. Michael retorted teasingly as looking up at Brian's handsome face.

"You shouldn't say that. You always left me on the dance floor for some tricks. Are you going to do the same thing tonight?"

"Jesus, Mikey! Do you doubt my human nature that much? I'll never do that."

Brian said with a serious expression. Michael knew that he didn't expect it. Than say he doesn't expect it, taking prowling away from Brian wasn't Michael's intention. After all, that person is not Brian that he was fascinated.

"Aww, Brian. You don't have to do that for me."

"...You seem to doubt my faithfulness thoroughly."

"Brian, you shouldn't control your primitive desire, especially for me."

"You mean you don't want me to do it? Didn't you always expect it from your man?"

"First, you're not my man. I said it's unnecessary thing. I don't have a right to bind you. You're the Brian Kinney of the stud of the Liberty Avenue, fucks sake!"

Michael nudged Brian's shoulder lightly. He wanted to change nothing. He wanted nothing which wasn't fair for him and Brian.

"Ooookaaay, at least I don't leave you until this song is over if you say so."

Brian smiled wryly at suggestion of his own. Michael nodded for the suggestion.

"It seems to be more yourself."

They pressed their forehead against each other and swayed their body in rhythm of the music. Michael thought that he don't care even if his life is over now, in the comfortable haze which marijuana and mixed herb and amyl nitrite brought. Michael had no objection if he could die in Brian's arms while dancing on a dance floor of Babylon with Brian. It seemed to be one of the dreams that a long time ago he imagined. Well, but probably David will not like the idea.

Michael thought about his husband while remembering the time when they met. To be frank, Michael didn't think that their relationship continued for a long time. In fact, their difference was huge enough that he cannot criticize a difference of Brian and Justin. Needless to say, their age and the hobby and the lifestyle had the parts which resembled closely nothing. However, the love is a wonder. They passed through discrepancy and a collision and a compromise, and were able to understand each other. Michael really loved David surprisingly clearly by himself. Their love matured and never made Michael insecure anymore. And it was desirable for present Michael.

"Mikey, stop thinking about David."

Brian said as entangling soft silky locks of back of Michael's ears to his fingers.

"Because you're dancing with me."

"Why did you think that I'm thinking about David?"

"I know you very well."

Brian said easily, like that was lucid explanation. Michael nodded in sweet misery.

"Actually, I was seized with some sense of guilt."

"Oh? Why?"

Brian asked knowingly. Michael blushed as looking away from Brian's complacent face.

"Fuck, Brian... Didn't you say that you know me very well?"

Michael muttered as resting his both arms onto Brian's shoulders.

"Did you already forget about it? We had sex practically."

"Awww, Mikey. You shouldn't satisfy me in that."

"Whatever. Anyway...Brian, will you answer my question?"

"Hmm...Tell me."

"If there wasn't my visit, did you stay having ignored the communication from me as ever?"

Hesitatingly, Michael asked Brian. Michael's question was difficult to answer. Brian looked into Michael's deep brown eyes who is staring straight at him. Probably he may have done nothing until his heart was paralyzed and couldn't feel anything. Yes, perhaps he wouldn't have action until all was failed. It was horrible to think so, but Brian couldn't imagine oneself who is marching into Portland to retrieve Michael. Brian was at a loss and shook his head.

"I don't know, Mikey. I really don't know. But I didn't feel alive since you disappeared."

"Brian, you're alive properly. You're all right."

Michael lowered his eyelashes and whispered quietly. Michael should have known what his best friend could do or what couldn't. He didn't return to Pittsburgh to get something from Brian. Michael persuaded himself in it once again. Michael wanted to enjoy simple old effortlessness. Talking with friends and getting drunk and madly dancing, until go back to the home for exhaustion. What he expected now was only it. However, reality always betrays your expectation. When they finished dancing second song, Michael noticed the blonde who is coming into his view.

"Oh...he is here."

"Who?"

"Justin."

Michael pointed at Justin who escapes by slipping through half-naked men and is going to walk up to them. Brian looked up at the ceiling that colorful light reflected diffusely and cursed it.

"Fuck...!"

"Hey, you two."

"Hey, Justin."

"What do you want?"

Justin rolled his eyes to a direct question of Brian.

"Brian, in fact, I want to nothing from you for now. I want to have a talk with Michael."

"Justin, you can't..."

Michael blocked Brian's mouth up at his palm before Brian is saying irreparable terrible thing.

"Brian. You don't have to say something in place of me. If he wants to talk with me, I don't mind."

And then Michael nodded to Justin.

"Justin. Of course I can talk to you. But here is so loud. We should move at least in the place to listen to without effort each other's voices."

"Yeah, can we get out to the passageway?"

Michael approved proposition of Justin.

"Sure."

"Hey, wait!"

"Christ, Brian...Don't follow us."

"But, Mikey...! I don't think it's good idea. Just ignore him, you don't have to talk to that brat."

"I know but I should hear what he want to talk to me."

Michael cupped Brian's cheeks with his both hands and then kissed Brian's lips lovingly.

"You don't need to worry about me. Brian, I'm alright by myself."

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While he climbed down the stairs, Michael thought about what Justin wanted to talk about with him. Probably it will be the things related to Brian that Justin wants to ask. Actually, Michael knew that Justin was totally crazy about Brian blindly. Michael was able to understand a feeling of Justin. You must not want to ever let go if you are in love with Brian Kinney and were able to get him.

They finally plopped down to a couch in front of the cloakroom after threading their way through the crowd of people. Justin said slowly after having fully observed Michael's face.

"So..."

"So... What?"

When Michael asked Justin as laughing, Justin faltered for an instant, and rubbed his lower lip at the joint of his forefinger.

"Well, did Brian tell you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Michael, stop it. You know what I mean."

And then, Justin sighed.

"I mean what I wanted to know is...did Brian confess the love for you?"

"Oh...do you want to know it?"

Michael asked as looking into Justin's blue eyes. Irritatingly Justin leaned on against the couch at his back with a thud.

"I knew it! He said to you, did he? Thus did you decide to get Brian back? You leave David and do come back to Pittsburgh? Brian kicks me out from his life earnestly, and lives with you?"

"Whoa! Justin...calm down. Our relationship turns into nothing even if we talked about anything."

"Don't you choose Brian?"

Justin said flabbergasted. Michael patted the upper arm of Justin as smiling placidly.

"Justin. The situation is complicated than you think."

"What do you mean? A problem of the love doesn't have the excuse. The human instinct should be trying to get what they want. Do you prefer David to Brian?"

Justin's question was too straight. Of course younger Justin maybe can't see except only definite things. It was esoteric after all to demand understanding from Justin. Michael slouched wearily and groaned.

"If I answer your question sincerely, I don't stay in Pittsburgh as it is. Because I really need to return to Portland. Though I love Brian, I can't change my situation that there is now for him."

"God...Michael. After all you are going to give him up. Did Brian consent to it? Ooh, don't tell me. I don't think that he was able to accept the defeat. He's too proud to accept it."

Justin gaped and shook his head. Michael was able to understand reaction of Justin.

"Like I said, the situation is changing. Actually, I would have absolutely remained in here before I moved to Portland or if Brian told me his feeling more earlier. However, that time, his hands were full with you."

"Yeah, I know fucking well. But don't blame me. I was bashed to death. Even if I took some attention from Brian, it wasn't unfair, was it?"

Justin sighed.

"I can't deny that Brian thought that huge damage had extended to me because of him. First, I thought that's why he didn't come over for even a visit. But one day, nurse told me that he had watched my progress in every day. Brian took care of me all the time after you left to Portland. I wasn't able to afford to thank for his kindness in those days. But Brian never got rid of me. Even if I feel it is love for me, nobody can blame me. Actually, I thought that Brian loved me."

Justin was staring at his own fingernails like those are strange things. Michael nodded to Justin.

"I can understand what you say. Brian may have thought that he was guilty for you, but he really cares about you. I think that he likes you."

"Or Brian may have sympathized with me of the circumstances that resembled with him."

Justin glanced at Michael. It let more amplify a guilty conscience of Brian that Justin's father abandoned not only Justin but also his whole families. Michael couldn't deny the fact, but he knew that wasn't only reasons.

"Justin, I can say nothing. It is a problem of you and Brian. I don't intervene in it. Concerning you two, I have nothing that I can give a conclusion. You find your way. And don't forget that it depends on decision of your own even if you make any kind of decision in your life."

"Hmm...Is that a lesson to come from your experience?"

Pretending to consider it deeply, Justin asked to Michael. Michael chuckled to the impudence of the kid.

"Yeah, maybe. I can say that."

"But if I'm going to do so it, I will probably annoy you."

Justin gave his cocky smile and said to Michael challengingly. Michael merely laughed.

"Didn't you annoy me ever since you stepped into my life?"

"Ah, there is no help for it. When I'm trying to get Brian, you were the only obstacle."

Justin shrugged his shoulders. Michael was surprised to know that Justin had thought of him to a menace. From the beginning, Justin was looking down on Michael. To him, Michael was a pathetic lap dog of Brian. From his behavior against Michael, it was obvious.

"Um, well...I didn't expect that you thought about me that way. Why did you think so?"

When Michael asked, Justin wiped his face at his hand tiredly and knitted his eyebrows.

"Michael, you want to know why? I was there for him all the time. Even when Brian didn't expect for, I clung to him. Like you know he can hide his feelings from another person very well, but it is impossible to continue daylong. When he couldn't see you, he lost his composure totally."

"Do you mean the disaster of my birthday?"

"Mainly. And after you left to Portland."

Justin nodded significantly.

"Brian wasn't himself obviously."

"He don't fall into that state anymore."

Michael hoped it as saying it. Justin didn't admit completely, but there wasn't the reason to doubt it. If Brian confessed the love to Michael, they would have had surely a various talk galore. They must have found some kind of solutions by them. They are Brian and Mikey after all. They have the world only for them who nobody can get into between them.

"Then, Michael? Do you return to Portland where David waits as if nothing happened? Doesn't your heart ache at all? Can you bear being separated from Brian again? Moreover, this time, you knew that Brian loves you and want to be with you?"

Justin asked Michael without faltering. Michael knew that Justin could sting his heart precisely anytime.

"Justin...When I leave Brian, it has been never easy even once. Because I love him...always have always will."

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Michael stayed in the place for awhile after Justin went back to inside. He noticed that his strength began to drain out. Michael didn't know how long he can hold on.

"Michael, are you all right?"

Michael slowly raised his face to the way that caught his shoulder. Michael knew who the owner of the voice was.

"Hi, Ted."

"Hey, Michael. Did that kid cause you hard time? You look like shit."

"Yeah, thank you for praise."

Michael smirked to Ted.

"Well..."

Ted muttered as sitting down next to Michael.

"What did Justin say to you? I wish he didn't say terrible abusive to you."

"Oh, we talked surprisingly rationally. He was growing up than I thought."

"Good, I mean it's good for him. Probably he'll have to grow up early. The situation is severe. If he cannot rely on his family, he must mature early. Many gays do so it."

"Yeah, must be."

Michael waited patiently for Ted to begin to talk about his wanting to really talk. After short quietness, Ted muttered.

"Are you hiding something from us?"

"Mmm, probably. But I can't tell you."

Michael patted Ted's thigh. Ted nodded a little and wrapped Michael's smaller hand which placed on his thigh into his hand.

"If I said that I know your secret?"

"...Teddy?"

Michael stared at Ted's big amber eyes intensely. Ted smiled at Michael silently.

"In fact, Melanie is trusting me than you think."

"Shit..."

Michael was going to get away from hold of Ted instinctively, but Ted didn't allow it.

"You shouldn't be angry at her. She leaked only just a part. And Mel didn't tell Lindsay at least."

Ted told placidly and stroked the back of Michael's hand blankly. Michael breathed a sigh of the reconciliation and accepted it.

"I maybe pushed a huge burden into her."

"Yeah, she is a woman even if she pretends to be tough."

Ted shook his head and laughed for words of his own. Michael nodded as leaning on Ted's shoulder.

"It must be so. Though we sometimes forget it."

Two of them didn't utter words for a while. They spent time like that well in Babylon before. Surely how to spend time at the Babylon like that was unbecoming but it seemed to be better than they waste their time in an unworthy trick. And sometimes, they assessed interestingly how Brian fished tricks. After a little, Ted's voice who had begun to talk was trembling imperceptibly.

"How bad are you?"

"Teddy, you don't have to know..."

"Why? I thought I'm one of your good friends. You can't hide important thing something like that."

Ted said to Michael gravely. Even if he hid it from Ted, if Ted heard circumstances from Melanie, he couldn't tell a lie to Ted.

"I'm dying."

Michael muttered evenly.

"The doctor can't predict speed of my sick aggravation, too."

"Oh my god..."

Ted covered his mouth with his palm to suppress his scream. Michael kissed the shoulder of his close friend lightly and comforted him.

"I accepted it somehow."

"Michael. Don't you tell about your disease to Brian?"

"I couldn't tell him. It was the one of the purposes of this visit to warn Brian about my disease. But, actually, it was not simple for me."

Michael shook his head feebly.

"Why I'm not telling to him is because I can't bear it. And the reason is because it leaves an escape for Brian. He can blame me who didn't tell the truth."

"How about David?"

"He can get over this. He has a family supporting him."

"However, Brian has only you."

"Teddy, don't say that."

Michael held back almost bursting into tears somehow.

"He can find someone new. Sometimes I wonder, may my existence disturb that he is trying to change. Ted, In fact, Brian is very loving person. He is not originally a fickle person."

"You mean he can't keep a lot of pets? Because he pour love into one of them and neglect others."

Ted smirked. Michael couldn't help chuckling.

"You say a terrible thing. However, I think that is telling remark."

"Michael...are you alright with that? How does this situation turn out if you leave as it is this time?"

"I don't know..."

Michael muttered.

"I don't know how I change by a disease. I may be not able to move and maybe can't understand oneself who I am. Or I may perish from the world one month later."

"Michael...Don't you even give a chance to Brian? He scares to death and will suffer if Brian knows a fact. But..."

"David can bear it. He knows the way to digest it. However if what Brian can do is only seeing me dying?"

Ted exhaled shaky breath as hearing what Michael talked.

"God, Michael...I'm afraid of that I think about it."

"Maybe I shouldn't have come back to here. I was able to have Uncle Vic and mother come to Portland, and was able to have send the documents which were necessary for a procedure to Mel. But I wanted to see everyone once again. It was my selfishness. And eventually my selfishness would complicate friendship with Brian after all."

"Oh...Did he say to you that he is in love with you?"

The question of Ted surprised Michael enough.

"Did you know that Brian loves me?"

"I thought that it was a matter of time as far as I looked at his recent state. I have talked to Brian about it. Remember? I was in love with you, too. At the point, we had a common ground."

Ted sighed as rubbing his forehead at his fingers. Michael nodded and watched Ted carefully.

"But if I didn't appear before him, he would say nothing to me. He said so to me by himself. I know it's all he could do. I let him squeeze out his feelings and rejected it after all."

"You seem to be into the huge mess somehow."

"Exactly."

Michael laughed at himself mockingly.

"Well...I want to handle my routine in the Babylon. Ted, will you help me go for catwalk?"

"Help you?"

Ted asked suspiciously. Michael didn't hide his condition anymore.

"I think that I can't climb those steep stairs by oneself now. Please support me a little that I fall down from stairs, and not break my neck."

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--T B C--