Quatre hovered near Trowa, who was staring blankly out of a window, and bit his lip nervously. He hated this! Oh, how he really, really detested this. This awkwardness, their stilted conversation, the way either of them jumped a mile whenever the other accidentally came closer… it was like an invisible wall had sprung up between them without him noticing. And now that he had, it was too late to stop its decent upwards.
His tooth dug harder into his lip. He opened his mouth, racking his mind for something to say. "So, Duo," he ended up blurting out.
Trowa turned around slowly. "Duo?"
Quatre nodded, a little too fervently, he thought. "Yes, Duo. Do… do you think he's alright?"
Trowa turned back around, once again turning his face away from Quatre. Quatre, his best friend since forever. "If you're worried about Duo, you should just go look for him instead of staying here and worrying."
"I…" Quatre ducked his head, steeled his resolve, and took a big step forward, tugging on Trowa's shoulder. The feel of Trowa underneath his palm helped him to go on instead of leaving the room and leaving things as they were. It was something tangible, skin warm to the touch and familiar. The startled look Trowa wore as he turned around again was an expression Quatre had seen before, numerous times.
Trowa, at age five, blinking when Quatre had tried to share toys and play together.
Trowa, at age nine, when Quatre had shouted, for the very first time, at an arrogant older boy who had called Trowa mute.
Trowa, at age eleven, when his parents had died and Quatre had hugged him and told him to let himself cry.
Trowa, at age fifteen, when Quatre had held his hand for no reason but the fact that he wanted too, and Trowa's hands were always warm.
Trowa, two days ago. When he had woken up to Quatre looking at him, finding them both intertwined so tightly that it was hard to breathe. But Quatre hadn't cared, because it was Trowa and him, and he didn't really think that Trowa had minded – not until comprehension had caught up to him.
So many memories came slamming into him, none of them exactly the same, but all of them special, little fragments of time that he would keep and treasure and play in his head when it was dark and night-time and he felt alone.
Quatre peeked into Trowa's green eyes, and knew that he was a fool. A coward, and a fool. Never once had he let himself think about them, think about the fact that he had stopped looking upon Trowa as merely a friend – even a best friend – years ago. Think about the little looks he would dart at Trowa when he didn't think anyone was looking, about the looks that he thought – he hoped – Trowa would send his way when Quatre appeared to be distracted by other things.
Because it was easier that way, easier to leave things as they were, to let some things remain unspoken and simply relish the fact that they had each other.
Quatre hadn't thought that it would turn into this, that it could slowly rust away at their friendship and rip them further and further apart without their knowing.
He was a fool, and it was time to fix it, or break it, once and for all.
"Trowa," he started, not knowing what he was going to say, but not letting go of the hold he had on Trowa's shoulder, the tangible link that reminded him exactly what it was that he wanted. "Trowa…"
Trowa was still looking at him, green eyes questioning and almost worried.
The words were half out of his mouth when a piercing shriek made his blood run colder than death.
"This way," Trowa said, leaping out of his seat and grabbing onto Quatre's wrist, pulling him along as he ran out the door.
But although Quatre felt himself following Trowa's lead, his limbs felt completely numb, and a piercing pain was shooting through his chest and clenching around his heart. His legs gave way, and he crumbled to the ground.
With Trowa's eyes hovering above him, never having looked so fearful before, and the deathly scream still resounding in his ears, Quatre could only reproach himself as he fell into darkness.
---
Duo chuckled as he found himself unable to tear his eyes away from the rather poorly drawn picture inked onto the page before him. As he kept looking at it, the chuckle grew and warped until the laughter was bubbling out from him and he simply couldn't stop, hugging his stomach and gasping for breath.
The Prince was glancing over in his direction, a scowl etched onto his face. But as Duo fell from his chair and, quite literally, rolled around the plush carpeting of the Palace Library, a little part of the bard jumped with glee as he noted the tiniest upward tilt of Heero's lips.
With his belly truly aching by then, and his hair starting to fall from its usually neat braid, he felt the laughter slowly subside, and he stood up again. Grabbing the book from the table and carefully averting his eyes – for he knew he would simply start laughing again, which wouldn't quite do for now – he dropped the book over the one Heero was reading, and jabbed a finger enthusiastically at it. "Here," he grinned, eyes sparkling. "Here, Heero, look right there."
The Prince looked down, but his lips remained firmly set in a line upon viewing it. "It's not that funny," he commented dryly.
"Really?" Duo asked, still giggling and not at all convinced. "Look, Heero, in case you couldn't recognise yourself… that is you!" He darted a glace at the other man, who had pushed the velvet-covered book away and stubbornly continued on with his other one. "Heero, you didn't look at it! Look!" And he placed both hands on Heero's head and tilted it downwards, holding it there. (And the tiniest thrill ran through him when his hands slid through soft hair and Heero didn't shout at him for touching him.)
Forced to stare at the drawing, Duo watched until slowly, Heero's features shifted until a subtle mix of disgust, horror, disbelief and amusement was revealed for just a moment. It quickly disappeared, but Duo had caught it, and was unable to believe just how accurate the one in his imagination had been.
"I still don't think it's funny enough to roll around on the floor," Heero said, obviously disapproving. Duo didn't particularly mind. He had seen the look that shot across the dark-haired man's face.
"Yeah, but as I looked at it I was imaging that look on your face. And it became that funny." Duo ruffled Heero's hair, and darted away quickly when the prince whipped around, grinning at the agitated expression on the other man's face.
He looked down at the page again as he sat back down on his chair. Sketched onto it was a picture of a man, with sticks for arms and legs, and a crown that marked him as a prince, or rather, Prince Heero of Hei. He was swathed in numerous robes, and was obviously (made clear in a very obscene way) copulating with another person, identified as a girl who was supposed to be attractive by long, long hair and eyelashes that were the size of her head. They were in a bubble, suspended in the air over an opulent castle that did not look anything like the one Duo was sitting inside. Gold pieces trickled from the sky around them, and tiny musical notes were drawn emanating from the bubble.
Duo chuckled again, and flipped the page, only to be greeted with another picture. "Hey, Heero?"
"What?" He didn't even look up from the pages of his book.
"Was she not to your liking?"
Heero narrowed his eyes at Duo. "That is obviously meant to be a mockery of me, drawn by someone with absolutely no idea of the situation."
"Yeah, yeah. But… could this be more to your liking?" Duo almost felt nervous, though he wasn't very sure why, as he held up the picture that was on the next page of the velvet book that had no title.
It was much more artistically rendered that the first, with an almost accurate drawing of the Prince. Except that this time, he was embracing another male, also drawn to be attractive, with soft hair curling around his face. Their lips were touching, gentle shading conveyed that something out of the ordinary was happening, and the Prince's palms were glowing from their position on the wall behind his lover.
Heero's eyes took in the picture before he looked back down, rather quickly, Duo thought. "I don't know, Duo. What are you asking?"
"Do… do you think this picture could be more accurate than the other one. In terms of… your partner, I mean."
"I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't know."
"Oh." Duo fidgeted uneasily
Heero's voice was a slight gentler when it reached Duo's ears. "I've never really thought about it, Duo. I'm sorry."
He apologised? For what? But still, it was nice to hear… "Nothing to be sorry about," Duo laughed, somewhat awkwardly. "Just... thought it might be good to know for certain, yanno? So we know better who to break the curse with."
Heero was looking at him, a deep gaze that didn't help to ease his discomfort. "You think it's real, then? All those stories about love being the answer? The tales that the servants whisper to each other without really knowing what they are speaking about… you think they're real?"
"Well, I mean, it's possible…" Duo trailed off, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to say.
"I don't," Heero said bluntly. "I don't think I can fall in love."
Duo's throat was a little tight when he spoke next. "You never know, Heero."
"So…" was he hesitant? "So you do think there is a way to break the curse?"
And Duo definitely had an answer to that. One that he firmly believed in. "Yes."
"Aa," Heero answered, looking down at his book again. But there was a different set to his shoulders, one that made Duo smile a little. He knew Heero had thought him foolish, to think that he could be the one to find the answer to the curse after so many years had passed with no one before him succeeding. But Duo was certain that it was simply the fact that Heero had long since given up trying to find a way. And persistence was something that Duo could achieve when he really, really wanted to. After all, he had been so awful when he first started picking out tunes on the lute he could barely listen to himself practise. But the lute had been so beautiful, and the sounds that it could produce under skilled fingers had completely won him over, so he had persevered. And it had obviously paid off, as he now fancied himself pretty damn good.
So maybe the Palace Library didn't have a book titled 'How to Break the Curse'. That didn't mean that there wasn't something written in one of these many books that could set them on the right track. There was a wealth of knowledge here: an encyclopaedia on curses of various kinds, a record of sorcerers in the Kingdom of Hei dating back hundreds of years, and of course, numerous books with handwritten notes and observations on anything under the sky. Quite a number of these were about the curse and the Prince, including the one that Duo was flipping through.
He put it next to him, feeling just a little dejected. It hadn't had another really useful, only holding different interpretations of the curse by various people. The only thing they all seemed to have in common was that another person had to be involved to reverse it. Other than that, they had ranged from frivolous to touching to downright ridiculous.
As he reached for another book, it occurred to the bard that all that he knew about the curse he had heard from people other than Heero. Maybe it was time to ask for the real story, as the Prince had lived it, instead of rumours and hearsay and legends.
But… perhaps Heero would not want to tell him? Perhaps Heero would feel uncomfortable, or perhaps retelling it would hurt him, even if he might not show it.
"You want to know, don't you?" Heero's voice was expressionless, but his face was calm and composed as he looked straight at Duo.
"Huh?"
The dark haired man sighed. "If you want to know, you should just have asked me when you first arrived." His face hardened. "I'm more than used to the insatiable curiosity of people who want to know all about the story of the cursed prince."
Duo sighed. "First of all, I am not just another curious person who wants to see the legend for themselves. And secondly, I thought you said all the servants around here were afraid to speak to you?"
"That is now." Heero closed his book and folded his arms together. "Many years before this, before people realised what exactly I could do to them, there was a period where every day there would be someone who would try to bump into me or trick me into turning something of theirs gold. Then there would be those who would constantly watch my every move, wondering how a mockery of life like me could go on living. People would try to kill me, too, just to see if it was possible to do so."
His face was schooled into a mask of blankness and apathy, but that didn't stop Duo from bounding forward and throwing his arms around stiff shoulders. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into the curve of Heero's neck and shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to bear that."
"I learnt very quickly not to care," Heero told him in reply. Duo leant backwards to look at his face, but not before he caught a lock of dark-brown hair between his fingers and marvelled at the texture. He let go quickly, hoping the Prince hadn't noticed, and nothing in his expression seemed to say otherwise.
"Hey, Heero? If… we find a way to reverse the curse… will you still be… immortal?" The thought that finding a way to reverse the curse might only end up to be the thing that would bring about Heero's demise sent a chill through Duo.
Heero looked at Duo, the depth of his eyes making Duo feel somewhat shaky. "I don't know, Duo."
"Oh." Oh, skies! Duo stared unseeingly at the page before him, then gripped the edge and turned the page a little too harshly. What did that mean? What was he meant to do? Keep looking for a way to cure – and kill! – Heero? He… he couldn't do that!
"Does it really matter?" Heero looked completely expressionless, apart from the way his blue eyes seemed to be saying something to Duo that he couldn't quite fathom, but so very much wanted to.
Duo paused, then the words ripped themselves from his chest. "Yes! Yes it does, Heero!" He pushed himself away from the table, away from the books, away from anything to do with the curse. "How can you…!" He turned away, choking, and sprinted from the library, and from the blue-eyed prince that sat inside it, not knowing why, but only that he couldn't sit there and feel that gaze any longer.
---
After Duo stumbled out of the room and into the endless labyrinth that was the palace hallways, he slowed to a jog, feeling a sting at his eyes. He held a hand on the wall, dragging it along, desperate for something tangible to convince him that he was real.
He felt a vague shadow of the past hovering over him and colouring him; he remembered feeling this same way when Bard Maxwell had died and suddenly Duo had realised that he didn't know what he was supposed to do at all. And he had felt adrift, lost and submerged in something much too big for him to handle alone. And he had always dreaded being alone, even when he was young, even when he wanted to travel the world, even when he had wanted to run from his first life and his family and everything that he hadn't wanted… he hadn't wanted to be alone.
And maybe that was why he always seemed to be comforted by the weight of his lute on his back – because it was a reminder that he wasn't alone, and he would forever carry a memory of the man that had been most important to him, and that with music, he would never have to face life without anything to guide him.
But now his back was light, empty of the weight that had come to symbolise so much of him, and without that comforting presence he felt utterly lost in every possible way.
A flash of blue eyes and a hint of a smile hovering on sullen lips made him pause, and he wrapped his arms around himself, sinking down onto the ground.
Lost, indeed.
And there was a persistent pounding in his head, a steady thump thump thump echoing around and around, a throbbing that hurt and made him relive strange images that confused him. And something else, that also hurt, hurt more than the physical pain that he could deal with more easily.
Duo leant his head back against the wall, closing his eyes and willing himself to clear out his mind. Because there were so many things whirling around his head, worries about Quatre and Trowa and Wufei and Zechs, fears about how he was going to leave the palace, thoughts on how to break the curse, wondering if he wanted the curse to be broken, helping Heero, thinking about Heero. And the mess of images that came to him unbidden, made him wonder if they were dreams or some abstract form of reality. The images threaded into the palate of colours that was the prince, making him feel warm inside and itch to reach out to the face embedded behind his eyelids and demand for something he knew he wanted…
The warmth gathering around him made him feel like he was sinking deeper, into the wall and into the carpet and into a place that felt…
A place that felt like…
Home.
---
It was stunningly beautiful, a palate of colours the embodiment of everything lovely in life, all melting into one and sinking into him, and he couldn't stop smiling and it was because he was happy, he was happy like he couldn't remember ever being before, colour and light and sound and sight and he looked up…
And there was a hand there, a lovely hand and he knew it was reaching out to him, and willingly he reached out and he took it…
And then they were running along, sweet smell of grass and sound of his favourite melody dancing in the air, fingers intertwined and that was where he was meant to be…
And they collapsed into a pile of limbs onto damp grass, and he looked up, smiling, because this was the person that made him remember the meaning of joy…
And he darted down quickly, placing a kiss onto Duo's forehead and smiling gently at him, and Duo looked up at the face that made his heart flush with happiness, and he glanced down at their palms, pressed against each other, and looked back up, gazing into the deepest, most beautiful shade of blue and saw love reflected in them…
Love…
Lover…
Love you…
And he was being ripped away, a scream of horror tearing its way out of his throat, feeling everything that he had shatter into nothing as he reached out, grappling for the hand outstretched for him, but he was too far away now…
Love you…!
And the memory of blue eyes that were being swallowed by the terrifying darkness as the scream swallowed him whole until he was nothing…
No!
Blue eyes, and the knowledge… I love you…
And Duo shattered into dust.
---
Heero still didn't know why, after the braided brunet had vanished out of the library, he had felt so inclined to stand and follow him out. He wasn't worried, because he didn't care about the bard. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity about someone so very different from him, someone who felt so much more keenly than he did, than he had ever felt, someone who cared about Heero more than Heero cared about himself.
Perhaps Duo was so filled with life that he found it difficult to deal with death and lack of existence, of dispersing into nothing. But Heero had lived a life of nothingness for centuries now, and for all that time, the thought of it all ending and himself blurring into nonexistence had never troubled him.
In the earlier days, long before anyone had tried to play with his immortality, he had done so himself. Picking up daggers and watching as they shimmered gold before attempting to slice open veins and arteries in hopes that brilliant red blood would pour out. Fixing lengths of rope to the ceiling and wrapping the threads of gold around his neck. Swallowing tablet after tablet of shimmering gold, drinking poison from a goblet of gold. Giving up on the hope of creating pretty scars on his wrist and simply trying to force the dagger into his gut, into his neck, into his throat.
He could still remember the look on his mother's face when she had walked in, face worn and hair tinted with grey, and him with never-ending youth the only thing etched into his skin, as she saw him doggedly trying to work the golden blade into his stomach.
But as they all soon realized, nothing gold could ever possibly hurt him. The golden blade would not harm his skin, the poison from the golden goblet did nothing, the tablets of gold were useless, the rope of gold disintegrated when he attempted to hand himself by it. And the curse enhanced his body, so when he flung himself from the uppermost window and landed upon the ground, though he ached, he was still alive after a jump that the gods couldn't have survived. Trying to fling himself against shards of glass without ever touching his palms to them did nothing. Impaling himself against sword-tips made them bend. He had watched carefully as the sorcerers flung balls of fire at each other and positioned himself in the middle too quickly for anyone to stop him, the fire only vanished upon contact with his skin.
Yes, Heero could quite truthfully state that he had encountered every possible form of death known to man, and still proclaim himself alive – as alive as he was, at any rate.
And it had killed his mother, he knew. He had seen the horror in her eyes as she witnessed his self-destructive tendencies, attempting to saw into flesh and bone and devouring drug after drug. And he also knew that she had never completely registered his immortality, never stopped watching him, never stopped worrying that one day he would succeed in killing himself.
So he had not been shocked when she had beckoned him to come closer to her, as she lay on her bed, breathing shallowly and close to death, and pleaded to him, "Heero, stop. Live."
And she had made him promise, made him promise to stop trying to find a way to end his life, made him promise to choose living over death. And he had promised, because he had known by that time that there was nothing that could possibly kill him. But he had wondered at his mother, because she had always loved life, and she had always tried to smile, and he remembered her during his childhood, as she glowed and held his hands and made him dance with her. She had always cared about life… and yet, she couldn't see that his living that ripped away the lives of so many others, the testament to that being the wretched garden in his palace.
But now… now, there seemed to be another way he could achieve that nothingness… that through the breaking of the curse, he would simply diminish into nothing.
Was that still what he wanted most?
Heero looked down at the body of Duo, watched as his fingers moved slightly, as if reaching out for something. He brushed his own fingers together thoughtfully, trying to remember how if felt to link hands with another. It had been rare even before, but now… it had been so long since had felt the texture of soft skin, traced the features of another's face with his fingertips, placed his hand against another, palm to palm.
He jerked himself out of thought and looked back at the minstrel. He had followed him quietly, catching up easily but maintaining a distance to see where he was going. For no particular reason, of course. Because Heero didn't really care. It was just a distraction, something else to occupy his endless supply of days with. And so he had followed, and watched, and the other man stumbled along the hall almost painfully, touching a hand against the wall as he took step after step… until at last he came to a halt, falling down and closing his eyes, growing still.
Until Heero wondered if he was still breathing, and came closer, hovering above him, noting the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the slight smile flickering on his lips… then they had parted, almost in horror, and his fingers had started twitching.
It had been some time now, and Duo was showing no signs of being about to awake. It had seemed okay at first, but now his movements were becoming distinctly more troubled, jerking back and forth, eyes squeezed tightly shut, harsh breathing surfacing from open lips. Heero was beginning to feel uneasy. Not because he cared about the man particularly much, but simply that he seemed to be more capable of breaking the curse and freeing Heero than anyone in the past. Not because he was the only one in so long who had made Heero want to smile. Not because he was the only one in so long who had dared to come close, to touch him…
And Duo's body was moving around wretchedly, his head flinging against the wall with unnerving force, mouth twisted in terror, and Heero was beginning to feel… worried? Never had he felt so helpless, never in such a long time had he ever wanted so much to do something. Because Duo looked awful, and… and if the bard died Heero knew his friends would make the utmost trouble.
Because Duo… needed to be okay.
Heero leaned closer, hovering in front of Duo's face, trying to will the other man into wakefulness, keeping his hands carefully behind his back. "Duo," he growled into his ear.
Violet eyes snapped open so suddenly Heero was somewhat startled. "Heero?" Duo whispered, voice scratchy and scared. Then his eyes widened, and before Heero could process thought, Duo's arms had reached out and wrapped themselves around his waist, pulling Heero downwards into a warm embrace.
"Heero…" Duo mumbled into his neck, face buried in hiding. "Heero…" There was something in his voice, some underlying importance that the prince wished he understood. But Duo wasn't letting go, or looking up, or moving in anyway except for the rise and fall of his shoulders and he breathed.
And there was something Heero realized, knowledge from long ago, about the look in those eyes as they first opened. He didn't let himself think too much about it, not sure if he wanted to know what exactly had occurred to him, much preferring to leave it in its hazy, dim cloaking.
But he didn't pull away, feeling puffs of warm air against his neck, as Duo moved slightly to better fit into the curves of his body.
And somehow, being wrapped in a proper embrace and sharing the warmth of another made Heero remember, vaguely, what it meant to be human again.
TBC
NB: The castle walls are all gold already, so nothing happens to them if Heero touches them.
NB 2: Just a reminder - I write using English spelling. Kimiki's excellent at spotting the words with different spelling, but it's easier for me to leave them be (ahem – lazy me), as that's the way I spell things when I first write the chapters. So apologies if that bothers anyone! If you notice an extra 'u' (e.g. colour) or an 's' instead of a 'z' (e.g. realise) – that's just the English spelling in me, and just ignore it.
Thanks to:
Kimiki for being such a great beta. Thank youuu!
Anyone reading and who reviewed, especially if you've stuck by this fic and kept reading. It means so much to me, and you guys are the greatest.I'm terribly sorry for always taking such a long time to update. Life does get in the way, but I DO try!
Hoshiko-Malfoy: Thanks! I'm glad you like... If Heero touches Duo with his palms, Duo will change to gold. If they touch in any other way – no. (grin) And Duo just touching/kissing Heero will not prevent him from being turned gold if Heero does touch him later. The curse is more complicated than that, as will be revealed in later chapters (hopefully, if I make any sense as a writer.)
Mineko Hon: Mystical indeed. I did try! It's fun to write. Yup, you're right, dangerous stuff coming up…
red phoniex: thanks for reading! I'll email you just as soon as I post this chapter.
Sujang Chunsa-sama: I'm so glad you're enjoying it!
Ink2: Duo had family problems of his own, but I sort of glossed over that... Actually, thinking about that, all the boys have family issues in this…! Anyhow, here's an update, and I'm happy you're still reading!
Kalorna Enera: thanks for reviewing! Glad you liked.
InfectedLife: Thanks for such a lovely review. Sorry for making you wait, and I hope you like this chapter too! You like my Heero? (beams) That makes me so happy, I always worry about characterization...
I miss the Rain: I don't like the crazy man either... but I decided he was necessary. Did you get your answers here? (hopeful)
Yasei Raiden: Update for you! I hope you like... and you'll be glad to know this wasn't delayed because I psyched myself up to be depressed... Went away on holiday instead. (sweatdrop) Thanks for the kickass review! (grin)
ZaKai: Sorry this took so long... hope this is worth it! Thanks for reading!
ahanchan: was this angst? XD thanks for reviewing and I hope you like this one...
Qualmi-chan: I don't think this update is soon... but it's here at last!
Lost-Remembrance: Updated! And I promise I will continue to do so till the very end...
creaturesmint: thank you! Duo will always get Heero in the end… (yeah!)