Author's note: a word of caution, this is a quite grim chapter (rating equals horror stories), but Ruinis Falviel* does need to tell her story.
(*approximate translation: huntress, daughter of foam)

"I suspect that a shortage of talk won't be threatening us soon," Glorfindel concluded.

Luthien asked Ruinis if she was hungry or needed to rest.

She wasn't hungry but deemed resting a wonderful idea, and while Beren, Glorfindel and Luthien continued their meal, Ruinis simply fell deep asleep.

She went back to the beginning of her memories, a place she had desperately guarded against loss or corruption... and from her youth started tracing steps forward. Suddenly everything had names again, in addition to names there existed numbers, and not even whole numbers but fractional ones... years were counted with numbers, months had names, days were enumerated, places had names, some of them many and contradictory ones... dreams were not the same. Every species dreamt differently. She saw dreams she hadn't seen for long. What had been her own experiences as the wolf, were suddenly abstractions, experiences that needed translating...

...and that helped. Ruinis could wield the species-barrier as a shield against things that hurt. She could choose what to translate.

Her mindscape had changed. Instead of a forest with paths and streams, her mind was again the wrecked fortress surrounded by partly razed walls, partly filled ditches, it was a maze of crumbled walkways, fallen bridges and perilously tilted stairs... she walked however to the strongest tower that still stood. A tower built by others, a tower she had taken and squatted and kept in some resemblance of order.

Its stairs were massive stone slabs interlocking at the center and extending into walls, rising in a seemingly endless spiral. She ascended the stairs for multiple minutes until near the top of the tower, she found a stone door. Saying the right words and turning the key worked. This room had not been plundered. Fresh water was awaiting in a jug and tasted wonderful. Ripe fruits were in a bowl, and they were delicious. Dried meat and salted fish was hanging on strings and these were tasty too. She didn't know how to write, so there was no library, but there were a lot of drawings and paintings... fleeting ones on paper, notable ones on parchment or canvas... the ones that mattered most were engraved in stone.

She studied the pictures and the stories they represented for a while, took a map from the room and went to the pinnacle of the tower, to see the world around. She compared the world to the map, and the map to the world... there was a rift but it wasn't great. The world had changed and the map was outdated.

Then she awoke and was glad she didn't awaken as a wolf. It was not a hallucination.

The elf whom Ruinis had seen attacked, and whose passage she had started tracking southwards... (but whom she'd feared to approach, for his eyes glowed and their gaze was too attentive, it reminded of someone... though it didn't tear into the soul)... he had brought her to people who could break what held her... after so many years.

Ruinis rememberd the other wolves she had sought for company. Five generations of them had lived and died. She missed them and shed a few tears, but such was the way of the world - she had lost such friends before, in better times. Some were granted the ability to heal while others not. Which was the better option, she knew not. To become nothing... was to be released. In these eight decades, she had considered, in some form, whether to seek such release. But in the mind of a wolf, it was an abstraction too difficult to process. Animals were incapable of escaping by that path. She started listening to the stories others told.

Beren and Luthien mentioned their meeting in Doriath, their feelings for each other and their plans in life. They mentioned... Elwe Singollo.

"I only now realized that you are Elwe's daughter! I met him... a very long time ago. They were traveling through the place my people inhabited. They asked for shelter and offered help in return. They knew skills which my people lacked... some of these we wished to learn. They also wanted to learn some of ours. And... we traded opinions on whether the journey was worth it."

Luthien and Glorfindel quickly understood while Beren took some time to piece it together.

"Does that mean... you were already here when elves first migrated to Valinor?"

"I was born in the long twilight when only stars shone. When Orome came to warn of approaching danger, to urge everyone to seek shelter in Valinor... people reacted differently. Some considered him an enemy and hid from him. Some let themselves be approached. Some of those believed him, others doubted his word. Of those who believed, some thought the journey worthwhile. Others weren't sure. Of those who disbelieved, ironically, some wanted to experience the sea anyway, and decided to go regardless of mistrust. Others flat out refused. My ancestors felt that his words were truthful, but the conviction that Arda was our home... was stronger. I'm counted among the Avari - those who refused. Ironically, we weren't left alone, for some who tried to make the journey, strayed from it and failed to make it. The Sindar and the Nandor kept us company through ages."

"Wow. I'm from the generation who were already born in Valinor," Glorfindel said.

"When I was born in Doriath, the Moon had already risen and the Sun soon followed," told Luthien. "I'm used to the world changing overnight."

"It was quite a change for me," Ruinis replied. "The Moon was nice, even wolves like it. The Sun however, when I first saw it... to be honest I feared. So much fire, in such an intense form. I was silly enough to fear that it might run into Arda and destroy everything."

"There is something I would much like to ask you... but haven't dared yet," Glorfindel said to Ruinis. "Please tell if it's a secret, or something too private to ask... but how did you change form? Were you turned into a wolf or did you turn yourself? Did you naturally use that form before? And wherefrom came such skill?"

"So many questions. It's a difficult story to tell. I am still considering if I should tell it, though I understand it may benefit you... and telling it may benefit even me. I had the skill of turning into various animals before, but the form of a wolf I often preferred. The last time I changed into a wolf, I did not want to. I was forced to use my skill, and subsequently trapped in that form. I've been to Angband."

"I probably should be economical with words, but I was spying on Angband."

"We are going to Angband. We intend to break in and steal things."

"Don't worry, I didn't expect to be rescued by normal people by now," and Ruinis smiled her first smile, but then frowned. "Normal people feared me too much. I have once seen someone try something comparable to stealing from Angband. He died, but I am the loot he stole. The confusion helped me escape. I think I must tell my story, but it's not for the weak of heart."

"My job is warfare, recently, I have armoured my heart."
"My life has been warfare, until I met Luthien."

"I considered myself weak of heart, but then I met Noldorin elves and they told me stories. Then I met Beren, fell in love with him and he told me everything he'd seen. I think I'm no longer counted among the weak of heart. And... I'm terribly sorry to be selfish at this moment... but any information, even the slightest bit, informing me of what Angband is like, would probably benefit me immensely. I would listen to your story even if it scared me. And I'm genuinely curious about your people and your skill of changing form."

"My people preferred a simpler life. Far simpler than the gray elves, who immediately started building things and arranging their world, and likewise simpler than the green elves. You see, we didn't bother with permanent settlements, preferring a wandering life. We didn't discover the art of writing. Memory and tales and song was usually enough, though I have supplemented it with imaginary places, maps and pictures that I build in my mind. I have multiple sets of these. In my elvish form, I can access them all but have to translate some to understand them. In my animal forms, it depends. As a stork, I have a knack for mapping, as a wolf, path-finding and tracking become incredibly easy, senses of smell and taste get augmented. I can't turn into any animal, only those whose life I have studied enough. And, this ability can be lost. Mere forgetting can trap you in the wrong form. That shackle... I don't know what it did, but it made me unable to say the words. It made me unable to think some things.

About eight decades ago, I was crossing Hithlum in spring, moving from Ered Wethrin on a northwestern path towards Ered Lomin, which I considered my summer home. I was unlucky. Terrible things started happening around me. From the south-west, clouds of dust rose. Ground trembled, an army was marching on a course that intersected with me. I increased my speed, but realized it would not suffice. From distance, I could see they were elves, but elves of a strange tribe, with weapons I had never seen. Glistening steel and thickets of spears, riding on horses, some pulling wagons along. I turned into my wolf form and abandoned my things, hoping to recover them later. It didn't suffice. Another army was on collision course with this. When orcish berserkers ran at me almost as quick as a wolf can, I panicked and turned into a stork, trying to fly my way out of the situation. There were bats however, and my act of changing had been noticed. They came after me and chased me to exhaustion. I got out of the battlefield, turned back into a wolf and defended myself in a forest, fighting off the bats. When they gave up and left, I was relieved for a while... but then I realized the forest was on fire. Again I had to escape.

In the end, I was so tired that I could no longer fly. I turned into my elvish form, clad myself with what could be improvised, ate what could be found, and was careless. Upon a hilltop I was spotted, and elves apprehended me first. They didn't believe my story, deeming me a creature of the enemy. They didn't hold the Avari in good esteem either. They didn't hurt me however, and gave me clothes and food. Their company was soon surrounded by orcs, warg-riders and fire-demons. I asked for a weapon but was refused. They tried fighting their way out of the kettle, but were slaughtered. Some were taken prisoner, I among them.

The journey to Angband was enough to kill many of us. Bound by hands to a troll-pulled rope, you either walk along or get dragged. We tried helping each other, but orcs prevented it. When the gates swung open, the troll was pulling forty wrecked bodies and ten of my companions.

I was thrown among elves and humans first. From the gate to right are housed the immortal servants of Morgoth. I have never been there. Some spoke of balrogs and great serpents and things I could not imagine. On the left, orcs and goblins dwell in shitty caves. Their main cities are underground, that is but a suburb. Next come the prisons where I was taken. Beyond that the leftward road goes to wolf-pits, and a guard battalion of highly trained trolls is stationed there. What comes after that, I know not. Except that if you walk straight and descend underground, you will eventually walk to Morgoth.

It was among prisoners when I was spotted. There came a man of elf-like shape and form. The first thing that I noticed was his eyes. They shone like coals in a furnace and his gaze pierced into soul. It is because of your eyes that I feared to approach you... they resemble him."

"The light of the trees," Glorfindel muttered.

"Next I noticed the armor. It was so strange that I kept staring, which could have revealed me, but then again, others did the same. It was... as if he wore scales of some ancient fish, which aren't flat but sloped and pointed. They were of metal, however. Every angle seemed to have some hidden purpose, no place could be found that wouldn't deflect a blow onward to something else. Even stranger, the armor seemed somehow fluid and re-arranged itself sometimes. A pattern that had been... disappeared, and something else appeared. It was colored dull black with silver-green and fire-orange here and there.

"Wolf hiding among prey", he immediately saw through my disguise. "I know your secret, come with me." The words were so compelling that I just obeyed and went. He questioned me for a while in very polite manner, even offering food. When I had told enough, he revealed the cards.

"Will you swear allegiance to my master, swear to fight for him? And likewise, will you scout for me? I need people who aren't natural servants, who serve neither darkness nor light. But I need other things too. This is just what I'd have foremost."

I said I preferred freedom. He said freedom had run out. After swearing, I would be forever bound to his will. I said I couldn't make such an oath.

"Alternatively, there's another offer. My master wants better wolves. Poor keeping under Gothmog's careless whip has ruined their stock and skills. Will you be one of them and teach them? Will you choose a mate among them, and bear a litter of wolf-pups? Be advised that you cannot raise them. Others will do that, but I give my word that they'll be raised well. The only thing they won't know, is how to change. What one doesn't know, one cannot miss or yearn for."

I said no. Just like I wouldn't subjugate my will to a cruel master, neither would I give of my body for their purposes. If I'd ever choose someone, it would be of free will and far from any threat, and not a wolf. I had served no kings and I would never do.

He said he was disappointed. Other choices would be increasingly worse. I would then be considered a warrior wolf. Life wasn't long for those, he said. I would be compelled to fight, no matter what I wanted. Elvish swords and arrows would await in counted years. He told me to consider.

I said I didn't need to consider. I would rather let my gift pass back to Yavanna.

At that, I saw him truly panic.

Incredibly fast he said words that subverted my mind. Against my will I turned myself into a wolf, and with all my will I jumped at his throat. He almost lost balance and stumbled, but managed to hold me off. Orcs came fast, overwhelmed and bound me. After him they carried me to a nearby building where a forge glowed hot. He took a shackle from a shelf, seized a glowing rivet from the forge with bare hands, put the shackle on my leg and hammered it shut. Orcs unbound me, but I could no longer bring myself to attack him. Neither could I even think of turning into my native form. Who was Yavanna, I did not remember.

"So it was her who gave these abilities...", concluded Luthien.

"Yes. After we refused and Orome left, after quite some time, Yavanna took her least intimidating form and approached us. She told the same as Orome had. Great peril was to come. These lands would be deadly in future. She asked if our decision was firm, and if we needed something to survive the approaching danger. Some of us asked... for a way to disguise ourselves and slip away from threats. They asked for the skill of changing."

"And she granted it, and it turned to be inheritable?"

"Exactly. It is inheritable, but you need to learn it too. In the wolf-pit where I was thrown in Angband, nobody knew language any more. Some probably had interbred with ordinary wolves, but still had talent... yet none at all knew speech. Oh how I tried to teach them! It was easy to befriend them, but so hard to teach when my own mind was partly incapacitated. Eventually, some started learning... but once they could converse a little, I learned that they were entirely loyal to Thu - that was his name. He had often cured their wounds, brought them back from misery and nearly death... he had taught them skills and made them strong... their loyalty to him was unbreakable. Perhaps there too, spells were involved."

When a year had passed, Thu again conversed with me for long. He said he should thank me, for teaching his wolves to speak. He offered to promote me back from warrior to scout. I declined. He asked if perhaps I'd found a favourable mate. I said I hadn't and wouldn't. He said it was foolish to refuse in Angband and urged me to choose an easier fate. He said that time still existed to reconsider, but that things were in motion which would send armies clashing soon.

Next time, at the season when wolves crave to breed, armies clashed outside. The wolf-pits were emptied, but I wasn't taken. Thu called me up once again and asked if I had chosen a mate. Many wolves would die in the coming days and his master needed pups.

I said again that I would not, could not bear pups for a master that enslaves them and wages war with them.

He said he understood, and that this made me worthwhile to try convincing, but here in Angband, rules were not his making. His assignment here was finished. Commands were already in flight. He urged me to not oppose a new wolf-master - others here would be less patient.

At that point, I broke down entirely and asked to be taken along. He said he couldn't. He would die tonight, shed his body in an explosion and expose his soul to travel very fast. Opportunity had presented itself far away. He needed to speak once more with his king, and be at Tol Sirion three o'clock in the morning.

He left and the footsteps still echoed in the cold hallway. I knew not who would come to replace him, but I knew that fear was justified. That night, I stared at the sky. Shortly after midnight, a brilliant flash occurred and a shockwave blew dust afloat. Orcs looked and pointed. I could see light traveling among clouds, turning southwards and west, leaving at dizzying speed. Hope left me and I cried "Thu", but orcs said other names. I think they named him Mairon.

I never met the new wolf-master.

Uruk-hai in armor came and bound me, and took me to the prisons. They threw me in a cell with a fierce young male. He couldn't speak. I knew what was to follow. My scent started overwhelming his senses soon, and he tried to approach. I warned him off. For a while it worked, then I had to defend myself with teeth. Surprisingly that worked, he was somewhat stronger than me, but I was desperate.

Orcs said it wouldn't do and came with a net. I tried fighting them too, but a wolf can't fight such things. They shackled me to the floor, taking my ability to defend myself.

I tried to reach his mind, but failed - it was clouded with desire. He approached again and I could do nothing. My true self retreated to the darkest corners of my mind to defend itself. I had been a wolf long enough that part of my mind said it was inevitable, a natural course of events.

In his defense it should be said that he wasn't driven only by desire. All the instincts were present and active and he also tried to make my plight more comfortable. When I couldn't scratch my itches, he cleaned my fur with his tongue. When I was hungry, he brought me old bones hidden somewhere to chew. I still tried speaking to him, and at some point I got through. One can't accelerate a learning process meant to take months, but I tried desperately to accelerate it, and something came of it. He obtained some simple ability to converse. Next morning however, he complained that thought was failing and desire overcoming him again. I tried to support him in that struggle, keeping his thoughts elsewhere. Finally he said he couldn't hold himself back, said he was sorry and I said it was okay. He said he wanted to help me raise my pups, to care for me as well as he could. I said we'd not be permitted. Why, he demanded to know. Orders, I said.

Orcs were obviously satisfied with what had passed, and by the evening, came. They unshackled but tied me, loaded me onto a cart and started taking me to the wolf-pits. My temporary mate was going out of his mind to prevent them, but could not. I could still remember his howling, but I choose not to. If I go into these memories too far, they will surely hurt me severely.

What happened next was unexpected.

Orcs were moving me on a cart from the prisons to the wolf-pits when horns were repeatedly blown. Great battle-trolls in spiky armor issued from their caves and ran past us in hordes, aiming for the gate. One stumbled and fell on us. The two orcs died under the troll. I was thrown from the cart, still bound but alive. I gnawed at the ropes and freed myself. I ran towards the gate and stopped, fearing to exit.

A massive cloud of darkness, heat and frost, pierced by three blinding eyes, was stumbling up from depths, walking to the gate. Its servants froze at attention and I froze behind their backs. Far outside the gate, stood an elf with a glowing sword. He yelled something. Morgoth yelled that he would smite such vermin, swinging mace of iron big as a tree. In his shadow, behind his servant's backs, I slunk out of the gate and ran sideways. I could hear them clash and ground shake. I only ran. Then a scream pierced the air, and I realized the elf had struck a wound, but hammering continued unabated. Multiple more times the elf-king hit and Morgoth screamed in fury. Then the elf screamed and silence came.

I didn't look back. On my way south, I fed on moles and lizards who somehow could survive here. Further south, I caught hares and deer, foxes and raccoons. An insatiable hunger had arisen in me, and I presumed I would birth pups. When time was near, however, instead of pups I gave birth to lumps of bloody mess. Nature sabotaged their plan. I found other wolves to live among, and they accepted me. I tried teaching them to speak, but they had no such talent. They were good company, though I always left their pack when breeding season came. They were free animals who took no side in this struggle. They helped me heal and I helped their pack live smartly.

Sometimes I tried approaching humans, but they raised spears. I tried with elves, but swords were drawn and arrows brought to string. I tried breaking the shackle, but only got to see the shine of fresh iron exposed from under rust. It would take a thousand years.

Then I saw Glorfindel ride back from north, saw the vampire attack him, saw them fight and followed him here over Ered Wethrin.

"I had the feeling of being followed, but never saw you even once."
"I was careful."

"Thank you for telling your story. The commotion that let you escape was Nolofinwe's duel with Morgoth. I grieved for long. To know that his sacrifice helped at least one person escape, makes the outcome easier to accept."