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Jack: Previously on 24: The Parody.
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Tony & Michelle's House.
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Tony: Did I get upset over your gift?
Michelle: Yes, you did. I thought you'd appreciate a replacement mug.
Tony: IT WAS A WHITE SOX MUG. I'm a Cubs fan. (Sniffs) I miss Cubby.
Michelle: You lost Cubby. You dropped it out of a helicopter 3 months ago on a mission with Jack.
Tony: Damn Bill, not giving me a team to search for it.
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Cut To London.
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Kim: A man left this for you.
Chase: What is it?
Kim: It's some kind of note.
Chase: What did the guy look like?
Kim: Hmmm, think he was Chinese.
(Chase reads the note: 'For crimes against our nation, we have taken Jack Bauer. If you want him back... Tough.' He crumples the note)
Chase: Bastards. At least he isn't dead.
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CTU.
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Bill: Jack Bauer has been captured by the Chinese.
Edgar: Those guys down the road?
Bill: People in the Chinese government who blame Jack for what happened at their embassy.
Chloe: Wasn't it someone else that killed that guy?
Bill: They want the one in charge of the assault... Edgar and Chloe, it looks as though you will have to postpone the wedding
making so we can get Jack back.
Chloe: Right.
Bill: Now find out where in China they are taking Jack. (He dials the Presidential retreat) Sir, we have a problem...
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Presidential Retreat.
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(Mike's cell phone rings)
Novick: (Answers phone) Yes? .. What you mean 'captured'? .. The Chinese? .. How long ago? .. And you are absolutely sure?
.. Ok, thank you, Bill. (Hangs up) Mr. President. Bill Buchanan of Los Angeles CTU just informed me that Jack Bauer was
captured by the Chinese about 90 minutes ago, whilst on a holiday with his family.
Logan: Oh. Is anything being done about it?
Novick: Well, key employees of CTU are being called in to aid the search. They hope to locate Bauer soon. But, if he's
already on the way to China, we will need to be prepared to pay a huge price to bring him back... We are talking...In the
hundreds of millions of dollars (Puts his little finger to the side of his mouth. Everyone lets out a gasp)
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Gas Station.
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Clerk: You guys know a Jack Bauer?
Curtis: Uh, no. I think he's dead, actually. Killed in the field a couple years ago.
Dave: What are you talking about? He's- (Curtis clamps his hand over Dave's mouth)
Clerk: Killed in the field, huh. Good riddance. He was responsible for the death of my godfather.
Curtis: I'm sorry. Who was he, may I ask? (Takes hand away from Dave's mouth)
Clerk: Ramon Salazar.
Dave: Oh, yeah, Jack told me about him a couple weeks ago. (Curtis shakes his head when Dave says this) Said Salazar was
stupid, and was the only person to blame for his death.
Clerk: A couple weeks ago? But you said he died years ago. YOU LIED! You DO know him. (Pulls a gun out from behind his back
and points it at Dave) Eye for an eye.
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3 Seconds Later.
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Gas Station.
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(The Clerk is still holding a gun at Curtis and Dave. Dave is pleading with him, close to tears)
Dave: Please don't kill us. We're innocent. (To Curtis) Should I get on my knees?
Curtis: Why? What you thinking of doing? You're not gonna (Makes rather obscene hand gesture) are ya?
Dave: No, I'm just gonna beg him to let us go.
Curtis: I'd respect you more if you took the first option.
Dave: That's gross. I ain't gay.
Curtis: Yeah, but you were in prison.
Dave: Didn't do that in prison.
Curtis: What kind of pansy ass prison were you in? (Clerk coughs) Oh. We should focus back on him.
(Curtis and Dave turn their attention back to the Clerk)
Dave: Carry on, sir.
Clerk: (Cheerily) Why, thank you. (Changes to a menacing tone) Retribution time, bhes. Close your eyes.
(Curtis and Dave both close their eyes. Close up on Curtis as he hears a gunshot. He immediately opens his eyes and turns to Dave)
Curtis: Poor Dave, taken too early by .. (Stops when he sees Dave staring at him, clearly alive)
Dave: Why aren't you dead?
Curtis: Same to you. Wait a minute. (Turns to Clerk) Did you miss us both?
Clerk: Uhh ... (Points gun at Curtis and pulls the trigger, but the gun is empty)
Dave: You only had 1 bullet in that thing?
Clerk: (Sighs in defeat) Yeah.
Dave: Dude, you are not good with a gun.
Clerk: I know. You guys gonna arrest me now?
Curtis: Nah. Just don't follow us when we've taken this guy's gas.
Clerk: Righty Oh.
Dave: This the car?
Clerk: Yessir. I'll start the siphoning.
(Clerk siphons gas and hands the full can to Curtis)
Curtis: This is free, right? (Clerk nods) Sweet. Dave, give this guy some mints. (Dave hands Clerk a packet of mints, then
he and Curtis walk off. Clerk watches them leave for a few seconds, then looks at the mint packet)
Clerk: (Yells after Dave) DID YOU STEAL THESE MINTS?
(In the distance, Dave and Curtis have broken into a run)
(Fade Out)
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1 Month Later.
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CTU.
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(Dave & Curtis are telling the story about the desert escape, again)
Dave: So there was, like, 8 of these huge guys. All armed with machine guns.
Chloe: (Whispers to Edgar) There were only 6 last time.
Curtis: So we dived behind this table, pulling this old lady to safety-
Dave: -And her little dog.
Curtis: Yeah, I shot over the table, without looking, and hit this oil drum, taking out 5 of them at once.
Dave: I sprung over the table and had head shots on 2 of the other guys.
Curtis: We then did all this kung fu s on the last guy and he was down for the count.
Kim: WOW! That story seems to get better everytime I hear it.
Chase: (Sarcastically) Can't see why.
Kim: Neither can I.
Chase: It really sucks that we can't get Jack back.
Dave: Yeah, I miss Master.
Curtis: They are probably torturing the crap outta him...
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China.
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(Jack is eating a steak)
Jack: Mmmmmmmm, so tender. Thank the chef for me.
Cheng Zi: We're glad you are comfortable, Mr Bauer. You did a great service to this country by killing our consulate. We
found he had been selling trade secrets to our rival countries. He was to be arrested the day he was shot, so you saved us
having to explain it to our government here. We just made up all that stuff about wanting you dead so we would have a reason
to bring you here, and treat you fabulously.
Jack: That's... an interesting story, there.. Chingy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to watch some TV. (Gets up out
of chair and walks over to bed. He grabs the remote and turns on the television)
Cheng: I will leave you to ur privacy, Mr Bauer.
Jack: Sure. Hey, do you get any American channels?
Cheng: I think we have Fox and CNN. Not sure about any others. Just flip around, you'll find them.
Jack: Right. (Flips through the channels. He finds something that grabs his interest) Oooh, House!
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CTU.
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Chase: You think they have started the water torture yet?
Dave: Jack wouldn't submit to that. He once slept in my bath with a tap dripping on him.
Chase: Oh yeah, I turned on that tap. Hehe.
Dave: Said he felt refreshed afterwards... He's so manly.
Curtis: You said that WAY too dreamily Dave.
Dave: Did not.
Curtis: Did too.
Dave: Did not.
Curtis: Did too! (He tackles Dave off of the desk he was sitting on and they wrestle on the floor)
Chase: (To Edgar & Chloe) So how are the wedding plans coming along?
Edgar: We've nearly finished, would have been done if we hadn't stopped trying to get Jack back.
Chloe: Yeah, just got to send out the invites.
Chase: Sweet. (Dave and Curtis bump into him as they wrestle) Hey, go fight somewhere else.
(Tony walks over with Emily strapped into a harness on his back. The baby seems to have puked on his back. He hasn't noticed)
Tony: Hey guys.
Chase: What the hell smells like puke? Is Chappelle here?
Chloe: The baby threw up on Tony.
Tony: WHAT? (Looks at Emily's face) For fuck sake. Someone toss me a towel! (A towel is tossed at Tony from out of shot. He
catches it and starts to clean off the puke) Thanks.
Kim: Uhh, who threw that?
Chloe: Towel guy. He's over there. (Points at a man carrying a box labeled 'Towels') He's a good guy.
Edgar: Yeah, 'bout that. He ain't coming to the wedding.
Chloe: But he's my closest friend.
Chase: You just called him 'Towel Guy.
Chloe: He's Albanian. That's his translated name.
Edgar: He still ain't coming.
Chloe: (Sighs) Fine.
Kim: Is my father coming to the wedding?
Chloe: He's in China, Kim. We don't know where he is. So we can't send his invite.
(Curtis and Dave walk over, their wrestling ended)
Tony: Yeah, shouldn't we really start back up the search to find him?
Dave: We need to ask Bill to restart the search. That Silver Fox alone has the authority.
Curtis: You are just ALL the way gay, aren't ya.
Dave: Am not.
Curtis: Are too.
(They fight again)
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China.
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(Jack had gotten bored of watching tv and was about to turn it off when 2 men dressed in black Special Ops clothing entered the room)
Spec Ops Guy 1: Mr. Bauer?
Jack: Yes?
Spec Ops Guy 2: We have come here to rescue you.
Jack: Yeah, about that.
Spec Ops 1: We haven't got time to chat Sir. Let's go. (The men usher him out of the room and down a dark corridor)
Jack: Are you with CTU?
Spec Ops 2: Yes Sir.
Jack: Sent by Curtis then?
Spec Ops 1: Affirmative.
Jack: At least he can do something right.
(They come to a cross section and turn left. Jack knew this lead away from the torture rooms that he was shown on his grand tour. They turn a corner and take out a guard from behind. Jack picks up the mans weapon as they step past. Further on, they exit into a garage and approach a blacked out Hummer)
Jack: Cooooool.
Spec Ops 1: Yes sir.
Jack: But, you don't really need to rescue me. I wasn't being tortured.
Spec Ops 2: It looked that way to us, sir.
Jack: I'm in a bathrobe.
Spec Ops 1: It's part of the torture. Make you feel comfortable, then stab hot needles into you.
Jack: You guys don't know Cheng like I do.
Spec Ops 2: Sorry, Jack. (Pistol Whips Jack, knocking him to the ground) Shame to ruin that nice bathrobe, isn't it?
Spec Ops 1: Take it. He won't know.
Spec Ops 2: He will when he wakes up naked.
Spec Ops 1: Just put him in the car.
(The Special Ops guys put Jack in the car, then get inside themselves and drive off. About 2 minutes into the journey, Jack starts to come to)
Jack: (Pouting) I don't wanna leave China.
Spec Ops 1: Well, you're leaving, like it or not.
Jack: I hate you.
Spec Ops 2: This is the place. (Pulls over Hummer) Get out, Mr Bauer.
Jack: Make me. (Spec Ops 2 points gun at Jack) Ok, I'm going. (Jack gets out of the car, and sees that they are in a field)
Where are we?
Spec Ops 1: Someone has something to say to you, Jack.
Jack: What? Who?
Spec Ops 2: Him! (Points to a tree, and Cheng jumps out from behind it)
Cheng: GOTCHA, JACK!
Jack: You sneaky bastard. (Goes over and hugs Cheng) I thought I was really being rescued.
Cheng: Your face was priceless.
Jack: Who are these guys you got? (He indicates the 'Spec Ops' guys)
Cheng: They are real Spec Ops guys from your US government.
Jack: Oh... So they were going to rescue me?
Cheng: Before we intercepted them, yes.
Jack: Well, thanks all the same guys. Tell the people back in the US that the intel you got was phoney.
Spec Ops 1: Will do.
Cheng: Let us go back. I think Commander In Chief is starting soon.
Jack: Ooooh, I like the actor playing the bad guy.
Cheng: That Sutherland guy?
Jack: Yeah. He rules.
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CTU.
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(Bill has called Dave and Curtis into his office)
Bill: Someone told me you were fighting down there.
Dave: We weren't Sir.
Curtis: Honest.
Bill: Then how did you get those bruises, and that fat lip Dave?
Dave: We...err...fell down some stairs.
Bill: At the same time?
Curtis: He dragged me down.
Dave: I did not. You pushed me.
Curtis: 'Shup now. (He pushes Dave)
Dave: Screw you. (He punches Curtis. They start brawling out of the office and down the stairs)
Bill: Kids these days. (He gets out a Playboy) Sweeeet.
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5 Months Later.
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LAX Gate 10.
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(Tony is standing by the gate, waiting for someone. He is reading a Hustler)
Jack: (OS) It's a public place, Tony.
(Tony looks up to see Jack standing there, tanned, with sunglasses on. Tony gets up and hugs him. They walk off to Baggage Claim)
Tony: JACK! Hey man, how ya doing? Banged up? Swollen? Hurt?
Jack: Why does everyone think I was being tortured? The Chinese treated me very well. But I can't say why.
Tony: You're so brave. It's ok if you want to cry. I won't call you a girl... Much.
Jack: I'm fine, but what are you doing here? Only Kim knew I came home today.
Tony: She told us, and I had to come get you.
Jack: What, why? Is she ok?
(Jack and Tony reach Baggage Claim. They talk whilst waiting for Jack's bag)
Tony: Yeah, she's fine. It's just..um..there's a new threat Jack. CTU intercepted a cellphone call 2 days ago to a man named
Omar Spaulding. We haven't identified the caller yet, but they mentioned some missiles that had been modified to act as
nuclear weapons. We traced it back to a shipment stolen around 13 months ago from a D.O.D stockpile.
Jack: Why did we only find out about it 2 days ago?
Tony: Someone covered up. We don't know who it was, just yet.
Jack: Was there any sort of time frame given for the launch of these weapons?
Tony: Sometime in the next week.
Jack: Well, better get on it then, shouldn't we. (Notices that there are no bags on the carousel) WHERE ARE OUR BAGS?
Tony: Lazy airport workers.
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Behind Carousel Curtain.
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(2 Men are looking out at frustrated fliers)
Men: They're really getting annoyed now. Put that false leg on. Put it on.
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Carousel.
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Tony: Oh, something's coming. Look. It's .. A LEG?! Who didn't take their leg as carry on? Was it that guy? (Points)
Jack: Oh, for fuck sake. Call Dave, get him down here to wait for my bag. We got a nuke to find.
Tony: That'll be easy, he's outside, in the car.
Jack: Good, ring him. .. And tell him to get me some Snickers. I got a feeling I'll need my energy.
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LA Warehouse.
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(Omar Spaulding is overseeing the final modifications on one of the stolen missiles)
Omar: How long until we have all of the missiles ready for launch?
Missile Worker: Another day and all 4 should be finished.
Omar: Good. And the fifth?
Missile Worker: That is ready as we speak. Fayeed is waiting for your instruction.
Omar: Good.
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LA Airspace.
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(A flight from New York is approaching LAX)
Captain: (Over intercom) This is your Captain speaking. We should be arriving at LAX shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts.
(The passengers fasten their seatbelts. In the cockpit the Captain and co-pilot feel relieved)
Captain: I'm glad that ones over.
Co-pilot: Yeah, damn turbulance midway was rough.
Captain: Not much to worry about now.
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LA Warehouse.
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(Omar is on the phone)
Omar: You have a lock?...Okay, Do it.
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LA Airspace.
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(The plane begins it's descent. A woman is comforting her child)
Woman: It's going to be okay honey. Just relax.
(One man looks out of the window and sees something strange headed their way)
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LAX.
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(Jack and Tony had reached the exit to the terminals and were looking out over the carpark. Another plane was descending into the airport)
Jack: It's good to be back in the US.
Tony: What did you miss most?
Jack: I dunno.
(Suddenly, the plane they had seen descending was struck by something that shot up from further in the city, the whole plane burst into a huge fireball and headed for the ground. Debris from the explosion was showering down onto nearby houses. People were looking up at the huge fireball and started running in a panic. The plane smashed into the end of the parking lot and slid towards the terminal)
Tony: CRAP MY CAR!
Jack: You should worry about our lives, idiot!
(The plane skids to a halt and stops just before it crushed Tony's car)
Tony: Phew.
Jack: It's still on fire Tony.
Tony: But it didn't crush my car.
(Jack points to the wreckage as molten plane drips onto, and through, Tony's car)
Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BASTARD TERRORISTS!
Jack: It's not as if they took your wife and child.
Tony: ...NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jack: And to answer your question? One thing I don't miss, (He points to the devastation) is that.
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Clock. Credits.